How to say no to a BM politely?

BJsGirl827

My boyfriend's (no, we're not engaged yet, but WE have decided on a date and started planning) sister has always said she wants to be a BM. However, bf and I really don't want her to be for a few reasons..1) She does NOT take very good care of herself, and as horrible as this sounds, WE don't want that in our pictures that WE will be paying bucks for.2) We hardly ever see her because she spends all her time cooped up in her controlling relationship.I'm not asking if you think we should include her in the wedding. I'm asking, how do you tell a person no, without being out of line? I don't want to ask her to take better care of herself, because that is JUST AS RUDE as telling her no for the reasons we already have. =/

aerinpegadrak

If neither of you want her in the wedding, just don't ask her.  However, two things:1) You're stuck with family forever.  Weddings can create family drama that takes years to heal, if it ever does.  If she really wants to be in the wedding that badly, it might not be worth the difficulty to fight her on it.2) Don't tell her that she's NOT a bridesmaid unless she asks.  That's just really mean.Honestly, I'm sure she can clean up for one day.  If you're that concerned about it, pay for her hair and makeup.

mbcdefg

If you've set a date and are planning a wedding together, then you're engaged and he's your fiance. But anyway ... since your wedding isn't until at least June 2011, put this off for now. Just say, "We're not even thinking of a wedding party right now." And follow through on that ... do NOT ask anyone to be a bridesmaid or groomsman at this point. That should come about 10 months before your wedding, or even later than that. There is ZERO need to ask your wedding party members now, especially since you said you don't even consider yourselves to be engaged yet. Repeat this as necessary until about 10 months before your wedding. If at that time you still do not want her in your wedding party, come back here and ask this question again. However ... if the main reasons you do not want her as a bridesmaid is that she doesn't take care of herself and that she's in a controlling relationship, then refusing to have her as a BM is the LEAST of your worries right now. What you SHOULD be concerned with is how to help her get back on the right track. Not worrying about a wedding that's over a year away, especially when you don't even think you're engaged yet.

bablingbrooke

Tell her that you haven't thought that far ahead yet. Don't ask anyone until you're at the year mark or less. It sounds like she's either got a mental health issue (hygiene) or the abusive and controlling relationship is taking its toll on her (not mutually exclusive). You need to put the wedding aside and focus on helping your friend. Frankly, saying that she can't take care of herself and is in an abusive relationship followed by "WE don't want that in our pictures that WE will be paying bucks for" is pretty callous and comes across as selfish and uncaring. I know that's not what you mean but be aware of that. Focus on your priorities: Your FSIL's health and well-being trumps pictures, especially this far in advance.

Leah&Christian09

You're still not engaged? Didn't you propose to him back in 2008? Your FSIL is going to be in your photos regardless of whether she's a BM or not. Wait until 6-9 months before the wedding to select WP. At that point, if you decide that you don't want to include her, don't ask her. Be prepared for a lot of drama and hurt feelings on his side of the family.

bablingbrooke

Leah, is there a backstory here?

banana468

For now, don't even think about the BP yet.Wait until you're under a year away and THEN think about the BP.  To do anything or even think about that right now will only make you worry needlessly.

BJsGirl827

I appreciate the replies. I don't want to make excuses, but I should have mentioned that she has left this relationship and her whole family has tried to get her some help, but she refuses help. She makes excuses for her bf and says everything is fine, that he is loving and caring. He is not very caring if he encourages her NOT to get down to a healthy weight.She refuses to work. She moved in with her parents a few times in an attempt to leave her bf, but the minute her parents tell her she needs to get a job, she flies back to her bf where she does not have to work.She is a nice girl, she really is, but how can she get any better if she doesn't get help? She has refused and is in major denial that anything is wrong. =/Btw, I am not asking people to be in the bridal party yet, as that would be way too strange right now. She has just always been persistent about that. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but we can't both win, because without help, she won't fit the dresses I like. I know a lot of brides are letting their party pick their own dresses, but I want all the dresses to match. I've seen weddings where the girls all wear different styles, but the same color, and I don't care for that.I know I am coming across rude, and I don't mean to. But it IS mine and bf's day afterall, and I only plan on doing this once. A marriage is suppose to be forever, and I plan on making mine last that long.

aerinpegadrak

Wait, is this a hygiene issue, or a weight issue?  If it's a weight issue, any sympathy I had for you is completely gone.

