Sister being HUGE problem since day 1, please help!!!

fawnkay0ne

I have 2 sisters and asked both to stand up in my wedding, they both agreed.  Since day 1, my oldest sister has been causing so many problems.  She hated the dresses, refused to go with us to try the different ones on, complained about the cost of the dresses, and blew me off 3 times when I tried to get her to go with just with me to try them on!  After all that she was mad I decided on a bridesmaids dress without seeing her in it, but I tried for months to get her to go with me to try them on!!!  This was only the beginning... my bridal shower and bachelorette party were this past weekend.  On the day of my bridal shower, an hour before it was to start, she called telling me she would not be on time and neither would the burrito tray!!!  She wasn't nice, didn't ask for help, just bluntly stated that I should know she CANNOT be out of the office on time and it is basically my fault for having my shower on a Friday!  She had 3 months notice!  I couldn't take it anymore and told her that she knew about this in advance and it was ridiculous that she could not be on time for my shower... etc.  I wasn't as blunt or rude as I wanted to be.  She then called my MOH and said that I would be lucky if she came to the shower, but she would bring the burritos.  She ended up coming in an hour late and didn't say a word to me, and then completely skipped the bachelorette party.  I am ready to ask her to step down and repay her for the dress she purchased... am I over-reacting?Sorry it's so long!!!http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers

bablingbrooke

Don't. Just breathe, stop expecting her to come through for you, and hold your tongue until after the wedding. I know of what I speak: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=61608609 Seriously, not kicking my sister out was the best decision I made. Plus, kicking a sister out makes YOU look bad and gives HER ammunition to use against you, possibly forever (you know how sisters can be). You will not regret being the bigger person. But I totally understand your frustration.

duckie1905

If you kick her out you'll be the one that looks like a biitch and she'll get the sympathy.Seriously, just calm down and ignore it and move on.  You'll be happy later that you didn't ruin your relationship with your sister because of a wedding.

fawnkay0ne

I am fully aware of the backlash that will come from asking her to step down... I'm just scared of her ruining my Wedding Day.  My other sister even said she would have kicked her out a long time ago.  What I have posted isn't even 1/10th of what she has put me through the last 8 months. I am just not sure what is worse... maybe I should tell her how I feel and tell her that I feel like she doesn't want to be a part of this and I am willing to let her step down and repay her for the dress?<a href="http://www.theknot.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers&quot;&gt;&lt;img src="http://global.theknot.com/tools/tickers/tt3458c.aspx&quot; alt="Wedding Countdown Ticker" border="0"  /></a>

mbcdefg

If you kick her out of your wedding, there will likely be a HUGE backlash from her for a very long time, if not for the rest of your lives. It's not the same as kicking out a friend - she'll be your sister forever, like it or not. If she didn't like the dress, then it's her own fault for not showing up to give any input. If she's unhappy with the cost, the fault depends on whether or not you asked her about her budget ahead of time ... if you did, then it's her own fault. If not, then it's yours. The shower and bachelorette are none of your business. Leave any arguments up to the hostesses. You should have nothing to do with planning your own parties. Your job is to show up, have fun with those who chose to attend, thank people properly and stay out of the planning. You can either pout about all this, or be the bigger person and let it all go. Give her the info about getting the dress, and when/where she needs to be on the wedding day, and then wash your hands of all of it. Expect nothing more from her than to show up in the dress and you will likely not be disappointed. You don't have to be glued to the hip with her on the wedding day - if she makes rude comments, ignore her. Worst-case scenario (which I very much doubt would happen), if she causes a scene, have her escorted out. This is one of those times where you just need to let it go, and devote your energy to people who ARE willing to be nice to you. Ignore those who are not. Kicking her out will just make matters worse, and will wind up making YOU look like the bad guy here. Take the high road and put it all behind you.

bablingbrooke

Read my post that I gave you the link to if you haven't already. My wedding day was PERFECT despite my sister's antics and yours will be too. You may think it's worth it now to kick her out, but you won't feel that way the day after the wedding. The only way that one person can ruin your wedding is if that one person is your FI who decides not to show up. That's a perspective that I really didn't believe until I got married, but it's absolutely true.

