I give up...

Christinesmith10

One of my bridesmaids originally said she didn't want to wear the dress I picked out for her and my little sister to wear (I have 4 BMs with alternating dress styles and color.. looked pretty cool, originally) because it was too expensive and she wouldn't wear it again. Since she had been having money issues I said we'd go pick out a different dress. We can't find a dress we can agree on in the color that i needed it to be in, so she ends up finding a dress in a completely different style and color for only 25 bucks less than the original one. I offer to pay the $25 difference if she'll wear the original, then she tells me she looked up wedding etiquette and it says that if the bridesmaid pays for the dress she can choose what dress she buys. Another bridesmaid already bought her dress and loved it, didn't complain, and none of the others complained but this has just screwed everything up and added more stress to something I thought I had checked off my list.My MOH thinks I should give the bridesmaid a chance to back out honorably and I find a replacement... seems stupid to lose a best friend as a bridesmaid over a dress though. I just really wish she would just go with the original plan but she's made it very clear that isn't going to happen.I keep hearing two sides to this dilemma: 1) It's my wedding and she should be honored to be in it, it's about me not her and 2) she's paying for the dress so she has the sayI'm sure this isn't the first time anyone has had this problem, but what do you gals think I should do? My wedding is only 3 weeks away ffs!

mbcdefg

Well, your BM is only half right. If she's paying for and wearing the dress, then she deserves some say into what it looks like (so, in other words, don't just pick something out and say "here's what you're wearing"). But she shouldn't get total free reign over it ... it's your wedding and you should have veto power, and you also have the right to pick the color and length and overall style that you want. Sounds like a compromise is in order, plus it seems like she probably needs more guidance on what you want her to wear. I would first ask her what she's willing to spend (and chip in some money if absolutely necessary). Then find a designer in her price range, pick the fabric/color/legnth you want, and let her pick her own style from there. And if she STILL complains, then it sounds like she's being a pain just for the sake of being a pain. Then you'd be within your rights to say, "I've been really reasonable here. If you'd rather attend as a guest so that you can wear whatever you want, I understand and there will be no hard feelings." Dollars to donuts says she'll suck it up and pick something appropriate. Your MOH is wrong that you should pick a replacement, and you are right that it wouldn't make sense to lose a best friend over a dress she'll wear for a few hours. Talk to this BM and try to reach middle ground with her.

lissa71679

lets face the truth about BM dresses...most of us wont ever wear the dress again. I see 2 optionsif you dont want to lose the friendship and you need her in that dress I guess I would just offer to pay the whole dang thing.  If she turns that down she is just being difficult.I guess the other option is to let her know that is the dress she needs to wear to the wedding and if she refuses maybe she is stepping down

megk8oz

I always read about BMs hating the dresses having the gall to actually call the bride out on it, and it blows my mind every single time. It was always my understanding that if somebody asks you to be in their wedding, and you have the OPTION to say yes or no. And if you say YES, then at that point, it IS about what the bride wants, because you should be understanding at that point that is her day and when its your turn (Or if it was your turn already) you had the chance to do it "your" way so she gets the chance to do it "her" way.Now I'm not saying being a bridezilla where you force your girls to pay for matching mani-pedis that they can't afford is acceptable. Nor is picking a $300 dress (Which, seriously, who is ANYBODY kidding, NOBODY ever wears a BM dress again unless they like cut it cocktail length and dye it some color like black that you can wear everywhere) and making them foot the bill when they can barely afford to keep food on the table is fair either. However, I do believe (And this is what I have applied to my own wedding) that if you keep it in a reasonable price range, you have every right to have the final say on the dress. If they want to suggest things, fine, but in the end, YOU'RE the one stuck with the album in 20 years, YOU have to like it.I've been a BM before, had to wear this hideous orange colored  (I'm not talking "tangerine", I'm talking "mac 'n cheese' orange) floor length gown that didn't flatter me at all.  And my friend was a total nightmare about picking the dresses, and she didn't listen to anybody about anything (A few brave souls tried to step up and say "The dress is NICE ... but maybe you won't be so happy with that color in a few years" ... it did not end well for them). She kept saying "Its MY day, this is what I want, and you didn't have to be a BM". Granted, that's not really the greatest attitude to have, but you know what I did? I smiled, said "Well, its your day", and shelled out the  $200 (Including the alterations-the entire bodice needed to be ripped open and reconstructed, as the bride had ALSO insisted I order the dress 3 sizes too big because that's what her Aunt the "expert dress maker" told her I should do) and WORE the damn thing. And not once did I utter a complaint ... to her.It never once occurred to me that I had the right to go tell my friend she had horrible taste and that if she didn't change the dresses I was going to walk.I don't think I have any real advice for you, other than my little rant, lol. But seriously, while kicking your friend out of the BP is bad manners, I personally wouldn't let her be a BM AND wear the dress that doesn't match.  Good luck!

jeannigirl

So let me get this straight you say One of my bridesmaids originally said she didn't want to wear the dress I picked out for her and my little sister to wear.So you picked something out without letting her choose what she liked and felt comfortable with? Did the other girls get to choose what they liked? (I have 4 BMs with alternating dress styles and color.  You seem to be ok with them having different styles and colors but she can't. I'm sorry I'm confused. She is slighty on the wrong in that she has a say so in her dress has long has you've given her optionals to the colors, lenght and the style. If she can't honor that, then she can remove herself from being a BM. It sounds like you went with her to show her what you wanted and she isn't agreeing with any of what you apparently gave her.Sit down face to face one on one and let her know that the dress she had choosen will not fit the color and style with what you have choosen. Your MOH is wrong do not choose anyone to replace her.