BJsGirl827

Yes, I did propose to him in 2008. He declined because he wasn't ready yet and HE wants to be the one to propose. Whatever. I laid off, and now he is ready to propose, but when you have a house and other payments, and are sensible about not getting yourself into debt, a ring is a bit to save up for (even though I want a small stone).

bablingbrooke

Yes, it is your day. But frankly your day is 2 years away. How about put the wedding on the back burner and deal with this girl who will be your SIL in 2 years? Try to get her help? Putting this all through the prism of your wedding makes you sound selfish. And frankly you're nowhere near crossing this bridge.

BJsGirl827

aerin, its a little of both. She does have bad hygiene. I have never been in her house, but I have seen pictures, via myspace and its quite disgusting.

Leah&Christian09

Oh yeah. I just read her previous posts for a blast from the past. I'm convinced she's a troll. As best as I can remember, she was pining away on NEY or somewhere b/c he wouldn't propose. I think she was planning the wedding anyway, b/c she was on May 09 for a little bit. Eventually, she proposed to him and he turned her down. She's like 20 and doesn't want to wait until she graduates because then she'd be like 27 when she had kids, and that's just entirely too old. So they were TTC, but she moved out.

Leah&Christian09

If you can't save enough for a ring in all these years, how are you going to pay for a wedding?

BJsGirl827

The first time I met his sister was at the fair when we happened to bump into her 2 years ago. Most people would shower atleast before going out into the public world. That day her hair was very greasy and she was in definite need of a shower.Either way she is going to be hurt whether I tell her no, or ask her to take better care of herself.

bablingbrooke

Damn, I guess that makes me over the hill. Don't plan a wedding until he proposes. He doesn't sound like he's entirely on board with getting married, if Leah's version of events is accurate. Remember that a wedding is a party that does not require 2 years to plan.

BJsGirl827

No, she's not 'entirely' accurate. I did move out because of stressful roommates. I am 23, not 20, and what do you mean by graduate? Graduate what? Oh you mean growing up? Riiight. Because I love my man and want to get married to him and I just knew, I need to grow up. 10-4 Roger Wilco.AND, I chose 2009 because the knot makes you pick a date when you sign up. But since I left the site and didn't come back til well after that date had passed I chose a new one. One that this time WILL be our wedding day (providing the venues will be available.. if not then it will be the 11th).

Leah&Christian09

Brooke, I copied the summary from here: http://talk.theknot.com/boards/main_frame.aspx?page=showpost.aspx?postid=58020792 My memory isn't that good

banana468

The issue right now is not your wedding. AT ALL.If this sister's well-being is in jeopardy then focus on her.  And if she keeps asking about being a BM, deflect.However remember that:1) Being engaged is not about the ring - or getting the stone you want.2) It's important that the two of you are on the same page all the time.  If you're not engaged because HE has opted to not yet propose then don't plan.  Trust me on this.  He's not ready if it's up to him to propose.3) When the time comes to plan, once he's proposed and you're ready to budget THEN worry about BMs.4) It's not OK to mention personal cleaning habits to your BMs.  Ever. 

aerinpegadrak

Thank you for posting that, Leah.  I was in need of some good "last hour of work" entertainment.

Leah&Christian09

No, graduate. From college.

brndmrkl

I'll be half way to 29 when I get married and we aren't planning kids for another 3-5 years so we can spend some quality time together. (We're all about being selfish right now.) I am NOT too old.