jeannigirl

Just let it go like all the girls said its not worth the headache. Do read bablingbrooks story because her sis was a big pill , and she choose to ignore it has it was the day that her and her FI made that big step foward in their lifes together.

duckie1905

I'm just scared of her ruining my Wedding DayIf her bad behavior has the ability to competely ruin your entire wedding day then you are taking this all too seriously.  I really doubt that she could do anything that would be so awful that you will be unable to remember anything good happening all day long.As everyone said, you need to just relax.  She is going to be your sister for the rest of your life and your wedding isn't worth ruining the relationship.

fawnkay0ne

I did read the post... I commend you for putting up with all of that.  My sister has also bad mouthed me to my MOH and everyone else.  She doesn't actually have one nice thing to say to me, and has told other people she doesn't even want to be in my Wedding because I am so "horrible".  I don't have enough time in the day to explain what I went through with her over the last year (we lost my father to cancer in January and she was horrible through that ordeal as well).  If it means anything my sister is 32 and still acts this way!  I know that you are all right and I should let it go.  I have been doing that for so long at this point I guess I just needed to vent!The funny thing is that I didn't plan my own bridal shower and didn't ask her for anything, my MOH did, and yet she called me on the day of and put me on the spot about all of this.  Telling me no-one has a bridal shower on a Friday evening and I should expect her to be late... I didn't choose Friday, my MOH did... it has just been a nightmare and I know my wedding day will be wonderful no matter what... I needed some talking down from the ledge!

bablingbrooke

And if you had had it on a Saturday afternoon, she would have found a problem with that too ("Who has a shower on a Saturday afternoon? That's my one day off all week..."). I don't know why some alleged adults act this way to their own sisters during such an important time, but they do. I commend you for putting up with it so far. You'll get through the wedding day without a care for what she does; my sister apparently got wasted and had to leave early and I had no idea because I was so busy with other people and other things. 100 different people will be pulling you in 100 different directions, you'll be catching up with friends and family, dancing, taking pictures, eating... your sister will be the furthest thing from your mind. Good luck! You're going to have a great wedding no matter what this girl does.

fawnkay0ne

Duckie... what I mean by ruining my Wedding Day is that if she behaves worse or the same and she and I have to get into that day... my face being a puffy, runny, mess... or her deciding not to be in or go to the wedding and having to explain that to my mother who is a lot like my sister.  My Wedding Day will be the happiest day of my life no matter what because I truly have an amazing fiance and nothing could trump us getting married, which is the point, not the wedding, but if I see a disaster ahead I just wondered if it isn't better to avoid it.I appreciate everyone's responses and I will most definitely talk with her nicely about the situation and my feelings and hope that things turn out okay.

bablingbrooke

Have sis get ready somewhere else and then just show up in time for pictures, the ceremony, etc. That's what we did and I'm 100% sure it averted disaster. My sister doesn't pull her sh!t in front of lots of people, so having her show up when the rest of the WP, both sets of parents, grandparents, etc. were all there for pictures and then immediately jetting off to the ceremony was the best course of action for us. Might that work for you?

duckie1905

So then problem solved...you realize she won't ruin your wedding day.Here's the deal: if you kick her out you will not only cause possibly relationship-ending damage with your sister but you will look like the awful one, no matter what her behavior has been like in the past.On the other hand, if she does any of the things you mentioned above, she'll look like an idiot and a brat.  She can only make you upset if you allow her to.  As babling said, you'll have a million other things going on-it won't be hard to ignore her behavior if she does act up.

fawnkay0ne

Having her get ready somewhere else would be another thing for her to say I am a bad sister, but I just talked to my MOH and she has said she will handle anything my sister does that day.  So glad to have good friends and my other sister emailed me and said she will be a buffer as well.  I should have talked to them first and then maybe I wouldn't have gotten so upset!

