Groomsman/Usher Dilemma.....Advice??

deed23

Here is the situation. I have two brothers, my fiance has two brothers. When talking to one of his brothers about the wedding party, the brother said that he would not mind being an usher because he does not like being in the "lime light" as a groomsman. This worked out great for our wedding party because we would each have a brother as a groomsman and each have a brother as an usher. So, we planned our wedding party with this in mind and asked everyone we needed to ask. Then we find out that his brother is not happy about being an usher and is supposedly upset about it. So.....what are we to do. One option is to switch it so that both his brothers are groomsman and both my brothers are ushers (which hurts me because I would like one of my brothers to be a groomsman). Another option is to simply add his brother as a groomsman and get another bridesmaid (not a problem) except that would make 7 groomsman and 7 bridesmaid, which I think is too much! Part of me wants to say, too bad since he did offer to be an usher and did not seem to have a problem with it. Should it be our problem that he was not honest with us? I also understand how important family is to both of us and we do not want anyone upset, but we are struggling with what to do. Sorry for the long post, but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

mbcdefg

You're creating the problem here by demanding that the sides be even, and that the sides be divided by gender. There is an easy way to solve this ... * Have an uneven wedding party and include the people you want to include. Rather than rounding up fill-in bridesmaids or excluding groomsmen just to keep the sides even. Uneven wedding parties are incredbily common, won't mess up your photos and cause zero harm. and/or:* Have your brother(s) stand on YOUR side if you want them to be in the wedding party. They can be called "Bride's Attendants," "Bridesmen" or simply "Attendants." PLENTY of brides have men on their side, and PLENTY of grooms have women on their side. A mixed-gender wedding party is totally acceptable (even in religious weddings) and is not at all wrong or weird. Problem solved! You get to include everyone that you want, you don't insult someone by asking her to be a stand-in, and you don't have to insult people and treat them as workers by promoting/demoting them to make things even. Everyone wins.

gottahavashorti

Sucks that he told you he didn't want to be a groomsman, but since he's a sibling make him a groomsman if he wants to be.  Is he upset about not being a groomsman or about being an usher?  If he didn't want to be in the "lime light" he might just want to be a guest.  Ask him what his preference would be.  If you add him as a groomsman, you don't need another bridesmaid.

bablingbrooke

Add his brother as GM. Do not "get another bridesmaid". Too silly to focus on numbers and symmetry when real feelings are being hurt. Don't put style and form over substance here. Keep perspective: You don't want to make decisions that will come back to haunt you long after the wedding. And a slighted sibling is one of those things. I'm not saying he's right to make a fuss, but this is one of those things that you're better off conceding. Look at it as buying yourself some family peace.

duckie1905

I don't understand why you would have to add another bridesmaid for your brother to be a groomsman.  Equal sides is not required, nor is it required that he stand on your FI's side.

mbcdefg

I agree that it was kinda dumb for him to keep changing his mind, but I agree with the PP who said to just make him a groomsman if that's what he prefers. Really, it's not a big deal.   Why are you against even numbers?

mbcdefg

Excuse me, I meant to say, why are you against UNeven numbers?

bablingbrooke

"I would prefer not having uneven numbers." I promise you it's not worth the drama that will result if you insist on even numbers. It doesn't matter one bit. You won't notice or care, your guests won't notice or care, no one will notice or care. But clearly bro is upset that he's left out. He said he wanted to be an usher and is now upset. It's pretty obvious that he wants to be a part of the day, thought he'd be okay w/ a "second tier" job, and now isn't. I'm not saying he's right, I'm just saying it's worth having one extra guy standing up for half an hour to save him from bringing it up at every opportunity. And don't think he won't do it.

megk8oz

Make the brother a GM (It's his brother's wedding, he should be allowed to stand up for him). Do not, do not, DO NOT "get another bridesmaid". Trust me, your marriage will still be valid if you have uneven sides.

deed23

He told us that he wanted to be an usher and when we made him an usher he is complaining about being an usher and not a groomsman. We would have made him a groomsman at the beginning, except that he told us he wanted to be an usher....now I guess he changed his mind. I feel like it puts us in a weird position because he went back on what he said. I would prefer not having uneven numbers. I don't know why I feel weird about the numbers things, but I really like symmetry and it would feel funny to me to have different numbers of bridesmaid/groomsman. Not something I would chose to do right now, but if that was the only way to solve things I guess I would have to deal with it.

