the good BM charter?

MzelleRicaine

Hey ladies,So I already have my bp and I'm really thrilled to have these wonderful women accompanying me through the wedding and planning process. However I really want to communicate a maximum with them, and 1 girl in particular has never been a BM before and I suspect isn't at all aware of the duties being a BM entail. I'm a firm believer that good communication = happy campers everywhere, and so I'd like to create some sort of "charter" for my girls... but I'm really afraid of coming off as cheeky or b*tchy. Do you all have any ideas on how I can go about communicating my desires for them as BM?TIA!*m*

PinkElephantsOnParade

What are their duties exactly?

banana468

Please don't actually expect them to do anything other than buy a dress and show up.  The other stuff is on them.What you can do is send them a group email if you're planning a BM dress shopping day.  Before you do that though, ask each of them privately how much they're willing to spend so that you don't find yourself looking at dresses that are out of budget.Beyond that, you can send them timelines of events as you get closer to the wedding but keep the expectations low.  BMs will do things because they'll want to.

trix1223

There isn't any way you can send out a "charter" and NOT come off as cheeky or b!tchy. Your "desires" for them as BMs is: get the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully for the ceremony, smile for pictures. That's it. There are NO other duties. I'm not sure what else you think they must do to be in your WP.

MzelleRicaine

ok apparently the word "charter" has hit a nerve amongst some of you. Regarding the things I'm hoping from them, just off the top of my head:*responding to wedding-related emails. When I write them about things I'm really excited about and get 1 response back, I feel like poo.*ordering dresses on-time, making sure they look good *being there physically, emotionally, etc to help me get things done and host the party.My understanding of being a BM is that you're there to help the big day go off without a hitch. I don't know why you chose your BM and I don't know who you've got to help you in your planning. I didn't pick them because they're pretty (even though they are), I picked them because they've had my back at important times and I want them there by my side. I feel like it's only fair to communicate that, and if I say squat I'm going to end up being resentful. Unless I do say my piece and they say "M, I love you, but I can't do all of that." At which point I'll be fine. Communication. It helps.I also wanted to include something about how if they decide they're not up to it, that's ok, just to let me know. I live in Europe, and the wedding is here, and I know that's an extra amount of commitment, and that it's possible they won't be able to do it (which I'm particularly concerned about regarding the girl w/o BM experience, because I don't think the fact that she'll be flying from Chicago to France has sunk in yet). *m*

MzelleRicaine

(and we're quite literally spread all over the world, 3 continents and around 5 different timezones. I'd really love for all of us to go dress shopping together, but I just don't think that's viable. Which is why I started writing emails/a BM blog, which hasn't gotten much response so far. We have already talked budget. That part I did get a good amount of response to, so I know what kind of dresses we can look at.)

clseale13

You can't really do this without seeming a little nutty. It's ok if you're a little bummed if they're not as involved as you'd like them to be...but you can't hold that against them. Their only real part in this that's required is the dress. I think that yeah...they should let you talk and be excited (as long as you don't talk about it to death) as the plans progress...but it should be to a minimum. YOu can bounce ideas off of them, but don't be put out if their reactions aren't all you were hoping for them to be. I try to keep my girls involved, but their responses and reactions are totally up to them. When we picked a venue and set a date I sent out a general email. The email included pictures of the venue and I got the standard "it's so beautiful, I'm so excited for you" etc. That was fine. When I finally picked my dress I sent an email showing it to them b/c I knew they were curious...and I got a similar response like the first email. It's short, sweet, supportive and to the point. It was the same case when we picked BM dresses. MY 2 MOH's are a bit more involved b/c I talk to them more on a daily basis. They will ask about some things and if they knew I had a vendor appointment they would ask about it at a later time when we were already talking for some other reason. They will care and be excited for you but it won't consume their lives like it will yours. It's ok to hope that they'll be a certain way...but don't demand it. Keep you expectations low and to a minimum and you'll greatly lessen your chance of disappointment ot alienating your friends.

bablingbrooke

Since you aren't getting married for almost a year, the reason they aren't responding all excited is because it's an event that's almost a YEAR away. Expecting them to fall over themselves with excitement for a year is totally unrealistic. And wedding-related emails at this point, I suspect, are about what dresses you are looking at for yourself, what wine for the reception, the wedding colors...little minutiae few people care about and even fewer get excited about hearing. Be realistic. You are not the center of attention for an entire year. They have lives and are not obligated to fall over themselves with excitement at this point. Telling BMs their "duties" and playing wedding police with them for not being excited enough is a surefire way to either 1) have BMs drop out, 2) get disappointed if they still don't live up to your (unrealistic) expectaitons, and 3) come across as completely and utterly bridezilla. If you're okay with all three things happening, by all means go for it. But when you come back here crying that your BMs are not helping, are threatening to drop out, and how do you ask a pick-up team close to the wedding, all you will hear is "I told you so".