JuliaGoolia719

I would talk to your MOH or someone you can trust, let her/them know that you are worried about your sister acting lik herself and trying to start drama w you on the day of and ask them to run interference for you.  Basically if they see you guys talking and you look in any way upset (or just if shes talking to you at all if you want to be safe lol) to come get you for an "issue" that needs your attention. That way she wont have the opportunity to get you all worked up. 

bablingbrooke

Wonderful! You've got two other people to run interference so you're going to be fine. You're going to have a wonderful wedding with your other sister, MOH, and all the other people who love and care about you. Good luck

jeannigirl

Ok girl breathe and smile and enjoy your special day. This is what you have been looking toward and planning a long time.  It is good that you have 2 girls who will flank you on both sides. They can be the one that stops all the nonsense. Let them and just get dressed in that beautiful gown that you choose and lift your head high because you will be walking the aisle to your man to marry him. Enjoy,Enjoy and have fun with those who are there to celebrate with you. 

ffmaid

1. She should have called the hostess not you and said she could not attend the shower. "Yes throwing a shower on a friday is likely to get folks unable to attend. She should not have offered to bring a tray of food if not attending but that is between her and teh hostess not your issue2. She did not have to attend your shower or bachlorette they are not summons but optional events. 3.Picking a dress when you know it was too expensive for your bm was rude of you. 4. Do not have her step down so far she is doing the mimnimum required of her which is get the dress and show up. Asking a sister to steop down will cause family ww3. If you were my sister and asked my other sister to step down that would be reason for other sister to not stand up and for everyone in your family to refuse to attend

mbcdefg

The funny thing is that I didn't plan my own bridal shower and didn't ask her for anything, my MOH did, and yet she called me on the day of and put me on the spot about all of this. Telling me no-one has a bridal shower on a Friday evening and I should expect her to be late... I didn't choose Friday, my MOH did1. Let me rephrase my original statement ... I didn't mean "plan" solely in terms of picking out invites and planning the menu. I also meant that you shouldn't get involved with the behind-the-scenes stuff, either. So my apologies for being confusing. 2. This was your MOH's fault for bringing this up to you. Ideally, she should've dealt with it on her own and not involved you, because it really DOESN'T involve you technically. If your sister bailed out on a promise to help out, then that's between her and the shower hostess. If your other BMs start _bitching about your sister, I would just say, "Please, don't get me involved. This is between you and Sister. I'm truly sorry if she's causing you stress, but I have a lot on my plate right now and it would mean a lot to me if you didn't involve me and make me play referee between all of you. Please, either work it out amongst yourselves or just ignore her and don't attempt to involve her anymore."

genna.west

too many times people put emphasis on not hurting someones feelings or this and that.  kick her butt out- she does not deserve to have the honor of being in your wedding.  After all that, how dare she have the nerve to expect to me in your wedding.  just because she is your sister does not automatically deem her as an essential to your wedding party.  girl, I have no problem not having my sister in laws in there.  if they want to cry about it- fine- ill go get them a tissue.   

bablingbrooke

genna: Come back after the wedding and tell us how life is going with an attitude like that.

mbcdefg

Genna, a non-snarky question ... if you were in this situation, would you be willing to possibly endure a lifetime of snide remarks and fights over kicking your sister out of a one-day event? Would you be willing to sever ties with a blood relative over a one-day event over this kind of behavior? I'm not denying that the sister in question here sounds like an absolute pain, but I really think it's unwise to boot her from a wedding party over all this. he sister is being a jerk, true, but it's not like she's done something absolutely unforgiveable here. As far as kicking her out, I don't think the end justifies the means.

fawnkay0ne

ffmaid My MOH gave plenty of notice for her and the event was thrown in the evening with enough time for people to arrive without getting out of work early.  My sister RSVP'd that she would be at both events, and had gotten off early for HARRY POTTER... clearly she is capable of getting out on time, not early for my shower.  As for the dress, I didn't pick one that was too expensive... she was complaining a way of "well I have to buy a plane ticket, and a dress for your wedding, and shoes etc." after she agreed, and goes to starbucks twice a day, and she always knew the cost of the dress.  As for my other sister, she has told me she would have kicked this sister out long ago, and everyone is appalled by her behaviour, but this isn't the only time she has acted this way.Retreatbride - I love this idea!!!mbcdefg - My MOH didn't call me, my sister did!  Even though I had nothing to do with the planning, and when I told her that I didn't know why she was putting it on me and that she shouldn't have agreed 3 months ago if she couldn't do it, she got mad at me for being rude.Duckie and Babling - thanks for calming me down early this morning before it got out of hand!Lissa - I worry about having that happen at the last minute, and letting it build up until then.  I think if I explain that her behaviour is hurtful and that I don't want her to feel like this is an obligation, rather something she wants to do, perhaps that will calm things down a bit.

