BM Help

nikkilynn99

I asked one of my best friends to be a bridesmaid this past June in my wedding in April 2010. She said she would love to and has been helping me figure out a few details since she & I have been planning her wedding over the last 6 months (she was just married this summer).  She sent me a text message this week saying she needed to talk to me about my wedding.  I asked her if everything was alright and she said "no...it's either be in your wedding or buy a house" - all of this through a text message.I completely understand her concern with finances & wanting to buy a house since she's newly married.  She said her new husband is pissed because it's going to cost a few hundred dollars for her to come to the wedding & he has decided not to come with her at all (this was sent to me in a message on facebook)I asked her if I could work out something to make the cost lower, would she agree to consider still coming and being in the wedding.  She said sure.  I have found her a place to stay that will not cost her anything, and I have found 2 different options for her to drive to the wedding instead of flying.  I've also been looking into flights and found a round-trip ticket for $250.I called and let her know what I found out and now it's been a few days since she's gotten back to me.Should I just let it go and see if she ever responds or should I check back with her to see what she's decided.  It will break my heart if she's not in my wedding.  Out  of all the friends coming I want her there the most.

mbcdefg

I'd give her another day or two and then call her back and see what's up. It's possible that she wants to come but her and her husband are fighting over it, so maybe that's why she hasn't called back yet. Sorry. Sounds like a sucky situation.

mikesboo23

If you really want her there you might have to pay everything for her.  It's very possible that she just cannot afford it at all.  I'm sure she really wants to come but she does have to take her husband's concerns into account.  They make financial decisions together and a few hundred dollars is a lot when you're newly married and trying to buy a house.  If my husband chose to spend that much on a friend when we needed it as a couple I would be mad. 

ffmaid

$250 + dress+ random expenses= $500 ish which 1st few months of new house is about $500 more then many 1st time buyers have. Can you afford to buy her a ticket and a dress and get her a place to stay ect. Then maybe but well do not take it as anything but she loves you but is house poor.

duckie1905

Even with the help you've been provided it may still be too much for them to pay.  If you want her there you may have to foot the bill yourself.  $250 is a great for plane tickets but what about getting a car?  How about dress, shoes, gift, any money she's already spent on parties, hair, makeup, jewels?  There are 1,000 things to buy that can bleed BMs dry without the bride even noticing.Give her a few more days to discuss things with her husband.  If you still haven't heard from her by the middle-end of next week then maybe give her a call and discuss what is going on.

bablingbrooke

She's trying to tell you that she can't be in the wedding without actually telling you. Honestly, how easy would it be to tell a very best friend that you can't afford to be in her wedding and that your husband really doesn't want you to go? Not easy at all. I think you need to accept that she won't be able to be a BM.

nikkilynn99

I really am trying to put myself in her shoes.  Her wedding was just this past July and for me to be a BM, it ended up costing me a little over $500.  There were other things that I could have spent that money on, but I knew how important this day was for her, so I spent it.  And I don't regret it at all...I felt special that she would want me to be a BM.  I suppose I'll just wait to hear from her, and if September goes by with no response, then I guess I'll have my answer.

duckie1905

"Her wedding was just this past July and for me to be a BM, it ended up costing me a little over $500. There were other things that I could have spent that money on, but I knew how important this day was for her, so I spent it. And I don't regret it at all...I felt special that she would want me to be a BM." That's great that YOU could do that...but not everyone has an extra $500 to spend. The fact that you could've spent that money on something else is irrelevant. Instead, concentrate on the fact that you had that money to spend at all. Not everyone has that luxury right now.

mikesboo23

As the other girls said, yes it's great that you did that for her but you can't expect her to do the same or think her a bad friend for not doing it. She and her husband decided to buy a house TOGETHER.  She can't just change their plans for something she wants to do.  After you're married if you and your husband decide to put your money into something big that you really want and then he decides to spend it on something HE wants instead how will you feel?  Especially if you already asked him not to and he did it anyway.  Are you really going to be mad at her for thinking about her and her husband's future more than your 1 wedding day?

nikkilynn99

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mikesboo23

Just because they haven't found the house yet doesn't mean they should spend the money on you instead.  As PP said, you had a choice to spend the money or not and you chose to.  If you've ever bought a house then you have to know that when you find the one that's perfect for you, you have to jump on it fast.  If they take that $500 out of their savings to use on you and then find the house of their dreams and come up $500 short for the downpayment how will you feel?  Hopefully you'd feel pretty crappy for being so selfish.And yes $500 short for the downpayment can really hurt you if money is tight anyway.

[Deleted User]

I tend not to post on message boards, but this is ridiculous! If it's coming down to $500, you CANNOT afford to buy a house! What if one of them has an unexpected medical expense? Will they then become one of the couples asking for the government to bail them out? I think she is being selfish and her husband sounds rude and controling. Don't pay for her to come and don't make a big deal out of it (she will probably just b.s. you anyway). Just move on with your plans without her.

rasdreamer34

As some of the other posters have said, being a bridesmaid can be expensive. So what if she came as a guest or the unofficial wedding planner? You would still have her there but it would be quite as much out of her pocket. And I would check back with her.....I know April 2010 is kinda far away but the sooner you get the details down, the better. Just let her know that you would really love for her to be there and you understand but is there anything you could do to help. HTH!!