MOH/Sister issues (long, sorry)

nini2010

Hi ladies, I'm in need of some advice on how to handle this situation with my sister who is my MOH. The background is that her and I have never been close, we are polar opposites and have a difficult time having a conversation without biting each others heads off...she has communication issues and her tone always sounds sooo snarky (with everyone, not just me) that said we love each other and its not always bad...but most of the time is quite trying. So before I ever got engaged she made several comments about being my MOH. I think she expected to be bc shes my sis and just wanted the name. So when I got engaged I was torn between her and my bf but asked her bc after all shes my sis and it seemed like she really wanted the honour...However, I'm realizing now that this was prob the wrong choice...not that I can change it but I need advice on how to handle it. She's not into the whole wedding thing and simply dislikes the idea of a big wedding and reception...thats fine Im not asking her to but I am asking for some support and a sounding board, not just bc shes my MOH but bc shes my sis too. She beats down every idea I have, says its lame and a waste of money. I get that shes different but you dont have to like something for yourself to like it for someone else, right? On top of her negative attitude last night we were talking and she totally snapped on me and said "we dont get along so why do we bother?" I have issues with this! If this is how shes feels why did she make it her mission to be my MOH...I dont care about the "things" that an MOH is "supposed" to do, I care about the fact she it seems like she really dislikes me and really wants nothing to do with me or the wedding other than tell ppl shes my MOH!!! Sorry I know this is long but I dont know what to do and its so much more involved than this. My question is, should I talk to her about this? How do I handle it, its stressing and upsetting. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.thanks and sorry for the length!

vgmartinez

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation. If it were me, I would talk to her. Maybe talk with your mom or dad to be kind of a mediator. I think a lot of people think that siblings automatically are the BM or MOH which is not true. It should be the person who you are close with be it a friend or family. I would really sit down and have a talk with her.

EastCoastBride

As far as her support goes and being a "sounding board" - she isn't interetsed and doesn't want to be. And it doesn't sound all that out of character for her - so..... on that issue, my take on it is "deal with it". Yes, she's your MOH, but you asked her BECAUSE she was your sister and she "expected" it, and yes, she's your sister, but you admit you aren't close. So.... stop expecting "close" behavior from her. Stop talking to her about the wedding, stop turning to her for advice. She can stil be your MOH and not be your sounding board. As far as her comment about not getting along, yes, I'd talk to her. "sis- based on your comment the other day about us not getting along, I wanted to talk to you about that. Is that really how you feel?". See what she says and follow her lead. If she confirms it, then yes, I would ask her "Well, I need to ask then why you want to be my MOH. I don't understand why you wanted to be if you don't even feel we can get along". And see what she says. No- you can't kick her out, but you can talk to her about it and SHE may decide it's really not her cup of tea. Who knows. But yes, I'd call her on her comment.

nini2010

the reason I've been running ideas and things by her is bc when i dont she complains that shes not involved but when I do she has something snarky to say about it...i just feel like I'm damned either way. I dont understand why she would want this "honor" if she really doesn't act like she does...ugh

jenni2349

Who knows why half the people in our lives do what they do? Fact is, for whatever reason, she probably isn't going to change now. You can try talking to her, or you can try nailing Jello to the wall. You'll probably have the same results. The Jello may be less messy. As far as sounding ideas off of her, do what I do. Anything that has to do with her (her dress, shoes, etc) solicit her opinion. Go with a majority rule. Anything else, bounce ideas off of your BF or Mom.

peachkins

I would try to talk to her as little as I could about my wedding plans.  If she specifically asks you about things then answer her questions, but I would just tell her things very matter-of-factly like the decision's already made, even if it isn't.  I would ask for opinions from someone else.  It really stinks that she's acting like this.  I would also be upset.  Where's bablingbrooke?  She had a situation that sounded a lot like yours.  I can happily say that she's now married and everything went off without a hitch.  Don't worry, it will all work out.

bablingbrooke

Yes! Seriously, it's not worth trying to get her involved. Just accept that she doesn't want to be and focus on the fat that you have other BMs who ARE excited for you. But if you kick her out all you will do is give her more ammunition to use against you in the future. People also won't sympathize, even if they know how she is. They'll say "Nini kicked her own sister out of her wedding! What's wrong with her!" But keep her in and they'll say, "Nini really was the bigger person and I really admire that." I know this because people have said that to me about my sister I certainly had moments where I wanted to kick my sister out but I didn't and my wedding was perfect despite her behaviour pre-wedding. I can say that NOT kicking her out was the best decision I made, wedding-wise. I don't regret asking her and I wouldn't have done anything differently. I just focused on the fact that my three other BMs, my mother, aunts, DH, FILs and everyone else was so wonderful that when all was said and done, I don't see what my sister did when I think about the wedding. And once you've gotten married, you only think about the event, not all the planning that went into it and who did what. Since I don't feel like re-typing my whole saga here's the link to my original post, just so you know that I know what I'm talking about: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=61608609

