Telling BMs who is MOH?

emilyinchile

I picked my BMs a couple months ago and asked my college roommate to be MOH. Since then we've had plenty of e-mails back and forth (I live in Chile, they're in the US) discussing general bridesmaid things like dresses and their flights, but it hasn't specifically been said that roommate is MOH.I don't really know if I should "do" anything about that. My 4th BM lives in Chile with me, and she already knows because she'd asked me if I knew who I was thinking about for the WP before I got engaged (not to ask if she was in it, she's a wedding photographer and likes to talk weddings). Really what I should have done when I asked was to say "would you please be a BM, X and Y are also BMs, and Z is MOH?" but of course in my excitement I just said "X, Y and Z are also BMs!"E-mailing my 2 high school friends who're BMs to say "FYI, college roommate is MOH" seems like saying "and you're not," which doesn't strike me as very nice. But it also feels weird to think of them showing up at the wedding and being shocked by the news - I don't want them to think it was a secret, and I don't want my MOH to feel like I had some reason for not telling the other BMs or that I didn't really want her to be MOH. I'm the first of my friends to get married, so we don't really have precedent for this in my circle.We don't talk all the time since I'm in Chile, so I don't know if it'll just come up in discussion naturally between now and then. I am probably TOTALLY overthinking all of this, but I figured some of you might have some good advice - I've lurked on this board long enough that I think I can take it

lizziemoopsc

Hmmm, that could definitely be an awkward email :-P. I suppose that if you are having your MOH wear a different dress you could send out an email saying, this is what I'm thinking about for you ladies, with Z, as MOH, wearing it in opposite colours or something like that. That way it's known but not really announced. HTH!

mbcdefg

I don't see the need to tell them. If they ask, you can say that College Roommate is MOH, but ideally that should not make a difference to them. All the MOH really "has" to do is stand next to you at the ceremony and hold your bouquet and all that jazz ... if someone else wishes to spearhead the bridal shower planning (if they want to throw you one), then they can work that out amongst themselves. I only have two BMs, my sister and a friend. I don't think I specifically asked my sister to be MOH, I just assume that she knows. And my friend said, "I'm guessing Sis will be MOH, right?" when I asked her if she'd like to be a BM, so there were no hurt feelings on her part.

emilykathleen511

I guess I don't see why it would be "shocking" when they show up and one of your friends is the MOH...could you explain that part to me?

Leah&Christian09

I don't see why they would really care.  Do you think they are going to be hurt that they are not MOH?  I wouldn't say anything about it unless any of them ask.  If they are far away and you don't talk a whole lot, I see why it wouldn't come up in conversation.

emilyinchile

Lizzie, yeah, all the same dresses, otherwise that would have been a good idea!Emily, I just think they might be surprised when no mention has been made of one of them being MOH and everything has been "the bridesmaids" without any distinction. I could be wrong, but if I were BM at one of their weddings and hadn't heard anyone was MOH I would think there wasn't one. If I then found out at the rehearsal dinner that someone was MOH I would find it a little odd that it hadn't been mentioned earlier.

bablingbrooke

I would hope that everyone is a mature adult and wouldn't care about such titles.

aerinpegadrak

Personally, I sent an early e-mail out to all of my BMs kind of introducing them to each other (since my sisters don't know my work friends).  In the email, I specified the MOH.  No fuss, no muss.

emilykathleen511

Hmm, maybe a little odd, but I would probably just roll with it...but maybe thats just me. I would just try to casually work it into a conversation about the wedding. Like, "I wonder if is planning on giving a toast since she is MOH...I'll have to remember to ask her about that" if you really feel the need to let them know ahead of time. I personally probably wouldn't say anything about it at this point.

emilyinchile

Leah, I don't think they'd necessarily be hurt they're not MOH, I actually think they might be more hurt by finding out last minute. One particularly is the type to take something like that as "why did you tell me, were you keeping it from me?" - silly little things like that can cause a second of hurt feelings.Aerin, that's what I wish I'd thought to do!Thanks for your thoughts, ladies...I think I'll be alert to any opportunity to mention it (like Emily mentioned) but not directly try to awkwardly create the chance to say something just to make sure they know.

Anon I. Mouse

Personally I would be relieved not to be asked to be MOH (and would probably turn it down anyway).I guess I think you are overthinking it.  I don't know why someone would be shocked (I would think they would figure it out by then that they were NOT the MOH) and I also don't know what the big deal is in telling them. Not everyone can be MOH. I think sometimes people spend way too much time worrying about others reactions to their own wants - it's your wedding, and if you are (I hope) mature enough to be getting married, it's time to also be mature enough to be honest with people.

banana468

Rather than say, "This is the MOH and you guys are just BMs," can you send out an informational email to the BP?Just say, "Hey I just wanted to keep you all in the loop since you don't know everyone.  Here is the contact information of all the ladies in case you need to get in touch with each other."And then go from there.  Eventually they'll want to know.  If I was the BM, I would want to do things for the bride but I wouldn't take charge.  Instead I'd run those plans by the MOH in case she has similar things planned.  

ffmaid

Why not just send an email Just to let everyone know who everyone else is I thought I would do brief introductions Lisa Simpson- MOH- Lisa and I were college roomates she is super into sax and likes jazz and literature. She is currently engaged to Millhouse and lives in springfield Smurfette- BM- Smurfette is a friend from 1st grade we have been friends for years and she is the reason I have a thing for smurfberries. She is living in the forest in a mushroom. Lucky gal often gets her choice of many smurfs but tends to date short guys. Miss Piggy- BM piggy is currently dating kermit the frog. Piggy is a huge fan of pearl and a bit of an extrovert we have also been friends since before I even started 1st grade. Piggy just recently bought her own flat on seasame street. that way you slip in the BM /MOH into what is really a bit of an introductions and passing everyones email and contact info around to one another.

emilyinchile

Banana and ffmaid, that would be a good idea except they all know each other except for my friend who's in Chile, and we've already sent various "wedding party" e-mails over the past couple months. I kind of missed the boat on the introductory e-mail idea and realized recently that it would have been the best way to do it.Anon. I Mouse, it's not a question of maturity or honesty. I would never lie to them, but to me there's plenty of grey area between lying and not sending someone an e-mail just to say "So-and-so is the MOH. FYI." But you're probably right that I'm worrying too much about what they might think or do.Again, thanks for the advice, for now I'll just hope that it happens to come up and that I'm overthinking things

banana468

What about the mass email with the groomsmen too?However is your MOH aware that she's the MOH??

emilyinchile

Ooh, banana, that's a good idea. The GMs only speak Spanish and one of the BMs only speaks English, but we could definitely do a bilingual e-mail as it gets closer. Thanks! See, this is why I trust in this board's advice :)MOH knows she's MOH. But since I'm in Chile/they're in the US there won't be any kind of shower/bach party, so she won't be doing any big MOH "duties" (no, I'm not expecting anything, don't worry!) that might clue in the the other BMs. I think the e-mail to everyone sounds like a plan, I just hadn't thought of it before because of the language issue.

tiffspff

We put all that information on our wedding website also. Just another idea, you can list the bridal party with a how you know them or a little story if you have a website.

Alley2b

I have 2 bridesmaids and one MOH (matron of honor since shes married) I asked her first, and then asked the other two later. When i asked the bridesmaids, i said, Brie is also a Bridesmaid, and Melissa is the MOH!. I don't think it will bother the other two that they are not MOH's. You probably spent the most time with your roommate, considering you lived with her. They probably wont be offended if you just bring it up during normal conversation. Dana