Wedding Party Blues

FutureMrsLittleFish

Hi Ladies,I have been checking the boards regularly since I got engaged this past Tuesday (8/11!!!! Still haven't stopped smiling ). I was wondering if anyone would be able to lend me some advice. I have been playing around with the idea of having a large wedding party. (9 bridesmaids and 9 groomsmen.) I know that it will be pretty large and my mother ever so lovingly deemed it a circus. I know that having a large wedding party may lead to unnecessary amounts of drama and some added expenses but I’m not too sure how much I like my other options. Especially since I’ve become attached to the idea of having a large bridal party. I have been playing around with the idea of just having a matron of honor and a best man. Then I also entertained the idea of seeing if the girls that would have been in the bridal party to wear similar/cute dresses? That way, if they all wanted to match they could and then I would still involve them as much as possible? One of my problems is that I hate hurting other people’s feelings and it’s causing me from going from one extreme to the other (large to practically non-existent).Please let me know your thoughts!!!Thanks!

mbcdefg

First off, you have a LOT of time here. A LOT. So I would definitely not ask people to be in the wedding just yet. Wait until about 8-10 months prior to ask people to be in the wedding ... and in the meantime, if someone asks, just reply with "We're still relishing in the engagement! We'll think about that later" (then change the subject). Before you even worry about a wedding party, sit down with your new fiance and start talking about what kind of wedding you both want. The most important step right now is to hammer out a basic plan (a big wedding? small? beach? church? reception hall? bed and breakfast? destination wedding?) and an overall budget. You also shouldn't be picking a wedding party until you have a firm date nailed down (with a ceremony and reception location). Asking someone to be a bridesmaid at this point in time makes zero sense if you don't have a definite answer to when and where the actual wedding is going to take place. Figure those things out first - the wedding party can come later. These things are going to help determine what kind of a bridal party you may end up with. An 18-person wedding party would be really unnecessary if you wind up with a cozy B&B wedding with only 50 people in attendance; if you do a destination wedding, many people might not be able to even attend, let alone be in the wedding party; your budget will determine if you have enough money to pay for flowers and gifts and limo space for all those people. It's great if you have a ton of friends, but remember that more BP members = more money = more potential for drama = more complications. Also, don't think in terms of numbers. Your sides don't need to match. You don't need only women and he doesn't need only men. If you have 9 attendants, your FI doesn't need to have 9 if he otherwise wouldn't have picked 9. Each of you should have exactly who you want up there with you. It's fine if you have a bunch of people and he has one, or vice versa. It's fine if you have your brother or a guy friend on your side. It's fine to have nobody. It's fine to have them in matching dresses or to just ask them to stick to a certain color scheme and pick their own. Totally your call. By all means think about this stuff now. But just THINK about it. Don't discuss it with anyone other than your FI, don't hint to people that they'll be in the wedding, don't make any kind of commitments just yet. Hammer out the important details, and then this stuff can come later.

Leah&Christian09

1) Wait until 9 months before the wedding to choose your WP. So many things will change between now and then, and you can't "unask" someone once they're in. With 18 people, you have a lot of risk of changing relationships. Also, this far out, your ideas of what you want your wedding to be like will change a lot. If you decide 6 months from now that you really just want an intimiate ceremony, you're still stuck with 18 people standing up. 2) When you do decide to ask, think about your closest friends. Think of who you would immediately have to call if something good or bad happened. That's who you include. For everyone else, "guest" is an honor. Don't give them a "semi-BM" roll. It just reinforces that they weren't asked. 3) I know you didn't ask, but just so you know, sides don't have to be even. If you end up asking 9 people, don't push your FI to dig up 9 guys just to match. It leads to hurt feelings and drama. If you do decide to have a large WP, remember that this means you need 9 opinions on dresses and dress budget, 9 BM gifts (and it isn't fair to cheap out just b/c you asked a lot of girls), 9 hair/make up if you want pro, 18 people (plus dates) that you have to invite to the RD, etc. It adds up fast.

