When did this become okay?

baystateapple

I feel like there have been quite a few posts (not just on this board, but on others) asking "how to explain" to people why they're not invited/not in the WP/etc.I don't know if it's just me, but I was always raised to believe that asking questions like that was rude and inappropriate, and usually opened a whole can of worms.  Simply put, if you weren't asked, you probably don't want to know the reason why not.Am I off-base, or is this "demanding" of a place in the wedding still as rude and inappropriate as I always thought it was?

duckie1905

Yeah, its rude.But, keep in mind, the bride may not necessarily have had the question posed to her but may feel the need to explain her decision. I've had a bride explain to me why she didn't pick me as a BM before.  The problem?  I never asked why she didn't choose me (and was happy she didn't ask me).  Sometimes I think brides feel the need to point out that you weren't invited/asked/whatever and then explain the reason thinking that this will somehow smooth over some imaginary, in-their-head, problem.

gottahavashorti

It's rude, and I think it's about as awkward as asking whether you're in a wedding party.

banana468

It's definitely still rude.I think a lot of the questions are from the brides who feel guilty about not having someone in the WP and they're trying to come up with ways to justify the reasoning.I think this also can fall into two categories:1) Those who would have wanted to be in the WP but who understand that they're not.  The brides often feel guiltier about this category.2) Those who feel that they or that their child/spouse/dachsund should be in the WP and bulldoze the bride into a yes/no response.  In THIS category, the bride often needs to come up with some careful reasoning because the person won't let the matter drop.

megk8oz

I had a friend try to "force" her way in when she found out I hadn't picked her. I was in her wedding (Kill me) and she pretty much felt like I owed her ... gun to my head, I think I would have taken death over asking her because she was such a BZ and our friendship was incredibly strained at that point in time. Plus, from the moment I got engaged (I was alreardy in her WP at that point), she pretty much assumed I would ask her, so she began giving me "advice" (Meanwhile, I didn't even have date set yet ... my date wound up being over a year and a 1/2 after this point in time) ... which was really her telling me what she "wouldn't accept" in terms of being my BM: "I will go shopping with you. If I let you 'pick what you want' you'll be sticking me in something pink, poufy and ugly". Essentially, when the time came and a date was set, she asked who my BMs where, and I told her "My sister's and FI's sister". She got quiet for a second and then said "So you're not picking any of your friends?". Awkward! I wound up giving her the "Oh, well, I just couldn't ask EVERYBODY" line and thought I was done with it. Well, she didn't take that so kindly, and went so far as to book an appointment for the 2 of us at David's Bridal so she could "try things on" and "give me ideas" ... this was 2 days AFTER I told her all of my girls had ORDERED their dresses. The thing I never understood about all of her bizarre behavior (Which, it DID actually get stranger after that for a while), was in the begining she pretty much told me she was expecting me to be a bridezilla and that I had no taste (This is the same girl who stuck me in a mac 'n cheese orange dress after announcing to the entire BP "Nobody actually looks GOOD in the color orange). Like, why would she even WANT to be in my wedding thinking those things about me? I think pretty much with the exception of my sisters, I'd probably slightly RELIEVED if somebody didn't ask me, lol

baystateapple

Megk -- I was in a similar situation!  A girl whose wedding I was in kept asking "if and when" I got married if she would be a bridesmaid.  We hadn't been exceptionally close -- I was surprised when she asked me -- but after her wedding I made up my mind that there was no way that I was going to ask her...she was completely nuts BZ.  At least the dresses were nice -- I'll give her that -- but I found out the night before the wedding that she was already married (she'd eloped almost a YEAR prior and told nobody but one of the other BMs) and she was pregnant.  She had kept it a secret because her parents had told her multiple times that if she eloped there was no way they were paying for her huge expensive white wedding.  The only reason I was told?  So that I wouldn't let the secret slip by asking if I had to sign the marriage license.  She stopped being my friend a few months later...after I RSVP'd no to her baby shower because of a prior committment.  She didn't call or speak to me until she found out I was engaged.  I really don't know what to make of that...

megk8oz

Although, I've been thinking about it lately, and I'm pretty sure a big part of my friend going so incredibly crazy with me was when she got married 3 of her 5 BMs were engaged, and nobody "returned the favor". The one wound up breaking it off and I have no idea if she's dating again or not. The other had a date set and they started booking things, and they actually ASKED my friend to be a BM ... but then due to certain money circumstances, they wound up changing everything and are having a destination wedding with NO BP at all. And then there's me. I think I might have been her "last hope" at being a BM and she just really wanted to have the experience. Either way, somebody else can ask her, I really would have wound up saying things I couldn't un-say to this girl by now if I'd had her. It's much better this way, there's actually a chance our friendship could make a full recovery from HER wedding (Which was 2 summers ago ... yeah, if her H wasn't awesome, I probably never would have seen her again after that, lol).

bablingbrooke

Always was rude, always will be rude. I think there's just more exposure to it here (same with "bad" BMs) because boards like this don't really exist for you to gush about your WP but rather air out concerns.

Leah&Christian09

Still rude.  I'm starting to notice that a lot of people think that etiquette and good manners are old fashioned.  I blame it on that.

[Deleted User]

It's rude.

nvdmeulen

definitely rude and inappropriate. I never understand how people can just assume that they should be involved. I would never just assume that, I usually figure if I haven't been asked, it's not personal, I just wasn't asked.

leeshab1982

I have 8 close friends and we hang out as a group a lot.  We do holidays together and stuff like that.  I love them all, but only asked 4 of them to be BM.  I asked them all privately, not in front of any of the others who I didn't choose.  At a birthday party a while later, one of the girls confronted me and told me that her feelings were very hurt and that she fully expected to be asked to stand up in my wedding.  I was really caught off guard and just tried to tell her that it was nothing personal and that I just couldn't choose everyone.  She also threw in that another friend was pretty upset about not being asked, too.  She said she thinks I should have told her about my decision so that it wasn't such a shock for her to hear it from other people.  I had never heard of telling people that you DIDN'T choose them and the thought to do that never crossed my minnd.  I felt guilty that I hurt her feelings, but I also thought it was pretty ridiculous for her to assume she'd be asked and to call me out on it. 

stina93446

It's still rude. People are just not educated in this and/or don't care about manners.

jenn.daniel

It's rude. Granted, I always feel like I have to explain myself, so I'm coming up with something to say before I even ask my BMs: I chose these gals b/c I lived with them for so long, and Joyce has been a close friend since she was my neighbor freshman year. Clear-cut, no arguing. I don't think any of my friends will ask, but my mother is trying to get me to add someone who has not been a very reliable friend, and I'm going to use the line on my mom.

lilcassers

the only time i would find it okay to ask is if my best friend didn't ask me... at point I would wonder what gives. Usually the answer is that they have decided on family only. but besides that, I would just assume that we aren't that close.