Kati0105

If you are real, you are an incredibly self-absorbed and immature person who needs to get her priorities in check.  I can understand why your boyfriend would be reluctant to marry someone who would so quickly cast aside his sister out of a shallow desire to have pretty princess wedding photos.  Grow up and stop viewing other people as dolls.

banana468

LADIES: Respond and argue with the poster's responses.  Don't make personal attacks on the OP or Retread and I will have to delete your responses!

bablingbrooke

Okay so I just read your saga. I'm going to give you some advice based on a good friend of mine. She has been in a relationship w/ her BF for 6+ years. She is going to be 30 soon. He keeps assuring her he wants marriage, children, etc. But first it was "let me get my PhD". Well, he got it. Then it was "let me get my post-doc." He got it. Now it's "let me get a real job" which will be 2 years away. How much you wanna bet it'll be "let me get tenure"? The guy claims he wants it, and she believes him, but the reality is if he wanted to marry her, he would have. If a guy doesn't propose, he's just not that into you. Pushing a guy to propose and PLANNING A WEDDING before he's proposed is a good way to scare him away from doing so. My friend keeps pushing her BF to propose. He keeps making up crazy excuses like "every time you ask me I ditch my plan and it takes me 4 months to come up with a new one." I sometimes think she ruined any chances of marrying this guy she may have had by pushing him to propose. Anyway, just my two cents. There is much more to life than getting married. And I, for one, believe that marriage is much more fulfilling when you've had some life experience. You have more developed ideas on raising children, spending money, education, retirement, religion, politics, everything. You're better at compromising. You have perspective on what is and isn't important. I could go on and on. To wax extremely corny and cliche: Marriage should be a step in your life journey, not the destination.

SarahPLiz

Listen to Brooke. She knows what she is talking about. I was cooped up in a controlling relationship for 6 years, and had my friends and family totally abandoned me during that time, I might still be there. It only take one person and one moment in time to say AH HA, and start the steps to correcting that situatoin. You or FI may be that person, at that moment, but probably not if you are being rude and uncaring towards her. If you don't want her in the wedding, then don't put her in the wedding, but the fact that you even thought of these reasons and posted them here makes you rude. If you and/or your FI aren't close to her, then that is reason enough to not have her in your WP. You don't need to be hateful about it.

BJsGirl827

I do believe that reason 2..2) We hardly ever see her because she spends all her time cooped up in her controlling relationship...is a good reason not to have her in the wedding party. I mean would any of you want someone in your wedding who you never really see?Ok, so reason 1 is pretty rude. I admit that. I am being selfish about it and being that its ONE DAY, and suppose to be the best day of my life as it will be the first day of the rest of our lives together, I feel I am entitled to have things the way I want them. I am NOT going to do something though that Brian doesn't agree on. Brian has agreed that HE HIMSELF does not want his sister in it.Anyway, I do appreciate the advice, whether it was nice or otherwise. I mean hey I'm being rude about the situation so.. fire with fire right?

ootmother2

I'm leaning to agreement with Kati here.

BJsGirl827

Not to mention, the few times we did hang out together at the mall or wherever, she showed up wearing a t-shirt too small for her with her stomach hanging out the bottom, and her pants falling off her behind. I'm sure you all would be thrilled to have a girl like that in your WP huh?Anyway, my question was how do you say no? I didn't come here to be told I'm being rude. I already know its 'rude' and 'selfish'. But we're paying for it ourselves, so I think I have that right.

Simply Fated

I'm sorry, I'm confused about something.... if you have a wedding date set... AND you have begun planning for that date... then, aren't you engaged? Why would you set a date and start planning for it without even being engaged yet?Maybe instead of worrying about your FSIL, you could instead focus on working on your future with your boyfriend? I think that might be time better spent.

BJsGirl827

"If you are real, you are an incredibly self-absorbed and immature person who needs to get her priorities in check. I can understand why your boyfriend would be reluctant to marry someone who would so quickly cast aside his sister out of a shallow desire to have pretty princess wedding photos. Grow up and stop viewing other people as dolls."1) Yes I am real.2) I am not 'quickly casting her aside' by myself. Brian is in agreement.3) I'm sure you'd be singing a different tune if it were YOUR wedding and you were paying for the photos yourself. I don't want my expensive photos to sit in an album because of her inability to take care of herself. Her family and I have tried multiple times to help her. She just makes excuses. We tried encouraging her with kind words and advice. She just won't listen. It's called denial for a reason.