Bridesmaid cheating on Groomsman

smithea7

Okay so here is the deal. My FI and I have been together 6 1/2 years (since my sr. yr of HS). All of my BMs are my roommates from college with the exception of one girl who I met through My FI. She has been with her BF for 8 years. I have been friends with her for almost 7 years and her BF is one of our groomsman. I found out a couple months ago that she was cheating on her BF. This is not the first time and in a previous time my FI and I said something to her BF. We ended up getting blamed for wanting to break them up and her BF took her side. Whatever...no big deal sometimes someone has to be thrown under the bus. Because of our past experiences we have chosen not to say anything to her BF. Now here is where the situation changes. She is no longer just cheating on him. She is having a full fledged affair and is considering leaving her BF. She lives with her BF and her BF's parents. She doesn't pay any rent and depends on his car for transportation to and from work. Her BF has recently said to me and my FI independently that he thinks she is cheating on him. He also suspects that she has been driving his card to rendevous with the other man who is like 50 (shes in her late 20s). The word also is that her BF's mom has heard about the "affair" which means its only a matter of time before it hits the fan. I know if he finds out the extent of the cheating that things are going to get really really ugly. She is my friend because her BF is one of my FI's best friends. Although I consider her a friend. Her BF is much more important to my FI that she is to me. I had never even considered having to kick out a member of the WP but my FI does not think there is a choice. He doesn't want me to give her any info about the BM dresses because he doesn't want this all blowing up and us having to ask her to step down. I just don't know how to handle this. My 5 other BMs are my college roomies and they all talk on a weekly basis. The cheater is already kind of the the odd girl out but my roomies all know her and do their best to include her. I would love to hear everyone's advice on this situation. I personally don't want to boot her but I also want our wedding day to be about my FI and I, not her and her BF having a screamfest.

bablingbrooke

Don't don't don't don't don't get involved in this. It's none of your business, as abhorrent as you find it. DH and I have a mutual friend who cheated on his wife and while we both abhor what he did, it's not our place to meddle. This is THEIR private life. If you want to end the friendship, end the friendship. But this is not your FI's call, and he needs to butt out too. He can support his friend but that doesn't extend to him dictating who can be in your WP. Don't do anything unless you're 100% okay with the consequences.

emilykathleen511

I would think that if the Sh*t hit the fan that the girl would take herself out of the wedding party, no?

aerinpegadrak

Well, if you don't give her the information about the dress, you're basically kicking her out, since buying the dress is really her only duty as a bridesmaid.If this is something you're willing to end the friendship over, end the friendship.  If the friendship is over, naturally she won't be in the wedding.  (For the record, if I knew that one of my friends was having an affair, I would probably distance myself from them.)  If you don't want to lose the friendship, then try to work things out, and hope that she and her BF can act like mature adults at the wedding.In all your dealings with your BMs, keep your friendship in mind first and the wedding in mind second.  That should avert any potential drama.

megk8oz

I think that you need to stay out of the "affair" business, because that really is between the gf and bf and they need to deal with this. As far as your WP goes, I will say what I always say "If you have no problem never speaking to this person again, boot away", because there is always a chance that is what will happen when you do such a thing. Although, I really can't imagine that this girl would WANT to be in the WP after this inevitably blows up.

LarissaAnn

Yet again, I'm with Stage on this sort of issue. I have zero tolerance on this subject.

MrsCanes511

Personally, if I were being cheated on, and two of my very good friends knew about it and never told me, I would be very hurt and they most likely would no longer be my friends once I found out! I agree with the no tolerance issue. Of course while you dont want to get in the middle of it, he is after all your friend, and is being completely run over by this girl!

sgstraub

Well at least you've learned a lesson previously by telling her BF about her cheating. I lost my very best friend over this type of thing -- it is best to stay out of it. I think you should just let the situation play out on its own. I agree with previous posts, if/when this all blows up she will remove herself from the wedding. If you kick her out now, you risk causing a fight with your GM/her BF and then you could ruin GM and FIs friendship. You can't very well kick her out of the WP before her BF finds out she's cheating. Afterwards, I would expect her to disappear from your social circle.

