Curious

VAtoCO

I'm curious about something.  In many of the posts that ask about "firing" or "un-asking" a bridesmaid, the response often includes something along the lines of "are you willing for this to be the end of our friendship?".  What I'm curious about is, do you think the reverse applies?If someone has agreed to be in your wedding, and then backs out, should they be prepared to deal with the fact that this could cause an end to the friendship?

trix1223

Depends on the reason for backing out.  Backing out because you've hit financial difficulties after losing a job?  Perfectly understandable.Backing out because you've just started a new job and can't take time off without jeopardizing your future?  Perfectly understandable.Backing out because you're experiencing health problems and aren't up to being in a WP?  Perfectly understandable.Backing out because you're in school and the professor has scheduled a major exam the day the day after the wedding so you can't travel?  Perfectly understandable.Backing out because you really, really, really want to go to the shore that weekend?  Not understandable.There's a big difference between having to regretfully back out of a WP and having someone "fire" you because you weren't excited enough, or wouldn't help make favors, or cut your hair or gained weight.

aerinpegadrak

I think it depends on how they did it.  If something came up, and there just wasn't any way they were going to be able to do it, then no harm done.  But if they did it really flippantly, or if they didn't want to do it at all and didn't bother to tell me, and then blew me off at the last minute, then I'd probably be pretty pissed.

Leah&Christian09

I agree with it depends. One of H's GM dropped out by completely blowing him of and refusing to respond to his calls/texts/emails. Yeah, that was friendship ending. Not that H has been able to reach that guy in the 3 months since we've been married. On the other hand, if someone had dropped out saying they had a schedule problem or couldn't afford it, I wouldn't have been mad or wanted to discontinue the relationship. I can't speak for everyone, but I think that if the person had a reasonable reason to drop out, and they did it tactfully, a non-insane couple wouldn't hold a grudge.

bablingbrooke

One of my BMs had to back out and it didn't end our friendship. Our wedding was in July and three months after I asked her she found out her husband was coming home from Iraq during July but they wouldn't know exactly when until June. Rather than back out at the last minute, she said she'd rather bow out back in December so as not to create problems for me (not that it would have, she was being sensitive). I think it's totally legit to want to see your husband and not feel guilty about missing a friend's wedding over it. If a friend backs out, you have to look at why. There's no one-size-fits-all. Kicking someone out of your wedding for anything less than something that would have ended the friendship anyway never, ever looks good for the bride. That's not necessarily true for the friend who backs out. It could be for a totally legit reason like my friend, or it could be that a bad friend is showing her true colors. The BM may not have the money/time/has lost her job/has to move to India for work/etc. But what's the bride's excuse? So-and-so never threw a shower/got pregnant/stopped returning phone calls immediately/cut her hair. Big difference, no?

banana468

Ditto PPs.  It truly depends on each individual circumstance. 

Simply Fated

I agree that it definitely depends on the situation. On this board I've seen perfectly legit reasons... financial reasons, change in college plans, college finals, even women concerned with going into labor during the week of the wedding.If the reason is something like, they just didn't feel like being in the bridal party, well, then that friendship wasn't really worth saving, anyway.

swim1011

Ditto Trix, and the other PPs.  There's only one situation I've personally seen so far that I would consider to be friendship ending.  My bff got married last month, and one of the GM (who was undependable and a douchetwat to begin with) called them up a month before the wedding and said he may not make it because "the wedding is right in the middle of my two week vacation at the shore".  Needless to say, this upset my bff and her now DH.  I don't believe they've talked to him since the wedding, which he managed to make it to.

stoutcrowley

I had a BM back out because she got into a fight with another BM, then asked that we not ask her husband to be in the WP because if she wasn't in it, then neither could he...  We still talk, but it is a strained relationship now and I rarely see her... So sad, we were so close...

katie.e.gilliam

Definitely...for my upcoming wedding I asked one of my closest friends from childhood to be in my wedding. She was very excited, especially considering I was in her wedding. All of a sudden she disappeared off the face of the planet. Every time I would send out emails to my girls about little get togethers or information about the dresses she would never respond. She never called or returned my calls. It was quite strange. So I just considered her unofficially not included in the wedding. She has yet to contact me. I know that she's ok because of facebook and such. But I don't think I could ever be friends with her again. It would be one thing if there had been an argument or something.If they choose to not communicate with you and don't have a good reason for not standing up in your wedding, then that is just awful. Girls can be so selfish when it comes to your big day.Hopefully she does have a good excuse in your case. Best of luck!*Katie*

bablingbrooke

katie, please please PLEASE take your real name out of your siggy and consider changing your sn. Bad things have happened to people here who have revealed too much personal info, including their names.

mbcdefg

I wouldn't be mad if she had to drop out for a good reason - money, family issues, work or school, health, something like that. I think I'd be mad and would probably view the friendship differently if she just flaked out and dropped out for no good reason, or like a PP said to go to the beach or a concert that day. Or if she forgot about the wedding and never asked for time off work, or just didn't budget her money accordingly to get the dress (unless she had sincere money problems, in which case I'd help her out). I think I'd also be mad if she had a fight with another WP member and dropped out because she was too immature to act civilly to them that day. But on the other hand, if someone's flaky enough to drop out of my wedding for no good reason, then she was probably flaky to begin with and it didn't just start when the ring went on my finger. So in that case, I couldn't really have expected any better from her.