Should I fire a bridesmaid?

jacquielaura

I'm new and I didn't find a post with this issue - (I'm getting married in June 2010)I had a falling out with one of my best friend's from college (she didn't want to believe me when I told her that her boyfriend cheated on her...). It's been two years and she finally emailed me one day to apologize. We met up and started talking again since then (4 months ago). A couple months ago I had a brunch at my house and I was a little tipsy on mimosas when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She said yes, but since then she has been flaking out and blowing me off. I've tried to get together with her numerous times since then, but she always has something going on - usually she's going to dinner with a family member or working late. These seem like excuses, and she never offers a day that would work for her even when I ask. I'm finding it impossible to rekindle our friendship, since I'm trying really hard and she's not. I don't know if I want her to be a bridesmaid anymore, especially since I don't think I would have asked her if I had been sober. I'm not sure how long I should wait to see if things work out with her, because I have a few other people I would love to ask. Should I fire her? How long should I wait to see if things work out? How do you fire a bridesmaid?

stina93446

Just leave it alone. If you kick her out, it will definitely end whatever is left of your friendship. Worry about other things. True, what she's doing sucks, but to kick her out would be a huge bridezilla move. Just send her the bridesmaid info. If she shows up on the day without the dress, she's removed herself from your WP.

LarissaAnn

1. The reason you may not be able to find a post with this issue is because people delete when they're given answers they don't like. Please don't delete so these coming after you can find this post rather than re-asking this question which is asked at least once a day. 2. Tipsy or not, you can only fire a bridesmaid if you intend to end the friendship entirely, because it will do that. If you think the falling out a couple years ago was bad, this one will be a LOT worse. 3. If you have other women you'd like to ask, ask them! There's no required number of bridesmaids or limit thereof, so you can have everyone you want. 4. If you're trying to rekindle the relationship by scheduling wedding-related stuff, don't. It's too early for that. If you're trying to do it via general hanging-out avenues, give it more time. She could really truly be busy. I have periods of craziness in my life when I really don't have time for one extra thing. And then times when nothing's going on. If you're friends, though, you should be able to just ask her if something's up besides just a busy schedule. TALK TO HER.

bablingbrooke

Because people delete after we tell them what a bad idea it is. Of course you shouldn't fire a BM, not unless you want to end the friendship altogether. Are you only calling her/inviting her to things when they're wedding-related? If so that could be why. Is there something going on in her life that could explain it? In this economy, *everyone* has to work late. Maybe she has a family issue. Life doesn't stop because you're engaged. Especially for a wedding 7 months away. Bottom line: Fire her if you want to look bad and lose a friend. Otherwise lower your expectations, plan the wedding that's yours to plan, and move on.

Leah&Christian09

If you kick her out, it will really hurt her feelings and probably ruin any chance of a friendship you might have add.  Additionally, it will make you look like a bridezilla to mutual friends (and possibly to the rest of your WP if they know about it).  If you are ok with that, go ahead.If there are other people you want to ask, ask them.  There is no magic number of BMs and sides don't need to be even.  It would be awful to exclude a good friend over numbers.

jacquielaura

I won't delete this :)I haven't called her for anything wedding-related. I'm just trying to work on the relationship. I haven't done much wedding planning in general (except for a deposit on a location and a guest list draft).Emotionally it's difficult to deal with the fact that she can't find one hour in the past two months to try to rebuild the friendship. I appreciate the advice - she could actually be busy. It's difficult for me to believe she is having dinner with separate family members every week though (and I used to know her family well!); but for now, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and try to talk to her about it.

bablingbrooke

Then I would be direct: Is she interested in salvaging the friendship, or has she moved on?

