Do I have to ask FSIL?

KCBride18

Ladies, I need your help!  Is it necessary to ask my future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid?  We're not very close, although she seems to think that we are (I don't understand either) and I have already asked my very close friends and my sister.  Asking her would make it 7 people in the bridal party and I would just be uncomfortable.Even before we were engaged she started dropping hints about wanting to be in the wedding and asking if my sister was going to be in it.  On one occasion, after she had been drinking for awhile, she even said, "Well, if your sister is in it, I have to be too!"  I feel like there is a difference, a huge difference, between asking my sister and asking her.  She tells us repeatedly that we're terrible people for not inviting her over as often as she would like and we just seem to live on different planets.  My fiance, isn't very close with her and doesn't want her in the party, but feels pressure from his family.  His mother seemed to be behind us, until last night she took him aside and told him to weigh the issue of having her stand up there beside us for 10minutes vs. her not speaking to us for 50 years.  Yes, I know that is the reality of the situation, but I also feel it's unfair to remind us of the issue if she "doesn't want to interfere" as she has told us many times.What have you ladies done?  Isn't it my wedding and I get to choose?  Or is that just all in my head?

banana468

It's your wedding and you get to choose...but she's family and she'll be there long after that dress has been preserved.It's about weighing options and seeing if one is worth it.  Would standing up for your FI be something that works?  She can still be an attendant and do the girly stuff but she'll be there on the groom's side rather than yours.

melishka716

Ditto both PPs. It's your wedding, but consider the consequences that may arise if she doesn't have some spot.

bablingbrooke

If your FSIL will hold a grudge about this, ask her. Think of it as buying yourself some family peace. Because she will be your family for a long time. It sounds like it will be a big problem if she isn't. So I'd do it. This is from someone who asked her bratty sister purely out of obligation and did not regret it. When you think about it, all she HAS to do is walk down an aisle and stand next to you for half an hour. Is that such an imposition?

[Deleted User]

I 100% agree with Banana. Look at the long term. Also you could suggest to FI that she stand up for him.

junelley

I was contemplating the same thing for a long while and as of right now (which I think is final), my FSIL is not in our wedding party.  I am not close to her and my FI doesn't care if she's in the party or not.  The difference is that my FSIL did not mentioning anything about wanting to be in the wedding party or not (we barely even talk, that's how close we are), though my FMIL did ask a few times who I was going to ask to be in my bridal party, which I took it as a sign that she might want her daughter in it.  Either way, they didn't actively pressure me, so in the end, I didn't ask her.  I have my brother standing for me, though, so if she were to be in the wedding party, I think it'd be more appropriate if she stood on his side (and he doesn't care for that.)  The big difference here is that since you are being pressures, I think I would ask her to be part of the bridal party.  If my FSIL/FMIL were pestering me about it, I'd have asked my FSIL. GL!

Leah&Christian09

I think your FI should ask her to stand on his side. I agree that this will not be over when the wedding is over. She's being really rude about it, but you know that she'll be really hurt if she isn't part of the WP.

RockChickPiXie

honestly I wasn't pressured the way you are being to ask my 2 fsil's but I honestly regret asking the older one, and am starting to regret asking the younger one. the reasons I regret are purely family issues, the older sister is rude to her brother and I at pretty much every given opportunity, they do not get along and she has never tried to get to know me period. The younger sister I usually have no problem with in fact we are pretty close but since we've been engaged and I asked her to be a bridesmaid I can't get a hold of her, I've sent her facebook messages and tried iming her if she is online and haven't gotten any response at all. However I couldn't ask one without asking the other and they are my fi's sisters and they will be part of our family for the rest of our lives and FMIL and I have enough drama in the past I did not want to take the chance that she would have a problem with me over something new. So basically I'm suggesting you just grin and bear it make her happy for one day so she won't be making you miserable for the rest of your life with your fi.

KCBride18

Thanks for the feedback!  This issue has so many things attached to it that it gets overwhelming.  The other part of it is that she's pretty anti-social and a bit awkward at times.  She's met all the girls that I'm asking to be in my bridal party in the past, but every time she basically stands in the corner and doesn't try to mingle with them at all.  I'm worried that it'll make the bachelorette and shower awkward.  However, if she'll be invited to both events regardless, since she's a female attending the wedding and his sister, I guess it couldn't hurt to have her wear the dress and be up there.I'm liking the idea of her standing on his side - but my fiance's not interested!  Ha!So many ups and downs, right??

RockChickPiXie

Retread, I actually don't remember asking for advice but thanks. I don't understand where it became a rule that you shouldn't ask someone to be in your wp till 6 months out, I mean really, my fsil is going to be my fsil whether she is a rude biotch to me and her bro or not. Also, if you actually read what I had written you would have realized that the problem with my other fsil has absolutely nothing to do with my wedding and more to do with how she treats me as a person actually that's my main issue with both of them, but really I appreciate the unsolicited advice.

bablingbrooke

I personally disagree with the 6 month rule; I think anything over a year is too long but anything under a year is okay. If you ask more than a year out it's unreasonable to expect people to stay as excited as you want them to, but under a year is pretty normal.

SarahPLiz

I did not know the rule about asking BP 4-6 months out. My BP consists of my 2 sisters, so as soon as i called them to tell them about the engagement, we started talking wedding and I told them I'd like them to stand with me. I think it depends on who your WP are and your relationship and expectations of them. In my case, I will only see my older sister once before the wedding, at Christmas, and will only see my younger sister a few times before the wedding, so we are already on the lookout for BM dresses we like. I have a core group of 4 friends that are helping with me in planning, but are not at all offended that I didnt ask them. To answer the original question, you dont HAVE to ask ANYONE to be a BM. each family has its own expectations for wedding parties, so the best thing is to discuss with your FI. I personally feel that you shouldnt have anyone in your WP that you aren't close to. Perhaps your FI can make her feel included by asking her to be a reader.

ninjette04

I agree that it's YOUR wedding and you don't HAVE to ask anyone you don't want to... I have 2 FSILs and I only asked 1 (whom I am closest to) to be a BM.  I asked the other for her daughters to be FGs... I am glad I only asked one too, b/c she made a comment to other sis that she "couldn't afford to, and didn't feel like being in it".  Do what you want, but there may be consequences.  My situation just happened to work out for me...