NEED HELP with difficult bridesmaid!

ashleychow

My fiance and I got engaged this summer and I asked 5 girls to be in my bridal party. One of them happens to be a friend I've known for the past 8 years and happens to be my fiance's best friends girlfriend. Ever since we've gotten engaged we literally haven't seen them. They make plans with us and literally don't show up or cancel the day before, she doesn't answer any of my calls or accept any of my lunch date invites. I texted all my girls to say that I found and purchased my wedding dress and she responded with "good". Recently, she cancelled plans that we had made a month before to have a barbeque at our place due to "illness" and then she invited all the girls (including my MOH) to a girls weekend at her cottage and then posted the pictures on Facebook!?!? Jay and I really have tried to make being part of our party as easy as we can. We bought all their dresses so they didn't have to incur the cost. We're paying for their hair and makeup. We told them that all we want is to be married so we don't need any showers or parties etc... I know it's not all about money, but we've been racking our brains to see if we had offended her in anyway and I just can't think of it. This is supposed to be a happy time to share with people who are genuinely happy for you and I've seriously been so upset about the situation to tears. I need to have her out of my bridal party and don't know how to do it diplomatically (especially because her boyfriend is a groomsmen.) Am I overreacting? What should I do? HELP!

wendyb1999

It sounds to me like you have tried, but that is all you can do. I would dump her. This is your time and you don't need to be wasting your energy on her. I would call her and let her know that if she doesn't call you back then she is out.

lissa71679

I think it will cause MAJOR problems if you kick her out because of her boyfriend.  have you talked to him or has your FI?  Maybe you junt need to have a conversation with her asking if she is mad about something or if she has second thoughts about being in the wedding.  Do you think it has something to do with she wants to be the one getting married?  I wouldnt ignore it I would address the situation right away.

trix1223

There's an important lesson for you here.  You're (understandably) excited about your upcoming wedding.  But it's almost a year away.Here's the lesson you're going to experience over and over and over and over in the coming year.  NO ONE is as excited about your wedding and you and your FI are.At this point, you're in full-on wedding mode.  Your friend, on the other hand, is thinking "Geez, it's a whole year away.  What's the fuss?"In addition, some people just aren't, for lack of a better word, "Wedding people".  You sent your friend a message that you found your dress.  She replied "Good."  What did you want?  "ZOMG!!! SQUEEEEE!! That's SOOOOO amazing!!!!!111!!!!!1!"  Some people just aren't made that way.Chances are good that you'll be focused for most of the coming year on your wedding.  And I get that.  My DD was just married in July.  It was an exciting year.But.....here it comes......your friends and family have lives beyond your wedding.  They are not, should not, center their lives around YOUR wedding.You wrote:  This is supposed to be a happy time to share with people who are genuinely happy for you and I've seriously been so upset about the situation to tears. I need to have her out of my bridal party.Because she isn't attending a BBQ, you're assuming she isn't genuinely happy for you?  Because she didn't scream about you finding a dress you're assuming she isn't genuinely happy for you?  You're in tears because one person didn't attend a BBQ?You have someone to share this exciting time with:  it's your FI.To answer you're questions:  Yes, you are seriously overreacting.  And if you kick her out of your WP, you'll likely completely destroy a friendship over a single day.  Is that really what you want?

[Deleted User]

Trix pretty much hot everything I was going to say. Except I have been the single friend or friend who wished she was getting married as well and it sucks. She could be a little jealous, even if she is happy for you. I agree you are overreacting. I often take things personally which in truth have nothing to do with me. So relax, have a girls night and talk about your friends and their lives not just your wedding. GL.

banana468

I agree with the two people that you need to give it some time.  Some people are just not wedding people.  The other possibility is that she IS a wedding person and she wants it to be HER wedding.  I'll admit, there was a small twinge of jealousy I felt when friends of ours got engaged when they were dating for almost a year less than DH and I were at the time.  I was really happy for them but I started to feel like I needed 'my' turn.  It wasn't my finest moment trust me.In the meantime, relax a bit about wedding mode and focus on her.  Wait a few weeks and then call her and ask her out to see how she's doing.  Make the conversation about her and hopefully things will ease back into a sense of normalcy.

ashleychow

Thanks so much to everyone for their advice! I really appreciate all your suggestions. I think it's important to mention is that, my disappointment is not in her lack of enthusiasm to our wedding, it's her lack of interest in our friendship. We literally used to see each other EVERY weekend as we're the only friends that live in the downtown area and literally since we've gotten engaged at the end of MAY we haven't seen them except once at a wedding on the 26th of JULY. I leave this weekend for my first year at school abroad and haven't seen or spoken to her all summer. Jay and I really aren't that self-centered to absorb everyone's conversation about our wedding, however, I understand that a lot of girls are like that so I definitely can't blame you for thinking that of me. Texting her about my dress was 1) because i was excited, yes, but 2) to strike up some sort of conversation. It's not that she didn't attend our barbeque.. it's that she's not answering my emails, calls, texts, invites so we thought we could rectify the issue by making plans with her a month before hand and "*cough cough* I'm sick." the day of, but she had actually planned a girls weekend at her cottage. Jay's thinking that she's (much like some of you have mentioned) a bit upset that her and mark who have been together for 7 years aren't engaged yet , bur Jay and I who have been together for 1 year are. And he's upset because he "needs to be sure before he makes that kind of commitment" and is feeling the pressure. The problem is I'm looking at this girl I've known for so long and questioning the integreity of our friendship and the integrity of her character. That's not good.... Perhaps you guys still agree with Trixx so I'll definitely take your advice and give it another few tries over the next two months and see what happens.

banana468

If the deal is that she wants to be engaged, know that her anger is directed at you because it's easy to do so.Unfortunately, that's the way that things happen sometimes.   Often the person receiving the brunt of the anger is not the person who caused it.  In the meantime, just do what you can to be a good friend to her.

