Wedding Party
Options

Need advice! Sorry for the long post.

I need some advice from someone outside the family :)  It's a month until we get married, and tensions have been building between myself and the parents of one of my flower girls.  To start from the beginning, we had decided to have a super small wedding party: my sister, his sister, and my niece.  Simple right?  Well my little cousin calls and asks if she can be a "princess in the wedding."  It was a tad obvious that the idea had been planted, but who can say no to a cute little 5 year old?  I was happy to have her.  However, everything related to the flower girls has turned into drama.  "Why do they need matching dresses?"  "Why do they need matching shoes?"  Finally, they learned that we had scheduled appointments for the girls to get their hair done with us and things exploded.  Her mother approached my mother in the middle of my shower to say she would do her girls hair.  It was an inappropriate place for the discussion so my mom said fine.  I was aware of the discussion and decided it was not a battle I wanted to fight, and was not going to say anything.  However, her mother then calls my mom, hangs up on her, then gets into a shouting match in a second phone call.  It's totally out of control.  My mom tried to keep the shouting match quiet so I wasnt bothered, but someone spilled the beans.  So now I'm not sure what to do.  I feel that I need to take responsibility for my decisions, the fact that I want the girls to match and look nice.  I don't feel that my mother should have to be the one getting yelled at.  My mom, on the other hand, is fine taking the drama, and says its up to me if I want to call them and talk.  My other worry is that they won't show up, and my uncle is the one that is doing the photography for the wedding.  I should have eloped! lol

Re: Need advice! Sorry for the long post.

