how to deal with telling people what..bm/moh

pigeonol

So lately i have not been very close to my two "best friends" since middle school. We came up to college together and everything but we just dont ever have time to get together. Plus- even though they will let me do what i want- they tend to speak their mind. We all met the same friends at school and lately i just have been sooo close to one of these new girls. I am having a deliema on what to say to everyone. I want the "new friend (i mean its been 4 years) to be my maid of honor and to be honest i dont no if i want both of the other two girls in it. They always talk about wanting to pick out their own dresses- and if i dont have them they will cry and think i am mean and thats not it at all! THey will also be mad if i make the new friend my maid of honor- and really i just hate problems and fights and dont no what to do! I am more of a "not so girly" type so they think i want this adivce...but i think a long deep colored dress for a winter wedding would be cute!  Is there some sort of code i should follow? Or should i just have them in it as bms and trust my moh to help me with telling them no when I want to. The thing is i am very much he person who does not care that much about little details i just want to be married but i would like to pick out the dresses.....

caymans_christy

You have two years, I would wait until 7-9 months out and decide at that time who is close to you.  It sounds like you are younger (early 20s?).  In two years, your friendships could change even more drastically.  Finishing college and starting careers really puts people in different places and can test and change friendships.  My BFF when I graduated from college and I had a gradual falling out the first year/year and a half after graduation - and we even moved to grad school together - lived next door to each other!  I just don't want you to regret selecting someone now, two years out from your wedding, when those friendships could still change more - new ones may pop up as well.  Don't tie yourself down to a WP yet.You could feel the same in two years as you do today, but what if you don't?  When it is time to ask your BMs/MOH, you will be picking the girls that you are closest to...  I have a friend that I have known since I was 1 mo old, and I am just not close enough to her anymore to ask her to be a BM; longevity =/= closest friend.PS - It is perfectly fine for you to pick out the dress for your WP, but make sure your girls (who ever they are) try the dress on.  What looks good online and in a catalog may not look good on everyone.  Keep an open mind.

bablingbrooke

Just send out an email introducing everyone, in which you mention that "Curly Sue" is MOH. No one rightfully lays a claim to MOH, you don't owe anyone any explanations, so please don't offer any! Take your time--wait until you have less than a year to go before your wedding before you actually ask anyone. Not only can things really change in the next year or so, no one, not even the best friends in the world, can stay excited that long. I mean let's face it, how excited have you ever been for a wedding a well over a year away? Hopefully everyone involved is a mature adult who can "handle" this sort of news.

megk8oz

Well, for starters: wait on asking. Seriously, do not ask until you are less than a year from the wedding like 6-8 months before. You do not need more time than this to order dresses (Usually it's even less time, but 6-8 months is a good buffer). You could absolutely hate all of these girls in 2 years. You could "re-click" with one of the old ones and only be "kinda close" with the new friend. You might make an even NEWER friend between now and then that blows all of these girls out of the water. And if any of those scenarios happen, you're stuck because "un-asking" and "demoting" are horrible things to do to people in your WP (And should only be done in the case of being completely okay with never speaking to this person ever again). I know that right now you're really excited and you want people that are going to "jump up and down" with you over everything, and waiting so long seems sucky. I really do know. I was engaged for over a year and a 1/2 before I picked my BP. And I'm glad I waited. Had I asked everybody that I initially thought of, I would have 7 BMs (as opposed to 3), and I wouldn't even want to speak to 2 of them right now. 1 of these ladies isn't even invited to my wedding. I stopped talking to her about 6 months into my engagement (And have not spoken to her since). But I waited, and I can honestly say being this close to my wedding, I have no regrets over the decisions I made and the friends that I'm still in contact with are invited as guests and all of them are fine with that (I had one not take it so well, but even she has come around on the decision). Best wishes!

BelhurstBride

Don't mention a word about the WP to anyone until sometime in 2011. So much can change between now and then and there's no reason to pick a WP over two years in advance.

LarissaAnn

Ditto on the waiting. Friendships wax and wane, and it's not unlikely you'll end up very close with these two again and will regret it if you jump the gun now and don't choose them. A couple of things, though: 1. You don't have to see friends every day for them to be your best friends. I live in NJ, my best friend moved to Colorado in 1992, and he's still my best friend. I talk to him once every few months and have seen him a total of 6 times, I believe, since he moved. He's still my best friend. 2. Friends who will speak their mind and not just "yes" you ARE the best friends you can have. You already know what you think, you don't just need confirmation of that. You need to be told when you're acting like a twit, and that's what the really good friends are for. Honesty is a wonderful trait in a friend. 3. If your "best friends" have SAID they'll cry and be mean if you don't have them as bridesmaids and will be angry if you choose someone else as MOH, then they're immature and pushy and I'm not sure why they're your friends. If they haven't said any such thing and these are things you're assuming about them, I have to wonder why you have such a low opinion of your "best friends." As for who to ask, once it's time to ask, there are no rules. Ask who you want. Just don't do anything that will end friendships you actually want to maintain.

jeannigirl

There is no code to follow, the wedding world will tell you there is. I would really hold off with asking anyone has you have quite a while before your wedding day. There are too many stories on these boards about brides who ask way to early and then friendships end or things go back then they want to kick out a MOH/BM. Friendships and people do change its just a true fact. I would just hold anyone off for awhile and tell them that you are just enjoying being engaged. It would be rude for anyone of them to assume that they will be in your wedding and if they ask you can just tell them that you are not going to make any decisions concerning that at this time. Change the subject.

aerinpegadrak

Even if your friendships don't change, you may still regret asking early.  When our budget went down the crapper, we considered just eloping, but we had already asked our WP, so that wasn't really an option.  I'm just as close to all of them as ever, but for a while I regretted asking any of them.Once it's time to ask, you can just send an e-mail introducing them all to each other.  In the e-mail, you can indicate which girl is your MOH.  Please don't tell your other bridesmaids why they weren't chosen as MOH, that's just cruel.

bablingbrooke

aerin, I think it's totally understandable if the couple has decided to elope. It's a far cry from kicking someone out or asking one sister and not the other because you hate the other sister.

aerinpegadrak

I just felt weird about it.  "I want you standing next to me when I get married.  I couldn't imagine doing it without you.  Oops, never mind!  Guess I could imagine it after all!"

bablingbrooke

Life happens. A true friend gets that and wouldn't expect you to host something you can't afford to keep her ego happy. You know what I mean?

jeannigirl

I agree that their may be circumstances that arise and maybe the money isn't there and you have to eliminate and do something else. I would hope that my friends and family would understand that and I am not about trying to smooth over people's ego's and feelings to spend money that I don't have.

jenn.daniel

If your friends are mad that the "new" girl is maid of honor, I don't think they're very good friends. They should want what makes you happy.