How to choose without hurting anyone

eskimo26

My fiance and I would like a small wedding party. Ideally I would have 2 bridesmaids, 3 at most. I want to choose the righ people to stand up in our wedding, without hurting anybody's feelings. We don't want to use siblings (even though we have been in their weddings) because there are too many and we don't want to have to choose which family are in the wedding party and which aren't. The same also goes for my friends. Part of me feels like I should ask the people who had me as a bridesmaid in their wedding. But part of me also wants to pick the friends I truly think will be the most willing and helpful and positive and who will bring the most joy to the day and who would really enjoy it. I just don't want to be rude and offend any friends or family by not asking them to be in my wedding party, even though I was in theirs. And I don't want to hurt any close friends who may expect to be asked. We just really want to keep it down to a small, intimate group. is there a way to include close friends in another way other than wedding party - like guests of honor or something? It's going to be an out of state wedding for all of my family and friends...my worry is that if I don't ask them to be in the wedding party, they won't be able to make it.

SarahPLiz

you are not obligated to reciprocate for those who have asked you to be in their wedding party. In fact, you can have as big or as small a WP as you want. YOu don't have to have one at all if you don't want to. Also, your wedding is not for 2 years. For the very reasons you can't decide now, you shouldnt pick your party until about 6 months out, because people and relationships can change a lot in that time. WHEN it is time to choose, choose the people you can't imagine NOT having up there with you and don't worry about the sides being even.

SarahPLiz

Also, if you think they won't show up if they arent in the wedding party, then you are assuming that they don't like you that much or won't make the effort. Don't underestimate your friends and family. If they con't care enough to be a guest and witness your ceremony, then you must not be close enough to have them as your WP.

ffmaid

wait!! Do not ask anyone for a while and not until 10 months before your wedding Then ask those who you love the most not those who you have been in their weddings and not those who you think will be your servents for the day just those that mean the most to you

nuremenosh

The best way to avoid hurt feelings is either by not having a wedding party, picking only a MOH and BM OR by choosing only family members so you can respond to inqueries with "It was so hard to choose so we limited it to family only".  But as PP said, you have a lot of time to decide this. By then you may decide you do want more people up there with you and this will be a moot point

megk8oz

I agree with the PPs that have said to wait a while before making any irreversible decisions. Once you ask somebody, you can't "un-ask" them ... well, you can ... but they probably will not be your friend anymore after that. You have plenty of time to consider this, so do think it over carefully. Do not ask somebody strictly because they had you in theirs. I actually have a friend that pretty much assumed I was going to have her because I was a BM in hers ... and she honestly was one of the last people I know I would have ever asked. Because I had a few friends to choose between, and also I knew there would be drama with the aforementioned friend if I chose any of them, and I had family in mind on top of that ... I found myself realizing if I tried to "not hurt anybody", I was going have like 10 BMs ... and I knew I didn't want that many. I wound up selecting my 2 sisters and FI's sister. FI is having my brother as a GM, we know that the sides can be mixed genders, but both my brother and his sister said that they felt more comfortable standing on the "traditional" side, which didn't bother us, so that's how it is. With the exception of 1 friend (The one I foresaw trouble with), everyone else was fine with the decision I made. They pretty much said "Its your wedding, do what makes you happy". Friends that truly love you will tell you the exact same thing. When the time comes to ask (I'm agreeing with waiting until you're about 8-10 months out), just think "Who can I absolutely not imagine not standing up for me?". Whoever immediately comes to mind (Be it 1 girl or 8 girls), that's who you ask. No worries. Trust your instincts. Best Wishes!

