To be a bridesmaid or not to be a bridesmaid??

Lizard5

I have a group of friends that I run around with regularly. Some friends are closer than others, but we are all together and act as close friends all the same. I am having a very traditional and large wedding of around 350. Ok that is the background info. Now to the question that I need help with! I have decided to ask all in my group of friends with the exception of one, and I am feeling kind of quilty about this decision because I know this friend will be very hurt. We are not the best of friends, but we are still friends.    The reason I am thinking against asking her is because she is very much an attention seeker and it tends to overshadow whatever event is going on. She is very beautiful and she uses her looks to get the attention she wants, and is usually very drunk while doing it! I don't want to feel like I am competing for attention on my wedding day/festivities. I had this problem at my graduation party, and it was bad enough that she wouldn't even give me a couple of minutes to address everyone and give a speech. She could not stand that and had to take the attention off of me, and talk over me and mock me at the same time. I don't think that she means to be rude and attention hungry, but this is just the way she had always been. I know this and usually I just let her have it. At my grad party, I told her I didn't appreciate that and she hurt my feelings, and it just led to a fight that wasn't worth it. I don't want to have to worry about this on my wedding day! My fiance told me that he doesn't want her in the wedding because he sees the way she treats me and acts inappropriately.   So all odds are pointing to her not being in the wedding. The problem is I don't want to hurt her feelings because she will be the only one out of our group that is not included, and I know she will feel left out. She is going to be at the wedding anyways! But I think she might have a little more of a reason to act crazy if she is in a BM dress, and I do not want that! I would fit her in somewhere giving her a "job" but it is not the same and would still kind of be a slap in the face. What should I do? Just include her or stick to my guns and not include her in the wedding party??

bablingbrooke

You won't be competing for attention. You're the bride. If you're this insecure, you need to reevaluate your friendship and maybe even see a therapist. If you're that concerned about being the center of attention, you need to look at the wedding and the purpose of getting married. The point is to get married. Everyone will be paying attention. But if you're concerned that you'll be "competing for attention on your wedding day" then really consider what your priorities are. Frankly I wonder why you're even friends with someone who you seem to dislike so much. Address that and then address whether you want her to be a bridesmaid. Also, since you have about a year until your wedding, wait a couple months before you ask anybody. Then you will have had a chance to really think this true and are much less likely to make a decision you will regret.

dsouldiva

Personally I think the attention she will grab by you not asking her will far outweigh the benefits on the day, you have almost a whole year of drama ahead if you exclude her.You are going to be the bride, whatever your insecurities are telling you, you will be the centre of attention not your bridemaids.  I wonder what you will do if she were to turn up as a guest in an attention grabbing outfit???Your reasons for not asking her sound a little bit petty and spiteful IMO, less to do with her acting up and more a punishment for past behaviour, if you are worried about her being drunk, just ask the waiters to be slow to fill up her glass.I would approach this with grace and not exclude her.

megk8oz

The truth of the matter is, if she really behaves like this, she's going to do it whether you ask her or not. If this is the only real reason you don't want to ask her, then you might need to do some reflecting on the matter, because this kind of seems like not that great of a reason to exclude her (If your going to be asking everybody else).You are GOING to be the center of attention on your wedding day. Whether she's a drunken crazy BM, or a drunken crazy guest (Which, she REALLY might surprise you and behave herself), people either won't be paying attention to her ... or if they are, its going to be "Look at the crazy drunk chick ... oh, they're cutting cake now" and be done with it.I've seen firsthand the out of control BM (Like auditioning for Girls Gone Wild on the dance floor out of control). There sometimes is no stopping it ... but really, aside from the BP having a conniption over it, the guests (Who were mostly family members that had never seen the girl before) hardly gave her a second glance. They were either talking to the newlyweds or socializing with other family and friends they hadn't seen in a long time. So really, you can't let something like that ruin your day.Of course, if you're really so scared of her behavior, you could always take the drastic step of not inviting her at all. That way you don't have to spend your entire day focused on worrying about her behavior. Because she won't be there. (Please note: DON'T actually do that, I was trying to make the point that spending your day worrying about somebody else's behavior is silly).I'm never an advocate for adding somebody in that you don't want, but honestly, if this is the only thing stopping you, let it go.