FutureMrsLittleFish

Thank you both so much for your input! You helped put things in perspective and that I do have A LOT of time. I need to remember that nothing is set in stone at this point and I should enjoy myself as much as I can. As I’m sure you can tell from my post, I got a little too excited. Thanks again ☺

duckie1905

Wait before you make any decisions.  A year a good, 9 months is better.Don't make the decision based on how you envision things looking or on how including/not including people will make others feel.  Pick your WP based on who you truly want standing with you on your wedding day.  Even if the numbers are uneven, it doesn't matter.We had a large WP (7 BMs, 2 ushers, 6 GMs).  It was not a circus but our friends and family are, for the most part, pretty even keel, go-with-the-flow kind of people.  If you have drama queens or attention seekers your experiences may be different.  I cannot imagine my wedding day without every single one of my 7 BMs up there with me so even though I had a large WP, it was necessarily.  DH feels the same way.It does cost more money to have a large wedding party.  You have to feed them at the RD and wedding, get them flowers, gifts, etc.  That adds up quickly.At the end of the day, you have to do it because those are the people closest to you and those are the people you want standing with you.

trix1223

Congrats on your engagement.  Ditto pps-scroll down this board and read the countless posts from brides who chose too early and now want to know how to "fire" or "demote" a bridesmaid.Relationships change, and you may find that you'll have a much clearer picture about who you want in a WP at this time next year.  And you don't need to ask until this time next year.A large WP=more expense (flowers, gifts, etc.) and possibly more drama (more opinions to consider on dresses, shoes, etc.)  A smaller WP=less expense and one hopes, less drama.The part of your post that I would adamantly counsel against is the thing about having the girls not in the WP wear similar dresses.  They either ARE in the WP or they're not. If they are, they wear whatever you all decide on.  If they're not, you can't really dictate what they wear to your wedding as a guest.  Unless I'm a BM in a wedding, I'm not wearing what anyone else wears.  I'm afraid I'd be pretty insulted:  if would kind of be "I don't really want you as a BM, but I want you to dress up like one and do stuff with me".Brides get very, very, very, very caught up in trying to include everyone.  If you did that, you wouldn't have any guests.  And remember, being a guest IS an honor as well.

bablingbrooke

Glad you decided to wait. You'll be glad you did. Location, size, budget, level of formality, and date are all major factors in determining a WP size (among other things). Wait until you've nailed that down before you make any other decisions about the wedding. I personally think if you have the choice between 9 and 1, go with 1 because getting 9 people to agree on something can be like herding cats. But cross that bridge when you come to it. Also, keep in mind the sides do NOT have to be even. We had 4 on my side and 3 on DH's and it worked out wonderfully. Also, it's only been a week I know you're excited but you'll change your mind a million times. Just enjoy being engaged for awhile; there's a lot to enjoy. Congratulations!

jeannigirl

Congraluations on your engagement, and do enjoy that for a while. Keep hush hush about anything wedding related to your friends and family. Just let them know you are basking in being newly engaged. I know how people can engage in wedding talk and if you keep to yourself, you will save yourself the headache and all the options that you will get. Yes don't make any promises to any of your friends that you will have them in the wedding.I know that alot of people think that friendships won't change, but they do and so putting people into a wedding early can end up biting you in the butt. Just give it some time. Seriously just enjoy being engaged its a new chapter in your life and take the time to just enjoy your FI. You can talk with him when he feels is a good time frame to start planning a wedding. Don't talk about it to much with him has sometimes men aren't has excited about all those details and all the talk. It is good to know that you are open and willing to listen to the experience of others. We will keep you focused and help out when you feel like talking wedding. This is where we all come to.So we don't burn out our FI, friends and family.

banana468

Ditto all the smart ladies here about when to ask and who to ask.And also keep in mind that you'll need a budget with your FI.  A large WP means more gifts to buy.  It also means a huge RD because they need to be invited to that RD with their sig others or dates as applicable.  That can be a budget issue for you or for those paying for certain events - so if people are telling you that they may be assisting with the wedding, keep a budget in mind rather than find out that what you have done is rocked a family boat.Enjoy being engaged.  Congratulations!

peachkins

I too am glad to hear that you're not just jumping into choosing people- especially if you're talking about a WP that large.  There are a lot of things to consider, and most of them have been brought up by the pp.  I will say that my brother and SIL had a big WP when they got married- seven on each side.  We actually didn't have any drama which was great, but it did make it difficult for us to plan things.  When doing the shower and bachelorette there were a lot of people to contact, and a lot of things ended up being planned without everyone's input, including mine.  A couple girls just decided to take charge of things without communicating to the others, and planned things that were out of some girls' price ranges.  None of that is really your problem, but just my own experience being in a large WP.  It also made things a bit hectic for the rehearsal and wedding, but it all worked out.  Seriously, you should have whoever you want to in the wedding.  If you're only having them there because you want a big WP, that's another thing.  And I wouldn't ask the girls to wear similar dresses if they're not actually BMs.  I personally would rather wear what I want as a guest.  Good luck with your planning!