mbcdefg

mbcdefg - My MOH didn't call me, my sister did! Even though I had nothing to do with the planning, and when I told her that I didn't know why she was putting it on me and that she shouldn't have agreed 3 months ago if she couldn't do it, she got mad at me for being rude.Sorry for misunderstanding. It's been a long, hot day :PBut I just don't think it'd turn out well to kick your sister out of the wedding. I think that dealing with her bad attitude for another few weeks would be WAY better than kicking her out now and dealing with a grudge for a possible lifetime. I don't think you're overreacting to be pissed off at her, but I DO think that kicking her out is not the answer. I think the best answer here is to limit contact with her as much as possible and concentrate your attention on the people who are being nice to you.

ffmaid

ffmaid My MOH gave plenty of notice for her and the event was thrown in the evening with enough time for people to arrive without getting out of work early. My sister RSVP'd that she would be at both events, and had gotten off early for HARRY POTTER... clearly she is capable of getting out on time, not early for my shower. As for the dress, I didn't pick one that was too expensive... she was complaining a way of "well I have to buy a plane ticket, and a dress for your wedding, and shoes etc." after she agreed, and goes to starbucks twice a day, and she always knew the cost of the dress. As for my other sister, she has told me she would have kicked this sister out long ago, and everyone is appalled by her behaviour, but this isn't the only time she has acted this way."1. Yes she is a pill for not showing up on time after rsvping but that is not your problem she was not required to attend it was rude to hostess but thats it. Honestly harry potter may be more fun then your shower for her. Also she may have pushed it at work doing so she was not required to attend but was rude to rsvp yes and show late2.Yes dress+ plane+ shoes is expensive and adds up. If she told you that it was out of her budget for your wedding you should have respected that no matter is she has a budget for coffee or not it was out of her your wedding budget and you were insensitive to not respect that. Weddings cost in my experience $500-2K to be a bm. Much more if out of town or realtive3.Yes sister is being a pill but you should not be one. Seriously you will cause more drama. My older sister sounds like yours well I let them pick their own dresses and did not pressure for evcents as honestly they would be more fun without her. Relax and just let her be and stop asking for trouble by asking for anything from her this can not be a new wrinkle in your famikly it has been going on for a while i bet

banana468

Sorry I'm late!  It sounds like babling, Retread and others have given you some great advice already.Don't let her irritate you. Know that she may want to start something and bean dip or ignore.  The best revenge is showing her that you just don't care.And if she does try to start anything, that's when you have plan B.  MOH runs interference and if necessary she gets to see if any paid staff can get involved (should she actually make a scene).  My guess is that she's not likely to throw a temper tantrum in front of your family so instead, just smile and hug her and at the end of the day, who cares?   Let it roll off your back. 

fawnkay0ne

ffmaid 1.  Since she committed to bringing the burritos, it was rude to more than the hostess.  It was rude to the guests who would have been without food.2.  I wasn't very clear.  The plane ticket was for something completely separate from my wedding.  We live in the same town, and that is where the wedding is being held.  She was complaining to me about all of her expenses etc. including my wedding, but she agreed to be in the wedding after she knew the expense involved.  It is costing my BM's (excluding my MOH who has gone above and beyond) around $200, maybe a little less to be in the wedding.  Although, my sister who complained about spending $150 on a dress is taking it upon herself to pay for her hair, make-up, and trial run of hair, which is equal to, if not more than, the amount for her dress and shoes.  I didn't ask or require this of my BM's.  I also told them NOT to buy me a wedding gift as I felt they were doing a lot by being in the wedding.3.  I haven't asked her for anything other than being in the wedding, getting the dress, shoes.Maybe this will clear up a few things you seem to think I have done wrong, but I honestly have been doing everything I possibly can to make her feel comfortable and accommodate HER for MY wedding.  At this point, as I stated, I am going to tell her how I feel and let it be.

jeannigirl

I don't think anyone was trying to say that your in the wrong. It is oblious that your sis is not really responsible and it being a pain. You really need to let this all go and let her be alone and she will make herself look studip and childish. You will be entering a marriage with FI and that is all that you need to focus in on. You do have your reinforcements with your other girls. Let them take care of the crap. You relaz and enjoy your day.