Kind of hurt...am i being overly sensitive?

greenbean79

I have 2 close friends that i've known since gr. 9. I asked both to be bridesmaids. One initially told me 'i'll think about it', mumbling something about expenses. When i brought up the topic months later, she says she's planning to start a family with her husband, and she doesnt think she should be in the bridal party b/c she might be pregnant at the time of the wedding. I thought that was a poor excuse, but got over it.Now 'close friend' #2 initally said yes she'd be a bridesmaid. Today (months later) we were talking about the wedding and how there are certain things she wont be able to do b/c she is Muslim. The church is accomdating...they dont care if a BM is Muslim or not. She wants to be more covered up (long sleeves/opaque shawl) for the dresses...that can be arranged. However, today i bought up the fact that she may have to dance 1 dance with a groomsman, and she said she doesnt think she can do that b/c of her beliefs. THis is coming from a girl who just had sex like 3 times with some guy she was crazy about but barely knew! She now says she's trying to live more religiously, so if she has to dance with the groomsman, she shouldn't be in the wedding party.I'm really hurt that my 2 , who i thought were my best friends, cannot go out of there way even a bit for me and participate in one of the most important days of my life (it's one dance)!. I'm really hurt....am i being oversensitive or would u feel the same?i'm disappointed that i'm now not going to have any of whom i thought were my closest friends in my wedding party.

swans alive

Well...yes, you are being oversensitive, but I can see where you might be bummed out a bit, too. However, you need to be flexible yourself. Requiring your bridesmaids to dance with the groomsmen is not necessary. It seems forced. And it's not fair of you to bring up her sex life as reason for her to dance with the groomsman -- one thing does not equal the other, and who she is with behind closed doors is not pertinent to whether or not she feels okay dancing with a groomsman. Ditch the bridal party dance. No one wants to see that but you, don't put your guests through it. As for your first friend, yes, it sucks that she doesn't want to be in your wedding. Finances are a valid reason, and anything you could do to help out there would probably be appreciated. To be honest with you, it sounds like she just plain doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, and that's fine. Some people don't. My FI's sister turned me down (nicely) because she has two children under the age of two (one of which will be six months old at the time of the wedding), and she thought she'd be too exhausted chasing after them to do it. It's fine. I think you need to take a deep breath and gain some perspective. No bridal party dance, and an understanding of your other friend -- you'll be just fine!

trix1223

I understand that you're feeling let down, but yes. I also think you're being oversensitive.  I think both these girls have been up front and honest with you and you need to respect that.Friend #1:  If she says she can't afford it, take her at her word.  You don't know what's going on in their lives right now.  As for possibly being pregnant.  If they're trying right now, and she gets pregnant anytime between now and October, she'll be 7-9 months pregnant.  Perhaps she won't want to be in a wedding.  I don't see that as a "poor excuse".As for friend #2:  Why in heaven's name would you make anyone, ANYONE, go through a WP dance?  And why, if this girl is such a good friend, would you make her publicly participate in something that makes her uncomfortable based on her religious beliefs?  And please give her the benefit of the doubt that she realizes that she did something that violates her religious beliefs and is now trying her best to live with the tenets of her faith.As you said, it's one dance.  You can't let one dance, that no guest is going to miss if you don't have it, go in order to have your dear friend in your WP?  That's just wrong.FWIW:  I haven't seen a WP dance in years.  People in the WP don't like them, guests don't like them, there is no earthly good reason to have them.  Drop it altogether and you'll make many people happy.

