Should I be a bridesmaid for her?

futuremrsbrady

I was recently contacted by the fiance of my fiance's best friend. She asked me if I would be in their wedding. She said "I don't know what everyone will be doing yet but you'll probably be a bridesmaid". While I am flattered that she asked I've only been in the same room as her twice. I felt cornered and told her I thought it was very sweet that she thought to ask and I'd love to.Here's the problem. I'm a college student with NO disposable income. AND I'm already in a wedding next year as a hostess for a friend I've been around more than twice. I know I won't be able to afford to buy everything she'll probably ask for (the dress mainly but also if she wants nails, hair, etc. plus how are the parties paid for?!). What do I do? Do I call and just flat out say I realized I can't because of my budget? Do I call and say I can't be a bridesmaid because of money but I'd love to do something else if she needs it (usher, etc.) I don't want to be rude but I really can't afford this and think it's insane that she'd want me up there when we're not close at all.

peachkins

Well, if she is a nice bride and decides to treat her friends like friends, she won't require you to get your hair, nails, etc professionally done at your expense.  It's also polite for whoever is planning parties to ask everyone involved how much they are able to spend before planning said parties.  It's unfortunate that you've already said yes, because that definitely makes things harder.  Maybe you should just talk to her and tell her your concerns, and let her know up front that they are things you may not be able to do.  If she's okay with this, then I would suck it up and be in her wedding.  I can't help you on why she asked- seems odd to me to, but since she asked and you said yes I would probably do it unless financially you can't.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You might be expected to buy your dress (you probably will be) but you shouldn't be expected to have your hair, makeup and nails done to her exact specification unless she is paying for it. Meaning? You can DIY that. You aren't expected to throw parties. You aren't expected to do ANYTHING except be in the wedding. It's a nice gesture, but her MOH will probably organize a shower or bachelorette. You are, however, expected to bring a gift to the shower and wedding, of course, which you would be expected to do, BM or not.I'm sure she wants to include you because your fiance will also be in the wedding party. If you don't feel comfortable doing that (because you are being asked just because of your fiance, not because you are close to the bride), tell her you'd rather decline, but in a nice way, as you suggested. If you want to do it, tell her you would love to, but you have budget concerns and can only afford x amount for a dress and accessories. She may let you pick your own dress, in which case you can shop around, or she might pay for the dresses or pay for a portion over a certain amount. Don't discount it yet if you'd like to do it. It IS weird, though, that she said you'll "probably be a bridesmaid." She really shouldn't talk like that until she finalizes the list. If she ends up not asking you, that would be rude. She also seems like someone who is concerned with having even sides and couples in her WP.

Sooles

i would say no. i find it very strange that she would ask you.you have no obligation to say yes to this.

leahlu

She said "I don't know what everyone will be doing yet but you'll probably be a bridesmaid".She hasn't really asked you yet, so I think it's a little early to decline. Wait until she actually decides what she would like you to do in the wedding to decide if you can afford it. Very awkward thing to say to someone.

aerinpegadrak

"I've assessed my finances since we talked, and I don't think I'll be able to afford all the expenses of being a bridesmaid.  I'll be thrilled to attend as a guest, but I don't want to put any extra pressure on you."If she's rational, she'll respond one of three ways:1) Offer to cover some of your BM expenses2) Suggest another position for you to fill (usher, reader, etc.)3) Say it's fine to just be a guestIt she's BSC, then it might get interesting.  But I think you're totally fine to be honest and say that you can't afford it.

mbcdefg

Ditto aerin. I would just say something like, you're on a tight budget and don't think you'll be able to contribute the time or money into being her BM. A bridesmaid invitation is not a subpoena, so you've got the right to politely decline it. If you're interested in the role if it only requires buying a dress, maybe ask her what her expectations of her BMs are and she can fill you in on what she wants from you. But beware, she might say "nothing but the dress" in the beginning and then expect you to do all this stuff later on. I don't know what kind of personality she has (but I'm guessing you don't either, lol). That's weird that she'd ask you out of nowhere to be a BM. Do you think she's doing it to get even sides? Or maybe she thinks that since your FI is in the wedding (I assume), you should be in it as well?

LarissaAnn

Thing is, OP wasn't actually asked to be a bridesmaid. She was asked to be in the wedding and told she *might* be a bridesmaid. That means she also might be an usher, a reader, a punch-server, a program distributor, a guestbook attendant, or anything else that people think of. Now, if she's asking you to be a reader, that's great. You show up in the dress you'd have worn anyway, read what she asks you to read, and you're done. No extra expense. Actually, for any of the other positions (whether you find them questionable as "honors"), there's no additional expense. This would be a lot easier if it wasn't such an open-ended question on her part and you knew what was being asked of you.

mbcdefg

I also think that, if you need to stop and think about being someone's BM, you probably shouldn't be.

aerinpegadrak

See, if she hasn't decided everyone's jobs yet, I think now is the time to let her know that you'd rather not be a bridesmaid.  If you tell her once she's got everything set, then she has to rearrange things, but if you tell her now, she can take that into consideration while they're making their final decisions.  I think it makes it easier on everyone if you 'fess up ASAP.

jeannigirl

Then you just tell her that you will have to decline her offer has you have other commitments that hinder you from being in her Bridal Party. You will be more than happy to attend her wedding has a guest.

futuremrsbrady

Thank you all so much for your advice! In the same call where she asked me to maybe be a bridesmaid she also told me about her appointment to go shopping in three days and asked me to go with so we could look at dresses for me. I couldn't go anyway because of the short notice but this leads me to believe she's not very organized which could add to last minute surprise expenses. Plus, my FI still hasn't been asked to be in the wedding. I'm almost positive it's because her FI is just being a 'typical man" and hasn't gotten around to it but still. It lends itself to a rather uncomfortable position.

PyroWolfe

I think it was pretty weird of her to ask without really even knowing you. But I think you should just call her up and be honest. Say "Hey, I was thnking more about what you had asked about being a bridesmaid and I completely forgot my commitment to be in my friend's wedding the same year. I'm sorry to say that I just can't afford to be in 2 weddings so close together like that. Being in college just really takes all the extra cash I have. I'm really sorry I didn't think of it sooner." And if you are sincere that you'd be willing to help with being an usher or something instead then just add "Is there still a way I would be able to help you on your day? Perhaps being an usher or helping to pass out programs or something?" But if being apart of this person's wedding makes you feel uncomfortable and weird- why wouldn't it when she's pretty much a stranger?- then don't feel like you should be obligated to ask that question. You can always leave it at the fact you simply can't find a way to do it because of money issues. If she's a nice person I'm sure she'll understand. Just express your sincere feelings of regret that you aren't able to.