CTGirl30

I think it's very sweet of you that you're so concerned about other people's feelings. 1. Do wait until you are closer to your wedding (I asked my girls within the past 2 weeks so I was a little under 8 months). 2. Wedding parties are not tit for tat. Just b/c someone had you in her wedding, it doesn't mean she's expecting to be in yours or you must have her in yours. 3. Most people are understanding and mature and won't have a fit or stomp their feet (and if they do, hopefully they'll do it privately and then recompose themselves).  Maybe try to have a little more faith in your friends & family, too - your friends & family love you and will most likely try very hard to be there if they can to support your wedding, even if it's an out of state one. If they cannot for budget or other reasons, then try to understand that it's not a slight against you but a personal situation that's going to prevent them from attending.4. When the time comes, just follow your heart and think about the people who are near & dear to you and whom you couldn't imagine getting married without having by your side. That's what matters most (not numbers, not even sides, not if you were in her wedding, etc).

jamalina

I would wait a while before you ask anyone! I have 5 sisters & 2 brothers & some close friends. My fiance has alot of friends. We are getting married in Feb. ...Well we got so excited after we got engaged, we asked EVERYONE - family & friends. I have 12 bridesmaids & he has 13 groomsmen! We didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings & we really wanted everyone to be apart of our day. WELL... now we have to get bigger limos, more bouquets...more of everything! A big wedding party adds on a big expense. I am very happy that I have so many special people in my life & it's going to be an amazing day!! BUT if I could go back, I would just have my 5 sisters & call it a day. Everyone else who is in my wedding party will be at my wedding regardless if they're in the wedding or not. So..chose wisely & don't ask anyone until you are 100% sure! I don't think you should feel obligated to ask someone bc you were in their wedding. But that's up to you.

tiffspff

My wedding was out of state for people too.  And the people that I'm closest to went out of their way to make it to my wedding.  Many of them told me, they wouldn't miss it for anything.  So if these people are your closest friends, they will be there no matter what.  With the exception of people not being able to travel for financial reasons, which would also probably keep them out of your wedding party too.  List to the other posters, ask the people who you are closest to and who you can't imagine not having stand up with you.  And please wait until closer to your wedding.

eskimo26

Thank you all for all your help and suggestions!

tlc828

yea everyone is right, dont pick your party yet. its way too early. I am only having one person on each side, this way nobody really gets hurt.   everyone knows ppl have one best friend or whatever, so I am not worried about hurting ppl. and my moh knows who she is, but shes like a sister to me so its just natural to pick her the BM doesnt know who he is yet... anyway  just hold off on choosing anyone.

Lanyer

I agree with the people who posted before. I have no sisters but many close friends. When I made my decision on BMs some were hurt but they were able to talk to me about it and they got over it and can't wait for the wedding! I thought of who I really wanted to stand with me and people who would contribute positively to the wedding rather than take away from the experience with their own drama.I did have one friend who I have known since I was 6 months old (if you can even know people when you are that young) and when she found out she was not a bridesmaid she stopped speaking to me and refuses to attend the wedding. This same individual responded to the news of my engagement by requesting NOT to be in the wedding but I was supposed to read her mind and understand this meant she was dying to be a bridesmaid. My mom made the point that this type of behavior is exactally why she was not choosen and of course because she said she didn't want to do it. Sorry so long my point is people who truly love you will understand your decision, if they feel hurt they will get over it because they love you. The people who will be thrilled for your happiness as a guest or an attendent are the people to choose. Please wait though, I had a long engagement and it was so tempting to ask those close to me so they could share in the exicitement more but really waiting is best.

kaynix21

From what I've gathered, I think I saw someone say your wedding wasn't for two years....just wait then! My wedding isn't for about eight months and I'm waiting a little bit on asking one of them...I have two locked in, but one is a bit flakey and we haven't been close over the last few months. A lot might change with my friends and such in the next month or two, so I have some time to wait.I'm doing the same thing with my guest list. We have limited space, and our relationships with friends might change in the next six months when I send out invites. Do what you have to do now, but some things you can wait on to make a better decision.This is you and your day and your FH. Do what you want, who you feel will support your relationship and is best to be standing there next to you. Don't pick someone because you feel obligated.