Need some advice

Peachblossom51

Now I am not looking to fire any bridesmaids, in fact I am looking to save one, and I need some advice. My FI's 21 (yes old enough to not act like a baby) is demanding we drop his " soon " to be ex- girlfriend from my side of the wedding. He says we are making it awkward to have her there. And they aren't even broken up yet...I don't really think his if feeling awkward should be a huge consideration , especially since they don't have to stand, walk, or even be next to each other. However, the issue has gotten so far out of hand. He has taken it to his super opinionated mother and now my FI's side of the family is creating much drama and have gone so far as to tell her she has no business being in the wedding if she isn't dating my FI's little brother. I keep telling my BM we like her no matter what and she is part of the wedding, but FI's brother and mother are making it so dramatic! My FI even told them, we are NOT changing the wedding party 87 days before the wedding just to make his brother happy. YAY for FI support! However...his brother and mother won't let it go. It's becoming incrediably uncomfortable. Any ideas as to what I can say or do to help get them off our backs...it seems as though being rational isn't going to work. I just don't want to have drama on our wedding day...or for the next 3 months!!!!

ffmaid

I'm sorry they are being jerks. If you are friends with GF then of course she stays. Particularly since FBIL has not broken up with her yet.Honestly I hope she dumps him for being such a jerk. You however are a doll for standing by your friends. To FBIL and FMIL " I'm sorry you feel that way. Have you tried the bean dip?" If they continue to harp repeat the same sentance word for word. In other words make it clear that it is not open for discussion. FYI this is even more effective if there is no bean dip in the area

aerinpegadrak

Stop talking about the wedding with them altogether, except to keep them on a strictly need-to-know basis.  If they bring her up, say something non-committal and change the subject and don't let him change it back.  For instance:Brother:  I won't be there if she's going to be there!You:  Mm-hmm.  Have you tried the bean dip?Brother: I'm serious!You: It's quite delicious.  Very creamy.

mbcdefg

Try not to bring up the wedding around them, because that will just bring up this topic. Just keep saying, "FI and I want her in the wedding and that's final," and then change the subject or walk away. However - not to get into your business, but - did she do something awful to your FI's brother? If she cheated on him or stole from him or something, then I can understand why your in-laws might be miffed that you're keeping her in the wedding, because it might come across as you supporting her actions and not supporting your FBIL. But if it's just a case of their relationship going nowhere, or FBIL getting tired of her ... then, they need to deal with it. Tell them to ignore her on the wedding day if they have that big a problem with her. Better yet, let your FI deal with his own family.

bablingbrooke

Ditto MBC. And good on your FI for taking your side in this, which he should. Tell them that you won't be kicking her out of the wedding and if they feel this strongly, they are welcome not to come. That ought to shut them up. Just out of curiosity: Does the BM in question even want to be in it anymore since the family hates her this much?

Peachblossom51

Nope no cheating. She just tried to get him to put her in his schedule and he's not really willing to. He in fact told us he doesn't need anybody, he's fine being single.I love the bean dip...haha. The sad thing is I refuse to bring up wedding stuff at all around his mother because she's so opininated and thinks her family is number one and that she needs to be in control. So bringing it up is easy on my end, but on hers - no chance. I am so bad with confrontation so I am glad you ladies have already said to change the subject and just stick to it. I needed some reinforcement. 

Peachblossom51

She does, she very much loves me and my FI and wants to be there to support us. But she also doesn't want to be the family's new black sheep. All women are evil to FI's mother's little boys...

CTGirl30

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, sticking by your friend. Drama like that sucks but it's really good that your FI is sticking with you on this position of refusing to blow up your WP because of drama within it from one of the GM.   Some people just thrive on drama and it sounds like FMIL and FBIL are 2 of those ppl...Just stick to your guns, stick up for your BM, and stay out of the insanity as much as you can from now until the wedding. Sorry you're going through this.

gingerthebasicemt

I don't have much to add except, LISTEN TO THEIR ADVICE! I promise it works. I have and still do bean dip the helll out of FI's Grandma (she's very pushy and manipulative, I won't stand for it, neither does FI).

LarissaAnn

I'm wondering why she doesn't figure she & the guy have broken up if he & his family are telling her she's got no business being in the wedding. But that's besides the point. You guys are doing the right thing; stick to your guns. And if you need some muscle, give FMIL my number. I'll tell her what's what.

megk8oz

Sounds to me like FI's fam has no legit reason for you to get rid of this girl. If she's a good friend, then I wouldn't cave on this. It just doesn't seem like there's a real reason other than FBIL is just immature and so is FMIL. I rarely tell bride's to play this card, but in truth: it's your day, too! I wouldn't go whining to the FILs with this arguement, but every time they get you stressed, just silently remind yourself that this is the right thing to do. As for how to deal with the FILs: Bean dip, bean dip, bean dip! Omg, this has stopped me from blowing up at a BSC friend when she tried to force her way into my BP (Long story), stopped me from getting into a fight with my grandma over the guest list (She wanted me to invite family that I don't even know, even though FI and I are paying for the whole thing ourselves), stopped me from murdering my mother over the favors (She didn't like what we picked and has since not missed a chance to try and talk me out of them) ... Bean dip is magical. It skirts awkward moments, difuses potential arguements, salvages relationships, and in some cases saves lives (And prevents brides-to-be from ending up trying to plead insanity).

banana468

Ditto Bean Dip.MAJOR BEAN DIP.If either of them say to you that the GF can't be in the wedding then it's up to BOTH you and your FI to say, "Oh that's just not going to happen.  She's going to stay in the wedding.  Have you tried the bean dip?"And if they persist:  "So what do you think of Chipotle chilis in the dip?"

