Drop out Matron of Honor-Sorry it is long and slightly blubbery!

abrown351

I was told on Monday that my best friend was going to drop out of my wedding.  I guess it may be helpful to note that her daughter, a senior in high school, will be graduating in May.  According to the current school calender, it should be 5 days before the wedding.  But I was told that it made her too nervous to be obligated to me and my wedding and still have to be prepared to handle her daughter's graduation.  She did say however that she did intend on attending the wedding, just not being part of the wedding party.  I am not sure what obligations she would be under regarding the wedding that is so much, that she could not be part of the wedding but still intended on attending.  I feel like there is something else going on, and she is not being totally honest with me.  My problem is if she can show up to my wedding, why can't she stand up with me at it?  Her suggestion to replace her was to make my 14 year old daughter, who is a junior bridesmaid, the maid of honor.  If the pressures of being a matron of honor are too much for her, a grown adult, why does she think it would be a good idea to put those pressures on a 14 year old....I don't know really, I do know it was really painful for her to drop out.  I haven't even been able to speak to her since.  I am afraid that I may not be able to get past this, because I do feel she is not telling me the entire truth, and in my book that is a lie.  What do you all think?  Thanks for listening.Rae

ffmaid

I am sorry. Wait a few days to calm a little and to have her do so as well and then talk to her about her real hestancy. Money, time, worries that thsi is not a good marriage for you, ect Sorry

mbcdefg

Ditto ffmaid ... wait a few days and cool off. Then invite her out for coffee and ask her if something else is bothering her. And say something like, "I don't expect any more from you than to wear the dress and stand up in the wedding, and since you say you plan to attend as a guest anyway it's not like you'd have any additional obligations as MOH. I really want you up there with me since you're my best friend, but ultimately I want you to be happy and to do what's best for you. So if there's something else bugging you, please let me know and we'll work together to fix it."Maybe purchasing the dress is a problem for her - in which case, you could buy it for her as a favor or allow her to wear something else. Or maybe the other BMs are pressuring her to throw you expensive parties or maybe they just don't get along with her. Or maybe she feels guilty that she is MOH and your daughter isn't. Hopefully she will open up to you and tell you her reason. Good luck, I hope it works out.

bablingbrooke

Some parents treat their kids' last year of high school as a very sad time because the little darling is leaving the nest. Can't say I relate to that since my mom cheerfully sneaked things into my moving van when I moved out, but I digress... Anyway, even if she isn't one of those freakout parents, she may have family coming in for the graduation, parties to throw, relatives to entertain/host, etc. It can be like a mini-wedding in terms of logistics. So I can honestly see why she would say that standing up in a wedding around the same time might be too much to handle, but attending it as a guest is more of a break. She may not feel like she has 1-2 FULL days to give you, but can swing a half-day for the wedding. I wouldn't hold it against you. For her, THIS is the bigger deal than your wedding. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, doesn't support you, or even that she doesn't WANT to be in the wedding. She's being realistic and, really, fair to you by saying NOW that "I can't do any more" rather than figuring it out much closer to the wedding. You say you have a 14 year old daughter. Make her MOH. She doesn't have to do anything. And you'd be imparting a very valuable lesson about form vs. substance in a wedding--the FORM (MOH doing the "traditional" duties) is much less important than the SUBSTANCE (you marrying your FI as the be-all and end-all of a wedding). You'd also be teaching her how to roll w/ the punches in life, that life happens, and that even if plans go awry, you can still make everything work out for the best.

bablingbrooke

*I wouldn't hold it against her.

duckie1905

It sounds like she may be putting more stress on herself than she needs to.  Maybe anticipates things being busy leading up to graduation and she has decided that she doesn't have time to do all the things for you (shower, bach party, etc) that she feels she has to.I'd let things chill for a few days and then give her a call.  Reiterate that you expect nothing from her but to get a dress and show up.  If she still says no I might press her a bit more and try to find out if there is something additional going on but at that point, I'd accept that she isn't going to be in your wedding.  If that's the case, respect her wishes and move on.

banana468

Maybe she's thinking that 'senior year' and wedding planning will be too stressful for her to do both?I'd also wait a week and then I'd talk to her.  Let her know that if she wants to just be a guest you'll definitely respect that however your expectations of her as a bride involve the one day only.  Perhaps if you let her know that you're not wanting tons of pre-wedding parties or help, she'll come around.  If she doesn't, understand that she's making the best choice she can for her own stress level and sanity.

abrown351

Thanks to everyone who responded.  I am not asking for any help with the planning or wanting or expecting any pre-wedding parties that I am not hosting myself, i.e. the rehearsal dinner.  All I want is for her to show up the evening of my wedding and stand up with me and to sign my ketubah.  I didn't know that was too much to ask, and since she says she still wants to be at the wedding it makes no sense to me.  As for me having a 14 year old as a junior bridesmaid, she is MY daughter, and the other 3 daughters, both his and mine are junior bridesmaids, I have absolutely desire to hurt the other girls' feelings by saying just because one of them is 14 that she is better than the others.  All of the daughters are sharing the honor of being junior bridesmaids together as sisters.  I do not believe that is insulting.  I believe I am being fair, and balanced with all the girls. 

Liz4444

abrown, the person who signs your ketubah doesn't have to be someone who is "in" your wedding, it can be anyone you choose.  (usually as long as they are not related to you) I know a few people who signed ketubahs at weddings where they were not in the bridal party.  so she could still do this for you.