LarissaAnn

That's the way to go, Jacquie, just get it straight from the horse's mouth: "Hey, friend, I really want to rebuild this relationship and hope you feel the same way. You up for it or am I being delusional?" But, you know... more diplomatically. I'm just not in a diplomatic mood today.

banana468

Give her some time for now.  Say, "Hey, do you want to get together for coffee or a drink between now and Christmas?  That would be great...my treat!"And then if that doesn't work, talk to her after the new year.And if then, she still acts evasive, talk to her about the friendship.  Have dresses been ordered?  If not, that can be a way in, "Hey, if you don't want to be a BM I totally understand but dresses need to be ordered by X date or the other girls may have to incur surcharges.  If you can, let me know either way...and you're absolutely invited either way!"And if you want to add, it's fine to do that too.  You don't need to subtract to make that happen. 

megk8oz

No. Just no.

pigeonol

Well first- sorry this is happening to you! Totally sucks I am sure. However, i agree with letting it go if you can. If she is not your maid of honor then not a real big deal. But if she is bringing you down- and making you upset and not enjoying your wedding planning fire her. She is not that good of friend to you for doing this. Just make sure she is really just a mean person and not some crazy thing came up she does feels odd chatting about you with since you have had problems with things in the past.Good luck! But never let anyone bring you down! Weddings are supposed to be fun and exciting....not full of drama.

LarissaAnn

Bridesmaids do NOT have to enjoy wedding planning! They don't have to participate in wedding planning, so there's no reason they have to enjoy it. What kind of silliness is that?! And fire her if she's bringing you down? At any other time in your life, would you "fire" a friend for "bringing you down"? You're one hell of a fair weather friend if I ever saw one! Good grief, I'm really glad I don't know you IRL. In MY world, friends are there for each other through good & bad, so if a friend of mine is "bringing me down," it's usually because she herself is having issues with something, and NEEDS ME and there's no freaking way I'd ditch her. What the OP described is not even in the same world as this. It's a damaged friendship that's not being repaired as quickly as OP would like and she plans to handle it correctly, which is great. Why on earth would you try to steer her wrong now?! Are you nuts?

mbcdefg

Ditto everyone except pigeon.

SarahPLiz

Sooo.. since TK deleted my reply:

Being a BM is not a job. You don't hire BMs, so you can't fire them. Being a BM is an honor. To ask one to step down is to dishonor her. Personally, I would never dishonor a friend or family member.

jeannigirl

Yeah I agree that was not good advice, I am standing along side the other gals who stated you don't fire a BM has you did not hire them. They are your friends and family and even when they may act pissy at times or more than that you have to find out what the issue is and try to resolve it and repair. I am glad that the poster appears to have a clear understanding and is willing to do what she can to fix what may be wrong.

Yeah I think me that I would def find out what was wrong and let her know that I wanted her has a friend and if she also wanted that. Their is nothing wrong with getting to the point instead of it stretching out.

duckie1905

I'm confused about why you consider working late and having dinner with family to be excuses.

Ditto to everyone else, except pigeon.

leah51

As I read through these it seems like everyone wants to cater to the other person...I know that if you ask your BM to step down you may chance losing this friend but it seems like the relationship is strained to begin with and as much as we want to save friendships sometimes they are beyond saving.  I was in a similar situation when I first got engaged however I didn't ask the friend to be in the wedding.  I did ask her to do a reading and she said yes.. Never responded to emails or the invitation.  Needless to say yes your wedding is a few months away but the time will be here before you know it and the added stress from  "friend" who is not around will only stress you out even more.  If I asked a girl not to be a BM which I sort of did wont make you look bad to the rest of the WP in my eyes because they prob know whats going on and my be having trouble planning with her for other things. 
All in all its about you being happy and stress free we can all come up with excuses but will she be there when you need her.  I would offer her a kind way out blame it on $ or the ordering of the dress and go from there.  Being in a wedding is not a job but it does require a lot ...Others may think I am a B but I 'd get to the bottom of it now before it gets harder to ask her to step down if that is what it comes to.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]Being in a wedding is not a job but it does require a lot
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

How so?

SarahPLiz

Leah, I think you have a selfish perspective. Being in a wedding is not a job, there is not a lot to do. Yes, it would be nice if every bride had a whole planning army, but this is not the purpose of a wedding party. If you need a planner, hire one.

This is a friendship and honor issue. OP asked her friend because she wanted the friend to be there. If said friend decides that she cannot be there, then it is sad, but will not ruin the day. Whether the friend is there or not has nothing to do with the validity of the marriage license that will be signed. Yes, maybe OP wants the friend to be there, but one-sided relationships rarely work. If the friend doesnt want to be there, she should step down, but OP should not ask her to step down. SHe has no basis for that. THe friend has not shirked her duties because she has none at this point, other than being the same kind of friend she was before she was asked to be a BM. I think she is doing exactly that.
Unless said friend totally stands OP up on the wedding day without calling, then there is no need for anyone to be upset.