Simply Fated

I'm with LarissaAnn on this one....if the brother hasn't broken up with her, yet, wasn't she a little confused as to why they would say to her "she has no business being in the wedding if she isn't dating my FI's little brother."Something isn't right there.But, what ever.... If the brother and his mother and the rest of the family thinks it might be awkward for HIM, then HE can remove himself from the awkward situation like an adult. It's not HIS wedding, it's yours and your fiance's... you guys get to make the decisions, not the brother and his super opinionated mom.

Peachblossom51

Thanks Girls! I am now a major fan of the bean dip I used it tonight at the FIL's. Actually for two things FMIL's rant about how she didn't get to finalize her side of the families guest list (too late we mailed them! haha!) and 2nd for the "Why is she still in the wedding!?" To answer your question about the if they are already broken up - the problem is they aren't officially yet - they are in a "complicated" relationship. Trying to work on the issues - but FBIL has decided to tell everyone that come Friday he will most likely be single. I say she dump him first, she deserves better!Bean dip is my new hero. I have never seen FMIL's face look so stunned. She couldn't even change the topic, in fact she said - you are eating pizza, we have no bean dip!You ladies are fantastic!

LarissaAnn

OMG, that is freakin' awesome!

bablingbrooke

She couldn't even change the topic, in fact she said - you are eating pizza, we have no bean dip! LOL. Love it. Glad it worked out for you! Now FMIL can focus on you hallucinating about non-existent bean dip rather than the presence of this BM!

LarissaAnn

I can just hear it.... "Um, son... we need to talk. Are you sure marrying this girl is the right thing for you? Not only is she defying your obnoxious little brother by having his perfectly nice soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend whom he hasn't had the spine to actually break up with in her bridal party, the b!tch, but now she's hallucinating side dishes that I'm not even serving! I don't think you should be marrying a delusional eater who's also got the gall to have a mind of her own and not kowtow to my orders!"

mizu22

Don't change it. Tell him to grow up....and explain why you are not catering to his request. It will be ok!!

Septwedding09

They are being extremely rude and inconsiderate, especially when you were extremely nice to include your FI's brother's gf (you didn't have to!).  You would be damned if you did, damned if you didn't.  If they did stick together and you didn't include her, it would be "oh, so sad so and so is not in the wedding, she is going to be so lonely that day, blah blah." I agree...stick to the bean dip. For that matter, don't share any details of the day with them.

Lanyer

Love that you actually used the bean dip! Looks like you figured out what to do about FMIL. As for FBIL I would tell him if he is upset or uncomfortable he can leave the wedding party. I had two friends in 1st grade who hated each other, whenever they asked who my best friend was I replied "whoever doesn't make me choose". If FBIL understands the option isn't getting rid of her or else, it is getting rid of him or making no changes maybe he'll grow up. If not he will probably at least shut-up. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with people like that.

jasmineschwartz

TOTALLY AGREE WITH BEAN DIP IDEA. She is completely spot on. It's hard though, i know i'm a total pushover but it's not worth it to let yourself be involved in this. Sounds you are marrying into a SUPER petty family. Sorry :-( Unless they are paying for ALL of the wedding screw em. And I agree you are awesome for sticking by her. IT'S your party after all. GL

laurenmbride

TOTALLY adopting this bean dip idea thingy.  Can't wait to put it to good use.Have you tried the bean dip?  AHAHAHA.

megana911

The MOST important thing to remember is that this is supposed to be YOUR day.. Not anyone elses. If you still want her in the wedding party then so be it! Who cares? My best friend had a similar circumstance at her wedding and they just switched who walked down the isle with who so that the broken up couple did not walk together. See if that's an option, but don't be upset about your fiance's mother giving your a hard time. it's your wedding day and don't forget that!! You choose your bridesmaid's no one else makes that choice!

banana468

The MOST important thing to remember is that this is supposed to be YOUR day.. Not anyone elses.FALSE.

jbelle18

how is the idea that your wedding day is not your day false?!

banana468

It's false that it's their day and no one else's day. They're involving others so it's not just what they want. That said, I do agree that she should stick to her guns...and the bean dip.

Peachblossom51

Banana - I stuck to my guns! And I bean dipped her into oblivion.Now the best part is she asked my FI if she could make me some bean dip since I seem to want some so badly the other night, hahahahaaha

bablingbrooke

Now the best part is she asked my FI if she could make me some bean dip since I seem to want some so badly the other night, hahahahaaha LOL, you'll never be bored in this family.

Peachblossom51

BablingBrooke-  You are 100% correct. I can't even make up some of the things they say or do. I feel a future of entertainment and bean dip. haha

jenn_t784

I agree with everyone! lol knowing the way I am if one of my GM started acting that way i would say "well it sucks that you cant be man enough to be cordial in a wedding and deal with the fact that people that you dont like will be around you at all times. If you cant deal with it then maybe you shouldnt be in the wedding" Of course thats me being a jerk and you should totally stick with what all the other ladies are telling....hooray for bean dip!

petrab

Fortunately, at 47 (yes second marriage..first time around much too young), I am not faced with this drama.You and your fiance should sit his Mother, brother and the ex-girlfriend down for a serious talk. Strongly remind them that this is Your and your fiance's day. I don't understand when you mentioned that they 'aren't broken up yet', yet he can't stand the site of her(?).Anyhow, you and your fiance are making a life for yourselves, no one else. Put your foot down on all the bullying. If someone can't behave themselves..then they don't attend. Yes, that even goes for Mom. Trust me, she'll behave.