BM question

irishxmyst

Hey ladies, I could use some advice (and I promise not to delete the post if I don't like the answers :P).  This is probably an oft asked question, however I've browsed the board about 5 pages back and only found one marginally on topic so I thought I'd ask it for myself and any other brides in similar positions.  (this is sorta long...sry)Recently, one of my BMs said she had to drop out of the WP.  Her reasons (school related) are totally understandable, and although I'm bummed about it, its cool.So the question becomes to fill the spot with someone else or not?First off, I know WPs don't have to be symmetrical, so although I know the idea of symmetry is attractive to FI and myself, it would not be the reason for inviting someone else in.When FI and I were choosing our WP, there were a few other girls I would have liked to included, but I had to cut it off somewhere (bc we didn't want a huge wedding party), and now I see the chance to possibly honor another and show them how much I love our friendship and how thankful I am that they are so supportive of me and FI.This of course opens a whole can of worms.  My main concern is if I ask another friend, I don't want her to interpret my gesture as rude. (ie that I only want her to fill a spot bc I'm oh so superficial like that/she was on a "B list"/etc)  Because those negative suggestions aren't true and it isn't my intention to come off that way.I'm not even sure if the people I had in mind would think that.  First off, when FI and I were choosing our WP we kept things sort of quiet, so really the girls that aren't in the WP, I don't think even knew they had been thought of.  Secondly, my girls don't seem the type that would get bent out of shape over such a notion that we would deem petty (but then again I know weddings can render people irrational).If I decide to add someone in, its not like I'm itching to do it right away (ie this week), but probably in the next few months (certainly before BM dresses are ordered).  So I have some time to think about it, which is why I like to hear some perspective other than my own.I guess arguments for leaving the spot be are it may be seen as rude, and it may just be simpler to leave it be.I'm not even going to get into the other side of the issue which is, "if I choose to add someone, who would it be?" because that I can figure out myself.  But if anyone was curious, there's my cousin that I'm close to (who is going to do a reading but I can also ask her to be a BM), and also 3 friends, each of whom I've known for a few years.Thanks in advance for the advice!

emilykathleen511

This is an often asked question, amazingly enough (I am truly amazed that so many could be deleted that there wouldn't be any left!)I wouldn't ask anyone else. It is an honor to be a guest at the wedding, and even if the girl that you asked to be a bridesmaid didn't interpret her role as "replacement" other people will certainly think so. Additionally, that would be basically what she would be, whether or not you think of her that way. When it comes down to it, you would only be adding her because someone else dropped out, and she is the next best thing. Just leave the spot open and perhaps list your other friend as "honorary bridesmaid" since she has a good reason for not being there.P.S. Thanks for looking for a similar post, and thanks for leaving yours up for others!

blackfire5th

I think it is completely up to you. I am dead set against adding someone just to keep numbers even, but I also think it is okay to add people later that you have realized are important to you. Go ahead and sit down and really think about if you want any of these people in the party. If you decide no, then just leave everything as is. However, if you decide that you would have prefered to add someone in, then go ahead and talk to them. You can tell them that you are sorry for not including them at first and simply ask if they would like to be a part of it. Make sure if you do ask that it is soley because you want them there and not because the other bm dropped out. There is also no limit to the number of attendants you can have. I've seen weddings that have a TON of attendants, but I think it is completely okay if these are the people that you are very close to and who you just can't imagine not having them up there with you. I do believe that I am in the minority on this subject, but it is how I feel. Oh, and in case you want some real life experinece. I had a friend that just got married. A few months before the wedding she realized that she should have included a couple of ladies. She talked to them and both of them were excited to be a part of her day and happily accepted. So really you are the only one that knows your friends and knows if they should really be included or not.

blackfire5th

P.S. I love that photo of you and your FI, he looks like he is just so in love with you! So very cute! Oh and Go July Knotties!!

pakarufus

I agree with leaving the space as an "honor" to your friend.  My niece was supposed to be a BM but her bootcamp has been scheduled to begin 2 days before our wedding.  I am not replacing her.  I am putting a note in the program thanking her for serving our country.

stina93446

It would be a huge slight to the bm who had to drop out if you 'replaced' her. It is also not awesome to play second fiddle for a part that you didn't originally have. I'd have them just be guests and not worry about this anymore.

bablingbrooke

I would advocate not replacing her. It will come across that you just care about a number of bodies up at the front with you, rather than the specialness of the relationship. Even if that's not what you intend, and I know it's not what you intend. FWIW, my DH is one of *those* people who really, really, REALLY hates asymmetry, disorder, etc. I can't tell you how many "Sleeping with the Enemy" moments I've had where I leave a room and come back to find it all organized and symmetrical. Anyway, one of his GM dropped out and we had an uneven WP. He didn't notice or care the day of, and hasn't cared since. If anyone was going to freak out about it and count heads, it's him because he's OCD like that. So I assure you that even though the idea of asymmetry sounds good, it's very unimportant in the long run.

