Too many times to let it go?

carynlg

So, my college roommate, who I lived with for 3 years, has known she would be a bridesmaid since before I was even engaged.  However, since my FI and I have been engaged, she and I have been on the outs several times, which is very unusual for us.  I hate to fight with my friends, so after a few days of her giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment I would do my best to make peace with her.  This last time, I feel like she may have gone too far.  We just moved out of a house we had been sharing.  I did some laundry and hung it up to dry on hangers.  I come back, and she tells me that she thought I didn't want the clothes (I don't know why, because they were very nice clothes) so she gave them away to the Salvation Army.  This was a couple hundred dollars worth of clothing.  I quickly went to the nearest store and managed to hunt up a bag of my clothes.  When I got back to the house, she gave me more of my clothes that she said she had "found" and then proceeded to tell me that because I always hang my clothes up on a drying rack, it was logical to think I didn't want them, and so it was all my fault.  I know it sounds outrageous, and my parents who were there helping me move were totally blown away by her unwillingness to even apologize.  While I was frustrated by having to hunt up all my expensive clothes, I became furious at her attitude, especially considering that she gets very angry if any of her stuff is touched so I was always very respectful of that.  She already has her bridesmaid dress and my wedding isn't until June, but honestly I am not willing to make peace with her after the way she behaved.  I had decided that if she would apologize I would reconsider, but she has made no effort to do so and now I just don't care about making up with her.  I don't really know how to handle the situation, so any advice would be wonderful.

ffmaid

Sounds liek something is wrong with her. Has something happened depression or something she might need actual help

BelhurstBride

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume there's another side to this story and that you both need to grow up.

bablingbrooke

I definitely wouldn't want someone like this in my life or my wedding. There's something off about her.

carynlg

Maybe we do need to grow up.  Or maybe my friend should act like she cares when she costs me hundreds of dollars in clothes.  I haven't decided which, I guess.  The point is, roommates have to follow certain rules or things can get very ugly, which is something I have learned during my years in college.  If a roommate breaks a rule, she should apologize and do what she can to fix things.  Living together can ruin friendships over things that might seem childish but that you expect to remain sacred within your home, such as your things remaining in your possession.  People who have roommates can back me up on this.  More importantly, she was my friend, and I have always been the peacemaker when we had conflicts because I wanted to preserve our friendship.  I would have been perfectly willing to make up with her if she had apologized or helped me get my stuff back, but when a friend disrespects your relationship it hurts, and if our friendship doesn't matter to her I'm not willing to make the effort anymore.

BelhurstBride

What happened to make her angry enough with you to give away your clothes?

banana468

Even if you don't want to stay friends, be honest rather than assume she owes you something.  Say, "It really hurt that you assumed I didn't want the clothing when that's never how the rules of the home were before.  It made me feel like you were throwing my things away to spite me.  Have I done anything that's made you upset?"   I'd try to talk to her before just booting her.

laurening

Friends fight and have problems just like any other relationship. You've always given in too easily and now you resent her for it. If you're good friends try to work it out and don't blame her entirely and "not care about making up with her" just because you've let her get away with crummy behavior in the past. Stand up to her (without being overly hostile) and try to fix the friendship. If the friendship has suffered since your engagement, maybe she's having a hard time dealing with losing you or feels like you don't have time for her anymore. The clothes thing is pretty bizarre and makes it obvious that there are underlying issues here. Try to work on those before completely giving up on her. Good luck.

carynlg

I don't know, which is why I feel so blindsided.  I have not had a chance to hang out with her much recently, but I am a senior with a double major, applying to law schools, and planning a wedding, so I haven't had a chance to hang out with anyone much.  She had informed me earlier that she would be giving things to the Salvation Army if I didn't want anything, but I assumed that she would only take the things I bagged and put with the rest of the donations, instead of laundry I had hung up.  I didn't get angry with her when she gave them away, I just called her to find out when she dropped them off and what they were in.  I definitely didn't expect to go back to the house and have her be angry at me.  The only thing I can think of is that she broke up with her serious boyfriend of 2 years shortly after I became engaged and is a little jealous, because we have had many fights since then, which is definitely not our norm.

duckie1905

If I had to guess this is her way of telling you (passive aggressive style) that she feels like you are ignoring her.I'm not saying that you are doing it on purpose but put yourself in her shoes.  You were her roommate and very good friend.  Now, you are busy with school and busy with wedding planning and busy with your FI but all that busy amounts to no time with her and she probably feels slighted and ignored by you.  Actually, she probably feels like you have flat-out abandoned her.I understand being busy, and she didn't express her feelings in a very healthy way, but it sounds like you might need to put a little more into the friendship.If you want to end the friendship then, by all means, kick her out.  But, I think this friendship deserves a chance.

tinydancer842

Totally agree with Retread here. When I read this I was thinking "holy cr*p I've had people do shitty things to me, but never steal my property". That is NOT what a friend does. I would consider moving out and/or getting her help if you think she's unstable.

carynlg

Thank you everyone!  Her recent severe mood swings and extreme behavior probably do mean that she needs some help.  It's not something I want to worry about during my wedding planning, and especially on my wedding day, so I feel okay about asking her to step down.  You all have been a huge help.

dianenjnj

cut her off...tell her she can sell the dress on e bay!