Leah&Christian09

If she pays, she should at least get some say in both the style and the price.  It is unbelievably rude to tell someone "here is the dress, it costs X, go buy it."  I would not be happy about spending $100-200 on a dress that I had no imput in choosing.Asking someone to be a BM is an opportunity to honor them and your friendship.  Your wedding is about you, but not to the point where you should use that as an excuse to treat people badly.At this point, the question is which is more important?  Your friendship with this girl or the ability to dominate the BMs?  It would be incredibly hurtful to ask someone to be a second place BM, so if you did kick her out, you would just have the ones you have.  You would ruin your friendship with this girl if you kicked her out.  On the other hand, you could realize that this isn't that big of a deal, apologize for being so demanding in the first place, and asking her to wear the dress she's comfortable in. 

banana468

You do need to work with your BM to find a dress that's within her price range.  The other option is to work with her to find a dress that she likes and pay the difference between her price range and that dress.Ultimately you get veto power on the dress but along with that you are required to keep your BM's taste, budget and comfort in mind.

lissa71679

I personally dont see going with a theme means your dominating your bridesmaids.  I was in my brothers wedding and she picked out the most ugly dress I have ever seen.  It went with her wedding dress and I sucked it up and wore it.  I guess my thought was it was her day and I was not going to be demanding and refuse to wear the dress.  I also know how much money and time goes into a wedding and I think the bride should be happy with the BM dresses.  she is the one who will shell out the big bucks for the photgraphy...I think she should get to pick the BM dressesI think MOST BMs will justt go with the flow...its just too bad she has to rock the boat. 

BeenthereDonethat04

$25 difference is great, but different style and color?   Sounds like she is trying to stand apart from the other ladies...I have worn bm dresses that I didn't care for (but never in that rocking mac-n-cheese color thank goodness!! , but I got over it, we still looked great, it was one day and we had a good time.  For our wedding I told the ladies I was not picking the bm dresses.  I wasn't wearing it or paying for it, so I wasn't picking it.  I gave a date for shopping and I guess the fear of having to wear something they hated enticed all but one bm to show up (she had to work).  My only request was that it was black and I did prefer they wear the same style, but I was willing to negotiate.  Turns out they all found one they really liked, they could all afford, and everyone was happy.

starbuckchic

W o w. Broken record here, but I wore an outfit (not even a dress...we'll leave it at that) that I couldn't even rewear as a Halloween costume, yet didn't say a word to the bride because I knew she loved it. It's a shame when something as fun as dress shopping can degrade into a standoff between friends. Christine, you did not start this. In fact, at every opportunity you have taken the high road with your BM. I agree with the first poster's response, have a face to face chat and nudge your BM to a compromise. In reality you already did that by offering to pay the $25 difference, so this is really her second chance to be reasonable. If she brings up the etiquette point again, I would politely point out that you offered the difference as a gift (don't challenge her ettiquette source but last I checked the bride was in charge and the BM is called a bride's MAID for a reason!). I am not advocating bridezilla, but c'mon people it's the bride and groom's day! If the bride is being reasonable then don't complain and wear the dress! Best of luck and just remember to breathe deep and stay calm. The first poster's line of "you are welcome to attend as a guest to wear what you want" was very gentle and firm. If there are other social factors (ie she knows EVERYONE attending the wedding) just make sure you have some credible witnesses to your calm demeanor as you discuss the dress dilemma. I hate politics, but she doesn't seem to hold anything back so make sure you don't come out as the bad guy just for offering to pay for her dress!

Simply Fated

"alternating dress styles and color." Point out the styles and colors to this bridesmaid. Ask her to pick a dress and go with it. Off to pay the 25 dollar difference. If she refuses, that can be her way of backing out. Tell her she can always sell it on e-bay when she is done with it adn make some of her money back.You have three weeks left.... either give in or put your foot down. It's not worth losing a friend over, but it seems like she is the one who could care less at this point.

Aimee8314

Seriously?  You guys are harsh.  It sounds to me like the OP is doing what she can to work with her bm who sounds like a total pill.  I'm very suprised that most of the posters on this think she's gone outter limits on the budget and that she should let this bm just wear whatever she wants. Um no. There's a theme.  A color scheme.  Of course she should ask input from her bm on dresses - but ultimately it's the brides decision.  And hopefully she kept the budget restraints in mind - it didn't seem to be an issue for anyone but this particular bridesmaid, AND she offered to make up the difference. If you weren't trying to create a theme/color scheme/ambiance, etc. why would you even be on the boards and doing all this planning?  Why not just let them all wear what they want?  Jeans? costumes?  I don't get it. To the OP, I think you're doing what you can - and I agree with the PPs that beyond paying the difference, there's not much else you can do.  If she doesn't take you up on the offer, there is something else going on.  You could maybe say something along the lines of - you mentioned there was an issue with budget, and I've offered to help you out and you refused...this makes me think something else is wrong?  I really value your friendship and I wish we could work it out..." and go from there.  Good luck.

Christinesmith10

Thanks to everyone for the responses, we settled it and she is going to wear a dress that fits in well with the rest of the party, and one that she can wear again (no, really!). I'm not a bridezilla but I am getting to the point where I know now why people elope.. any time you are dealing with people there will be drama, but the outcome of the situation depends on how well you handle it. The BM and I are still best buds and I'm just happy we got everything handled!