mbcdefg

Sending out anything that lists their "duties" is going to make you come across as _bitchy, demanding, pretentious and self-centered to your friends. So for your own sake, PLEASE do not do this. You say you picked these girls because they are your dearest friends. Fantastic! And that also means that, if they've always been there for you in the past, they will likely be there in the future for you, too. So you don't need to spell out what you expect from them ... if they're the types of people who will volunteer to help you with stuff, then they'll likely keep doing it now. But please realize that, if you send them letters where you say that you expect them to do certain things for you, that has a VERY good chance of backfiring on you ... that'll likely make them quite mad and more reluctant to help you. Your wedding isn't until 2011. There is NOTHING for your bridesmaids to do, or even to get really excited about, right now, so you shouldn't feel like they don't care about you if they don't respond gleefully to your e-mails. My wedding is in about 7 months and neither of my BMs have gotten very excited about it yet. They've been kind and sweet, and they've said, "Let me know if I can do something for you," and that's it. They don't call or e-mail me every few days re-offering to help or asking me how it's going. Because there's no need for that at this point in the game. It's very hard to get excited over someone else's party. When you're about a month or two away, I'll bet that they will be more enthuastiastic. All BMs are required to do is get the dress and stand up in the wedding. That's all that's REQUIRED from her. Will a good friend likely do more for you? Most likely. But she does it because she WANTS to, not because of some bogus duty that a magazine spells out for her. And if she can't help out due to time or money or personal obligations, don't hold that against her. Also, for your own sanity, I would lower your expectations. Most married girls here will tell you that, in the wedding planning process, there will almost always be someone who will let you down. Maybe a bridesmaid, a groomsman, a relative or a vendor. And the higher your expectations of that person, the more pissed off you will be when they don't fulfill them. So, if you go into this just expecting your BMs to get their dresses on time and show up to the wedding, you will likely not be disappointed. And you will be THRILLED if they offer to do more. Whereas, if you expect the world from them, you will likely end up being mad. Even if they do a lot of nice things for you, because you will have expected them to do a TON of nice things. Know what I mean?

ffmaid

Honestly any charter is a move that is so bvridezilla They are your friends their only job is to get a dress and show up. Anything ANYTHING else is a gracious gift to you that you should be appreciative of. Stop looking at what they can do for you and instead forcus on continuing to be a good friend to them and you and they will be a lot happier

ffmaid

The only peopel that have to plan you wedding are you and FI. I always find it so so sexist that brides expect bm to help plan the wredding but rarely expect that from their fi's and almost never from the GM. You are years away nobody cares yet since it is years and years away. Seriously there is a good chance with a wedding in 2011 another bm or friend will meet a guy, get emgaged , and be married before your wedding that is YEARS away. Ideally you would not have even asked bm yet but you can not unask now.

mbcdefg

Also, remember that setting expectations of a "good bridesmaid" is going to both hurt and insult the people who can't live up to those expectations. Implying that someone is a "bad bridesmaid" if she can't do exactly what you want is a really poor way to treat your friends. You said your BMs live all over the world. So PLEASE understand that you've got the barriers of distance, money and time zones between you, which is going to make any expectations you have of them even harder for them to fulfill. Which is going to lead to a lot of hurt feelings all around. You're correct that communication is important ... but that doesn't really entail you sending out a list of tasks and duties to them. I really don't mean this in a mean way, hon, but your wedding isn't THAT important that you get to send out a list of duties to anyone (besides a paid vendor). The only good thing about sending your BMs a list of expectations, if you insist on doing it (and I urge you to reconsider) is that they'll know in advance that you expect certain things from them and they can bow out of your wedding if they feel like you're asking too much. If I got a message like this from a friend, honestly I would rethink our friendship.

bablingbrooke

A few weeks ago some of us concluded that not asking things of our WP throughout planning made them want to help more when we actually needed help. Keep in mind that just as in the rest of your life, treating people like unpaid staff rarely ends well. Much worse can happen than a BM who "shirks" her duties. Other ladies here can back me up in saying that I had probably the world's worst MOH; not planning or attending parties was the least of my problems. Our wedding was still perfect and I would not have cjhanged a thing. Keep in mind what really matters.

jeannigirl

Wow you selected your BP 2 full years ahead of time? I hope that you won't regret that decision. I know alot of brides seem to think that their is this list of duties & responsibilities that a MOH/BM are supposed to be doing. You are not hiring them to do a job, you selected them to how important they are in your life. I am sure that you got your information from wedding sources like bridal mags and websites. Trash all that nonsense. Your WP is only responsibility is to pay for their attire and show up on your wedding day. Everything else is by their choosing , like helping you our with DIY projects or hosting BS or BP. Noone plans and excutes your wedding but you and FI. Noone wants to hear or read emails for the next two years. Noone will be has excited for your wedding has you. Please rethink this and listen to the advice that you have asked for.