LarissaAnn

As a former BM, being forced to dance with a groomsman is awkward and unnecessary, and that's even without the religious issues and with me being a really social type. Cut that dance. Once that's out of the picture, you have a good bridesmaid who wants to stand up with you, and you're set. By the way, many people as they get older get more or less religious, and they're entitled to it. You shouldn't be judging based on past behavior.

lyndausvi

Friend #1 - I can see being bummed, but at least she is honest with you. Friend #2 - I find WP dances stupid and and awkward for all parties involved.  There is no need for them what so ever.  I kind of question you friendship if you pick an awkward dance that I guarentee most of your WP does not want to do anyway and not one person would even miss over your closest friend.  

banana468

The other ladies here gave great advice.With friend 1, if helping her with the attire is possible you can always say, "The offer stands if you want to take it.  I want nothing other than you there and we can work out buying a dress however I also understand if you'd rather just be there as a guest - and it would mean the world to me to just be able to have you at my wedding to celebrate the occasion.With friend 2, I have to agree with all the others that not only is it not fun to force a WP dance on your WP, it's really not fair to use her sex life as a way to manipulate her into a WP dance nor does the comparison make sense or fall into your place to make judgment.  Do away with the WP dance as a whole and that part of the problem is solved.FWIW, I'm a BM in an upcoming wedding and I'd really prefer to dance with my husband - not someone who is a stranger to me. 

yuodelj

Why does she have to dance w/ him? Seems controlling to me....

mbcdefg

I'd be a bit hurt by both, but I agree with PPs that you should nix the wedding party dance to at least try and get #2 to be a BM. It's awkward to participate in, and extremely boring for guests to watch. Honestly, other than the bride/groom saying "I want it!" I've seen no benefit from it. #1 ... pregnant woman can be, and have been, BMs, so I don't really see why she thinks she couldn't be a BM. And since she brought up expenses, I'm wondering what you would be requiring from them. If you want special shoes and mandatory pro hair & makeup, you need to relax those requirements and let them wear shoes of their choice in a color you pick, and not require hair/makeup unless you're planning to pay for it. If you just said she'd have to get the dress, and you asked her her budget for one ... then, yeah, she's being kind of a pill, but if she says no then there's nothing you can do about it.

greenbean79

"As you said, it's one dance. You can't let one dance, that no guest is going to miss if you don't have it, go in order to have your dear friend in your WP? That's just wrong."It's not me who wants the dance..i couldn't care less...it's my parents, his parents and fiance who want it added, i guess because it's tradition and we've seen it at every wedding we've been to. If it were up to me alone, i'd cut out half the stupid *&%$ done at weddings!My point is, we all have to do things we dont like as bridesmaids....that's part of the job! You do these things because you care about the bride/groom. It just hurts that she is unwilling to dance 1/2 a song with a guy and asked me to either take out the dance or take her out of the party.....in addititon to some other requests...when i know for a fact her religious values are not that strong...

banana468

My point is, we all have to do things we dont like as bridesmaids....that's part of the job! You do these things because you care about the bride/groom. It just hurts that she is unwilling to dance 1/2 a song with a guy and asked me to either take out the dance or take her out of the party.....in addititon to some other requests...when i know for a fact her religious values are not that strong...OK, here's the thing:1) You really should never have to do things that you don't like as being a BM.  A BM should have a say in what she wears and what she does.  If walking down an aisle is something that she can't stand then perhaps that one of the things that a BM will do that she doesn't like.  Beyond that and maybe being in some photos, there really shouldn't be anything that a BM does that she dislikes.  That brings me to:2) Being a BM is a role - not a JOB.   She's there to support you at the ceremony because she loves you.  That brings me to:3) Because she loves you and you love her, you shouldn't ask her to do things that make her uncomfortable.  THAT is what a friend does for her friend.  Please don't say, "A good friend will do this for me because I'm the bride and the one getting married."  In reality, a good friend will never put her other good friend in the position of having to do something that makes her uncomfortable.  That brings me to my last point that is involving the following comment:when i know for a fact her religious values are not that strong...4) Stop thinking that you can get her to do things and stop attempting to manipulate her into doing things because you presume to know her religious, moral, or personal values.    She's stated what makes her uncomfortable.  As a good friend, honor her by believing that she's telling you the truth.Regarding the WP dance, why not tell your FI that it makes people uncomfortable, WP members don't like it and you'd prefer to do something that keeps them happy?  Why not do a group dance and invite everyone on the dance floor rather than just the WP?  Let the WP dance with their dates/sig others rather than people that you're attempting to pair them with as a contrived couple.    There are certain traditions that should not be upheld. 

