My Bridesmaid is STRESSING ME OUT!

katie.e.gilliam

Hello Everyone, My name is Katie and I'm getting married in October. My bridesmaid/best friend is making me more stressed out over my wedding than the wedding itself is! It first started with the fact that any time I would talk about the wedding she would have absolutely nothing positive to say and just point out the negative. I know I probably talk about the wedding a little too much especially considering it's less than 2 months away but what does she expect when that's whats going on with my life? Also...any time I would have ideas for my own wedding and wouldn't use her idea (to which I wouldn't just shoot her ideas down in a mean way) she would take it personally EVERY TIME! I could go on about the details of her behavior towards me but it would take too long. Now understand that I am EXTREMELY greatful for any help and input on the wedding and I try very hard to make her aware of how truly thankful I am but she seems to want to paint a picture of me as 'bridezilla' or something. This last instance is what really sent me over the edge... She volunteered to Host my Bachlorette Party which I thought was a great idea considering it would give her something to get excited about concerning the wedding. I just started a new job and my manager happens to be getting married the same day as the party and asked if I could just check to see if the invitations had already been printed and if we could push it back a weekend. So I left a very simple voice message just to check, no biigie, if we couldnt move the date my manager would find coverage and my bridesmaid got super pissed that I even asked. THEN she got super pissed at me when I sent out a simple facebook invite to the party just so people could take work off and I apologized like crazy that it was just a stupid facebook thing and it wasn't to overshadow her invites and even after apologizing profusely she was still mad. Which really irritates me because I don't want to pull the 'it's my bachlorette party' card but come on! She's just really stressing me out and I don't know what to do...

bablingbrooke

I wonder if there's something else going on that you aren't aware of since by your own admission pretty much all you talk about is your wedding? From your POV it's "ONLY two months away" but from hers it could be that "She has two WHOLE months". I'm not saying you shouldn't be excited or that you shouldn't be talking about it, but I just wonder if something slipped through the cracks in the past few months that you aren't aware of and she's upset that you aren't asking about it? I also think you might do well to make a conscious effort to talk about non-wedding stuff with her and others. You say that's what's going on in your life, but you also have a new job, other friends, not to mention the things they're up to. You have many, many other topics of conversation. Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk about it at ALL or that you shouldn't be excited, but try to only bring up wedding stuff if someone asks about it for awhile. You may be bringing it up much more than you realize. People do get wedding burnout. I too would be irritated if I was planning a party and had everything planned and then the guest of honor says "we need to move the date" but I certainly wouldn't have screamed at you. Maybe it's a hassle to move it, maybe it isn't. But based on what you posted here I don't think you did anything to deserve this behavior. It sounds like you've got a friendship problem rather than a bride-BM problem. Talk to her friend to friend, see what's up.

bablingbrooke

By the by, after you get your advice, delete this thread if that's your full name and get a new screenname for future posts. People have been hassled here after others googled their screennames and found out who they really are. Despicable behaviour but you never know what weirdos are out there; you certainly don't need to be a knot member to lurk and read the posts.

katie.e.gilliam

Very true...I think it is more of a friend problem. I just really don't want our friendship to be so hot tempered right before my wedding. I want to look back at having her a part of this special time and be happy that I chose her...not with resentment. It's just hard...when people get stressed out, that's what stresses me out and I really feel like I'm doing the best I can considering all the craziness of planning a wedding. Thanks so much for your input!

banana468

I also have to wonder if there's more to the story.  For some people, being two months out from the wedding is still a long time.  For others it's when things start to get more exciting than they already were.It seems like there also might have been some issues with how things were handled on both sides.  Try not to bring up the wedding so much as the only thing happening - and make sure to ask her how she's doing once in a while.  Sometimes brides can forget to do that - I know I had to remind myself not to dominate the conversation when I was engaged.Also, when it comes to the bachelorette, asking her to move the date can be frustrating but she should have handled it better.  However I think she's probably also upset that you made made mention of the party.  It was her party that she's hosting so really, you were out of line to send out any information on it - even if it was a Facebook invitation.   Remember, it's your bachelorette party but just like with a shower, you don't send out anything on it.  Take a day or so and call her and apologize for stepping on her toes.  Let her know how happy and appreciative you are for everything she's doing and that you didn't want to belittle her efforts or look like you're suddenly micromanaging her.

bablingbrooke

You know, my sister was my MOH and she put me through hell. You name it, she did it. I didn't kick her out and I (mostly) didn't say anything to her about it but just ignored it. Come the wedding, any and all anger just washed away. It was a perfect day. If anyone has reason to look back at her wedding photos and say "God I wish she hadn't been there" it was me and I haven't felt that way once. I think about the good things people did, not the bratty things my sister did. Believe me, the week before the wedding I was this close to telling her off and kicking her out and feeling like it would have made things better. But I'm so glad now I didn't. I know you're not planning to kick her out or anything but my point is I know she's being a brat now and it's trying, but I don't think you'll regret her being involved. You asked her for a reason so you obviously have a history of being good friends and you should be able to survive a joyful occasion like a wedding

katie.e.gilliam

Thanks Brooke...your last post is what really helped. And again, it's not that I wanted to move the date or that I didn't feel bad about the facebook thing it's just the way she responded to me that really upset me. The date thing was just me checking to see, totally not a big deal and I was fine with the date staying the same. And the facebook thing was just me getting excited and getting ahead of myself! Thanks again!

laurening

She may be feeling overly sensitive and under appreciated. You say that you weren't using her ideas for the wedding (which you don't have to) and she probably put lots of time into the bach party and now feels like it wasn't good enough and how nothing she tries to plan or suggest is a good idea. I would plan a friend date with just the 2 of you and keep the wedding talk to a minimum (make sure you ask about her life and what's going on). Tell her how much you appreciate all her help and you're sorry for stepping on her toes with the party. Sometimes everyone involved needs to take a step back from the wedding for a little while. Focus on what's important: her being a friend, not a bridesmaid. This is sort of the stock answer for these situations, but it can do wonders. I don't think anyone is in the wrong here, but add stress and miscommunication and it can build up.

ffmaid

1. you are constantly talking wedding  not new job not her or her life 2. after agreeing to a date you asked to change it 3. after that you decided her invites were insufficent and that you needed to send out your own invites. Yup she is a little big overreacting but she has reason to be a bit mad at you

banana468

And the facebook thing was just me getting excited and getting ahead of myselfThat's totally understandable.  However it was out of line and you do owe her a sincere apology for overstepping that line. 

stina93446

Ditto Brooke, I was able to google your name Katie, and I found a lot about you. Dangerous.

blenderdance

I agree with everything else, and would also add another dimension to the facebook thing--by putting it out there, you may have alerted people who she had not invited...and they may now be asking her if they can go when she hadn't planned for it...just a thought.  I imagine you are probably concerned now that you have/are about to send out your wedding invites that people you hadn't planned on are going to want to come--it isn't that different with the b-party.

lizbabydoll

I would stop talking to her about wedding details since she's acting like a 13-year old girl... just so I could have some peace and enjoy my wedding preparatives! Dont let her stress you, just laugh about it and relax. My MOH was causing me trouble with the dress and what not, at the end she ended up telling me the truth of her acting that way--- she didnt had the money to get a dress and regrets what she did. I don't talk to her so much about the wedding stuff bc nobody cares about your wedding like you do. Thats the truth.