Wedding Party Advice

CMR83

Thank you Deanna for writing this! I agree with you and I don't like how the regulars who post here seem to think that they are the authority on all things wedding related, and are so negative towards anyone who wants to have the 'traditional' wedding, claiming that things such as showers and large church weddings are wedding-industry propaganda. Who says those opinions are 100% right and everyone else is wrong?In terms of needing an MOH, if you are having a Catholic ceremony you DO need someone to stand at the altar with you- you don't have to call her the MOH but you would be giving someone in the wedding party that distinction.At times I think a lot of the advice here isn't the greatest, which is why I usually never post here. For example, suggesting waiting until 6 months before the wedding to pick bridesmaids. Some dresses can take 6 months to come in, so I wouldn't suggest following this advice unless you want to stress out your bridesmaids by rushing them to pick out a dress and get fitted.Finally, while I think some people's posts are bridezilla-ish, I don't think that wanting a shower or bachelorette party is asking too much. If your friends can't be bothered to plan, let alone attend, one or the other, they probably should not have agreed to be bridesmaids in the first place. I think that using the economy as an excuse not to have a shower or bachelorette is compete BS. You seriously can't have a simple backyard BBQ for a shower, or go out for a drink or two for a bachelorette? It's the thought that counts, not the $ spent. I think that a lot of the brides who are on here complaining about bridesmaids are more upset that their friends don't seem to care, not because they are expecting what you would call a "pretty princess day"

bablingbrooke

if you are having a Catholic ceremony you DO need someone to stand at the altar with youYes, that person is your FI.  (I say this on authority of being a Catholic for my whole life, 6 years of Catholic school, and being in and a guest at too many Catholic weddings to count.)Now, in a Greek Orthodox ceremony, you actually do need two other people up at the altar with you to hold candles during the ceremony.  While these are usually the MOH and BM, they certainly don't have to be.  Some people use their parents.No one here is against a big wedding, showers, or bach parties.  Hell, I had big fat wedding, a bach party, and a shower last month.  What I'm against is people acting like they're entitled to all of these things and that parents, BMs and others aren't "supportive" if they don't spend money they don't have on such things.  People approached me to plan parties, I didn't ask them to.  I didn't assign anything.  When none of my BMs could come to the shower I wasn't upset with them.  I understood why.  Sure, I would have loved it if they were there, but looking back I only think about the people who were there. 

banana468

CMR, as a BM, I'll do what I can to help with showers.  I even just co-hosted one.However the bride is OOT and if she wasn't going to make it here for her shower, I wasn't going to travel for the other one she had.  I drew the line at spending 18 hours in the car for a 2 hour party even though I do love the bride dearly.Each and every situation is different.  Ideally friends will do a little something to honor the bride.  Sometimes that just isn't possible.If the friends just outright don't want to do something nice because they simply have no desire to do anything nice at all, then yes I agree - there are issues with those friends.

duckie1905

You seriously can't have a simple backyard BBQ for a shower, or go out for a drink or two for a bachelorette?Spoken like someone who has a secure job and isn't taking pay cuts and worried about layoffs right now.A few drinks = money I don't have because DH isn't working right now.  A backyard BBQ=money and time I don't have because I can barely buy groceries for myself let alone shower guests.  I also can't take time off right now because I'll probably lose my job.True, I didn't attend her shower because I didn't want to.  But my vacation was planned and paid for well in advance of her wedding shower (while we were both working) and it was non-refundable.  Again, my life doesn't get put on hold just because a bride is getting married.

zitiqueen

#4 You HAVE to replace a MOH. YOu must have someone sign the license/registry and therefore, if your MOH bows out or you kick her out - you MUST promote someone or legally you're not married. By definition, the MOH signs the register. That's the biggest reason she's the HONOR attendantI'm still waiting for her to come back and clarify this bit of assininity. I didn't have a bridal party at all. Does that mean my marriage isn't legal?What if the best man signed? Is the marriage still not legal since "by definition the MOH signs the license," according to her? What if I didn't have anybody to witness the marriage but then a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court happened to be walking by and I grabbed him and asked him to witness my nuptials and sign the license? Is it still not legal since I never actually officially assigned him the title of Maid of Honor?

CMR83

Ok, those replies to my post defintely do clear things up. I do understand that the problem is when brides assume they are entitled to big parties, which they are definitely not, and I agree with you all on that. Before, I guess I was taking the responses to just be anti- big weddings. And I also understand that it is difficult financially to plan wedding related events, I guess my point was that good friends can be thoughtful without spending lots of money. Thanks for clearing this up, and sorry if my post came off as a bit defensive 

duckie1905

Retread, I agree with you 100%. I do not come from money and even though I wouldn't consider us below the poverty level, DH and I are not "wealthy" and probably never will be based on the earning potential of our current industries. Each month, even when we were both employed, was a struggle to make ends meet while still saving money for retirement and savings. Some people don't even have the luxury of savings or retirement, so I consider us very lucky by those standards. It needs to be considered too that while people may have been able to afford to throw lavish or expensive showers in the past, many many people are losing jobs or taking pay cuts and are having great difficulty making ends meet. DH has had a hard time finding regular work since being laid off and that $40 I would spend on a shower allows me to pay for the gas I need to get to work so I don't lose my job too. $40 buys us food for the week. $40 allows us to go the doctor if we get sick or, god forbid, we spend it on something little for ourselves instead of a shower for someone else. Some brides don't seem to understand this, as many that I've had experience with see a shower as a right and not a gift. They don't necessarily take into account the financial situations of their friends and family especially given the current state of the economy and instead, think of themselves and believe they are being cheated out of some right as a bride. They think "Really, how hard is it. She just bought a new suit, a new car." Well, getting DH a new suit was a necessity as he needed one for interviews. My new car was necessary to get me to and from work (and it wasn't even new). Some think or assume they know the financial status of others when really, they have no idea, and their friends aren't likely to offer up the information. I had a very lovely shower. My BMs were able to afford it and for that I am grateful. But experiencing what I have in the past with my family and money, and myself and money, no shower would have been completely understandable and I truly believe I would not have been upset. Sometimes, brides need to sit back and look at the bigger picture and how what they see as a god-given right as a bride burdens their friends and family. While a backyard, BBQ, or otherwise lovely, less-expensive affair would have fine, I would've rather had none at all if I thought for even a second that it would burden anyone involved.