My mom is driving me nuts, suggestions?!

lizziemoopsc

My parents are very nicely contributing to our wedding; in fact, they are paying for most of it. However, there are some things that FI and I would like to include that will bring it outside their budget. That is fine. We are not asking for more money from them, we are paying for it ourselves. However, my mom has taken to constantly telling me that we need to cut the guest list to stay "in budget" (meaning the one they set for us), and yet when we have offered other suggestions of things to cut (replacing a dessert course with cake) that is, apparently, "not the way to do it". I am incredibly frustrated with her in put and as much as I appreciate their generosity, I do not feel like it makes it her wedding. FI and I would be staying within our means and not be going into debt. Also, she was having a fit with the wedding colours we had chosen until she talked to one of her friends (who is doing our flowers) who then told her that the colours would be good together. My dad, on the other hand, has told us to do whatever we want, and as long as we don't go into debt it's our money. Am I in the wrong for wanting to keep the guest list and supplement the budget? How much do we need to listen to her since they are contributing substantially to the wedding? TIA!

mbcdefg

If they are helping to pay for your wedding then they deserve a fair amount of say. And while it is YOUR wedding, it's also reasonable that they should have some input as to how the day goes, if they're funding most of it. But in the end, if it's more trouble than it's worth, it may be best to politely decline their money and fund it yourself so that you can get exactly what you want. Even if that means cutting things back or postponing until you have more money. I think you need to sit down with your parents and get on the same page in regards to the budget. First off, thank them again for their generosity. Then ask them to clarify how they want their money used ... is it a gift that you can do whatever you want with? Or is it to be used for certain things (like the amount of people you can invite, the type of food you'll serve, etc.)? Ask them to name a few points that they do not want to compromise on, and then work from there as to what you're going to spend their money on. In regards to the little things that really aren't affected by the budget (your color scheme, the shoes you plan to wear, whatever), I would not bring it up with your mother so that she cannot argue with you. And if SHE brings it up, I'd do my best to be vague and change the subject. I've also found that it helps to have someone run interference  ... my younger sister has been QUITE helpful in helping me convince our mom that not all of my decisions are terrible. When I said I was wearing green shoes, Mom was horrified until Sis piped in and said that colored wedding shoes are all the rage now. When Mom was talking to Sis about how she was looking forward to the YMCA and the Electric Slide at my reception (things I've said before that I don't want), Sis convinced her that those dances are getting out of style and people prefer songs like "Sweet Caroline" and "Don't Stop Believing" as the "group dance" songs. So if you MUST talk wedding shop with your mom, perhaps a sister or a friend can be there to back you up at the same time.

lizziemoopsc

That's a great idea. My older sister got married a couple years ago, so hopefully she'll be able to do some of that, as she understands completely Thanks!

Licia&Wayne

My fiance and I are doing this as well. My mother and father decided between themselves (possibly the only time they have ever gotten along post-divorce) that they would throw in x-amount each and that's that. We've thrown in a little money that we had in savings to round out our budget. My mom has also gone crazy due to wedding. Is it possible that we're the same person?I think it might be beneficial to let your mom know that their financial support is wonderful and that you and fiance have decided on top of that to put in a little money as well to cover the full expenses.I would say, "Momlizziemoop, I appreciate your concern about the budget, especially since you've been so generous to help fund our wedding. We've decided that the guest list is something we just can't sacrifice so fi and I are adding a bit of money to our budget to make sure everyone is covered. Don't worry about it!"And I would just keep saying "Don't worry about it!" until you've beaten the crazy back.

lizziemoopsc

hahaha, that's awesome. Is there such a thing as momzilla? We are going to sit down as the four of us and discuss it completely, and hopefully that will clear the air. I guess I felt like I had already discussed these issues with her, but because it's not how she would do it, she keeps bringing it up. I really don't want to come off as ungrateful because they are being incredibly generous. Thanks and good luck to you!!

Licia&Wayne

Oh another thing that might help is you might want to try making wedding talk minimal with your mom. Talk about it when asked directly, but don't offer it up in conversation. It gives her less of an opportunity to drive you nuts.

jamalina

My sister had her wedding at my mom's house this summer. My sister & mom got into alot of fights. The wedding turned out to be beautiful! But, it was at my mom's house & she paid for most of it so therefore she wanted things done HER way or NO WAY! My fiance & I decided we wanted to have our wedding the way we want it. We have not asked my mother or his parents for a dime. I told my mom, all she has to do is show up! We are now having a winter wedding bc it's more affordable for us bc it's off season. She was upset about the weather being bad in Feb. I told her this is what we can afford & too bad. She shut her mouth! LOL She has no say bc she is not paying for anything. I think that's what it comes down to. If your parents are paying, I would just settle with what they want or do not accept their money. But, if you can make some compromises with them, that would be great!

ffmaid

Your folks have offered a very generous from the sounds of it gift to pay for your wedding. What that means is they get a huge say. If they are the ones paying for it they do get to say that they can afford X # of people and if they are not willing to cut dessert course in order to pay for more people you have three mature choices. Option 1. Only invite the number of people they are willing to host Option 2: pay for the people over the limit entirely yourself including the dessert course Option 3. Say that you very much but the strings on the gift are too much and you are very greatful but would like to decline their offer and will be hosting the entire reception yourselves and paying for it all yourselves. Your folks are paying for the reception if to them that means dessert course then you have no place saying that they should cut the dessert so that you can invite more people then they can afford.

