Help with MIL request regarding bridal party

Noelle1230

It's a strange situation, but my FI is very close to his ex-brother-in-law.  He has no brothers and has never been close to his sister.  His sister and BIL were together for about 15 years and the family had adopted him as their own since his parents are both deceased.  Now they've been divorced for about two years but my FI's bond with BIL hasn't changed.Now he's asked his BIL to be in our bridal party.  Being that he's not close to his sis and I have a solid group of BM's, he didn't think to have her as one.  His normally easy going parents are threatening not to come if BIL is in and sister is not.  What to do??

mbcdefg

Two schools of thought here:(a) Family members are not owed a spot in the wedding. You and FI are entitled to pick your closest friends. If FI doesn't want his sister in the wedding then you don't have to give in to the in-laws. They are likely bluffing (and if not, screw them, because if you give in to their immaturity now then you'll be doing it for the rest of their lives). And even if your FI's parents are upset that the sister isn't in it, that doesn't necessarily mean that the sister wants to be in it herself. (b) All a bridesmaid needs to do is get a dress and hold some flowers and be in the formal photos. You don't have to be her buddy or attach yourself at the hip to her. These people will be your family soon, so sometimes a small concession for a one-day event is worth it, if it'll keep the peace for a lifetime. Some families can and will hold a lifetime grudge over something this stupid. I think FI should talk to his sister in private and see if SHE wants to be involved. If not, then you're off the hook ... FI can just say to his parents, "We talked to Sis and she says she'd be more comfortable as a guest, so we're going to respect her wishes."If Sis wants to be in the wedding, talk to FI and decide how to handle it ... whether that's asking her to be a bridesmaid, a groomswoman (she can wear a black dress and stand on his side), a reader, a singer, or if you want to stand by your original plans and let her just be a guest. It's your call in the end. My opinion ... if Sis is an O.K. person and she's not mean to you, it might be worth it to just have her as a bridesmaid and shut the in-laws up.

duckie1905

Wait, he asked his sister's ex-husband to be the WP?I actually think that's kind of crappy.  He may not be close with his sister but does he hate her?Anyway, I don't believe that family automatically should be included in the WP.  You should be able to choose whomever you want.While he technically can/should choose whomever he likes I think that's sort of being a jerky brother.

duckie1905

Actually, I guess my opinion will change if I find out the sister still is okay with her ex.  Does she even want to be in the WP?

lissa71679

I dont think his family should tell you who you should or should not have as a BM.  If you arent close to her you dont owe her anything.  its his battle with his parents.  Let her be on his side or be an usher. 

leahlu

I think if you give into his family's tantrum on this then they are likely to make other unreasonable demands. They don't get a say in who is in your wedding party. Put your foot down now.

jeannigirl

Let him deal with that its his family drama. I however would not have my FI's sis be in my wedding. I like her but don't know her real well and we are not close. If FI told me that I should have her has part of my WP then I would tell him that I want my sons to be GM.See how that sounds. I agree that just because his sis and BIL are divorced should not mean that he can't have him in his WP. His parents are totally being ridicilous and threatening of not attending because he chooses his BIL.

banana468

I can see both sides here.  If sis is not a drama queen then it may just be worth it to ask her to be in the BP.If she's more trouble than she's worth, you (really your FI) can call his parents on their bluff.

Noelle1230

Thanks for all the great responses.  Just to clarify, FI's ex-brother-in-law had become part of the family when FI was a teen.  Neither had a brother so they became like brothers.  The divorce happened a few years ago which was about 20 years later.  FI's sister never treated him that well and they were never close.  It's a sticky situation but she kind of has to reap what she's sown as far as FI not feeling complelled to put in her in the BP.The parents are generally very hands off and never place demands.  I feel they don't really want their daughter in the BP, they just want the ex out.  It makes me mad because the sister was responsible for breaking up the marriage.  She kind of threw him away.  Let me also mention that both of them are now in serious relationships and living with their new mates.  I'm not really even sure why FI's parents have so much resentment.....

ffmaid

Let Fi decide this is his family. If he wants sis can be n huis side. If he wants you to have her on your side you should sincerly consider it but this is Fi's choice to make