Like I said before, being a BM is an honor, not a job. Giving your friend a dishonorable discharge is unacceptable, and only causes resentment. If OP REALLY wants to rekindle this friendship, then asking the BM to step down is not going to accomplish this.

OP. give her the final day to order dresses. This is her only obligation. If she doesn't do it, then she has stepped down. Do not wait for this to "replace" her, as this is rude to her replacements. If there are others you want in your WP, then ask them, regardless of what she does.

leah51

Being a BM does not just include showing up in a pretty dress.  There is a time commit. and a $ commit.  I know that your personal life does not stop but b/t being in weddings and having my own it sucks to pick some of your best friends/family to be there for you through it all and then these same people can never make time for you which could and prob will include some needed venting and just hanging out forgetting about the wedding for a few minutes...

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-fire-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10499064Post:85d0a6b6-7af6-4fe8-932c-c229057c7818">Re: Should I fire a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Needless to say yes your wedding is a few months away but the time will be here before you know it and the added stress from  "friend" who is not around will only stress you out even more.  If I asked a girl not to be a BM which I sort of did wont make you look bad to the rest of the WP in my eyes because they prob know whats going on and my be having trouble planning with her for other things. Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]


WHOA- you are trying to get this girl to act as rude as you did for validation of your own actions. Not cool.

Also, I don't see how not having her around will stress you out. Not all BMs need to be involved in planning. My sisters are my MOHs and my ONLY wedding party members. I talk to them about once a month. THey know I expect them to show up.

WHat would the bride need support for? Thats what her FI is for. This is not war, it is a ceremony celebrating the love and commitment of 2 people. THis is about coming together.. no support needed. In fact, if you need support, look out into the audience during your ceremony. Each one of those people is there to support you, but they didnt help you plan the day. This is one of the most ludacris statements that I hear on here " I need her there to support me, and to be there for me when I need her" .. for what??? YOu are planning a day FOCUSED on people supporting your commitment. That's the theme of every wedding. DUH!

gottahavashorti

The time commitment isn't huge.  It can be as little as getting measured, ordering the dress, and pictures, ceremony and reception on wedding day.  That's all that's required.

Aren't you choosing your friends to stand up with you at your wedding?  These people aren't planning your wedding or anything.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-fire-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10499064Post:2785f937-493c-4e59-8a66-4898f50ea95e">Re: Should I fire a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Being a BM does not just include showing up in a pretty dress.  There is a time commit. and a $ commit.  I know that your personal life does not stop but b/t being in weddings and having my own it sucks to pick some of your best friends/family to be there for you through it all and then these same people can never make time for you which could and prob will include some needed venting and just hanging out forgetting about the wedding for a few minutes...
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

In OP's case, the relationship was already strained. Just because you pick someone to be your BM does not make them your confidant. It doesn't elevate the friendship to any other level than what it was before. And there is only a time and money commitment if the bride makes it so. Usually a BM has to buy a dress and show up. Anything else she does is gravy.

If you need to hang out and vent and forget about the wedding, then you can do that with anyone. Just because you choose to honor a friend with the title of BM does not mean they have to rearrange their schedule for you. I have plenty of friends that arent in my wedding party, and are quite honored to be guests. If I need to vent or just hang out, we do that regularly, and not just because Im planning my wedding.
Just because youa re planning a wedding doesn't mean that everyone else's revolves around you.

If you want people to act a certain way in your BP, go for it. But choose wisely. Don't think that being in your WP automatically makes you BFFs.

leah51

well jacquielaura a major point is that you said you would not have asked her to be in your wedding if your werent drinking and the friendship was already in a little bit of trouble. But it also seems as though you want a little more from her since you are saying that she seems "busy" which may continue. If you really want to perseve this friendship work it trough but like I said this may cause you added stress as it has already if you are posting about So just be ready for it.  Hopefully it will turn around if you dont want to ask her to not be in your wedding.  However my post may have sounded, in the end this is your day and the slightest amount of stress from anyone is not needed.  Clearly there are a few who see my other post as selfish which is ok and I never need a forum to justify my actions I am perfectly ok with all that I did leading up to and after my wedding. what I can tell you is that you have to do what is going to make you happy. 

Regardless of what everyone says we all have different views and no matter what I will stand firmly on the fact that I dont think a BM just shows up and look nice.  From experience and from listening to many other ladies there is much more to it . There are even website with pages of BM duties which all inculde more than buying a dress.  Again if you want to work on your friendship some more than work it trhough althgouh a true friend will eventually understand what you felt you needed to do but it will come with hurt feelings just as telling her about her boyfriend.  I hope everything works out but know that as much as it may suck classicly weddings bring out the best and worst in people and it always does seem to strain or end a friendship or two. Good luck with everything.

And sometimes its ok to be selfish especially on your wedding day.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-fire-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10499064Post:8a1ae558-7f16-43d4-b656-744825fbf6c4">Re: Should I fire a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]And sometimes its ok to be selfish especially on your wedding day.
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

I guess this is where our life philosphies differ. I don't think it is ok to be selfish. I think its important to be emotionally intelligent every day, and I try my hardest to do that. We can have another seperate discussion on what that means later.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-fire-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10499064Post:8a1ae558-7f16-43d4-b656-744825fbf6c4">Re: Should I fire a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE] And sometimes its ok to be selfish especially on your wedding day.
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

I guess this is why I disagree with every.single.thing you have said.  I don't think that its okay to act like a brat and I don't think that its okay to treat the people in your life like garbage for the sake of "your" day.

And, for the record, as a many time BM that has been both kicked out of a WP and had others kicked out of WPs that I was a part of, my opinion of the bride drastically changes.  Usually, it ruins the friendship because, frankly, I don't want to be friends with someone that behaves so poorly.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-fire-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:10499064Post:8a1ae558-7f16-43d4-b656-744825fbf6c4">Re: Should I fire a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]However my post may have sounded, in the end this is your day and the slightest amount of stress from anyone is not needed. 
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

This is one of the most pretentious things I've ever heard. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean that people have to tiptoe around your pwecious feewlings and not piss you off. You do not have the right to kick people out of your wedding or your life just because you are displeased that they are not devoting their attention to your wedding.

[QUOTE]And sometimes its ok to be selfish especially on your wedding day.
Posted by leah51[/QUOTE]

Honey, you are not special. Brides in general are not special. Your wedding does not give you carte blanche to be selfish or treat people poorly because they are not givnig you their undivided attention.

The "you're a bride so you have the right to be selfish" mentality is what gives all of us women a bad name. You are planning a party ... you didn't do anything special to earn the right to be selfish. You are not entitled to a perfect pretty princess day just because some dude put a ring on your finger.

LarissaAnn

Leah,

"If you really want to perseve this friendship work it trough"

Are you trying to say PRESERVE, PERSEVERE, or PERCEIVE here?  Seriously, I have no idea.

By the way, this joint now has a spellcheck feature.  Just FYI.

jeannigirl

I agree with the other gals to the gal who say it was ok to be selfish on your day.
I totally disagree just because your a bride does not give you a license to be cruel, selfish etc to others.

There are even website with pages of BM duties which all inculde more than buying a dress.

They do that to generate money into the Wedding Industry. There are NO List of Duties that a BM/MOH has to preform other that getting the Attire for this event and showing up on time when the bride has made that time available.

I would suggest to all you brides learn how to discern what is right from wrong on these wedding websites/magazines. If you don't know never hurts to ask.

bablingbrooke

I hope being selfish on your wedding day is worth it, because you will miss having friends during your marriage.  Especially when tragedy inevitably strikes.  You'll be glad you let minor annoyances go when you have a shoulder to cry on.

Theresa626

Some of these people are being kind of bitchy.  While I don't think you should "fire her" I do think you should reevaluate the friendship.  Some friendships fizzle out because people put no effort into them at all.  They cause more stress than they're worth.  If you feel that way about her then it might be best to let the friendship die out on it's own.  I like how one person said if she hasn't ordered her dress yet, ask her if she still wants to commit to being in the wedding and give her an out if she's not willing to put effort into the freindship.  Everyone keeps saying you'll end the friendship by firing her and you most absolutely will.  But, it seems like ending the friendship is something you want to do.