Flower Girl Issue

NeptunesViolin

So here's my story/problem.  I asked my cousin if her son and older daughter could be in my wedding as a flower girl and ring bearer.  I specifically said them by name.  I did not ask if her youngest daughter could be in the wedding bc at 3 I feel she is too young.  So flash forward to trying on dresses.  First, we get to the salon and I have a specific dress I want her to try.  Out of the blue, my cousin asked if she could get her youngest the same dress.  I was taken back and thought it really strange but she is my cousin, so I told her she could but I made it clear that only her older daughter is a flower girl.  Now, it's one week before my wedding.  I give her a call and tell her that I picked up a gift for her middle child, got a basket and a headpiece if she'd like to use it.  After everything I say, she asks me if I got the same thing for her younger daughter.  Of course, I said no considering she's NOT a flower girl.  She doesn't get a basket, she doesn't get the flower girl gift, and she doesn't get a headpiece (these I ordered online, I cannot get another one in time, even if I tried).  Then she tells me she wants her younger daughter to walk with her kids bc she wants pictures of it.  Inside, I'm livid bc her youngest is still not a flower girl.I also need to say that we asked FI's little cousin if she too wanted to be a flower girl, so we were supposed to have 2.  I'm so ticked that my cousin is trying to muscle in her youngest but I'm afraid that to deny her little girl the chance to walk bc I've been told she's so excited and I don't want her to be upset.  This puts me in an extremely awkward situation bc if I put my foot down and be firm saying the little one can't be in it, I look like the bad guy.  Also, I don't want to take away from FI's little cousin.  As of now, I'm telling my cousin that her youngest can walk, but I can't get the same basket in time and I'm not getting a headpiece (mainly bc I can't).  Has anyone else dealt with such a rude family member pushing what they want on you?

sunflowerbride5

Wow, that sucks! I'm having my cousin's oldest daughter as my flower girl, but not her youngest as I agree with you - 3 years is just too little. I can't even imagine that she'd try and pull something like this - your wedding is not a photo opp for her family! Crikey, the nerve. She can take photos at the wedding without the youngest being in the actual ceremony, can't she? I wouldn't stress about getting her the basket/headpiece. She's really too young to know what to do with a basket anyway. Just let her walk, I'm sure she'll be adorable, and then she can go sit with mom for the rest of the ceremony. You shouldn't be forced into spending extra money on the props for her though, in my opinion. Sounds like your cousin could either use an etiquette class or a dictionary!

RockChickPiXie

I think 3 is old enough to be a flower girl, although it totally depends on the child.  Though the majority of the 3yr olds I've known would have been more than capable of walking down an aisle and scattering flower petals. For the sake of family harmony you should probably just suck it up and let the other kid walk.

blackfire5th

I think you are going with the best solution of just letting walk but not going out of your way to get all the bells and whistles. We didn't even have DH 4 year old cousin in the wedding, simply because he is unpredictable. I do think it's hilarious how she wasn't concerned that her daughter would feel left out, but that she wanted a photo shoot.

kmmssg

She can take pictures of them herself.  I say stand your ground.  You have been clear the whole time.  So what if she is upset?  She is out of line.

banana468

Ditto kmmssg.  "There will be tons of time for pictures after the ceremony but only the FG and RB will be walking down the aisle."Even a 3 yo is tempermental and really can't be counted on to be behaved enough to be in the wedding.  Cousin needs to understand what NO means.

trix1223

I'm with kmm on this one. You've made it abundantly clear from the beginning that the 3 year old was NOT in the WP. (I wouldn't have acquiesced to the request that she get the same dress too, but that ship has left the dock.) Your cousin can have plenty of photos of the girls together after the ceremony. She can even recreate "fake" walking down the aisle photos if she must. But her little one should NOT be walking down the aisle. This mom has been presumptious and pushy, and you shouldn't have to change what you wanted to placate an overzealous mommy.

NeptunesViolin

Thank you guys for all the advice.  Hindsight is such an awful thing.  If I knew what I knew now, I wouldn't have let her get the same dress for her youngest.  But it's already happened and I can't go back.I hate that I have to suck it up and deal with it but I don't want to be the one responsible for upsetting her daughter on my wedding day.  I even suggested she just share the basket with her older daughter and I was told they'd fight over it.  I felt like saying, "well maybe if you would teach your kids to share this wouldn't be an issue."  In the scheme of things, this really isn't that big of a deal, just more of an annoyance.  My guests are going to be confused bc it has 2 flower girls listed in the program but 3 little girls are walking down the aisle. 

megk8oz

I'm a tad late, but I'm ditto-ing everybody who said hold your ground on this. You made it clear you didn't want her in it. Honestly, it really doesn't matter how old she is, or if she is an exceptional 3-year-old who flawlessly obeys all commands. You. Didn't. Ask. Her. Therefore, your cousin needs to respect your decision and take all the pictures she wants of the 3 of them before and after the ceremony. During, she will need to accept that it will only be the older 2. Best of Luck!

dsouldiva

but I don't want to be the one responsible for upsetting her daughter on my wedding dayShe 3, they are used to being told what they can and can't do! The only person you will be upsetting by saying NO is your manipulative, rude, cousin-zilla!

dsouldiva

*she's 3"where's the edit button when you need one!PS I agree 3 is TOO YOUNG!

megk8oz

Also wanting to point this out: the 3 year old will not remember whether or not she was in your wedding. There is an excellent chance she won't even remember GOING to your wedding. This just some personal entitlement crap all on your cousin's part. I'm not saying your wedding is "all about you" ... but I am saying its NOT "all about HER". Not that that's really advice. But I'm just throwing that out there.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Meh. I was a flower girl at age 2 and then again at age 3. But my mom was worried the first time if I would even want to walk down the aisle, so I understand your concern.You cousin is the one who is excited about this/making her daughter excited about this. The 3 year old wouldn't know what a flower girl was otherwise. Just tell her you can take pictures afterwards.

mm45737

up to you if you want to stand your ground or not. i agree, i would be a little annoyed. i had 4 little girls in my wedding party- 2, 3, 4, and 5. they all did fantastic and everyone loved them, so I dont think 3 is too young, i think it depends on the kid. good luck

Simply Fated

I think it depends on the age of the kid, personally. I have known 3 year olds that could have handled the position better than some 10 year olds. Ya never know with kids. They're predictable at at any age... from 1 years old to 100 years old.The thing is, you didn't ask the parents about the 3 year old... you asked them about the older kid and that was the agreement.I think, judging by your post and comments, that even if you had requested them to not by the matching dress for the 3 year old, they might have done so, anyway. It is clear to me, from what you have told us, that they were looking to get both of their daughters into the wedding party from the get-go. Oh, they never intended to let you really say no to them when it came to letting their 3 year old walk down the aisle with her big sis.I say, stand your ground. The three year old won't even remember this... I doubt she even knows whats really going on, despite what this mother has told you.