soontobemrs19

Personally, I think you are wanting way too much out of your bridesmaids. Both BM's were being completely honest with you by telling you how they felt. You cannot be mad at someone because they do not want to be a part of your wedding party. If you were pregnant would you want to be a bridesmaid? Second, your other friend who is Islamic should not have to be "forced" to do a dance in which she feels uncomfortable with. You should not bring up her romantic life as a way of saying "well sincce she did this or that she should do what i'm asking you to do."Third, I agree with the other posts who stated that you shouldn't HATE being a bridesmaid. Would you rather have two BM's who are completely unhappy in your bridal party and in the end everyone will be miserable?  

Leah&Christian09

My point is, we all have to do things we dont like as bridesmaids....that's part of the job!If my friend had this sort of an attitude about me being in her wedding, I would be coming up with every excuse in the book to get out of it.  You need to 1) get rid of the WP dance.  This girl is the one that has the balls to tell you it sucks, but you can be sure that everyone hates it.  2) Adjust your attitude to your BMs.  Making people do things they don't like is not how you honor your friends.

[Deleted User]

BP dances are lame, don't make them do it. Problem with BM 2 solved.

bablingbrooke

I've never been pregnant, but from my friends and relatives who have been, I can tell you I probably would back out too if I thought I might be in my last trimester during a wedding. While you CAN be a BM during a wedding, I think it's only fair that a potential BM not want to due to her condition. Especially if it's a first baby and she wants to play it safe. I can understand you being disappointed but she's being honest with you. Yes, we have all done things we don't want to as BMs. But I think that should be limited to things the bride doesn't know we don't want to do, because frankly what kind of friend makes her other friends do crap they aren't comfortable with, right? If a BM has said "I don't feel comfortable doing X", you need to respect that. You wouldn't make a friend do something she didn't feel comfortable with, so why should that be any different now that she's a BM? I married into a Lebanese Christian family and I have met a lot of Muslims through them, and I can tell you that from my experience it's VERY common for Muslim men and women to get more religious as they get older. I don't think she's making it up. And even putting aside the religious part, I have had several friends go through a phase of sleeping around only to realize they don't like the lifestyle and let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction. If your family wants a WP dance so bad, why not just have the WP dance with their dates? Then this friend can opt out comfortably and you've done something for your family. But if you really don't want one, don't do one.

LarissaAnn

Tell your parents and FI's parents that sorry, but it's against her religion and you can't force it on her. End of story.

angelchld3

Okay, here's what I think about this whole thing. I do not think that you're wrong in being hurt here, but I also don't think they were meaning to hurt you. Every girl dreams about their wedding for a long time and you've probably been dreaming about having your 2 best friends standing with you and it crushed your dream a little bit when they declined/didn't follow your dream like you had hoped. Just take a second to yourself to feel hurt, take a deep breath, realize they were not intending to hurt you and let it go. There's nothing wrong with just taking a second to feel the emotions you're feeling. What would be wrong is if you took it out on them. Now, as far as the dance goes, try to compromise with all parties. So your fiance, future in-laws and parents want it but your MOH can't due to religious beliefs, right? I'm not really educated on Muslim beliefs but can she dance with her boyfriend/date/father? Maybe the GM can dance with his date and your MOH can dance with hers at the same time? Otherwise, pass it along to your parents that it's against her religious beliefs and you love her enough to not force her to go against those. (Whether you think her beliefs are strong or not really doesn't matter here.) It's great that when you're a BM you have the mentality that you'll do whatever you have to in order to make the bride happy. I'm sure it makes things easier for the brides you've helped in the past and they felt blessed by that. But not everyone has this mentality and you can't expect it. Once again, I'd suggest taking a minute to just feel what you're feeling over this one (hurt, frustrated, etc), take a deep breath, and just let it go. It's not a crime to be human and we all go through these emotions, whether we admit it or not. It only becomes uncalled for if you were to take it out on your MOH.