  • Options
    I don't know your situation exactly but to me I infer that the mother of the flower girl does not have the money you are requiring of her. The matching dresses and shoes may have been out of her price range but especially the hair comment is what is making me think this. If you're requiring that they get their hair done you need to pay for it. If she wants to do her own girls hair why is that a big deal? My guess is that they feel you have been requiring too much of them.Take a deep breath. Ask them why they are so upset and try and work the situation out. If they are still screaming just minimize contact.
  • Options
    Honestly...If I were you, I would speak up about it. At the end of the day hun it's your wedding so whatever YOU say goes and if other people dont like it then that's their bad luck. Put your foot down & set the record straight that you wont tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone and that they need to back off & allow you to do it the way you want to do it. If you want matching shoes, hair & dresses then by all means go with what you want & to hell with everyone else! Please dont look back on your wedding day wishing you could change things because you listened to everyone else & didnt do what you wanted to!!!
  • Options
    Pick and choose your battles here. I'm a firm believer that what flies for adults needs to be the rule at least for the children - if not flexed for them.Just as you can't require your BMs to get their hair done a certain way or have it done professionally (particularly if you're wanting them to pay) the same holds for the children.And just as the adult attendants should have input in their attire, adults should  have input (both a look and monetary) into the attire of their children.  It's fine to say that you want the daughters in dresses of a similar  color/style and similar shoes.  Beyond that, please don't push them.If a mother of a flower girl is screaming at the mother of the bride, it's inappropriate, rude to the MOB and absolutely uncalled for.  That said, don't punish the child even if Mom pushed her into the role.  Be flexible with the child and her parents.And since you have some time until the wedding, wait a week or so and then call the flower girl's mother telling her that you hope everything is all set for the big day - and be flexible.
  • Options
    It's not a money issue.  We're the ultimate bargain shoppers, the dress is $30, shoes haven't been found yet that are appropriate and wallet friendly.  The hair will be super simple as well.  I've heard second hand that they think I want to get the girls hair colored and she'll end up looking like she's going to prom.  The entire thing is a big misconception on their part.Yes I agree, I do not want my little cousin to suffer from any of this.  I will wait a few days and let things calm down.Thanks gals :)
  • Options
    Relax on the hair and shoes.  Reassure the mom that hair coloring was never part of it and offer to pay for the girl's hair out of your pocket since this is something that you are wanting (and no it's not a gift).If mom wants to do the girl's hair then let her.   It's just not that big a deal.
  • Options
    Ditto banana - compromise by letting her pick out her daughter's shoes (you can specify the color and maybe the style), and ease up on the hair thing. Stick to the dress you want. If they're pissing and moaning about it, pay for her dress yourself so that you can get what you want. I can only see them having a right to complain if the dress is inappropriate, but I assume that's not the case here. $30 is a steal. Some parents are very touchy about their little girls getting dolled up like older women do (even if it's a cute, innocent style). Maybe she's getting a frilly oversexed pageant girl, JonBenet vibe from the hairstyling idea or something, I dunno. Hair and shoes are not worth fighting this woman about however, so let those two go to keep the peace. Call the mother, gently and calmly explain what you wanted, but then say something like, "I can understand if these things bother you. How about if you pick out Susie's shoes and then you can tell me if you want to fix her hair yourself, or if you want to talk to the stylist about a cute style for her?"
    image
  • Options
    i truely doubt anyone at your wedding is going to remember your flower girl's hair or shoes. i agree with pp that you should specify what style of shoe you want, and let the mom find them if she wishes. do the same for the hair. tell the mom how you would like it (all up, down and curled, whatever) and let the mom take it from there. of all things to fight about.. the flower girl's attire should not be on the list.. she is going to be adorable regardless!
    Meagan and Travis
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    BFP 2/27/11 Missed M/C 4/2/11
    BFP 6/8/11 Delilah Rae born February 17, 2012
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    Matching shoes is too much!  No one will remember what they look like and, as one bridal book (directed at the MOB to help her keep the bride sane) states "The only people looking at a person's feet are people with foot fetishes and persons under 3 feet tall." 
  • Options
    Sorry to disagree with the others but perhaps if money is an issue the mother shouldn't have pushed her daughter into your wedding univited. WTF?!What 5 year old suddenly thinks "my cousin is getting married, maybe I could be a princess in her wedding?!?!"Personally I would phone the Mother and tell her if she abuses your mother on the phone again they are not welcome at the wedding.  There is NO excuse for her behaviour!Oh and I would find a back up Photographer.This is why I will not be having children at my wedding!
  • Options
    Agree w/PPs on advice.  On a seperate note--please, please, please change your SN.  Never a good idea to use personal info, like an email address in a public forum that anyone can see.
  • Options
    Drop the hair request. I am one of those women who's uncomfortable with the overly dolled up look especially on little girls. I would be very leary of letting my little girls go to the salon to get their hair done. Shoes can go the same as hair as well. I remember when I was little my mother was adament that I not have a shoe with a heel until I was like 12. Another thing to consider, if its a money issue, maybe she's looking for something that can double as another dress like a first communion dress or holiday dress or some other kind of party dress.
  • Options
    I have to ask did you ask her how much she could afford on her daughers attire? If she can only afford a certain amount that let her pay what she can and then pay for the rest. Has far has shoes noone is even going to even notice. The hair thing you can tell her what your intentions were and if your not paying then she may not want that extra expense and chooses to do her childs hair.I agree 5 year olds do not even think of being a princess in a wedding, momma set her up to do that. You need to know what she can afford and make it easy for them.I do think that it is totally uncalled for the way she related to your mom. However your mom needs to handle that  battle not you. Let that one go.
  • Options
    This woman is being given way too much power in your wedding.If she planted the idea in the little girl's head, what did she think was going to happen in regards to dressing her daughter? Most flowergirls DO match and it's NOT her place to be making decisions for someone else's wedding.  Plain and simple.  If she complains about the dress/shoes/color of the sky, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and change the subject.  If she misunderstood the hair appointment thing, set her straight.The next time she takes it up with your mom, speak up and let her know that it is NOT okay to address the situation like that.  If she has a problem with the situation SHE created, she should speak to you.   Sounds to me like she's just looking to be involved and her daughter being included gives her an "in". 
  • Options
    I forgot to add that if it is a financial issue and the dresses are reasonably priced (and it sounds like they are), SHE should have thought of that when the request was made.  Being in a wedding party isn't cheap sometimes...if we can't afford for our kids to be in a wp, we don't accept the honor (DH and I are typically asked first, which we appreciate to avoid hurt feelings). 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards