Sister Drama

Amivy06

My sister is 19, almost 20 and really immature. She has already declared herself my MOH without talking to me. I had been planning on asking my BF to be my MOH for a few reasons. First, my sister is planning on being in New York to do City Year the entire 10 months before my wedding. Therefore, she will not be available to help with all of the big things like putting invitations together, running errands, etc. My BF will be around and doing all of that. Second, my sister is not very reliable and I do not like asking her to do things because they will not get done. I have tried numerous times to rebuild trust in her, and more often than not, she destroys that trust. To top it off, she has already gone to my BF, behind my back, and told her that they should split the duties. My BF agreed with her thinking that I had made them both MOH's. I didn't find out about this until I was talking to my mom about something related to BM's and MOH's and my sister said that she and my BF had already worked out that they were going to be sharing the duties. On top of all of that, my sister has decided that to tell me what I can and cannot dress her in. "This dress/color is hideous. You seriously cannot go with that for your wedding. I will never speak to you if you do." I have half a mind to tell my sister she will not be involved in any way at this point, but I know that will create a ton of family drama. Any advice?

gottahavashorti

Your sister sounds a tiny bit on the dramatic side, but what's wrong with her doing City Year?  AmeriCorps does some good things.  MOHs and BMs don't have required duties, and your FI can help you with things like invitations and errands.  If your friend and sister have offered to do these things, that's great.Honestly, asking about dress preferences isn't a bad idea.  Not saying she has to choose the color, formality, length, etc. but do you want her to be unhappy in and spend a lot of money on a dress she hates?  Are some of the colors or styles you're considering ones that don't look good on her?  The dresses that initially caught my were my own style and what worked for my body, not my BMs'.

emilykathleen511

I would just choose them both as MOHs to avoid unnecessary drama. But. It's up to you. Just remember that the only thing you should expect from your MOHs and Bridesmaids is to buy a dress and show up on the day of the wedding in said dress to walk down the aisle and smile for pictures. So, if you choose them both, please don't get all upset if your sister isn't helping with things that are really yours to do.

mbcdefg

I think YOU are the one who's really immature here. Your wedding is over a year away. It was not wise to pick your attendants now. But since you've already jumped the gun, that advice won't help you now. Your MOH and BMs are not obligated to do a thing for your wedding, except get their dresses and stand up for you during the ceremony. That is IT. Anything else that they may volunteer to do is great, but the key word is VOLUNTEER. It's very bridezilla to expect them to put together your invitations and run errands for you. Seriously, take a step back and think about how self-entitled this sounds on your part: Therefore, she will not be available to help with all of the big things like putting invitations together, running errands, etc. My BF will be around and doing all of that. span>... your wedding doesn't automatically make you special enough where you are entitled to boss people around and expect them to do your grunt work. So get that idea out of your head ASAP before you lose all your friends. If I were your BM and came here to read this, I'm promptly quit your bridal party and our friendship.If your sister has offered to share some work with your MOH, then what the heck are you complaining about? First you whine that she won't do anything for you, and now you complain that she has OFFERED to do stuff for you? There seems to be no pleasing you, is there?Since you asked for advice, here it is: pick people to be your bridesmaids because you LOVE them, not because of what they will be able to do for you. Because otherwise people are going to think of you as a spoiled brat.

bablingbrooke

Simple solution: Don't expect your sister to do things. You can ask, but if she says no, let it go. Moving out of state is not a reason to not ask someone to be MOH. That's hardly a crime. Especially to do something like City Year. MOH ≠ wedding planner. MOH = closest person to you. Sorry but it's not fair to expect someone to put her life on hold for the year prior to your wedding. I realize you didn't say that, but that's how it's coming across. It's just one day. Ignore when she makes stupid comments like "This dress is hideous" and stuff like that. Let it roll off your back and move on. Just like you would in any other situation w/ her. My sister was my MOH and was absolutely horrible. Her not helping was the least of my problems. I still had a wonderful wedding and you will too. Don't kick her out; you WILL cause family drama and give her an excuse to bring it up at every. possible. opportunity. Think of this as buying yourself some family peace.

