Bridesmaid DILEMMA (long)

aknj

I am having a very small wedding - four in the wedding party, my mom (MOH) and my friend of a very long time, and then his two guys. . My mom being the MOH has done everything and the only thing I asked my friend to do was to sit by me at the shower and write down names and gifts which she agreed. Im letting them both pick out their own dresses for this more casual event and since she did not have one or can't afford one, I took a couple over and she picked out one of my favs that I was planning on taking on the honeymoon, but no big deal, i'd rather her wear it, I wouldn't have taken it if I didn't have others to take on my trip. Anyway, I found a awesome deal on a perfect so so cute dress with my colors when I was out shopping one day so I bought it for her was gonna take that to her and make sure it fit (we are the same size so i'm sure it would have) and if so then trade out with her. I couldn't get in touch with her day after day. She never replied to text, email or answered the phone. Finally the day before the shower I sent her a text telling her just to bring the dress she had to the shower and she could try on this other one that i was so excited about. She finally replied asking directions to the clubhouse where we were having the shower. I was relieved since she had volunteered to help that day. Guess what? She never even showed up no call nothing!!!. So not only do I not have my dress that i'd like to get back but I have no idea if I can depend on her to show up to the rehersal dinner or even the wedding!!!!! My mom says I need to just go by her house, pick up my dress, tell her she is more than welcome to come to the wedding but that I have everything nicely planned and just don't need the stress of worrying about if my bm is gonna even show so I will need to ask her to step down so I can have someone dependable. What do you guys think????????

Leah&Christian09

Your mom is right about going to her house. After that, she's dead wrong. Stop trying to work all this out via text. You need to talk to her in person or on the phone. Go to her house with the dress. Tell her about buying it and ask her to try it on. If it works, tell her you'd rather she wear that one. Then take your dress back and go home. Yes, it sucks that she bailed on the shower without letting you know, but it's a minor incidient, hardly worthy of ending your friendship. If she can't afford a dress, I'll bet she couldn't afford a gift and was embarrassed about it. Either way, it's just not that big of a deal. Has she said something to make you think that she won't come to the wedding?

aknj

Ok, this is why I am asking for opinions! But it is definitely not correct that I feel she didn't do enough! I didn't expect anything from her, not to even to get her attire, nor did I expect a gift or anything! My problem is that she didn't just refuse to come, she didn't come after she agreed that she would help out with one of the jobs of the shower. I wouldn't have cared if she said she would not do that and then didn't show (although she could have at least had the courtesy to use the "regrets only"). Like you said, two way street, so not only did it hurt my feelings that she didn't show but I had a very small shower that the few hosting it had their separate duties and I had to ask a guest to help me for the full time to write down the gifts and who I received them from which they were happy to do but it makes me question what kind of friend she is anyway! Since the shower, I was a bit worried about her. Again, no answer, no call, no anything. I called someone that knew her just to make sure she was not ill, and she is just fine. Ok, maybe I just need hope she shows. I'll just worry about it and she can come if she wants or not - if she doesn't show, i'll just figure out someone to fill in for her that day. I have had a great super fun, no stress experience with all of my planning and I am so excited - 15 days to go!!! I'm not gonna let her steal my joy, but this is the only time i've been stressed about any of my planning and I certainly hate that from now til then I will be worried about it and then the day of most likely have to deal with her not showing giving me some additional stress and sadness the day of. My feelings have been hurt very bad because this is my big day and I wanted her to be a part of it but I just don't know. I just don't want to be stuck that day with these hurt feelings. She has proven to be undependable but guess i'll just chance my feelings getting stomped on if you guys think that it is not the proper thing to do to ask someone who I know would be happy to do it and show up.

aknj

I'm not only texting but have because she had said she loves to text and usually always does! . I've called both her home and cell for weeks before the shower, and then have been since the shower. Never answers. She has caller id on both so she knows i'm calling! We were best friends for 15 years. She has two kids and I know she is busy but I don't know, I have tried calling so many times, I would think she could at least answer once! Maybe she was embarrassed about not having a gift, I totally did not expect one though! Her gift was that she was gonna be there and said she was happy to help out that day! I don't know. I'm upset about it. I definitely don't want to destroy a friendship. So again, that's why i'm asking you guys what you think. I'm usually on the budget board, but I love this site, it has been sooooooo helpful in my planning - these boards rock! Couldn't have done it without all the knotties!!!

Mrs.B6302007

You might be overkilling on the contact attempts

caraanddj

By the way, before anyone thinks I am being rude, I am seriously confused about what a bridesmaid is or is not supposed to do. I was a bridesmaid one time before for my brother's wedding - I was expected to buy my dress, show up at the bridal shower, buy a bridal shower gift, buy a wedding gift, attend a pre-wedding bridesmaids gathering so we could all get to know each other, and of course be at the ceremony and reception. I did not mind doing all of this things anyway because it was my brother and SIL, but I also just assumed it was required of me. Is a bridesmaid really only supposed to buy a dress and show up at the wedding?

peachkins

I don't think there's a problem with a BM- especially one who's never been one before- wanting to take the initiative themselves to look up wedding etiquette and what's typically expected of them.  However, I think there's a big difference between a BM doing this herself and volunteering for things, and a bride basically telling her BMs what they need to be doing.  If you're a BM and want to know what you can do to help out a bride, then go ahead and read up.  But as a bride, I wouldn't automatically expect- or ask- my BMs to help me plan my wedding, make favors, address invites, tie little bows around bubbles, or any of the other five hundred things that websites tell BMs they need to do. 

Mrs.B6302007

I don't think there's a problem with a BM- especially one who's never been one before- wanting to take the initiative themselves to look up wedding etiquette and what's typically expected of them. However, I think there's a big difference between a BM doing this herself and volunteering for things, and a bride basically telling her BMs what they need to be doing. Amen.

aknj

No she is not always been flaky, there is a rumor she may be involved with drugs ( i say that not knowing, it is only a rumor and I have not mentioned her name). I've thought about that and just can't imagine how she works, has two kids and would still be able to do that. But I don't know. I just don't know what's going on with her. Here I am up at 330am on a Sunday and am still thinking about it all! I'm worried about her so i've decided to go to her house, take the other dress, see if it fits, get my dress and talk to her like a adult, see what happens from there! Thanks again!!

aknj

Hey thanks!!! And most definitely will post some pics and let ya know when it is done! And I hear ya on that last reply - i've run into some rather rude and childish responses - this is supposed to be fun, right? RITE!!!! Heck as far as i'm concerned, if I read something that I can help out - I reply, otherwise I just move on - I do have a choice. And i'm a firm believer of if you don't have anything good to say, don't say it at all. Thanks again for chatting with me! Take care and talk to ya soon!