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BM breaking my heart

so basically I dont know if I should keep one of my bestfriends of about ten years, as a bridesmaid. ... basically she vented to me about things that she always complains about, it's the way she vented that turned me off, cursing and talking about everyone in such an ugly way and yet she always goes back to them. i just know shes better than that but she's changed. well she started bashing on another person so i said "well this isn't the first time I've heard this one either hun" just trying to make a point by saying a fact. bad timing i guess, her bad day, but this is something very normally said among my family and friends, even her, who is known for her sassy attitude good and bad btw. she started calling me names which she hasnt done since we were kids, insulting me, making fun of me, and accusing me of saying things i never did. she said i'm critical and that friends arent supposed to be critical they are supposed to be unconditional and supportive. i disagree..i believe once in awhile you need a good slap in the face when you are being ugly or ignorant. for example im not the kind of person that supports a friend who goes back into unhealthy relationships, makes fun of innocent ppl, or do illegal activity. anyways the whole convo was her attacking me and me defending myself, it sucked. i made sure not to stoop low and call her names in return and blow up back at her. i did tell her i had no idea she would react to what i said like that and she said "come on seriously, really?" i tried to end it several times but she wouldn't quit. it freaked me out. i know she is going through problems that make her really negative but arent i the worst person to take it out on. and it happened on my birthday. well i told her i unintentionally hurt her but she intentionally hurt me w insults one after another and i was turning my phone off cause she was digging herself a deeper hole. the next day i had a little hope she would call and clear it up and we both apologize even though i know it would never be the same, in time to celebrate my bday maybe. she text to ask when i was off, i told her and she told me that message wasnt meant for me. that hurt real bad. well i haven't talked to her in a month or so when we usually talk every two days. and my heart is aching that she's acting like this. so im not the kind of person to demote someone, especially being good friends for along time. but im not sure if i want a bm up there with me that doesnt appreciate my friendship and who i am and doesnt care to dig themselves out of this mess. btw im about to pick dresses and they need to be ordered in about a 1-3 weeks, and she does know it.

Re: BM breaking my heart

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    It sounds like you are really upset about things not related to the wedding, but I will tell you what I think. Honestly, you can't kick out a bridesmaid unless you plan to never speak to that girl again. If you want this person as a friend after the wedding, she should rmain a bridesmaid. Think about this very hard before you make a decision like that. If someone tells you that she will just forgive and forget about being "outed" they are seriously mistaken. Pretty much, once you ask a person to be in your wedding party it is for better or for worse, unless you want to end the relationship. Plus, if you do kick her out, please don't replace her. It only adds inult to injury.
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    Don't think about this as a wedding issue.  Make a decision about your friendship.  If you choose to keep her in your life and try to work things out, she stays in your bridal party.  If you decide to end the friendship, it should be understood that she is no longer a bridesmaid.
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    Cliff Notes?
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    Essentially, you can boot somebody from your bridal party if that's what you feel is the best course of action to take.However, by doing so, you need to understand that there is an excellent chance that this person will never speak to you again, or if they do that your relationship will be drastically altered and strained by it.Only you can decide if not having her stand up at your wedding is worth not having her in your life ever again.

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    That's ok - Meg shares part of the brain now.  I'm going to just go with her answer.
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    Cliff Notes: OP and BM have fight.  BM throws insults and calls OP names.  Apologies made, but proceed to not talk.  Should OP demote BM?
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    I didn't actually make it through the whole thing.  Hopefully I didn't miss something vital in the middle.
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    Do not approach this as a bride-to-BM issue. Approach this as a friend-to-friend issue. If this sort of thing would have ended the friendship anyway, go ahead and kick her out. However, if you ordinarily would have worked through this, I would keep her in the wedding *for now*. It's clear that you're still upset and the wounds are still raw, even though you've made up. I know that I always, without exception, regret decisions I make when I'm this emotional. I'm sure you're no different. I recommend taking some time to cool off, really think about things, and then decide if you still want this girl in your life. Then think about the WP issue.
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    Yeah, Meg has all the brain tonight.  I really, really tried to get through that mess, but I couldn't.Based on cliff notes: If you want to salvage the relationship, don't kick her out.  If you don't care about the relationship, go ahead and kick her out, but expect some fall out from any mutual friends.  The bride kicking out the BM is pretty much always going to look like the bad guy. 
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    My understanding was that no apologies were made, that's just what the OP hoped would happen.Jade -I don't know when your wedding date is, but I don't think the BM issue is on you need to decide on right now.  This is a friendship issue, not a wedding one.  I think you need to decide how you feel about this friendship.  If you want to try to salvage it, call your friend and see if you can talk it out.And if she knows when dresses have to be ordered by and doesn't order hers, then she has effectively removed herself from the WP.
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    wow, sorry ladies for that being hard for yall to get through. I will make sure to use the enter key/cliffnotes if I ever post again. this is my first time posting on any kind of board and probably my last. But I will for sure spread the word to my friends if they ever want advice here. and yes lalap, apologies were never made. havent talked in about 5 weeks. will have to make decision about this friendship issue, not wedding issue, pretty soon in order to order dresses in time for wedding. i guess a little more time for thinking or seeing what happens. i do know i can never be BFs with her again even if she did apologize, but i still want to be friends/friendly. oh well, idk thanks for all the good points though ladies : )
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    Hitting the enter key a couple times would have made it a little easier to digest--a wall of text is always a bit hard to get through. Glad you've decided to think about it. Good luck!
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    Jade, unfortunately the formatting makes it a bit tough to read a paragraph.  Hit enter twice to separate and it just makes things easier to get through.This definitely doesn't look like a BM issue - it appears to be a friend issue.  The big thing here is do you want to stay friends with her and do you think she's always going to act this way?You say she was cussing and basically throwing a temper tantrum.  Is that new behavior for her?  Is there a deeper issue that's wrong with her?Only you know how you feel about her.  If you want to salvage the friendship then make the first move and say, "I need to let you know that your comments really hurt me and I miss the friendship that we had.  I hope we can smooth things over but I have to let you know that how you treated me on my birthday of all days was not OK."
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    Is there a deeper issue that's wrong with her?I'm really curious about what your friend might be struggling with?  Especially since you made these comments:basically she vented to me about things that she always complains about, it's the way she vented that turned me off, cursing and talking about everyone in such an ugly way and yet she always goes back to themand im not the kind of person that supports a friend who goes back into unhealthy relationships
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    I was kind of in a similar situation last spring, except I was the BM, not the bride.  There were a LOT of things going wrong with my life and I was hurting the people closest to me, a lot of times without even really knowing it.  i didn't insult my best friend straight out, but I said stuff that really upset her (and she never told me.. but that's a whole different story) in regards to everything, including her wedding.Point of story: she didn't bother to ask me if there was anything completely unrelated to her wedding going on, and assumed it was all related to her wedding and being a BM.  90% of it had nothing to do with it.  CALL her, and ask what's going on.
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