bablingbrooke

angel, great advice. But take your FI's name out of your siggy. You never know what weirdos lurk on here.

melishka716

Why do you care who and how many times sh's had sex? That's none of your business. They are still your BFFs, but they also have their own lives to live. OK, the dance thing sounds like a poor excuse, but she may also be different now that she's married. Her husband may be the one who doesn't approve, for all we know!!You don't need a BP. You can just ask one of them to sign as the witness.  

ffmaid

1. skip the wedding party dance the WP never wants to do it and your guests won;t want to watch it and it is agaist BM religious beliefs. If you must make your WP act like trained seals then at least let this Bm skip it. 2.Relax

greenbean79

So i talked it over with my mom and fiance, and they are ok taking out the WP dance. I"m really glad...and i am hoping this resolves at least one issue for this BM.And personally, if you are the kind of bride who kicks people out of your wedding party for their religious beliefs, then it is no surprise to me that your closest friends won't be in your wedding party. It is obvious that you are more worried about pictures and what others think than you are about respecting your friends.That is a bit harsh. First of all, I never once stated I was "kicking" anyone out of my WP...she is the one who stated that maybe she shouldn't be in the WP with the dance as her main concern. So i am trying to find a compromise here. Secondly, if you actually knew me and weren't judging me on one post, you'd know i couldnt care less about pictures and this has nothing to do with what others think...i am trying to make those close to me happy, including this BM. I think you would be a bit hurt if your best friends declined to be in your WP also, any human being would be.  

bablingbrooke

You find religion and pregnancy both poor excuses for then not bending to your will for your big day. I strongly strongly urge you to examine that attitude carefully, and change it.Ditto this 100%.I realize that you've had a vision for who you wanted in your wedding and what you wanted them to do.  The problem with life is that it has an annoying little habit of ruining the best-laid plans.  Also consider this: I have held my tongue with friends who were brides before.  I'm sure my friends did with some things and never told me, even though by their accounts I was incredibly laid back.  As you said, we've all done things we don't necessarily love doing as BMs but we do it for friends we love.  For a BM to tell a bride that she wont' do something for the wedding is HUGE.  Either the person is very unreasonable and looking to hurt you, or you're asking something out of line.  With either extreme, you have to stop and evaluate your behavior and your friendship.

greenbean79

Hi StageManager Thanks for your reply. The one friend who says she might be pregnant during the wedding is not pregnant yet..she is just in the planning stages. I've seen lots of BMs who are pregnant ... it just hurts me that she is declining for something that is not even a reality yet, when i see other very pregnant women as BM's all the time. The other girl...i am removing the WP dance altogether, so i hope now this will make her more comfortable to partake in the wedding. It may be that she just does not want to be a bridesmaid altoghether..if that is that case, i would just like to know upfront so i am not left changing a bunch of things and then still have her complaining. I dont think this is immature on my part..actually, my family and friends that i've told are more disappointed than i am over this... not about the WP dance stuff but that 2 of my best friends are declining. Some have made the comment that it shows they are not real friends. i am the one trying to make them see both sides and trying to make a compromise.

greenbean79

As you said, we've all done things we don't necessarily love doing as BMs but we do it for friends we love. For a BM to tell a bride that she wont' do something for the wedding is HUGE. Either the person is very unreasonable and looking to hurt you, or you're asking something out of line. With either extreme, you have to stop and evaluate your behavior and your friendship.Yes , i agree which is why i talked to my fiance and mom and have decided to remove the WP dance. I think part of why i'm more upset is that this girl in particular always wants everything her way, in all aspects (outside of the wedding). That might be why it's getting to me more than it would otherwise.