aerinpegadrak

If I got a list of things I was expected to do as a bridesmaid two years before the wedding in question, I would probably back out, for fear that the bride was crazy and would only get worse as things got closer.I'll admit, I picked my girls pretty early on and sent out a fairly long e-mail filling them in on the details we had to date.  I was a little disappointed when I didn't get a response, but I realized that we're a long way out and they don't really need to be worrying about these things yet.  It was also a bit embarrassing when we had to change our plans completely.Others have already spoken who are far wiser than me, but anything that your girls want to do for you above getting the dress and showing up is a lovely bonus.  And I second the person who says that they'll be far more willing to help if you don't make them feel obligated to do so, because it feels like a good deed instead of a chore.

duckie1905

I sent 3 emails and that was it.  Somehow every managed to buy their dresses and show up the day of the wedding without me sending out a contract, charter, or list of duties.Your only "desire" for them should be 1. buy dress and 2. show up.  I'm not really sure what else you realistically expect from them.  Anything else (offers of assistance, shower, bach party) are all extras and not requirements.What you are suggesting is going to make you look like a psycho bridezilla.  Don't do it.

elizabethspearl

Oh dear. No, no, no. This is not the way to keep your wonderful friendships intact. There are no duties to speak of when it comes to your wedding party except showing up on the day in the attire you agreed upon.What is it about weddings increases a bride's sense of entitlement? With a week to go from my wedding, I can say that there were many times when I silently had to "check myself" to make sure that I was staying grounded. The ring on your finger does not give you any power over your friends or anyone else for that matter.As long as you and your FI are excited for you day, that is all you need. Your bridesmaids are not to be expected to fawn all over you and every wedding decision you make. As they say, "you create your own happiness." You can't rely on anyone else for that.

MzelleRicaine

It's funny to think that I asked this question after reading not wedding mags, but posts on forums like this one about brides being majorly bummed out with flakey BMs and I thought "hum. what's a productive way to avoid this?" For the advice that was put in a positive light, thank you. I will indeed re-think these duties. I think you're right that chores aren't fun and should be avoided. However, after checking in with my BMs, they all agree that being straightforward is the way to go.To the negative nancies, you can keep your sarcasm, and judgement, thanks. M

duckie1905

Seriously?  No one was even mean.  Would you prefer if someone said "please" first before telling you that your idea was very bridezilla-ish?Besides, plenty of sarcasam to go around.  No need to keep it to ourselves.

bablingbrooke

Food for thought: if 15 brides think something is a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea. No matter how they phrase it.

aerinpegadrak

Thanks for letting me keep my sarcasm. I'd be terribly sad if I had to give it up.

hmschults

That is a horrible idea, I understand e-mailing friends updates and all of that..but a charter??? a charter??  Straight forward is good..telling them that you expect them to answer every e-mail and be there to fan you via the telophone..very akward..but you do seem bent on doing it and being pissed that we are not encouraging it so sure whatever do it..no sarcasm at all

hmschults

and I really can't believe that you are so worried about the bridesmaid that has never been a bridesmaid...I am sure she will do fine.it really sounds condecending! a charter...

TheFutureMrsM-LoungingBeachside

My bridesmaid "charter" has been discussed with all but not put in writing. It is as follows: - If I am acting like a bridezilla, call me out on it. Even if it is the wedding day. - If I am acting like a brat, please call me out on it. - If I am acting like someone you don't want to be friends with or will need a break from after the wedding, please tell me. I will do everything in my power to stay sane and normal but, God forbid I don't, I am counting on you to tell me that I've lost it and B-slap me back to reality. I'd much rather have that happen, even if it the day of the wedding, than have you all mad at me or burnt out on our friendship.

Liz4444

with regards to your friends and the e-mails, the only e-mails they need to respond to, and it seems like they did, are the ones that involve them.  something such as, have you thought about your dress yet?  are you available to be at x place at x time?  that is something that deserves a response.  if you are updating them everytime you see a flower you like or with every decision you make, which you say you do through e-mail and a blog, that they do not need to respond to.  and honestly, i'm not sure why you would need to send them all of those details.  i have a few bms who have to keep asking me those details because i don't tell them.  why don't i tell them, because i don't think they would be interested in all of that.  when it comes to communication, i speak to most of them regularly.  they are my closest friends, after all, that's why i chose them to be in the wedding party.  if they have been your support system up until now, why on earth wouldn't they be supportive of you leading up to and on the day of your wedding?  i'm one of those people that never understood what "duties" a bridesmaid has.  we bought them their dresses, they have to put on a nice pair of shoes, get their hair and make-up done by people we are providing (and they can do it however they want), walk down the aisle, and attend a fabulous party.  other than that, their only "duty" is to be my friend just as they have before and will be after.  i'm assuming that everyone in your wedding party, as they are in mine, is an adult.  they don't need to be given rules of conduct.

JaimeeP

No, you may not send out a charter! Believe it or not, while you are consumed with planning your wedding, your bridesmaids will be living their own lives. You can't keep them in constant service to you for two years. Their only duties are to be supportive, show up on the big day in the chosen dresses and be happy for you. Two years of non-stop wedding memos and talk will get on everyone's nerves. Try to talk about other things.