Wedding Party

Extremely Shy Sister

My FSIL is shy in the extremes.  I would love to have her be a part of our wedding, but doing anything in front of ppl or where she'd have to talk to them gives her panic attacks. How can I include her and keep her out of the lime-light.  Keep in mind she is 13.  TIA

Re: Extremely Shy Sister

  • I'm not quite sure why you might even suggest something that would give this poor kid a panic attack.  I would suggest talking to her and saying that you know she's shy, but you would be honored if she would be a junior bridesmaid (or whatever role that's not a job) but if she's not comfortable she doesn't have to be.  And maybe she'd just love to have a fancy new dress and a nosegay without having to stand up in front of a crowd.
  • I talked to her about being a number of different things including JR BM and such. She said no, but she would still like to be involved.  I, also would love for her to be involved.  No matter what I suggest she just says no thank you, can you think of something else.  I'm running out of ideas.
  • You still have a lot of time. I would personally let it go for a few months, then revisit it in the fall. Maybe she will have an idea by then of what she wants to do ... or who knows, maybe she will warm up and be interested in being a bridesmaid. When the time comes, if you keep suggesting things and she turns them down, I would just let her be a guest. You're sweet for wanting to include her, but there's only so far you can bend over backwards for her.
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  • What all have you suggested?  I was also going to suggest BM.Can you just invite her to get ready with you?  I think maybe if she's turning down your suggestions, you are going to have to ask her what she has in mind.  She's probably not going to want to read, sing, or have a special dance with your FI.  Is there anything else in your ceremony, like a religious tradition?You should check with your state to see if you need witnesses to sign and if so, whether they need to be 18.  I think everywhere is 18, but if not, she could sign the license.
  • If she's not interested in a 'job' (I use the term loosely) that requires being in the limelight, what about a behind the scenes effort?  Just helping with invites, or doing favors, etc?  I've been thrilled to help my two friends getting married this summer with that kind of stuff, and had a lot of fun in the process.  Maybe she can get her hair and makeup done with you the morning of, even if she isn't a BM. 
  • Ask her what she would like to do. Bm is really not all that in the limelight. She might be honored. Ask
  • She would probably be most comfortable if you let her help with the planning, DIY, invites, set up, etc.  You don't have to let her make major decisions.  Just small things here and there.Get decorative stamps for the invites and let her choose them.  If you do something special for the children ask her for ideas.  Let her choose an item that will be included in the out of town bags.Ask her to make a snack for your bms for the day of.Give her a list of things to put together for a 'wedding day emergency kit'.  Things around the house that you and your bms may need on the big day like asprin, tampons, flip flops, etc.  She can add things she wants also.Let her get her nails and hair done with you and the bridesmaids before the wedding.  Then in the programs give a special thank you to your little sister for all her help.
  • Thanks everyone! These are awesome ideas!  I mentioned some of these to her and she absolutely loves the idea of putting together our Emergency kit, and helping with the OOT baskets.  So we've found her niche! Thands again!
  • Don't make her do anything she doesn't want to... I'd just write her a nice note saying how happy you are to gain such a wonderful new sister and get a picture of you and her to frame (you can each have a copy) then you can have a momento to look back on and she will feel flattered w/ out being uncomfortable.
  • Would she be comfortable being a bridesmaid that doesn't have to stand at the altar with you?  She could get ready with you, be a bridesmaid by name, wear a bridesmaid or JB dress and not have to stand in front of people.  That way she could still be included in anything the bridesmaids do, you could list her as a bridesmaid in the program.  I've been to weddings before where the WP is big or the church or location is small, and the WP sits down in the front row instead of standing with the couple.  Maybe she would be okay with it if she could sit in the front? Instead of standing?
  • Thanks for all the help everyone! There were some really great ideas!  Using your advice, and some from family, I talked it over with her and we finally found something that makes her feel special and keeps her in her comfort level.  She is designing our welcome baskets for OOT guests, (she has more creative talent than is really fair for a 13 year old!) She is also putting together our Wedding Day Kit, and she asked permission to put together a troupe of her friends to take charge of all the children at the reception.  She loves kids, and I can't imagine the children would be in better hands than hers.  She'll also be getting ready with us.  Thanks again!
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