Maid of Honor?

cnderella83

My best friend from collage is my maid of honor. I do not have any sisters and always say she is the sister i never had. I can't say enough about how close we were in college and how much we mean to each other... as friends. haha. So I got engaged 18 mnths ago and our wedding is in 3 weeks! yea! My MOH has been nothing but difficult in the past 18 months. I'm not sure what is going on. She lives 1,000 miles away and She didn't want to throw a bridal shower. So it happened without her. She never even sent a gift or even a card. The night of the bacheleroette party she only contact the bridal party to attend and did not invite the other people i asked her to invite. At dinner she sqwuaked about the bill and then didn't drink or socialize with anyone which made the evening uncomfortable for all. INstead she was on the ohone with her bf. In the 8 years we have been friends she has come to visit me once. I have been to her hometown a dozen times and her new home 5 times. Her exscuse is that I make more money. Which hnestly I think she makes more. The reason she doesn't know anyone is because she has never been to meet them. Also while I was driving her back to the airport she told me that she understanmds about jersey people now and thinks i'm turning into one of them?! what!!!!!?!!!! Not sure what is going on with her. I love her to death but this is really bothering me...

bablingbrooke

If she's never visited you in 8 years and you're only still in touch b/c you visit her, the friendship seems a tad one-sided. Having said that, it's hard to throw a shower from 1,000 mi away. Maybe she could only afford to invite the BP to the bach party (that's all who came to mine). It sounds like she doesn't make much money and feels strained. I have a LOT of sympathy for ppl in weddings for whom money is very tight. Even if you have evidence she's spending money on other things, you don't have "dibs" on her money. None of my BMs could go to my shower because they were all OOT and took vacation time to throw my bach party. None of them sent a gift or card; they'd spent a bundle on the bach party. Don't hold things against her. I see this pattern of it being difficult for her to travel or throw parties. I don't see it being malicious "I don't want to do these things for her." I do see some frustration from her coming through: "Doesn't this girl get it that I don't have the money for these things?" You have three weeks to go. Rather than focus on the shortcomings and things that didn't meet your expectations (which, frankly, should probably be realigned), focus on the good that people do and the things that you are thankful for. That's also a good way to go through life.

cnderella83

there were 5 of us total at the bach. and the girls told me they were splitting the bill between the 4 of them and treating me:)

mbcdefg

You say she's only visited you once in 8 years. So I'm getting the feeling that she was always the type of person who never really went out of her way for you, right? So why did you expect her to do that now? If she was always like this, then I don't get why you're "not sure what is going on with her" ... seems to me like it's the same thing that was always going on with her. Rememebr that showers and bachelorettes, and people's attendance to them, are OPTIONAL. They're gifts for you, not something you're owed. And if she lives a thousand miles away, not only would it have been a pain for her to organize it from that far, but it's EXPENSIVE to fly in for all these pre-wedding events. At least she came in for your bachelorette. And be a bit sympathetic here ... while she COULD have opened up a bit more to people at the party, it's understandable that she might not have wanted to if she didn't know anyone. I'm from New Jersey, too, and just from reading these boards I can tell you that we think a LOT differently about showers and bachelorettes, and weddings in general, than people in other parts of the country do. A lot of pre-wedding parties in our area consist of nights out in a limo, fancy dinners, and events where bridesmaids may be putting up $100-400 of their own money, each, to fund these events. Whereas girls on this board from other areas will likely tell you that they've hosted lovely showers and bachelorettes for $100 total amongst all participants. So my guess is that this is what your friend might mean by the "Jersey people" line. She may not have meant it as a direct insult ... honestly, I can see why people in other parts of the country think we go overboard on things. Because we DO go overboard when you really think about it. Doesn't make us bad people, it's just us being used to a different way of doing things.

LarissaAnn

"In the 8 years we have been friends she has come to visit me once. I have been to her hometown a dozen times and her new home 5 times. Her exscuse is that I make more money. Which hnestly I think she makes more. The reason she doesn't know anyone is because she has never been to meet them." And yet she's your best friend and your maid of honor? Why?!

cnderella83

That sounds horrible of me. No, I don't want people to spend tons of $ on me. But the fact is that she was originally throwing me a shower then changes her mind when the other bm's offered to help foot the bill. she said then they could just do the whole thing. and two days after my shower she went to germany with her boyfriend for 2 weeks. I'm not demanding money or putting tabs on it, but you're the maid of honor and i've gone above and beyond for her over the years. would it have killed her to send a card for my shower? the bach. party was dinner and 2 bars, where we knew the owner so our bill was free. at the bar. i'm not even mentionig how much i've spent on her over the years when i didn't have to.

cnderella83

and her boyfriend is a pilot and she flys for free...

bablingbrooke

Again, you do not have "dibs" on her money. If she wants to go to Germany w/ her BF for two weeks instead of throwing you a shower, frankly, that's her right. A BM or MOH is not conscripted financially for the next year. For any amount of money. You're bitter that over the past 8 years you've gone above and beyond for her and she hasn't done the same for you. I get that. I'd be irked too. But I also dont' get why you suddenly expected that to change.

trix1223

i'm not even mentionig how much i've spent on her over the years when i didn't have to. But presumably you did those things for her because you WANTED to. It was YOUR choice. And now she gets to make her own choices. You don't get to decide what her financial situation is, or how she spends her $$. There isn't any way I'd fly 1K miles for a shower. I don't care if I'm the MOH-I just wouldn't. Not if I knew I also had to fly for the wedding~and IMO, it doesn't matter if her bf can get her free flights. I'd assume that she either would have had to take time off to fly in and/or home for the shower OR she would have been exhausted from flying 2K miles in a very short window of time for a party. The problem isn't really your MOH. It's that you thought someone who's never gone out of her way for your would suddenly change and start to do that, and that your expectations were way too hight. You can't control people's actions. You can only control how you respond to those actions. Breathe in.......breathe out.......breathe in..... and realize at the end of the wedding, you're going to be married to the man you love~whether you had a great MOH or a less than great MOH.