Simply Fated

You should choose the person who is closest to you, the person who you want up there standing closest to you on the day of your wedding...not the person who is able to run your errands for you.

dsouldiva

I will ignore obvious bride Faux-pas statements about duties, I'm sure the other ladies will set you straight.Reading between the lines, excuses aside, you don't like your sister enough to honor her with being MOH, you like your BF more (that's fine)You can choose your friends, you can't choose your family.  You CAN choose whoever you you want to be your MOH.  When you get around to asking people to be in your WP simply say to sis "it would mean the world to me if you would be my bridesmaid".  If she whines about wanting to be MOH, just say "I already asked my BFF", if your sis is going to be out of town for 10 months before the wedding be sure to pick you WP about 8 months out and at least then you don't have to listen to her whinge about it.MOH is just a title, you aren't excluding her by just asking her to be a BM, your MOH should be your closest female friend, for some people this is their sister, in your case it's not.

dsouldiva

apologies for typos!

tiffspff

The other wise ladies are right. Being a bridesmaid does not equate to being a wedding servant. They need to buy a dress and show up, anything else is going above and beyond and is VOLUNTEERED. You know your family best, if your sister is going to kick and scream for years into the future about not being a MOH, then it may be worth it to include her. At least she is open to being a co-MOH. Yes it was wrong of her to assume... but is excluding her really worth the family drama in the future?

caymans_christy

While it was wrong of your sister to assume that she is your MOH, I don't think that is the issue.  The issue is who are you closest to and who is going to be there for you on wour wedding day.  By that I don't mean who is going to be stuffing envelopes and tying bows on your favors, but who is going to be there, in the moment, happy for you and your FI?  Reading your post, it appears that the only reasons that you would not ask your sister to be your MOH is because she won't be there for you in the way that you would like in the months leading up to the wedding.  I would put that aside, you have plenty of time to get everything done.  Make your decision based on your overall relationships.It seems to me that the issues you described are normal sisterly bickering - especially if she is 19.  I wouldn't allow that to affect your decisions - she will be your sister forever.  Also, she might be the only one who is really willing to tell you that a specific dress style or color is not attractive...  Instead of getting upset, I would ask for an explanation of why she doesn't like your selections...  My mother didn't like my original choice of colors.  Instead of shutting down and pouting, I asked her why.  She had some great reasons and after going back and looking at photos I realized that she was right.

banana468

Please remember that there are no "duties" for any attendants other than to buy the dress and be ther eon the big day.  The rest, while traditional is not required.  Things like putting invitations together, running errands, and the planning aspects are for you to do with your FI.  If others offer it's great but it's certainly inappropriate to turn them into attendant requirements. It's not appropriate that your sister told you that she's going to be MOH.  If you didn't want her to be, it's fine to say, "Actually I was going to ask you to be a BM."  However it appears that the cat is out of the bag and to go back now would open a can of worms.  Instead, it's more than fine to have two MsOH.  Your BF and your sister can certainly assume the role together.When it comes to what the attendants do, what your sister did is actually not inappropriate.  If anything, it's EXACTLY what IS appropriate.  As it's not OK for you to tell them what to do aside from the dress and day of requirements, it's up to the bridal party to figure out all the extras that they would like to do without you.  If you do step in on any of that it can come across as micromanaging - and no one ever likes that.  If you want help with things like errands or invitations it's OK to ask for it but not OK to turn that into a requirement or shared duty.As for the dress - WAIT!!!!  You have almost two years until your wedding.  Begin looking a year or so from now (at the earliest).  And then, before you do, consult your attendants individually as to their budgets and any dress requirements.  Some people don't want to show too much of their bodies and that is their right that you need to respect.  Addtionally, if you're asking them to buy the dress then THEY need to like it as do you.  If there's no pleasing the attendant it's one thing but in most circumstances, level-headed women can come to an agreement on price, style and color that pleases all parties involved.For now, put any and all bridesmaid / wedding party activities on hold.  It's just not necessary to involve them at all at this point and doing so can do more harm than good.  You don't want your wedding to approach to find out that your closest friends and family are ready for your wedding to be "over" rather than "here".