tidetravel

Don't create drama.  If he wants to be a GM, then let him be a GM.  If it makes everything uneven, then move your brothers to your side.  Its more important to have the people that you love stand up for you than it is to have even numbers.

bablingbrooke

BTW most of us are so strongly advocating this because most of us (I think) had uneven sides. My DH and I did--4 BM, 3 GM. DH is very OCD about this sort of thing and even he wasn't bothered. So that should tell you something.

deed23

clarify- I guess I didn't mean uneven numbers as in 3, 5 or 7. I meant different numbers of BM and GM. Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate it.

bablingbrooke

This is a post from over the weekend. Scroll down and see blackfire's uneven WP photos. You barely notice that the sides are uneven. I know I had to actually count heads to determine who had more, especially for a WP that's roughly the size of yours (6 or 7 per side). http://talk.theknot.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=62806049

megk8oz

A friend of mine got married 2 summers ago and I was a BM. She decided right before we ordered the dresses that she wanted another girl to join the WP. But that left her WP a 5 and 4. The couple asked my FI to step in and he agreed to it, mainly because it meant we could spend most of the day not separated with pictures and whatnot. And while we get along with the couple as a couple we both knew (And still knows) he really was nothing more than a place-filler to them, which is sad: "I wasn't important enough to be asked until they needed a spot-filler?", yeah, it kinda sucks to look at it that way, but that's essentially what it is. We both still wonder to this day if he hadn't said yes and no other guy stepped up which BM would have been booted (Because, yeah, they would have done that).

tidetravel

Confession:  We had even sides.  There were people DH would have liked to have as GM that "didn't make the cut," because I was under the (misguided) impression that the sides should be even.  I wish I had people to tell me it would have been ok if the sides were uneven - his friends were ushers for the wedding, but I know there were some hurt feelings involved.  Not worth it - at all.

deed23

One issue for me in making his brother a GM is that then my younger brother is the only one out of the brothers not to be a GM. My younger brother is an usher (which made it nice that we were each able to have a brother as a GM and an usher). My younger brother is left out of things because of his age (17) and my other sibling and I are older. My concern is that I will be hurting my younger brother's feelings by having him as the only "brother" usher. So make all brothers GM.....well then we are talking 9 GM or asking people who are already GM to step down to accommodate the brothers, which is not something I want to do. Did I mention that I am a worrier??

megk8oz

OP, we know what you meant. We all still stand by what we said.

bablingbrooke

9 brothers? What are you, the Duggars?

gottahavashorti

Do not ask anyone to step down.  Even sides aren't important.Make your younger brother a bridesman.  Ta da!  No one left out and you have your even sides.

deed23

9 GM if we add all 4 brothers to the other friends we have as Gm. Can you imagine the wedding party for that family!?

gottahavashorti

Brooke, I think she means 4 brothers and 5 friends as GM.

tidetravel

So, right now you're at 6 BM and 6 GM.  You can add your youngest brother on your side, and then it will be 7 and 7 on each side.  Or you can have both of his brothers stand on his side and both of your brothers stand on your side.  Which would be 8 on your side and 6 on his.  It's still not the end of the world. Ask your brother what he would prefer to do - he may not want to be a GM at all.  He may be happy being an usher, or maybe he would like to be a reader for the ceremony. 

bablingbrooke

Did you not see the Duggar Wedding last year? 30 people in their WP. In. Sane. Siblings in the WP isn't a problem until it becomes one. In your case it sounds like it's become one. So I'd just bite the bullet and ask the brothers. Again, there is no big problem that will happen if you don't have even sides. Our marriage is still valid. You will look back and be glad you asked the brothers, even if you do have an uneven party. Symmetry isn't one of those things that you'll look back on and regret. But not including a sibling who wanted to be included probably is.