ffmaid

Just have her as a guest. Or better yet it sounds liek she is not really a friend and just happend to be a friend of friends and in that case be honest with yourself and her and realize that she is not a friend and thus does not deserve a spot even as a guest at your wedding

kpeteley

Don't listen to previous posts about you being insecure.  They don't know you or the situation first hand.  Neither do I , but I would like to assume that this is about having an obnoxious friend who has stayed in your life because she is part of a group.  With that said, in 5 or 10 years from now do you imagine keeping the friendship on your own?  If the answer is No, then don't put her in - but be prepared for her backlash.  If she is going to be obnoxious on your day - she is going to do it no matter what - at least if she isn't in your wedding party - you don't have to deal with her for getting dresses etc related to BM stuff, plus do you really want someone like that there for pictures, getting ready ?? I had a friend like this, she didn't steal my spotlight, but constantly was loud, rude and just annoying.  She was gone from my life after a few years - and I haven't looked back  

CTGirl30

I think when selecting bridesmaids, it's best to think about who is going to be most supportive as your prepare for your wedding. I'm having a tough time trying to decide if I should ask one particular friend of mine as well for the simple fact that she is usually very selfish and only focused on her needs 90% of the time, can tend toward negativity and needs constant handholding with things. She is my friend, but we're not as close as I am with the other girls in our group and when it comes to bridesmaids, I'd like to have friends in my wedding party who will be there to support me along the journey who will provide postive energy and enthusiasm. 3 of my other friends fit this ideal and they are the ones I am definately planning to ask. If your friend isn't going to be a source of positive support for you as you prepare for your wedding, I'd really rethink asking her to be in the wedding party. Don't ask anyone out of a feeling of obligation - esp if they shown you they cannot be supportive in other situations. She's not going to miraculsouly change for your wedding. Your wedding day should find you surrounded by good friends who care about you and when you look back on your wedding day photos in 10-15 years, will you have a good feelign about each of those girls standing next to you? Or will you have negative memories of one in particular? If your fiancee also isn't a fan of this girl and having her in the WP, then that also is something to consider.

banana468

How do you feel about her as a friend?If you truly think that she's a wonderful person and near and dear to you then ask her to be a BM.However if you're just not as close to her as you are to the other friends, just ask her to attend as a guest - or ask her to do a reading which is also a lovely role.You can't have everyone close to you in the WP or there would be no guests.  That said, please don't decide to not invite her because you think she's going to steal your spotlight.  That's not a possibility and that's worrying a bit too much about the big day.  However if your lack of desire to have her in the wedding is because you simply aren't as close to her as the others then don't ask her to be in the wedding.One of my closest friends didn't ask me to be in her wedding but she was one of my BMs.  I totally understood and was delighted to attend her wedding as a guest.  After all, all of us who shared in the wedding nad reception were honored.   I didn't need a matching dress to prove it. 

mbcdefg

When you're friends with someone, you pretty much have to accept them for who they are. People won't change because you're getting married, nor should you expect them to. If you wouldn't disapprove of someone's behavior before your engagement, then your wedding is really no excuse to start the disapproval. My point being - if your ONLY reason for not asking this girl is because you think she's an attention wh0re (and you're close with her otherwise) ... then honestly I think that's not a great reason to avoid asking her. The point of your wedding is to marry your partner and to celebrate with your loved ones afterward - not to have all eyes focused on you. If you think she's good enough to be a friend, but would ruin your wedding by taking away attention from you, then that seems hypocritical to me. Either be her friend and accept her for who she is, or quit being her friend if you disapprove of her behavior so much. Your wedding isn't the time to suddenly say that her behavior is unacceptable, if you wouldn't have said it at another point in life. But it seems like you're not as close to her as these other friends. So if that's the true reason, then I wouldn't ask. If you have to talk yourself into including someone, then it's not really a wise idea to have them as a BM (I was in the same situation, and wound up not asking because I found myself trying to come up with reasons why I should ask her, rather than saying right off the bat, "I want XXX as my bridesmaid").

