Maid of Honor is MIA... need your advice!

stilettos_and_sippys

I have a pretty small wedding party... only 3 bridesmaid and 3 groomsmen. I have my bff as my maid of honor, my sister as my matrom of honor and my fiances sister as a maid. Just this past week I have tried and tried... and tried to get in touch with my maid of honor and she won't return my calls, my emails, texts... nothing. It's SO strange! She just out of the blue got back with her ex husband... who's a total dirtbag and I think he's proabably told her she has to choose him or me... and it looks like I just got dumped... SO, my question is, what the heck do I do? Do I keep trying to talk to her and get her to be in the wedding or do I just forget her because no good maid of honor would leave a bride hangin like this? I'm just kind of heart broken and confused. I could really use some advice. THANKS GIRLS! Cassie

bablingbrooke

I think you drop the wedding aspect altogether and focus on the fact that your friend has just reunited with a bad, possibly abusive, man. First and foremost she's your best friend, not your MOH. If there were no wedding involved, what would you do?

stilettos_and_sippys

I absolutely agree Brooke... But there isn't much I can do when she won't talk to me. No one wants her to be with him, but she doesn't care.

Leah&Christian09

Relax. It's been a week, and you still have months until your wedding. Back off for a few days, and then call her (leave a message if you have to) and let her know that you miss her and are worried about her since you haven't heard from her. Then invite her out for coffee/dinner/whatever. Remember, friendship comes first. Just because you are getting married, it doesn't mean the dynamics of your friendship are suddenly changed. She doesn't have some new duty that she must make contact with you every few days just because she is your MOH.

bablingbrooke

Your wedding is still not the main problem here. This is going to sound harsh but I think it's incredibly selfish to be saying "do I just forget her because no good maid of honor would leave a bride hangin like this?" when you have a very real reason to worry about her well-being. You still have a couple months until your wedding so I don't quite understand what you need to get ahold of her for wedding-related. Have mutual friends been able to get ahold of her? Have you told her family?

stilettos_and_sippys

Ok, I think I need to go into a little more detail. I was just trying to explain the wedding issue. We don't really have mutual friends... it's pretty much just me and her. We usually talk every day, go out a few times a week. So it's very strange that she would just stop talking to me for no reason. I also didn't mention that she got pregnant by him a couple months ago when they got together for a weekend. But even then she said she didn;t want anything to do with him. I have talked to her mom (who she's lived with since she left him) and she was pretty shocked and confused to hear she wasn't talking to me. We both have 4 year old little girls who are best friends. My little girls birthday was yesterday and she didn't bring her little girl to the party or even let me know she wasn't coming. I know she's okay because I've looked at some comments she's been posting to people on MySpace. I'm really not being selfish, I promise. I just have to make some final choices on the dresses and the wedding programs THIS WEEK... so I don't know how to handle it. I never meant that she's going to be kicked out of the wedding or our friendship b/c she was ignoring me... She's just been my right hand in wedding planning and now she's gone and I'm lost ;(

bablingbrooke

I still think you're putting form over substance here. Programs are just going to sit in a box for the next two months. Dress stuff can wait. Your friend is going through something huge. Pregnant by her ex husband! Who isn't good for her! Whose own mother wasn't aware of these developments! I'd say she's got a lot on her plate and frankly it's not surprising she's not responding to you about your wedding. Give her time. Realize that your wedding is pretty low on the priority list right now, for very good reason.

bablingbrooke

And why isn't your FI your right-hand man when it comes to planning? Helping you plan is his job, not your MOH's.

stilettos_and_sippys

okay wow, Brooke... I was lookin for some WEDDING advice, not to be thrown under the bus. I promise I have the "good faithful friend," eithcal portion of the situation under control... I have done nothing (and will continue) but be the best friend I can possibly be, when she makes smart decisions and when she runs her life in the ground. My fiance IS obviously my best friend on earth and of course he and I are the main ones in the wedding planning. But if you happen to have any girl friends you'll understand that it's a different kind of relationship, which also carries over to wedding planning. As far as the dresses and programs go... I'm on a strict budget so while several hundred dollars may be nothing to you, it is to us.

bablingbrooke

I used to work at Kinko's. If you spend more than $20 on your programs you're going overboard. I also had a very strictly-budgeted wedding. Which is why we didn't do programs and guess what, no one missed them. I have many good girlfriends. They are friends, not wedding planners. Two of them had major life crises during the year I was engaged and they were BMs. Do you think the wedding ever came up? Of course not. I'm not throwing you under the bus. I'm pointing out that your friend is going through some major life changes and to focus on the fact that she can't help you pick out flowers or do programs or anything like that is a very selfish way to approach the situation. She's pregnant, can't stand the father but is getting back together with him, has another small child, and from what you wrote all you can think of is how this affects YOUR wedding planning.