mbcdefg

If the brother's already going to be an usher, what's the difference if you make him a groomsman or bride's attendant? Again, I think that you are the one creating the real problem here by fretting that things simply have to be even. Things will be a LOT simpler if you let go of the idea that things will somehow be bad if they're not even. I know that "tradition" and movies and maybe even some outdated family members are probably peddling the crap to you that "an uneven wedding party is "wrong," but THEY are the ones who are wrong. Really ... what harm is an uneven wedding party possibly going to cause? Plus, honestly, if you spend even a few minutes of your wedding day worrying about the evenness or unevenness of the wedding party, then I think you will have lost sight of what's important ... marrying your FI, and honoring your friends and family for their love and support. On that day, you should be so blissfully happy that you could have 2 bridesmaids and a thousand groomsmen standing next to you in potato sacks and you still wouldn't mind.

ldcf11206

Do whatever you want with the groomsmen/ushers/whatever, but do NOT ask another girl to be a bridesmaid just to have even sides!  Just reading your post made me feel offended as if I were the extra person being asked to join the wedding party.  My friend who recently got married asked me about 2 months before her wedding to be her "second maid of honor."  I was already her bridesmaid and she wanted to "upgrade" me because her sister was away at college and couldn't really help with planning.  At first I accepted, because we have been friends for a long time, so I felt kind of honored that she wanted me to be a maid of honor.  Then, after sleeping on it, I called her the next day and told her that I was declining her offer.  I know how she is, and after letting the thought settle into my head, I knew she only wanted me to have the "moh" title so that I would feel pressured to help plan her bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.  That way, if I DIDN'T plan those things, it would be my fault since I was the "2nd moh."  HA, I know, CRAZY...  Trust me, I'm not making this up.  I know how this girl works.  Anyway, long story short (not really, sorry!), do not ask another girl to be your bridesmaid just to take up space on your side.  It's stupid, and ultimately it is rude. 

duckie1905

Why are even sides more important to you than your family?  Reconsider your priorities and how much drama you'll be causing over something so ridiculous.Our WP was uneven to begin with and then DH's stepbrother got arrested the morning of the wedding so we were even more uneven.  You know what, not only did I not notice or care no one else did either.  And I think our pictures were more interesting because of the uneven sides as opposed to cookie cutter photos you saw when even sides was more common.

emilyinchile

We're going to have 3 BMs and 4 GMs standing up with us. My other BM is our photographer, so during the ceremony she'll be taking photos (but can have her assistant take the WP portraits so she'll be in those). At first I wanted FI to have 3 GMs so it would match, so I do understand where you're coming from. In my mind, that was what you were supposed to do, and only hippies had uneven numbers or groomswomen/bridesmen.The I found the WP board. And realized that every single person on here can't be wrong - family and friendships are more important than traditions, especially when those traditions are being ignored more and more. FI is Chilean, and in Chile you don't even have a WP, but he was still kind of bummed about not having his fourth best friend up there. I realized it didn't matter, he asked his friend, and I cannot imagine the unevenness making any difference to our happiness or how good our photos look.

mbcdefg

I like ldcf's point ... no matter what you end up doing with the guys, do NOT ask anyone additional to round out the sides. It's incredibly insulting because you're basically telling someone, "Well, you weren't close enough to me to make the cut in the first round, but since we want to keep the numbers even you can join us now that we need another warm body up there." You should pick people based on how close you are to them, not the numbers or positions you need ... it's a wedding, not the NFL Draft. If even numbers truly mean that much to you (which I still don't understand, honestly - why are numbers more important than people?), though, then you can shift your existing people around a bit and have some stand for you and some stand for FI. Put your brothers on your side if they mean so much to you. It's a lovely sentiment and people will be impressed that you chose love over some stupid meaningless tradition.

jeannigirl

OMG why is this always so difficult for people to grasp no one of your guests are going to even give a rip that sides are even or not. Since it seems to be an issue with you then make them even and ask who ever you need to to fill out the unevenness. Case solved NEXT?

deed23

I apologize that I made numbers seem the most important thing in this situation. For me the issue is now how to accommodate all our brothers, so that no one feels hurt or left out. It is not as simple as moving his brother to a GM because that leaves out my younger brother, who given a choice would like to be included as a GM. I want to include everyone and family is very important to me. So, I was hoping for some ideas of how to accommodate all our brothers. I got some ideas from everyone, so thank you!