Am I expecting too much?

nickknackx

FI and I have a rather large Wedding Party. 8 Bridesmaids (2 are MOH) and 8 Groomsmen. It was the biggest mission to get everyone together for our EP. One of my BM was super late and stayed for like 30 min and then left. I understand people have lives but this time is so important to FI and I, we want everyone to be included in everything and spend as much time with everyone that we possibly can.So I have a cousin (who is also BM) and she is coming to town the first weekend in Oct (she lives in NorCal) and FI and I wanted to try and get the wedding party together for a dinner (we picked BJs because it's not over priced and we can get a bunch of Pizzas). I sent a mass text to all my BM and it seems like everyone has an excuse. And this happens everytime I try and have a get together. So far I've heard "I don't know if I'll have money", "I have plans with my boyfriend that weekend but I'll let you know"... really? am I asking a lot? I understand people don't have money, and they have jobs, boyfriends, family etc... but whats going to happen when we have the RD or even on the day of the wedding? are people going to show up late and leave early? I'm felling a little hurt right now

hanron007

yeah your wedding is more than eight months away...I don't think going out to dinner for something wedding related is foremost in their minds right now. And no body wants to be required to go to a dinner and pay for themselves. If you really want them to be there, you need to host them. And its always going to be difficult to get 18 people together on the same night. That's why you gave them about a year to mark down for the wedding.

mbcdefg

Yes. You're really asking a lot of them at this point in the game. A rehearsal dinner and the wedding day are not the same as an engagement party (they're not mandatory and not horribly common - I didn't even know they existed before the Knot, and I didn't even have one), and it's especially not the same as a random dinner. Just because they can't attend all these pre-wedding festivities that you're making up doesn't mean that they're going to bail on your wedding. Just chill out. You don't need to get everyone together so much, especially if they're not friends outside of your wedding. It's awkward and boring to be forced into hanging out with people you barely know, especially on multiple occasions. I'm wondering if you're hoping that they'll all become friends ... which isn't a bad thing on your part, it's just very unrealistic. If you want to hang out with them, awesome, just make it non wedding-related ... meaning, don't get them all together as a bridal party and don't do it so you can discuss wedding plans with them. Hang out with them individually, or in their normal cliques if some of them are already friends. You haven't done anything wrong, but you're WAY too enthuasiastic about this and I think you're setting yourself up for a ton of disappointment. Especially if you were planning to do this over the next nine months. I know you mean well, and it's really nice that you want everyone to be friendly, but I think this has the potential to really annoy or piss off these people if you keep it up.

bablingbrooke

A WP is not a new social circle. That's a very unrealistic expectation. Most of them will never see each other again. Remember they're YOUR friends, not necessarily friends with each other. And they aren't obligated to come to every social event you invite them to between now and the wedding, same as before. Since they ALL have excuses, I'd look at how frequently you're asking them to do wedding stuff. It may be more than you realize and they may be backing away. And yeah, they might show up late and leave early to the RD or the reception. It's called life. If it helps, all my BMs were OOT and only one plus my MOH/sister (who was local) could come to the RD. It wasn't a big deal. And at the wedding you won't care if they leave early, trust me. You definitely need to take a step back. You have a long way until your wedding and the WP can get weddinged-out very easily.

tidetravel

Yes.  You're expecting too much.  People's lives do not revolve around your wedding.  While this may be a special time for you, it's not for them and your wedding is still several months away.  Prepare yourself now:  Chances are, you won't be able to get everyone together for a shower or a B-party - maybe not even the RD (many of the GMs and BMs had to work on the day of the RD).  Simply celebrate with those people that can attend.  The sky will not fall.  Your wedding will not be ruined (unless you throw a hissy fit, pout and allow it to ruin your day)

tidetravel

*many of my GMs

ffmaid

First invites are not summons and a pizza party is truly not a big deal and an EP although more important then a pizza party is still not a big deal. The wedding itself is a big deal and they will be there for that. But those 16 folks are not an auto friend group they are a random grouping of folks that love you and FI they might have nothing in common and not want to have anything in common. Have you ever been a bm? I ask because in reality did your you become best bddies with that WP? Of course not and you probably did not want to go to pizza dinner with folks you are not close to either. Also in reality 1st weekend oct not far away. I'm booked up that weekend and every weekend at least 1 night between now and febuary. It does not mean they do not love you and will not be at the wedding having fun just that they have lives and are not an auto social group particularly with such a huge wp.