stilettos_and_sippys

okay well honey, first of all... I am NOT getting my wedding stationary at Kinkos... but thanks for your advice on that one. She's not back with him b/c she has to be... she wants to be. She's all in love... so it's not like she's being held hostage and beaten or anything.... she's all excited about the baby (which is fabulous!) and excited about them being back together, (which is great if he can actually be good to her)... that stuff isn't the issue. It looks as though she doesn't need or want my help. You keep totally getting away from the point. My question is... I HAVE to order dresses this week if I want them to be here on time and my stationer is waiting on my final list... the question is how do I order (or not order) a dress for some one who won't talk to me. I'd bet my life he's made her "choose" between him and me, (he's done that before) SO... unfortunately since I AM planning a wedding details have to be addressed. I've lost a TON of sleep over this and cried for hours, not about the wedding but because I have totally been dumped my my bff.... so please quit acting as if I'm only concerned with MY wedding.

caraanddj

Is she paying for her own dress or were you paying for it? It is better to be safe than sorry, so I would order the dress and then take it from there. If you do not plan to kick her out of the wedding party, then assume she will be there on your wedding day and will need a dress. If for some reason she chooses not to be in the wedding, then you can always try to resell the dress. I think the same goes for the programs. Put her in the programs as MOH. If the wedding comes and for some reason she chooses not to be in the wedding, most guests probably will not even realize and those who do, hopefully will be close enough to you to know what happened.I hope you are able to speak with her soon. I imagine it is very hard to be apart from someone you have been close to for so long. I agree with a PP who said to give her some time, maybe try reaching out once more in a week or so, and then just kind of leave her be for a while. Order anyway and see how it goes. Good luck to you! I hope it works out for your friend with her situation and for your friendship.

bablingbrooke

You keep changing your story. First it was that her ex is a dirtbag who made her choose between her friends and him. Then it was that this was unexpected and you hadn't heard from her. Now it's that she's in love and everything's wonderful. Leave her a message to say you need her to order the dress by X date. If you haven't heard from her, she's taken herself out of the WP. Ball's in her court. And if you're so friggin' budget-conscious, you wouldn't be blowing all kinds of money on fancy programs that few will read and most will throw away.

stilettos_and_sippys

Thanks caraanddj, that was good advice... I'll probably do just that. I guess I'd rather have it and not use it than to not have it at all. Brooke, my story has never changed... I just gave more detail. He is a dirtbad... which is why I can't believe she'd be with him... it's insane that she's so crazy about him when he's such bad news for her. I do have a strict budget meaning I have figured out exactly how much I want to spend on each thing... I didn't mean I want to spend 20 bucks on my wedding stationary... I just meant I don't have any extra. I think your advice would be taken a little better if you weren't so worried about being right and a little more concerend with helping people...

bablingbrooke

I'm very concerned w helping pol. You just didn't want to hear what I had to say. You wanted validation not advice.

stilettos_and_sippys

nope... i couldn't care less about validation. I just wanted to know what the heck to do about bridesmaid dresses and programs... plain and simple.

bablingbrooke

And the problem with that is that you are putting that ahead of your friendship w/ this girl. Which is more important in the long run. But there's just no talking sense or perspective into you. So I give up.

stilettos_and_sippys

OH MY WORD! Are you serious?!?!?! Have you actually read anything I've written? WOW... If you knew me at all you'd know I'm a pretty selfless person. I really appreciate the girls who helped (and stayed on topic) I'm sure anyone who has a budget understands my question... Thanks again

banana468

Stilletto's, babling was giving you solid advice.PLEASE don't spent a ton on programs.  DH and DIY'd ours for $20 using our home printer.  There is no need for them to cost a lot and it's hard to say that you're on an extremely strict budget when you're prepared to spend more than that on something that will be thrown away immediately after the ceremony.Find out when you need to order the BM dress.  Then call your MOH and say, "I just want to let you know that I love you and haven't heard from you.  Is everything OK with you and the baby??"  THEN, if she doesn't respond call her once more and say, "I haven't heard from you and the dress unfortunately needs to be ordered by X date.  Please let me know if there are any issues.  If you can't be in the wedding anymore I totally understand though."And if she's STILL not returning your calls, call her parents, her office, etc.  That's a HUGE sign that something could be wrong.  Just out of curiosity, what's the absolute worst thing that will happen if you print a program that has her name on it and she's not in the wedding? 

dsouldiva

Wow, firstly, take a deep breath and don't get so aggressive with everyone, this is a board where people voice their opinions, if you don't like the opinion or advice, move on to the next post, there's no need to pick fights.You have 2 issues, 1) Bridesmaids dresses and programs - make the final decision yourself and tick off your list, i'm sure you will make the right decision and if you need a second opinion ask your FI.2) You have a friend who needs your support - Unfortunately people make bad decisions but it is their life and their choice to make, all you can do is try and support her, and right now it seems the support she needs is for you to give her space.  Leave it a couple of weeks and if you still haven't heard from her send her a card to let her know you miss her, you'll always be her friend and your door is always open.  Give her a complete break from anything wedding related, it sounds like she has bigger things to deal with in her life.