paigeleg

I was also torn between my sister and my best friend for my moh. I felt as though my sister was immature and not responsible. If I asked her to help me with something I would be pushed to the back-burner because some of her friends would be more important. After weighing the pros and cons I decided to ask my best friend. My mom wasn't happy about it at first but she understands that it's my wedding and my decision and no drama really occurred.

duckie1905

Your post makes the honor of being your MOH less of an honor (which is what it is) and more of a title that has to be "earned" by performing chores. It is your job to plan your wedding. If you need help ask your FI. Additionally, I would hope that a gracious and kind bide would include their WP in the choosing of the dresses. The girls are the ones that have to wear them and live with how they look while in them. What your sister did was not terrible considering it seems like you didn't really seek her opinion before choosing her attire. I'm not saying they should get to pick their own (but that is always an option) but it would be a good idea to include them in picking them out so you are sure they feel and look their best. While it isn't proper of her to assign herself MOH she is probably thinking like us; that the honor of being your MOH is less dependent on what she'll do for you and more on relationships.

CTGirl30

Honestly, it sounds like your sister really WANTS to be a part of your wedding if she's thinking she's a MOH and discussing sharing duties with your best friend. A tiny bit presumptuous, yes, since you didn't actually ask her but this is really not the worst thing ever. I mean, how awful of your sister to want to help and be a part of your wedding! Your reasons for not wanting to ask her are a little skewed, IMO - okay, she's going to be in NYC for awhile up until the wedding but how does that affect you? Plenty of women have MOHs and BMs who live in another state (and some, in another country). Quite alot can be accomplished by phone & email. If you're looking for someone to run your errands and do chores for you in order to quality for MOH position, that's being a bit presumptuous (and a little out of line, as really - nobody has to do those things for you - wedding attendents are not your personal slaves. Being asked to be a MOH in a wedding is an honor, not a job description).Your little sister might be a bit unreliable, but she's also 19. Were you the most reliable person at that age? (Were any of us???)  I'd really think hard about the family dynamic here and whether it's worth the hurt that will most likely ensue if you exclude her from your WP altogether. Would it really be so terrible for her to be a co-MOH? Also, as stated by PPs, a gracious bride does take into consideration her BM's tastes when it comes to the dress and many offer their BMs a choice of several options or involve them somehow in the selection. These are your siblings and friends first - MOHs and BMs second...this is also along the same line as "your wedding is for one day, these relationships are for a lifetime"...

stina93446

If you don't want her to be your MOH, I'd tell her straight up. She sounds like the type of person that does that to you, so I see no reason why you can't lay the truth on her. BUT.....MOHS don't have jobs and don't have to help you. The only thing they have to do is buy the dress and show up. If you're picking your moh based on how much she'll help you, that's a pretty shiity reason. It sounds like you want your BF to be your MOH even without the halping issue, so like I said, nip your sis in the butt and tell her that she's either a bm or a guest. You know, she's not required to be in your WP because she's related to you. And if you're buying the dresses, she has to wear whatever you select, but if you are having them pay, you AT LEAST have to listen to what they like. They are, as you may know, paying around $200 or more for a dress they'll never wear again.

stina93446

Okay, wait a minute. I just read that your wedding is not for almost 2 years! Why did you pick your WP already?! Just hold off on the bms for now. You technically won't need to pick them and their dresses out until 7 months out from your wedding.