2BMrsMcW

I will second the non-replacement idea. I was asked to be a BM for someone that I was more of an acquaintence with rather than a friend. Although, she got in a fight with her MOH and essentially fired her and promoted another BM. She did tell me that she wished she had asked me in the first place. I felt like a couldn't say no, because she kind of viewed me as one of her closest friends, and the rest of her wedding party was family. But I kind of regretted it after all was said and done because I didn't get a chance to really know the other BMs and I felt like I was just a number to make her party even.

lalap69

I definitely understand your reasons, but unless you only recently asked the other members of your BP, I really don't think it's a good idea.  Whoever you ask now will probably feel like a replacement.A couple of years back, one of my friends got married.  She made several comments about how she wished she could have had me be a BM, but it would just be too hard with me living in another country, but if her sister dropped out, I could have her dress and be her BM!  I know she thought she was being sweet, but I kept wishing she would just shut up because it only made me feel like crap.I'm sure you wouldn't ask like that, but I think it would be hard to avoid making the new BM feel like a replacement.

duckie1905

In this case, unless you asked everyone recently, I would leave her spot unfilled.  The person you ask will know or feel like a replacement because you are 1. asking late and 2. Only after another BM dropped out.Normally I don't mind late additions unless they come after another BM leaves.  In that case it is pretty obvious, whether intentional or not, that the new BM is meant as a replacement.

irishxmyst

Thanks for all your advice, it gives me a lot to think about.  To follow up and clarify (and maybe play a little devil's advocate to some of your points [sry...its the inner lawyer in me, I rational and make decisions through debate :P])...@emilykathleen - I like the "honorary bm" idea for the program for my friend who dropped out.  Thanks!@blackfire - Thanks for the compliment on the pic.  A good friend of ours who is a photographer took it and its my favorite one I have of myself and FI.@stina - I understand what your saying about how a former bm might see adding someone else as a slight, but I don't think so in this case bc it was my bm herself that suggested it.  In fact, when she was telling me she could no longer be in the WP (since she got admitted into a super intense but awesome school program and probably won't be able to make the wedding at all) she said, "I just wanted to tell you now so there were no 'surprises' later on and so you have some time to add someone else if you wanted bc I know you had to make some hard choices when deciding WP."@2BMrsMcW - I do hear what your saying, but to counter your last point, if I chose to add a girl, I'm not sure if BP bonding would be much of an issue considering my bms are a "mixed bag" since they are the people I'm closest to, but most of them run in different groups.  My MOH is my best friend since HS (& currently lives 3 hrs away in boston), my sister is a bm and doesn't really hang with any of my friends (she's 19 and in college 5 hrs away in NY), 1 of my bms is a good friend that I met thru FI, 2 of my other bms are close friends and them and my MOH used to be close, but has since gone their separate ways (and in certain circumstances generally don't talk outside of wedding talk, a consequence of the past being filled with too much drama and alcohol), and the bm that is dropping out hung with me with several of the other bms in the past but never really sought them out on her own.  Additionally, we haven't done much as a BP yet (I did have one BP meeting with some (but not all) of the girls, but there hasn't been any dress shopping outings/dress decisions/nightmare-ish envelope licking sessions that I hear to much about/etc).  Plus due to everyone's schedules and distances (I myself am in NY during the week for school and home in CT for weekends and breaks), we will mostly be communicated via a google group with probably a couple of bm meetings (prolly @ my place) and outings as needed. So if I added another girl, it wouldn't be as if she was coming into a tight clique, or that much has been done before her.@retreadbride The thing is FI and I had asked our WP months ago.  We've actually been actively planning our wedding since August 2008 (we got engaged in June 2008), bc we knew this last year before the wedding, (since this past August) I'd be a first year in a law school, and during school I have little time to do anything non-school related (even my weekends are increasingly school related as finals are approaching).  So knowing this would be the situation, we've got a lot of planning out of the way earlier than what most couples do.  On the other hand, as of yet we haven't done much with our WP yet (as I mentioned above to 2BMrsMcW.I plan to take a little while and think about all this before doing anything.  I have spoken to FI a few times on the topic.  He seems to think that if I want to add someone and if it feels like the right thing to do, I should and he doesn't think our friends would see it as a slight.  But he also said if I was really concerned about it being interpreted as such, perhaps I should wait a few weeks/months and then revisit the topic and if I feel it's right to ask someone, then do it, and at that point (to him at least), it probably won't come off as a slight (bc if it was a "replacement" I would have done it right away after I found out my bm needed to drop) and would show more that I genuinely want that person to be in the WP.  Then again, he's a boy and sometimes girls are silly about these sorts of wedding-y things.Thanks again for all your advice.  It does help greatly.

VivaLaDiva405

Thank you so much for posting this. I just got the news that one of my BMs and closest friends is accepting an offer for a job in China - I'm so happy for her, and she so needs this, but I am now facing this issue of "should someone else be asked?" since she leaves in one month and my wedding is in three months. After reading the above, I am leaning heavily towards no replacement, and thanks to the Knottie who posted the suggestion of an "honorary" mention in the program. I love her dearly, and while I have 2 gals who would love (LOVE, I know it, it's not conceit) to be asked and would not feel slighted, I feel it's too late. My other best friend/BM has been there through all this and I don't want to thrust someone else into the mix who (1) is new to her or (2) lives on the other side of the country. Going to wait for about a week for making a final decision. Plus, they already have their dresses, it would take a small miracle and lots of cash to get another dress for either "new girl". Thanks again!

VivaLaDiva405

Agree = thanks StageManager :-) 100 days away now! GL with your situation irishxmyst! I'm sure all of it, all of OURS, will work out just fine...