How to let my dad down nicely...?

MeganH2010

So I've decided that since my mother raised me, I want her to walk me down the aisle. (parents divorced at age 5 - dad out of my life until age 12). I was completely ok with all of this until my dad offered to help pay for the wedding. I don't feel guilty by having my mom walk me down the aisle because that's exactly what I want, but I feel like I should include my dad somewhere and somehow. The only think I can think to say to him is "Dad, i'm going to have mom walk me down the aisle, but I really want do have a father/daughter dance with you" Having both parents walk me down the aisle is not an option (they hate each other) and that's not what I want anyways. I'm trying to make my wedding day the least awkward as I can, but still having some issues. Any advice on what to do with my dad, or even say to him without hurting his feelings to badly?TIA,Megan

mbcdefg

Did he ask to walk you down the aisle? If not, I wouldn't even mention it and would just say that you're looking forward to the Father-Daughter Dance. If he DID say that he wants to walk you down the aisle ... I think I'd just say, "Dad, I love you, but this is something I want Mom to do for me. But I'd love for our moment in the spotlight to be the FD Dance."

jeannigirl

Has he made any kind of demands or asked if he could be involved in the wedding? If not, then don't bring it up. Do the Father/Daughter dance. If he mentions anything about walking you down the aisle just tell him that your going to have mom do that with you.

MeganH2010

He has not made any demands or requests about it, but I kind of felt like I should tell him up front, the whole helping to pay for my wedding conversation was super awkward, and he brought it up. I was never even going to ask him to help (he refused to help with college, or school clothes or activities/sports that I was involved in throughout my life) so I figured he wouldn't even bother to offer. It threw me off, and not I feel kind of bad for him in some weird way, but he's my dad.....

banana468

Has he made any mention of walking you down the aisle?Either way, I'd say, "Dad, thank you for the generous offer.  Mom will be walking me down the aisle as something special for the two of us but I'd love to have a special father daughter dance for us.  What song would you like?"I'd be up front with him regarding the ideas though.  IMO, it would not be fair to bring this information to him the day before at the rehearsal.

bablingbrooke

Couldn't they both walk you down the aisle together? Then you avoid hurt feelings on all sides. Just some food for thought: My dad and I are not close and I was definitely not his to give away. He contributed nothing to the wedding cost (not that this has any relationship, of course). But I knew it would crush him if he didn't walk me down the aisle. So he did. And he has since told me it was one of the highlights of his life. I personally don't think it's an appropriate time or place to make a big statement about how you feel about your dad. That's just me, of course.

mbcdefg

Do you think he's offering you money because he wants something in return (escorting you down the aisle, a dance, etc.)? Or because he just wants to help out, either as a gift or out of guilt that he wasn't around when you were younger?I don't think you owe him anything because he's giving you money. If it makes you that uncomfortable, maybe you should think about refusing the money.

MeganH2010

With his family, all money has some kind of strings attached. But I agree just because he contributes doesn't automatically mean he gets to walk me down the aisle. Thanks for all of your thoughts, I think I am going to stick with just the father daughter dance thing and telling him upfront. I think it would really hurt more if I told him within a month or a few weeks of the wedding rather than now - 8 months out.

megk8oz

Father/Daughter dance is fine, don't compromise your walk down the aisle: its your moment in the sun, you are entitled to have it the way you want. I do agree with PP about addressing your wishes beforehand, though, just so it isn't like he finds out the day before, especially if he might be thinking that you want things a different way.

dmchafa

I had to let my dad down too, just FYI. I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle. He has been there for me in the past __ years way more than my dad has, and I wanted to make him feel special too! I just called my dad and said,"hey dad, just wanted to let you know that I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle." He was very gracious about it and told me that its my wedding and I should do whatever I want! Hopefully it goes that smoothly for you!! I'm sure his feelings were a bit hurt, but he handled it well, and I'm happy I told him before the big day!!! Hope this helps!

dojo1

What if you asked your dad to escort other important people down the aisle for you (a grandmother or favourite aunt, perhaps?).  He could also be waiting at the top of the aisle to give you a parting kiss on the cheek and then sit down.  I won't pretend to know  your family, but even if two parents hate each other, you might try giving them the option of walking you down together - they might surprise you.

tink143

Just because he is paying some/all of the wedding doesn't obligate you to do this any way other then the way you want it.  I fully understand you dellima.Also, you say both walking you down isn't an option because they strongly dislike one another, but again, this day is not about either of them.  If you want to try that, then try that, it is your day.  If you don't want that have you considered, one walking you halfway down the aisle and then they hand you off to the other and they walk the remainder of the way.  I've seen this before as well.I can see where you are coming from, however make sure this is exactly what you want.  My father isn't even invited to our wedding.  I thought I was okay with it, and now I'm 4 months away and I have to try to deal with not having him there to give me away.No matter what you decide, they will both be involved if she walks you down the aisle and he gets to dance with you.  This is your day and it revolves around you and your FI, it isn't to accomadate either one of them no matter how much they are spending. Do what your heart will feel comfortable and happy with 5 years from now. Good Luck!

TheSquirrelsRWatching

I'm in a similar situation. My parents have been divorced since I was 4. Growing up I only visited him on every other holiday until he moved across the country...now I hear from him even less. He's paid for NOTHING in my life. As far as I'm concerned, my stepdad raised me, but I want both to walk me down the aisle. My mom had me ask my dad if he wanted to help pay (I don't intend on him actually doing so, but if he wanted to help we'd let him). He completely jumped subjects and told me I could not have both men walk me down the aisle, holding the money thing over my head. I just need to be upfront with my dad about my expectations for the night and let him know that who walks me down the aisle is not up for debate. My stepdad has raised me and will be walking me down the aisle, and I hope that he can get past his guilt for not being in my life and be there too. I know my dad will come around. What you wrote in your post to say sounds fine. Just be straight foward and honest with him as I have to do with my dad. From the sounds of it, your dad will probably be fine with it. I know weddings bring up all kinds of awkward family situations, but keep your head up  and be clear on your expectations. I'm sure he'll understand.

hillaryeggert

There's a special tactic that I use in this kind of situation.  You state that, because the person knows you so well, you're sure they already assumed whatever it is you're going to tell them.  Oh, and always work in a compliment when you can.  Example:"Dad, I wanted to talk to you about something.  You know how close Mom and I have always been, and as I'm sure you already guessed, she will be walking me down the aisle.  But I can't wait for our FD dance - you are such a great dancer.  Do you want to think of a few songs you would like to use?  I would love to practice with you!"I agree with you, you need to bring it up well before the wedding.  Some people (e.g., formerly estranged fathers who like to pretend they weren't MIA for 7 formidable years of your life) may assume things, like who's walking their daughter down the aisle.  Good luck!

akardas

I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I have the same issue (except my dad is not involved at all with the wedding). I was going to post this myself, but you beat me to the punch. I have no idea when to bring it up to him because it is such an awkward conversation.

AlissaLynn

Wow, I, too, feel as if I could have written this post....however, I am still not sure if my dad will even be at the wedding. My mom is walking me down the aisle, too, and is also my MOH. As for my dad, if he does come to the wedding, let alone, pay for anything, I would have a dance with him, and perhaps have him make a toast. Other than that, like the others have said, this is YOUR day and you should just do what is most comfortable for you.

ATruesdell

It is considered to be an honor to be an usher..maybe he can be an usher?