erikakorber

I ended up asking 8 bridesmaids because I just "couldn't" cut any one out.  I'm really excited that I"m going to have my 8 best girl friends up there with me (its what I've always pictured), but... my FI is less than thrilled.  After clearing with him several times about having a large wedding party I asked my 8 friends.  Then, I found out the "if that's what you really want" was going to mean weeks of listening to him rant about how he was never going to find enough groomsmen and everyone at our wedding was going to point out how ridiculously large our wedding party is.  I could care less what anyone else thought, but forgot to really listen to how my FI was feeling.      So, as long as you are both okay with hearing "whoa that's a crazy number of bridemaids/groomsmen" then I say go for it.  I'll be happy to have all my closest friends included.

Calypso1977

we had just a MOH and Best Man.  saved a ton of money and headaches. waht does your groom want?  he gets a say in this too, you know.

klkuczynski

I agree with all the people who have said to wait until 8-10 months depending on the type of wedding you will have to ask your bridal party. My best friend got engaged on a Friday and asked people to be her wp on Sunday... she regreted it. She asked 2 people to be matrons of honor becuase she felt obligated to ask one and she turned out to be a horible maid of honor... never showing up on time or helping with things that were her responsibility. So be cautious.

MeganinWhite

Please keep this in mind that my wedding is in 9 days, I have renovating my kitchen AND have had nothing but bridesmaid drama since the start...Here goes...I would select your bridal party very carefully.  It is so easy to just ask people out of excitement but I would suggest really thinking about it before you mention it to anyone.  One of my bridesmaids has said she was dropping out numerous times, complained about everything, skipped out on paying for the shower and planned a vacation for the bachelorette party even though we had the date set 6 months prior.  When I asked her, she was one of my closest friends but looking back on it I should have seen that she would be difficult.  Pick people who would run through fire for you.  Pick people who will have your back no matter what.  Good luck!!

mrssteen2758

I've dealt with this drama - 7 BM and 7 GM.... take your time deciding because when it gets down to business, people can start dropping like flies!

marisa39

I just wanted to put in my two cents even though I agree with what everyone else has said.  FOr me the most imporant things to consider are: 1.  Budget - everyone has been right on point when mentioning more wedding party members mean more gifts, more people to invite to the wedding and rehearsal dinner with the spouses or significant others, more flowers, etc.  I could go on and on.  You would really be surprised how quickly this all adds up.  Would you be able to afford it?2.  Who is going to be there for YOU? Being a member of a wedding party is a huge committment.  Is who you want to ask ready for the committment? You do not want to ask people who are flakey and irresponsible unless you really can't stand the thought of them not being in your  wedding.  Otherwise, if they do something to flake out on you, you will be hurt and stressed about it.  I have seen too many times where relationships get irreversably damaged because of wedding party miscommunications.

Budnotes

First of all - congratulations!  More than anything - enjoy being engaged and enjoy all of the planning!!!! As far as you thinking about having a large wedding party-for now - just think about it.  I wouldn't act on it right away.  Remember - it's always easier to add more people later on than to have to ask someone to step down.  Focus on maybe 2 or 3 really important people you absolutely cannot be without in your WP and go from there.  More people = more drama!!!  Good luck!

mizdiz444

You have soooo much time to think about this!!!  Don't make any decisions until you are absolutely ready!  I can tell you from personal experience that a large wedding party is a circus!  I was in a wedding that had 7 attendants on each side and that is not including junior attendants and flower girls/ring bearers!!!  You want to be able to relax and enjoy your wedding.  It is very chaotic to have that many people.  You also need to think about the fact that the more people you have, the longer it will take to move from place to place and to take pictures.  If your friends/family members are not mature enough to handle the fact that they may not have made the cut, it is their problem at that point.  One thing I've learned from planning my wedding is that no matter what you do, SOMEONE will not like it or have their own opinion that they will share with you whether you want it or not.  You have to only worry about YOUR and your fiance's feelings.  After all, it is your day, not theirs.  Good Luck!