MrsCanes511

stage- good point. I forgot about that part of it.But now that he has made comments about him thinking she is cheating now, does that imply that he wants to know ya think?

banana468

Since it sounds like she's clued you into this affair, (please correct me if I'm wrong,) then tell her point blank, "I refuse to be involved in this anymore and I can't support what you're doing to your BF.  If you don't tell him by X date then you're putting me in the position of having to tell him."This isn't just people talking behind his back.  His health is on the line here.  Normally I advise to stay out but not when he no longer can trust his live in GF.And well, I wouldn't want to be friends with the type of person who cheats repeatedly.  It doesn't sound like he's a verbally abusive guy and she's met someone who finally listened.

duckie1905

Normally, if she was a first time offender, I would give a gal the benefit of the doubt.  I cheated on my ex-FI and while I agree that it was a horrible thing to do I don't think that makes me a horrible person.With that being said, if she is a serial cheater and has made it clear that she can't keep it in her pants long enough to hold down a relationship, it would be a friendship ending crime so I wouldn't care about kicking her out the WP.

smithea7

Just to clarify...we are only not telling him because of what happend last time. To be more specific about the previous experience her BF mentioned to me that she had been hiding her phone from him. I told her BF that he needed to look into her relationship with a certain individual who she was texting constantly (including inappropriate pictures--I left that part out when talking to the BF). Which I am not sure why she shared this information with me knowing my relationship with her BF. She then road with the person from a bar to a party because there apparently wasn't room in the same car her BF was riding in. She got lost with the guy for like two hours in an area she has lived her whole life. After all the stories about this guy and all the crazieness I told her BF that he needed to look into it. I also for the record told her she needed to knock it off or break up with her BF since she was acting like she didn't care about him. The BF breaks up with her for a day and then she slimes her way back in. Somehow it all becomes my fault and I am a terrible person for trying to break them up. Because I have proven not to be a secret keeper when it comes to cheating she has not shared the information about this "affair" with me. One of our mutual friends filled me in because she knew that it could develop in a situation where it could change our WP dynamics. So as far as my BM goes I don't officially know. This situation is such a train wreck I figured it was only a matter of time before the "affair" situation comes to light. Don't worry girls....as soon as her BF finds out I don't think anyone will be seeing her much anymore. She is as nice as she can be to me but her BF will be our friend for the rest of our lives and after this there probably won't be room for both of them. Thanks for all of your advice it is sometimes hard to see clearly when you are too close to a situation.

jenn.daniel

She doesn't want you to know, and your bf wants to keep himself in the dark, so I say stay out of it. At this point, I'd offer her a comfortable way out: "we're going to order BM dresses soon, and I know finances are tight for you [that's what I'm guessing since she can't pay rent or own a car]. Would you rather have some other role in the wedding and not have to buy a new dress?" Don't specify a role, in case you want her entirely out,. This way you look considerate rather than actually kicking her out. Hopefully she sees the sh*t moving toward the fan and will welcome a way out.

nuremenosh

I think you need to speak to your bridesmaid about this. If she's close enough to you to be in your wedding, you're obviosuly close enough to have a frank discussion with her about this. Stress retread's position on the STDs - very bad news. Also, consider whether there is actually room in your friendship bucket for someone who treats another person like this. This is really cruel of her to be doing to him. I would have a hard time being friends with a person who appears to be so disloyal.

banana468

If you're ready to cut your ties with her say, "You need to leave him and tell him by X date or I will."Retread, I totally agree with you.  When life is on the line, you don't play, "Not my place to say."I'm not happy about those co-pays and return trips to the doctor's office to be checked out thanks to the jerk I dated.