bablingbrooke

That's certainly understandable.  So it should be no surprise that she's acting this way.  A BM's fundamental personality will not change because she's in her friend's wedding.  My sister is a spoiled, self-centered, mean-spirited person and as MOH was no different.  However, her bad behaviour didn't dampen our day one bit and we had a perfect wedding.  You will too.  The key is to know which battles to fight and to compromise for the sake of your own sanity, which you have done and it's  a skill that will serve you very well.  I know it's frustrating now, but it will all be a distant memory come the wedding day

kristenleigh8

This is the one time of your life that everything should revolve around you! My whole life I have tried to please the people I love and care about. But now is their turn to care enough about me to compromise themselves as I have always done for them. I think the same for your wedding. So what if everyone else says the BP dance is stupid? You like the idea so do it! If your two best friends don't want to be uncomfortable for 4 hours of their life for you then I do not see them as great friends. I am not saying to be an all out bridezilla, but your wedding day is a once in a life time thing and if the people that supposively love you won't try to make it as special as possible for you then I would say forget them!

bablingbrooke

My whole life I have tried to please the people I love and care about. But now is their turn to care enough about me to compromise themselves as I have always done for them. That is the absolute WRONG attitude to have. And it's "supposedly", not "supposively".

kristenleigh8

Thank you for the grammer lesson it was really important to correct me on a blog. You must be a very easy person to get along with.

Leah&Christian09

This is not a blog. And it's much easier to get along with people when you can understand what they say.

MrsRogalla

I am very sorry to hear this, maybe you should try to sit them down and tell them exactly how you feel.  Say that this is the most important day fo your life and that you would step up and be there for them if they asked.  I know that you have probably heard this already but letting your emotions come out in a face to face conversation can really be eye-opening to someone. Give it a try. Hoping for the best!

banana468

This is the one time of your life that everything should revolve around you! My whole life I have tried to please the people I love and care about. But now is their turn to care enough about me to compromise themselves as I have always done for them. I think the same for your wedding. So what if everyone else says the BP dance is stupid? You like the idea so do it! If your two best friends don't want to be uncomfortable for 4 hours of their life for you then I do not see them as great friends. That's a very unfortunate and rather selfish mentality to have.  I can't fault just you Kristen though - there are way too many wedding movies out there that make women think that planning a wedding is an excuse to make everything revolve around the bride.   Even worse, some brides actually think that it's acceptable to make their friends do things that they (the friends) hate all because they think that as a bride, they get what they want when they want without considering feelings.  Can you believe it?!Please don't be one of them.  A friend who thinks that her wedding is an excuse to put her nearest and dearest through four hours of discomfort isn't being a great friend to her bridesmaids.Your friends should be there to support you on your wedding day.  However as a friend, you should be there for them and should support their choices when they're vocal about things that they just aren't comfortable doing.   Friendship is always a two way street - even when that friend is getting married and it's her wedding day.

banana468

Sometimes friends do need to be a bit more quiet.  Complaining that you 'have' to buy a gift to the person who will receive a gift isn't a smart - or classy, move.However, please remember that just because a friend isn't 'into' the wedding doesn't mean that she's not into being there for you.   I'm a girly gal.  I like planning parties, wearing dresses and coming up with cute gifts to give my friends.  I'm excited about going to get my hair and makeup done for an upcoming wedding and I can't wait to see what the alterations look like on the gown I'm wearing as a BM.That said, for every woman like me is a woman who is also very much *not* like me.  That doesn't mean that those not into the things I've mentioned are bad, make bad friends, bad bridesmaids or bad people.  It makes them different - and having different friends is hopefully a very rewarding experience.  We learn from our friends as we learn from ourselves.  They help make us who we are.