If you knew you were a replacement...

Alko726

A couple weeks ago, my friend was asked to be a BM in her friend's wedding. When she told me the news via chat, I said, "yay! ". She replied with, "yeah, I said yes, but the thing is I think I'm a back up". Turns out the girl asked her to be BM, and after she said "yes, I'd love to", the bride to be said, "great! my other friend said no when i asked her." Needless to say she's a bit bummed that she's essentially a replacement, but she's already said yes and doesn't plan on stepping down or anything. She says if she had known before she gave the response, she would have said no. Out of curiosity, would you have said anything upon learning that you were a replacement? WWYD?

bablingbrooke

No. I would have had some thoughts about it (and maybe griped about it privately) but I wouldn't have said anything to her. Not my place to play wedding police as a BM unless the bride is doing something especially egregious. And while this is bad, I don't consider it egregious. It sounds like a slip rather than something that was meant to make the BM feel second-best. Just my guess.

Alko726

I think you're probably right, babblingbrooke. She didn't think anything of it when she mentioned that her original friend had said no, but my friend was venting to me and and while I told her it sort of sucked to hear that, she should just think positively about it. I told her that if she wanted to complain about it, that I'd be here to listen. I think my friend was actually surprised to even be asked because she didn't think they were that close.

Alko726

Correction -- I guess venting sort of implies that she was angry about it, but she's not. She just mentioned it to me as a bit of a weird / awkward situation for her that she was a little bummed about at first.

kmmssg

If someone came and asked me to be a BM because someone backed out and they had to have even sides, my feelings weould be hurt and I would say no. If someone asked me the way your friend was asked I would have to take a moment and think about the intent behind what they said.  My DH and DS are both pretty bad about saying things in a way that is brash, but their intent is really quite sweet and on the level.  If I knew the intent was genuine and the delivery was off a bit, I'd accept and move along. I have also seen times on the knot where someone has had their wedding party lined up for quite awhile and then regret not asking someone else til later.  A genuine request from a bride to a friend asking her to join (not replace anyone) the wedding party is always fine in my book.

Leah&Christian09

I think that if I were in her situation, I would probably eventually step down. I wouldn't go to the trouble and expense of being a BM for someone I wasn't that close wiht, and tellling me I was a back up would really hurt my feelings. I would probably tell the bride that I'd thought about it, and since we really aren't that close, I'd really rather just be a guest. I'm biased b/c I'm broke right now, though. If I had money coming out of my ears, I might think differently.

mbcdefg

I would be really hurt to know that I was a replacement or a second-choice. The bride was really rude and dumb to say that to your friend. Like some PPs said, whether or not I would tell her I've had a change of heart and wanted to drop out would depend on who she was and how close we were. FI was asked to be a groomsman a few years ago for someone. Within a short time, he realized that he'd most likely been asked as a slot-filler to keep the sides even. He liked the couple and was glad to participate in their wedding, but even today he's still a little bummed that they obviously wanted him primarily as the "last groomsman" in their pre-set count.

kpeteley

That comment could have meant - Great, my other friend said no and I was worried you wouldn't want to also.  It doesn't mean she was definately a replacement - Also, I have girls that I would have loved to ask, but I set a # and stuck with it.  There are 2 or 3 girls I wish were in the wedding.  Being a backup shouldn't be soo looked down upon - unless it's a situation where the girl is only looking to up her #s, or be = to her FI's GM.

CTGirl30

This is why the mentality of having set numbers rather than going with your heart and asking the people you really want isn't such a great idea. Why regret not having a few friends be there with you based on the silly notion of having sides be matchy matchy? That means you're placing symmetry over the importance of friendship....*sigh* I don't get it. Back to OPs question - I do think you could look at this both ways...and it could very well have meant - "Great! My other friend said no when I asked her and I'm so happy you said yes" rather than, "Great! My other friend said no when I asked her but now I have you to take her place!"  It doesn't necessarily mean the bride's intent was to replace the first girl who said no.  ;-)  I'd be inclined to giev the girl the benefit of the doubt - unless your friend who clearly knows her better has reasons to believe she wouldn't have been asked otherwise to be in the WP unless it was to replace someone.

mbcdefg

That comment could have meant - Great, my other friend said no and I was worried you wouldn't want to also. It doesn't mean she was definately a replacement.That's a very good point. But IMO it was dopey of the bride to say it simply because it had so much potential to be misinterpreted. She would've been better off saying "Great!" and leaving it at that. But water under the bridge now.