melishka716

I'm not going to lie, but reading about you guys arguing was hilarious!On another note, I am sorry to say this, but Babling is right. I know you may disagree, but it's true.

bablingbrooke

Thank you! I knew I wasn't crazy!

melishka716

Babling- Well, considering that you took the words right out of my mouth, I had to agree. You gave her advice, but she wanted validation. Keep your ground. You were right.

ffmaid

You are months away from your wedding. This is a friends issue and right now you need to back off as she has a lot going on with her ex husband and does not neeed you pressuring her about your wedding months in advance. You are being a bad friend here. Back off she has bigger things on her plate and you are being a pest. Stop calling and calling and let her deal with her bigger issues without a pestering bride friend who does not realize that her wedding is lesss important then the friends marriage

stilettos_and_sippys

Okay, I feel like I've been speaking a differnt language. I never said OR thought that something as small as programs is more important than my relationship with my best friend. I would (and always will) put anything on the back burner to help her in any way I can. I'm not upset about dresses and programs... I'm upset because my bff won't have anything to do with me... that has nothing to do with the wedding. The ONLY reason I even posted this is because the last day to have the dresses made and ready (for sure) by 12.12 is TOMORROW... unfortunately that IS something I have to address. I don't have her measurements and just didn't know what to do. THAT is why I wanted advice. In all honesty programs aren't that big of a deal, I just don't want to waste money on soemthing I can't use. I was NEVER trying to pick a fight... I just can't understand why you all keep calling me selfish because I need to know what to do about dresses? Validation isn't what I need... or want. I couldn't care less about that. Of course I'm concerned about her... I think it's SO weird that she went back to him... but like some one said, she makes her own decisions and I can't tell her what to do. I just want her and her children to be happy and safe (which they weren't before.) I've been praying that he actually has changed and they can have a happy life together... that would be wonderful, however, I just can't see him as anything but bad news. I've given her a place to stay, given her a job, and absolutely ANYTHING else she needed that I could give her. I love her and her babies more than you can imagine... it absolutely breaks my heart that this is happening. So I apologize if I got upset but I just don't know how that's selfish. In all this mess of people telling me how awful I am I did get some good advice. I will back off and leave her alone all together... hopefully she'll come back into my life. Please try and have some compassion and try and understand that my wedding is not my first priority... my relationships are. In all of this situation my wedding issues are about 0.5% of my concern... but that doesn't mean I can ignore what needs to be done. It wouldn't be fair to our sisters. I just miss my friend...

stilettos_and_sippys

This is awful... I've been sobbing reading everything you all have said. You have no idea who I am... In my life my God comes first, then my family and other relationships... my wedding is pretty much dead last. This was my very first post on this site and I only came on here b/c it's about WEDDINGS and I thought you all could help me with my issue concerning my wedding. I have a great support system who has helped me with the rest of this issue and what and what not to do. To be honest, I'm ALWAYS going to take Christian advice before any other... so when I came here that wasn't what I was looking for. All I wanted was to know what to do about dresses and you have made me feel even worse. I've cried for days over her and I sure didn't think that this board was going to make it worse. Please don't be cruel.

banana468

OP, I'm glad you came back.I know you need dresses ordered but talk to the shop.  If she's expecting she may need a different dress anyway.Then, focus on your friend and do what you can to track her down.  You never know what's going on with her so make the focus HER and how she's doing.  Leave your wedding out of it for the time being.If the worst thing that happens is that she has a different dress, roll with it.  The important thing is that you find your friend.

banana468

Also, do you have other means of contacting her?  If she's fallen off the face of the earth, I'd try calling her mother, her employer, or anyone just to see what's going on.  There may be relationship issues or problems with the baby.  

stilettos_and_sippys

I did call her mom (she's been living with her) She told me she's fine and she happy but thinks it's strange that she's not talking to me. The only thing left to do is go to her house and I don't want to do that... that feels too intrusive... she obviously doesnt want me around so I'd never just show up unannounced.

bablingbrooke

That's what I've been saying to you since last night: Put the wedding aside and focus on the friendship. The friendship is far more important.

mbcdefg

I've been sobbing reading everything you all have said. Sweetie, if you're "sobbing" over a message board, then you REALLY need to loosen up. Otherwise you're going to be a wreck when people give you constructive criticism in real life. (And if you're crying over this advice, then I think that, deep down, you know that the people posting here are right.)And for what it's worth, I'm a Christian as well. I don't get why you think that has any bearing on the advice you're getting, though. If nearly every person in this thread is telling you to stop worrying about a dress and programs, and start paying more attention to your friend, then doesn't that mean anything to you?