banana468

I think you may have your expectations really high.  It's understandable to want your WP to get together but to expect them to schedule their lives around you really isn't fair to them.Imagine how they may feel: how MANY wedding events will there be?Just relax and go with the flow.  Your WP may not be friends with one another so don't feel like they're going to be.Beyond that, the RD or the wedding are not even comparable to the engagement party  or a pizza get together.  I assume you won't be sending mass text invitations to them correct?Instead, take a few months to relax and when you're six months out or so, begin looking for dresses as the next WP activity.  Even then, if all the ladies can't make it, that needs to be OK.

Leah&Christian09

Yes, you are being a little unreasonable with your expectations. These people are not all going to be friends, and don't want to spend all this time with the rest of your WP. Remember that they are in your WP because of their relationship with YOU, not with the rest of your friends. With such a large WP, you are probably going to have at least one person that can't make it to the RD, and at least one that can't stay for the whole reception. That's life. Only one of our GM and 2 BM made it to our e-party, and only 2 BMs made it to the shower, and 3 made it to the b-party. I'm still pretty married, and had a great wedding.

megk8oz

Yes. Yes, you are. They are *your* friends/family, not necessarily *each others* friends and family. And your wedding is 8 months away. There honestly isn't a real reason (aside from fittings, which do not need too be done simultaneously) for any of these people to be in the same room together until about a month before your wedding. Sorry, but them's the facts.

zitiqueen

One day. You get one day, eight months from now. That's all they're obligated to show up for. Remember, nobody cares as much about your wedding as you do.

nickknackx

I just remembered why I never post on other boreds... because everyone is so darn rude! So just to clear some things up... everyone is my bridal party knows each other. There are a few separate cliques but bottom line, they're not strangers. Everyone gets along. This isn't a "pizza party" we're adults. We like to go out for some pizza and beer. When it's someone’s bday everyone is usually there. Or even when someone calls a get-together people go. Is there something wrong with a "random dinner" do you not go out to dinner just because? I don't get it.Also, this isn't to discuss ANY wedding plans whatsoever. After work and planning all week, that’s the last thing I want to do on a Friday night. Trust me!I'm really sorry to hear that you had people missing from you RD or Reception. Or that you didn't even have an EP. Seriously, some of you ladies are ruthless. Maybe some of you have friends and family that don't care about your wedding but that isn't my case. Sorry you not as fortunate as I am to have other people care about your wedding.

bablingbrooke

They cared about our weddings. We just didn't turn it into a year-long series of events. For the record, the reason my OOT BMs couldnt' come to the RD is that we had a Friday wedding and a Thursday rehearsal, and they had taken off work the previous week to fly me down to them for an amazing bach party. I bet they were so keen to do it because I didn't have a year's worth of mandatory events for them to attend. If you didn't want real advice, why are you even here? You clearly just wanted validation that your WP should be in attendance at EVERY event you deem necessary between now and the wedding. How reasonable is that? Honestly? Would you get this upset if you didn't have a wedding involved? Would you even be inviting the same people?

Leah&Christian09

Seriously? You got straightforward, helpful, honest replies, and you are going to whine about it? No one was rude or nasty to you.

bablingbrooke

If you want to ask "Am I expecting too much?" be prepared for people to say "Yes!" If 10 different brides are objectively saying that you're expecting too much, you're probably expecting too much.

jeannigirl

I really did not read any posts where anyone was rude. What was the purpose of coming on here was it for advice? From reading your post it sounds like you were wanting validation. I believed that you were asking the question "Am I expecting to much? Everyone seemed to come to the same conclusion that they felt that you were. "we want everyone to be included in everything and spend as much time with everyone that we possibly can" So my question is what is everything? Sometimes that is not possible for everyone, their are alot of things that go on in peoples' lifes and they cannot commit to everything. You got to understand that and be kind in that they will attend what they can. You have a pretty big wedding party and getting everyone together at one time is almost virtually impossible. Are you expecting them to put their lifes on hold for the next several months and make themselves available when ever you want to throw a party or get together? It surely sounds like that to me.