LarissaAnn

No one takes attention off the chick in the big white dress. Trust me.

iwalktheline

first of all, i would definitely tell you to do what your heart tells you to do, because having a bridesmaid that you regret asking really stinks (believe me).  you should really surround yourself with people that you feel really love you and will just make the day that much better for you. however, having said that, have you considered the possibility that this girl might be more apt to cause a scene if you don't ask her? she'll probably be feeling pretty hurt and resentful having been the only one not asked, and if she really is as self centered as you say, she'll probably want to get back at you in some way.i guess i would ask is there any way to exclude more than just her?  perhaps ask only the girls that you feel really close to and not the entire group minus this one girl?  that way she's not the only one left out and won't feel as resentful?  as i've been told many times, just try to do the kindest thing for everyone, no matter what that may be.good luck!

jeannigirl

The only problem with this is that is her personality apparently and you have been friends with her knowing this. Yes it can be quite annoying has I have had friends that like that limelight and want everyone to know that they have arrived.I don't see why you think that you would have to include her in your party. Noone is going to be acknowleging her has they will be focused on the B&G. With this being said there is quite alot of time before the big day. I would personally wait for at least 6 months before wedding to ask. People do change sometimes, and it isn't always for the best.You do want to look at the big picture of friendship and weigh out who has been there for you in a true friendship through thick or thin, someone who will have your back and also be able to tell you when your wrong and visa versa without getting bent at one another. Don't talk wedding around your friends, just lay really low for a while and plan all the other stuff with your FI and parents.

mbcdefg

Oh, and let me add: if she's not a bridesmaid, then don't give her a "job" - just let her enjoy herself as a guest. Being put to work in lieu of being a bridesmaid is an insult. Something like a reading would be appropriate, though, because it's not like she's working while others are having fun (like if she had to stand by the guestbook and bug people to sign while others are off enjoying the cocktail hour or something).

LarissaAnn

A reading would also give her the limelight for a short time, which she sounds like she'd appreciate... AND keep her out of the potential for bridesmaid drama that can ensue surrounding shower & bachelorette party & choice of dress.

dianenjnj

she sounds awful.i can't figure why you would invite her to the wedding in the first place seeing how she has treated you in the past let alone asking her to be part of your bridal party...your asking for drama and a big problem.you don't have to invite her at all if she's not your friend...and from what you say...it sure sounds like she's not.keep your thoughts about inviting her/not inviting her to yourself...she'll get the message either way when the invites are sent out. 

Lizard5

Thank you so much for all the advice!! It is alot to think about for sure! This day is such an important day, and I just want it to run smoothly (as everyone does). I am not insecure or that concerned about attention (I should have worded it differently I suppose). I just don't want to have to worry about butting heads with someone that I have already had problems with. I am definitely going to wait a while until I ask anyone to be a BM, but this has been the most troubling aspect as I am thinking about our wedding. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time I don't want to regret asking someone after it is too late. As I said, she is a friend, but I wouldn't consider her a best friend. I am much more close to my other friends than with her, but I would be singling her out if I didn't ask her, and I think she would be upset. I would definitely invite her. That would be awful if I didn't, and I could never do that! I like the idea of letting her do a reading! When I think about it I don't really know if we would be friends 5 or 10 years from now. We are really just friends because we have mutual friends to be honest!  Oh, and she has already nominated herself to plan my bachelorette party, which is my MOH's job (with the help of BMs). I am going to think about it more, and let time tell what will happen for now! Thank you for the helpful advice!