lizziemoopsc

Thanks, ffmaid (and everyone who posted!) We are sitting down with them next week and asking what they want and what they are willing to compromise. I think having a list of what everyone wants, or needs, will help us decide which option to take. I'm hoping that they will let us supplement without rescinding their gift, so that way everybody can get what they want and we can all compromise and work together.

mambsb2011

i am having almost the opposite problem, financially. my mom has offered to contribute a nominal amount, when considering the total budget, and feels that she has a large say in the wedding plans. my fiance and i will likely be putting most of our savings collected until our april 2011 wedding into the affair, but she can't seem to cut people from the list, and is adamant that the people she is inviting are covered by her contribution. this means that her "contribution" is just for the people she wants there- not to mention that the guest list was inflated by almost 30 people as a result! i am totally frustrated, and i have approached different ideas- different venues, cocktail reception, etc, but she's barely willing to bend on her demands. help? i think i have a momzilla...

ktjanesmom

I think its a shame that parents offer to help fund a wedding and then expect to have all the say.  Too bad you cant tell your mom to stick her money and pay for it yourself.  

dojo1

You think your mom is bad?  My mom just hung up on me because I told her I was going to get fake nails put on for the wedding (I can't decide which is tackier - chewed off bitten nails or fake ones).

dorotheagoo

Do- jo - fake nails are tackier than chewed off bitten ones for sure - just file them down a bit and put on some clear polish.

rae19

My mom was initially driving me nuts - she wanted to discuss colors and options for mamogramming our napkins and what kind of flowers we would have before we even had a venue set! I printed out the "to do by this date" list and gave it to her.. seeing an expert list helped her realize every decision needs to be made a year in advance! Then we sat down together and decided the items I would plan and the items she could plan. She is so busy with finding as many ideas for flowers and tablescapes as she can that I've been able to work on the thing FI and I decided were important to us - venue, band and guest list. Try keeping mom busy, distraction works wonders! (It also helps to talk to dad privately if it's an option so he understands how stressed out mom makes you. My dad is an angel who listens to all her excitement and helps her to filter her ideas before they reach me)

Karyan30

SORRY FOR LONG POST! help!i kind of have a similar situation of than 2011..my parents made a really generous contribution and Im under the impression that my FIL thinks they are off the hook. we are a modern couple and we dont beleive in any of the traditions specially on this economy..that a bunch of bs if you ask me..my FI got laid off after not making much money for over a year..my parents are retired and so  are his but none of the familes are in bad shape financially and I would say they have equally comfortable lives. I came into this thinking that it would be OUR wedding not mine. He is as involved as i am in the planning (maybe more) and we have equal saying and we make every effort to involve our families equally asking for their opinions in everything although we would have the last word..having said that, my FIL wants to only contribute the rehersal dinner because that is the "tradition" or what corresponds to the groom's family even when we have said that we dont need it and what we need is for them to spend that money in paying certain specific items of the wedding that we cant cover with my parents money. Mind you, that contribution is paying reception (food, alcohol, venue) and ceremony so if you want to stick to "tradition" they have complied. But we really need the money for pics (good ones), video, extra entertainment. Those 3 things are minimal compared to the reception expense. Anyway, FI and I are paying for personal stuff (attire, make up, shoes etc etc that u girls know is not cheap, and invitations, favors. I dont know what to do. I cant really talk about it anymore with my MIL because I want to avoid argument, but if a hear "tradition" one more time im going to loose it! To me it seems extremely unfair specially because the majority of guests are on his side.My family is small and i only have a handful of friends that are mine, we have a buch in common. We have already cut half of the list (from 200-100) and as much as I keep looking I cant find something cheaper that is nice. I should also mention that I am from a different culture and country so if we go to "tradition" I should make them all fly to my country (where my parents could actually afford a grand wedding) and have the groom family pay for all the alcohol which over there is about 1/4 of the budget! because thats my "tradition" .Needless to say this subject is very touchy for me and I just dont know how to approach it anymore without sounding rude. I am saving for our house, so I dont want to touch those savings when I think they could do more. Obviously FI is no position to give more than wedding band and his own expense and they know it. We have showed them charts, budgets etc and they seem to act as expectators rather than attempting to take any responsibility because thats "the bride" issue. FI already asked exactly what we needed and is been a week, no response. Am I wrong? How should I resolve this?Also I dont want to hurt FI feelings talking about this although he agrees with me 100% that this should be divided equally. Thats the way we do everything

jazzycazy

My mum isn't paying for our wedding because I believe a wedding is about the couple, what they want and my mum and I don't share the same taste on anything. I think it should be a shared experience by the guests and family, but tastes are so different, we disagree on everything.Thankfully, it's our say at the end of the day.I spoke to a girl at work who literally said "I didn't like my wedding - the parents got involved and that was that" - imagine saying that?!!! I'd hate that and it's not going to happen!!xjcx

macorrea

I never understood people saying that if someone is paying for the wedding they get the final say. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. Of course, out of gratefulness you should take their opinions into consideration, HOWEVER, if they have offered to help you pay for your wedding it should be as a gift, not because they want to have the final say in how things are done. When people give you money for a birhtday, or even a wedding that doesn't give them a say in what you spend it on. When it comes down to it, it is still YOUR day and there's nothing wrong with kindly explaining that you are eternally grateful for their help but you want everything to feel special for YOU because, hopefully, you will only do this once.