jewls261521

I just wanted to throw something out there. My sister (who just turned 18) is my MOH. She's also not the most reliable, and I was also torn between her and my best friend. But me not picking my sister would have caused a lot of unnecessary drama, not to mention it would have crushed her.I almost picked my best friend for the same reasons you mentioned. She is a lot more reliable and would have been better helping me and running errands and all that stuff. But after lurking here for a while, I learned that that's not why you choose someone as your MOH. You choose your MOH because you love her and you want her to be there when you get married. These ladies give great advice, and thanks to them, I didn't crush my sister's feelings and cause drama. If you're really not that close to your sister, then definitely have your best friend be your MOH. But if it's only a matter of her not being around to run your errands, that's not a very good reason not to choose her.

kpeteley

Umm did I read a different post - she didn't pick her bridal party - they assumed their positions, so jumping down posters throat for that means you didn't read. However, I agree with pp's about duties of MOH not being a reason to choose an MOH.  But it sounds like she is not that close with her sis and really wanted to ask BF to be MOH regardless of duties or locations.  2 years is a long time to be worrying about all this, so chill out and relax, you have plenty of time.  Since they are sharing duties (also assumed) and it sounds like you were torn anyway - just have 2 MOH's. 

mbcdefg

she didn't pick her bridal party - they assumed their positions, so jumping down posters throat for that means you didn't read.First off, if the OP asked her sister to be a bridesmaid (meaning that she asked her to be in the wedding party but not as MOH), she DID pick her own bridal party.If the OP didn't ask the sister to be in the wedding at all, and yet the sister is going around saying she's the MOH ... then the OP should've nipped that in the bud. And since it appears that the OP did not nip this in the bud, then letting her think that she's MOH is effectively saying that she can be MOH. And even if the sister was asked to be a bridesmaid and has offered to share the MOH "duties" with the actual MOH ... that still does not make the sister MOH. It means that the sister is nicely offering to help the MOH with some stuff. Planning parties and helping with wedding plans does not automatically make someone MOH. Unless the OP has specifically said to the sister, "You are not the MOH," then the OP is responsible for letting this go on. This whole situation is just ridiculous and immature, on all accounts.

kpeteley

"It was not wise to pick your attendants now. But since you've already jumped the gun, that advice won't help you now"Your words - but she didn't "pick" her attendants,  they assumed their positions.  We don't know how recent she found all this out, so maybe she is asking advise so she can set them straight. 

mbcdefg

Your words - but she didn't "pick" her attendants, they assumed their positions. We don't know how recent she found all this out, so maybe she is asking advise so she can set them straight. You're right, that's a fair assesment. Especially because she says "I had been planning on asking my BF to be my MOH for a few reasons," which suggests that she didn't ask them yet. I think OP can avoid a lot of problems by (a) not asking ANYONE to be in her wedding party more than about 10 months before the wedding, (b) not asking someone to be MOH based solely on what she's going to do as far as helping plan the wedding, and (c) not place expectations on her MOH and BMs (like how she says that she expects the best friend to be around to put invitations together and run errands).

kpeteley

I totally agree with you  

AlmostMrs.Munoz

I think you should be happy that she is so excited about being in your wedding. I think it was unfair that she presumed she would be in your WP (and your MOH!) but take a positive look at things, you have someone that WANTS to help you and is EXCITED about it! And don't stress about asking/not asking people this early. I know that some people think you should wait, which is probably true, but I totally understand getting excited about your wedding and wanting to include those around you! So whether you ask or they assumed, it doesn't really matter, do things at whatever pace you would like and whatever makes you happy! If you wanna ask your WP now and go shopping for BM dresses tomorrow, I say go right ahead, just be 100% certain about your choices so you don't change your mind before the big day :). Good luck and Happy Wedding!

bablingbrooke

Mrs. Munoz: While 99% of brides will have no problem asking their WP too early, I've seen too many problems come from asking too early to say that it doesn't matter. People change, friends drift apart, and the WP isn't excited for over a year. So if you want close people who are excited, wait awhile. You have noting to lose and everything to gain by doing so. Plus you avoid being the girl who comes on here and says "I asked my WP 6 months ago and we still have a year until the wedding and no one's excited for me! They aren't even planning the bach party or shower yet! Plus one of them has since started grad school and I never hear from her anymore!" And none of that was any sort of exaggeration.