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

I agree with what Trix and NCV said. I also can relate in that it was hard for me to see a then-acquaintance (but now friend) get engaged after only knowing her guy for a year while Fi and I had been together for so much longer. I put on a smile and said congrats, but like Banana I'm sure I didn't do great at it. It was hard. Even knowing we were ring shopping and that it was going to happen. Lastly, I know its hard and I know its making you question your friendship but you need to take a step back. My BFF is engaged as well and her reaction when I told her I bought my dress was "good" as well. It bugged me at first but then I got over it. Because I remembered all the things that Trix said in her post. She's a long time friend, but no matter how much she loves me, she is never going to care as much or be as personally invested in this wedding as Fi and I are.

trollydolly

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time with a bridesmaid (I am too at the moment, but obviously thats another story) and it can really, really stress you more than any other possible wedding fiasco.... What I want to know is whats the deal with her boyfriend (the groomsman)? Is he also ignoring your FI? Perhaps you could ask FI to do some digging to see whats going on with her and break the ice.... I don't doubt that she could be jealous in some way as this seems to be a common occurence with "naughty bridesmaids".... My advice to you is to exhaust all possible avenues of confrontation...including somehow getting a hold of her and finally just asking "WHATS THE DEAL!"-before you ask her to leave. Even if she completely offended you by telling you why shes been ignoring you at least you will know (which is almost the worst part...) You will feel ten million times better and then you can move on from there. It would be incredibly awkward to remove her as a bridesmaid and keep her boyfriend as a groomsman.

THEREALISHA

Hello, I just want to say that you are obviously a very nice person because you care more about her feelings than she does yours. I understand the politics of kicking her out of the bridal party so try talking to her one last time, if that doesnt work send her a text just to ask whats going on. She has already taken herself out of the bridal party. It's better you know now instead of a week before the wedding

Julia O'Brien

"Here's the lesson you're going to experience over and over and over and over in the coming year. NO ONE is as excited about your wedding and you and your FI are."Definitely experiencing this.. I was getting depressed b/c whenever wedding came up in conversations, Bridal Party's eyes would basically glaze over, and the subject was chaged pretty quickly...until recently.. as we get closer, everyone is showing alot more interest and excitement.I would agree that it's jealousy... but she has to get over that, nothing in the world you can do to change that one..As for the friendship issue... the best friends I have are the ones that I can go a few months without talking to, and when we talk again, it's as if nothing has ever changed, and no one cares that we didn't talk for a while.. it's awesome. Perhaps your BM just needs some friend space. Unless you did something purposeful to hurt her (which I can tell you're just not the type) then her issue has nothing to do with you.. I'm sure. She's probably dealing with some demons right now... Not engaged yet, maybe facing the reality that her and her BF may never be engaged... I hope for both of your sakes that she gets over herself. It's always interesting to me how people can be so selfish. I love to celebrate other people's happiness. I just don't get why anyone would want to crush someone else's happiness... it's a bit morbid if you ask me. I've had the jealousy bug many a time.. but you've got to know how to seperate yourself from it.. When my friend got married before my now FI had even asked me, it brought up some uneasy feelings sure, but I was still involved in her wedding and over-the-moon to see her so happy.. It was fun! It was about them, not us...

sdarjean

SO NOT FAIR TO YOU!!! In my opinion, she has to go. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to be in the wedding. Single ladies have trouble being bridesmaides because they are not the bride. But that's not right! Her lack of response and evasiveness is not called for. Release her of her obligation to be in the wedding and find someone who shares in your joy. Do you really want a bitter person standing at the alter with you and your fiance? I really think she should be booted out of the wedding.

mbcdefg

Single ladies have trouble being bridesmaides because they are not the bride.*bangs head against wall*You sound like a real peach.

mbcdefg

AAAAANNNNDDD I just looked and saw that you only have two posts, both of which say that people should boot BMs in favor of people more willing to fawn all over them. Forget it. Teaches me to respond to a troll before looking at her post count.

ashleychow

Hi everyone! Thanks again for all your comments. I can't say enough how helpful this has been for me! Trolly Dolly ased about my fiance and the groomsman's friendship. I read your post to Jay to get his answer for me to reply back and it simply was "I didn't expect any better from him." Jay unfortunately, knew that Mark wasn't going to be the most thrilled about us getting engaged so Jay expected him to be standoff-ish. To those of you who suggested I give her more time, I definitely am going to. Before I leave for school, Jay and I are planning to stop in on them to drop off her past birthday present and just so I can say bye before I leave for another school year. At which I'm hoping to talk to her about the situation or at least gauge the tension level.... To mbcdefg, thanks so much for your first comment and I hope I didn't upset you somehow with respect to your second comment. I actually found that most replies to my post were telling me how I may not be being fair to her. I hope that clarifies any mix up! Ashley

mbcdefg

To mbcdefg, thanks so much for your first comment and I hope I didn't upset you somehow with respect to your second comment.Sorry for the confusion ... I wasn't referring to you. I was referring to the poster immediately before me who said you should boot her.