nuremenosh

Before you exclude only one friend remember how glaring the exclusion is on that day. Your friend sits alone during the ceremony, rides along to the reception, mingles alone during cocktail hour (likely being asked by some goofy aunt why she isnt in the wedding too) while you and the rest of the tight clique are riding in the limo, taking pictures, and in the bridal room freshening up. She will then suffer through the awkwardness and extra sting as your entire group is introduced and she sits alone at a table since your maids arent seated yet or without her best buds if your having a head table. Imagine how you might feel if that were you. Trust me, I was once that person and the whole thing was very painful. I'm assuming this friend had all these antics in a college scenario. I had friends like that too. But real life and college are completely different. Many times once people start working and settling into the real world that kind of behavior goes away as people mature.

bablingbrooke

she has already nominated herself to plan my bachelorette party, which is my MOH's job (with the help of BMs). I'm telling you this now to save you a lot of grief later: Don't assign people those jobs. Tell this girl it's a while before you need to think about that but thank her for offering. But if you tell your MOH and BMs "Okay, plan my bach party!" you may get some blowback that you aren't expecting. 99% of the time the MOH and BMs DO plan it of their own accord, but you never want to be seen as making the demands. Read the PSA I posted that other brides agreed with: The less you ask of your WP, the more they want to help you when you really need help. Glad you found a solution that works and good luck with planning.

Lizard5

Going through all that would be awful for her, I know! But as you say it is a college phase. Well she is not in college, and I have been out of that phase for some time now. She has not been, and I don't really see her changing because she is not trying to change. I am not asking for her to change either. That is who she wants to be, and that is not for me to judge. What I can judge however is who I would like by my side on our big day! Thanks for the advice about not asking too much of the WP. I would never say "Ok plan my BP". But my MOH is my sister, and she and my other closest friend have already decided to take on that duty. But good advice to not ask too much of people. I would certainly like to keep my close friends after the wedding :-)

jeannigirl

Well has far has the comments that were made about excluding her and her feeling bad. Thats life and its not always a trip through a field of flowers.She may raise a stink and maybe a big one. If I were you I'd stop feeling guilty for not wanting her to be part of BP, and don't let anyone else make you feel guilty.She will need to learn to grow up and accept that the world does not involve around her whims and tantrums and such.Yes take the advice of not talking about the wedding to anyone or selecting your BP yet. Just lay low on all wedding stuff with anyone. Keep that between you and FI and us has we can be great sounding boards and help with details and such.

banana468

Lizard, FWIW, I made a choice a few years ago to separate myself from a 'toxic' friend.  It wasn't that she was constantly at the center of attention in a bad way (she was), it wasn't that she would only call me when she needed me (she did) or that she was putting herself in bad situations all the time (she did).  It was that I finally realized that while I cared for her, what the relationship was certainly wasn't friendship.  I was a surrogate parent, a local guardian and possibly someone who she felt she could demand to be there on command.  We've since gotten back in touch however I haven't seen her in almost five years.  She was sorry she missed my wedding and thought she would have been a BM.  I had to do some thinking but ultimately concluded that NO WAY would she have been a BM.  It had nothing to do with the fact that we had known one another for years.  It had everything to do with the fact that she was all to quick to discard me when the time suited her to spend it with someone "better" but she still expected me to place her in my life as one of the ones at the top.That just wasn't going to happen.  If I was still friends with her back when I was getting married, she would have been invited and seated with other mutual friends.If the issue is only that she may be one of a few mutual friends not in the same matching dress but that you still don't feel as close to her, I don't know that making her a BM is a smart idea.  It's a reason to not have a head table. 

mbcdefg

Don't make her a BM just to make her happy, if you're not otherwise close to her. All that teaches her is that she can get exactly what she wants if she whines and complains about it. I'm not saying that you should be cruel or unkind to people, but it's also not your responsibility to keep every single person happy if it's at the cost of your own comfort and sanity. She needs to realize that the world can't bend over backwards for her. I can appreciate not wanting her to be alone during the wedding, but if she doesn't know how to mingle or pleasantly chat with people then that's not your problem. Or she can decline the invite if she's that socially inept. Like a PP said, life isn't always sunshine and lollipops.