ffmaid

1. Stop talking about wedding plans with her. 2. Realize that to some people and at least in my circle not picking a sister as MOH is basically declairing that their is no family relationship or feelimng so she may not be any closer to you then before but not want to give up publicly on being family . So she wants to be you moh but is not any closer or friendly to you then she was in teh past. That is to some extent to be expected you were not close just let her have the honor but relax and do not expect her to suddenly be this supportive person. She sounds liek my older sister. ( a BM in my wedding  my twin was MOH) We are not close she hated that I said any shade of blue tea length dress, she hated I did not want a lot of what she wanted ect, she was mad that due to dh nit being catholic we only did a sacrament not a whole mass ect but I love her for beiing my sister but i knew there was no support coming in that quarter. I knew the best situation was her doing nothing and my being happy about that. ) You need to have your sister do nothing and be happy about that you are not magically going to be close because she is moh. But she is your sister so stop talking to her about anything that does not directly require her input ie bm dresses and chat with yoru best friend instead about the little wedding details

bablingbrooke

lissa, "demoting" someone in your BP is impossible since they aren't your employees. And it's a slap in the face. AND it's guaranteed to give her sister ammunition to use against her for years to come: "Well, I guess I'm not surprised you're acting this way, you DID kick me out of your wedding, after all..." Seriously, you can't make people want to be involved in the planning. And just because people don't show an interest in planning doesn't mean they aren't supportive. You just need to accept that she isn't interested and move on. There are people in your life who are interested, talk to them. But it would be a mistake to "demote" someone just because she isn't interested to listen to you talk about wedding planning. It doesn't mean she isn't excited, some people are really bored by it, and frankly it isn't that interesting if you aren't the one getting married. MOH ≠ wedding planner.

jeannigirl

From reading all the comments here. I have to agree that it is pretty crappy of your sis to be such a brat. You could sit down with her and talk and find out why she wanted to be your MOH, find out what involvement she wanted to be part of. It does sound like you don't have a great history of getting along. Itsn't it time to finally growup both of you and put the sibling rivalry aside you both are adults.If its so much stress that she is causing, then its up to you to end that. Don't talk anymore about the wedding or details and just let her get her attire and show up for the Wedding Parties and such. Don't expect anything more from her and you won't be upset.

bablingbrooke

lissa, that's a terribly short-sighted and immature way to look at the situation. And clearly advice from someone who hasn't gotten married. Your perspective on this sort of thing changes so much after the wedding. Trust me and others who say it isn't worth it to kick a sister out over something as silly as this. And believe me, you do think it's silly immediately after the wedding.

bablingbrooke

I'm coming from the same experience and don't regret NOT kicking out my sister from my wedding for one second. And I had every reason to. I think I took the high road by not acting on my (many) impulses to kick her out and frankly, I think she feels bad for how she acted. She'll never tell me so, of course. But why on earth would you take the steps to make a bad relationship worse at such a high-emotional time in your life? It defies logic. If you don't believe I know what I'm talking about, read the link to my post that I think I posted here and I know I"ve posted on other threads.

jeannigirl

Life is to short for all this hostility between family members. I say for all those who have those issues with a sis then go to them and tell them your sorry for anything that you may have done to cause hurt in them. Be the bigger person.Two wrongs don't make a right.

nini2010

Hi ladies, first off I'd like to thank everyone for their input and insights. To those that have gone through this sort of thing I truely value your opinion and I know that when this is all said and done I may not care as much as I do now. However, that said, I just want to clear up a few things, first of all I'd NEVER kick her out or demote her. It would cause way too many problems and I think even more childish than the way shes acting. I am looking for ways of dealing with her (which many of you provided me with, thank you) It's not so much about the wedding, really, the wedding is second to our relationship in this situation. What upsets me about this whole thing is that for some reason she made such a big deal about being my MOH and now that she is she does nothing but bash our wedding ideas and relationship. In my opinion a MOH is more than the person who stands beside you on the big day. It is supposed to be someone who WANTS to stand up for you and your FI infront of family and friends and says "yes i support and love these two" for those of you who say her only job is to stand next to you I think you need to remind yourself of what the MOH truely stands for. That said, I'm feeling torn bc I feel like my sis really doesn't feel this way and I'm wondering WHY she would want to stand up for me if this is the way shes acting. I have tried to only come to her about things that involve her but she still manages to a) get ticked off that I didnt tell her sooner and b) beat down the idea anyway...its really a lose lose but like i said its more to do with why she'd want to stand up for us yet act this way that really bothers me.

bablingbrooke

I too will never understand why an alleged adult would act this way to her own sister. Now since you've never been close, you really shouldn't expect her to fundamentally change and suddenly become supportive. I think if you accept that she won't change for your wedding you will find that you can breathe a little easier. Just focus on the other people in your WP who do care, your family, your other friends, and you will find it doesn't hurt so much. As much as my sister's behaviour upset me, and believe me I did have my moments, the wonderful support I got from my other BMs (who were the greatest friends a girl could ask for) are what really stand out when I look back at the last two weeks before the wedding. Best of luck!