tidetravel

[i]Sorry you not as fortunate as I am to have other people care about your wedding.[/i] Well, since your friends/family aren't coming to your pizza party, then they OBVIOUSLY don't care about you or your wedding ::eyeroll:: Go ahead and keep your lofty expectations - and make sure you go crying to your friends and family when they don't live up to them.

blackfire5th

In nick's future I'm seeing... Another post in about 7 months about how no one in the wedding party is responding to calls, won't do wedding things, and a few people have dropped out and they have only had 12 pre-wedding events to attend! Let this be a warning to you...

fyrelle74

Just make sure you give them plenty of notice for certain important dates..like the RD..But understand that they may not all make it. ... I'm sure the wedding will be fine and everyone will show that is supposed to Try not to fret over it too much. Trust me..I understand your excitement, but to everyone else it's a long way off before they need to join in on your excitement

peachkins

No, there's nothing wrong with trying to plan a "random" dinner just because.  Unfortunately that's not what your situation sounded like.  You made it pretty clear in your original post that the dinner was specifically designed for the wedding party to get together, and that you were upset because not every single person could make this gathering.  That doesn't sound like a casual get-together to me. You have to be realistic in planning this stuff.  You have a very large wedding party, and it's going to be nearly impossible for everyone to make every wedding-related event there is.  Rest assured, though, that everyone will make it to your wedding.  My brother and SIL had 7 attendants on each side, and everyone showed up when and where they were supposed to.  It will be fine.

zitiqueen

 Sorry you not as fortunate as I am to have other people care about your wedding.But they're not showing up to your random required non-wedding-related wedding party get-togethers, so based on this gem of logic they don't care about your wedding. Maybe you should just kick them out of your bridal party altogether since they aren't showing the proper amount of excitement for a day that is eight months away.You asked if you were expecting too much. We told you that yes, we thought you were expecting too much. If you didn't want to know if you were expecting too much, why did you ask us if we thought you were expecting too much? Do you also go to restaurants and order coffee and then scream at the waitress for bringing you the coffee you asked for?Welcome to public message boards on the internet. You may not always get the answers you want to hear, but here at the Knot, you'll always get the answers you need to hear.

banana468

There was no snark and there were zero personal attacks on this thread nickknackx short of only your comment about being sorry for those of us who don't have friends who care about the wedding.  THAT was rude.Some people are just really busy.  Right now, DH and I have plans every weekend from the last weekend in August until Halloween.  Yes it's true.  We already have plans at least one of those days EVERY WEEKEND.  There's just a lot going on for us right now (it's why I'm taking extra supplements to stay healthy!) and if anyone asked us to something for a night that we're booked, we'd have to decline as well.  It doesn't mean that we dislike our friends.  It just means that we have other commitments.You HAVE to understand that.  It's not that your friends don't like you.  It's that they already have things going on.   You need to respect that.

duckie1905

"Maybe some of you have friends and family that don't care about your wedding but that isn't my case." This is a really crappy statement considering no one was rude to you. I think it is unfair to your friends and family to judge how much they care about you based on their attendance at pre-wedding parties. Life happens and sometimes life requires you to miss events, show up late or leave early, or even cancel plans. The WP doesn't have to get together in a forced group. If they are all friends why not just let it occur naturally (as it normally would/wouldn't and just let it be). They'll all be together at the wedding that is all that you can reasonably expect from them.

blenderdance

I think you are overreacting to be hurt that people aren't coming to dinner.  Even if you are all friends, as you said, have you never turned down a dinner invitation from friends because you had other stuff going on?  Forget it being about the wedding--if you are being truthful, you are saying that you just wanted it to be friends getting together, not wedding-related anyway.  So, you picked a bad weekend for other people--it happens--I doubt that it is a personal attack on you.  And if you honestly have not been bringing up the wedding all the time or making everything about the wedding, then people probably aren't even making the connection between "let's all go out to dinner!" and "this is my wedding party, we should all go out to dinner together."

swim1011

As a side note- if someone says they don't have the money, unless they are out buying $50k cars and whatnot, I would believe them.  I was just accused of being a jerk by my BFF for wedding related events (her wedding was in July) for saying I didn't have the money- eg- an expensive bparty in DC, a huge bridal shower, etc- when I reallly didn't have it.  At all.  In fact, I wasn't sure I'd have a job when all that stuff was happening (which she knew).  Don't hold it against someone if they really are in that position.