LarissaAnn

"That comment could have meant - Great, my other friend said no and I was worried you wouldn't want to also. It doesn't mean she was definately a replacement -" I had the same thought. I can babble silly things sometimes. And one of the chicks I asked to be a BM said no. The other BMs knew it, but I didn't ask any of them as a replacement, they were all on the list from day one.

Julia O'Brien

Larissa I thought the same thing when I read this. Maybe she was always going to ask her.... just mentioning that she was surprised that the other declined. Doesn't mean she was second tier necessarily... I would take that as ' I asked 3 BM including you, and one said no'

Alko726

Wow, thanks for all the feedback! My friend made it pretty clear (to me on chat, at least, so this situation is purely from my perspective) that it sounded like the bride said it in a way that meant that she was a replacement for numbers, not that she was surprised she said yes. They work together and have become friends, but they do do much together outside of work from what I understand, so she was surprised to be asked. I was just curious as to how you all would handle the situation (as I understand it) knowing that the general consensus on replacing BMs is that it's insulting/hurtful. If it were me finding out after saying yes, I don't think I'd step down for the sake of hurting the bride's feelings after the fact, but if I was told before in conversation, I would likely decline.

SarahPLiz

I was a replacement BM for a good friend of mine, so I have been there. We were neighbors in college and then about 3 years later we both moved to the same city. She was planning her wedding so I was helping her, as all of her BMs lived about 4 hours away. I was helping her just because we are friends, not because I felt I had to. She had a BM flake on her, so she asked me if I wanted to take her place. We had become closer over the last few months while planning, so I took it as an honor. Her mom planned her shower and bachelorette party (total disaster, but thats another story) in their hometown, so I drove her there (she didnt drive at the time) and ran interference for her crazy family. Point being, I felt honored that she found my company and counsel useful and comforting, whether I was a replacement or not. The honor is in being asked to stand with your friend while she makes a life commitment. Take it asa compliment and have fun!

maryashley1227

That comment could have meant - Great, my other friend said no and I was worried you wouldn't want to also. It doesn't mean she was definately a replacementFI asked his very best friend of 13 plus years and he said no. He asked him first and from there on out was a little surprised when the other GMs said yes.

Alko726

Thanks for the comments ladies! Like I said, just wondering how you'd respond. As an update: when I talked to her a little while ago, she learned that the reason for why she was asked was because her friend that declined didn't want to walk with the one guy on the groom's side (hatred, I guess). There was originally just going to be one on each side, but they're adding one more to each so that the girl that declined would hopefully change her mind and walk with the new add-on GM (which they're having trouble finding). The whole situation, if you heard the story, would make you laugh. It's wrong on so many levels. I thought the two were okay friends, but it turns out they've never spent time together outside of work (where my friend just started working recently). Awkward situation to be in, if you were my friend I suppose.

Alko726

Oh and sorry, I also wanted to say that if it were the case that she was just honestly surprised my friend said yes, then I'd totally understand and take no offense at all. It's all in how you say it though, I guess. My friend just learned that it was what she had suspected to begin with (though I guess she could be an "add-on" for numbers rather than a replacement), which is unfortunate. We were hoping it was just her being pleasantly surprised.

Ishaba11

I flat out knew I was a replacement. After about 6 months of hearing about my friend's wedding plans every weekend (all of our other friends were BMs in the wedding just not me because there weren't enough guys and GOD FORBID she had an uneven number...but thats a different story) I was asked to be a BMs ONLY after one of the other BMs dropped out of the wedding about two months before the wedding. I was obviously upset that I wasnt asked in the first place but even more upset I was second string. However, because I have a heart of gold I sucked it up and did it anyways. So I know what your friend is going through and I guess make the best of it because she already agreed to it.