Should I kick her out the bridal party

brandidt84

I have a bridesmade who has not made an effort to come to any dress fitting. The first appointment I made for the bridesmaid I had to cancel becuase of i had surgery and wasn't feeling to good so I canceled the appointment. So I had rescheduled the appointment for the following Sunday. Out of 5 bridesmaids only two showed up. But I had talked to the other 2 people in the bridal party so I knew why they weren't coming. I had reminded the other bridesmaid on Friday and sent a text on Saturday. But when Sunday came she was MIA. I called her on Sunday to see where she was and got no answer the other bridesmaid called her also and she didn't answer her phone call either so I was upset. When Monday came around I asked what happened and she said she forgot and that she was sorry. So I made another appointment for everyone else again for that Saturday. Everyone who was suppose to be there came. All except her. I know she works on Saturday but I made it late enough where as though she would be able to make it. But prior to making it on saturday she told me that she wasn't coming because she works. But any other Saturday she manages to do things that she wants to do but couldn't come to a dress fitting. Everyone is saying that she is not making an effort to be there and her actions are starting to show it. My gut is telling me to let her go but how do I tell her. Because if she can't be here now how is she gonna be there later?

SSaltzman87

If you boot her, just be prepared to have your friendship with her end as well. It's a solidifying move.

We don't know what else she's done to make you come to this conclusion, BUT kicking her out solely because she didn't show up to a fitting is tacky and quite over the top.

RosenB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-kick-her-out-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:11099e37-690e-4cb4-84b0-236fae0ed1dbPost:2b1fce6d-1ab8-41c5-8314-217ab6b017d2">Should I kick her out the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmade who has not made an effort to come to any dress fitting. The first appointment I made for the bridesmaid I had to cancel becuase of i had surgery and wasn't feeling to good so I canceled the appointment. So I had rescheduled the appointment for the following Sunday. Out of 5 bridesmaids only two showed up. But I had talked to the other 2 people in the bridal party so I knew why they weren't coming. I had reminded the other bridesmaid on Friday and sent a text on Saturday. But when Sunday came she was MIA. I called her on Sunday to see where she was and got no answer the other bridesmaid called her also and she didn't answer her phone call either so I was upset. When Monday came around I asked what happened and she said she forgot and that she was sorry. So I made another appointment for everyone else again for that Saturday. Everyone who was suppose to be there came. All except her. I know she works on Saturday but I made it late enough where as though she would be able to make it. But prior to making it on saturday she told me that she wasn't coming because she works. But any other Saturday she manages to do things that she wants to do but couldn't come to a dress fitting. Everyone is saying that she is not making an effort to be there and her actions are starting to show it. My gut is telling me to let her go but how do I tell her. Because if she can't be here now how is she gonna be there later?
Posted by brandidt84[/QUOTE]

Are you just going to pick out dresses or is it an actual fitting? Let her go on her own time. She's grown enough to know what she needs to do without you micro-managing her.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-kick-her-out-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:11099e37-690e-4cb4-84b0-236fae0ed1dbPost:2b1fce6d-1ab8-41c5-8314-217ab6b017d2">Should I kick her out the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a bridesmade who has not made an effort to come to any dress fitting. The first appointment I made for the bridesmaid I had to cancel becuase of i had surgery and wasn't feeling to good so I canceled the appointment. So I had rescheduled the appointment for the following Sunday. Out of 5 bridesmaids only two showed up. But I had talked to the other 2 people in the bridal party so I knew why they weren't coming. I had reminded the other bridesmaid on Friday and sent a text on Saturday. But when Sunday came she was MIA. I called her on Sunday to see where she was and got no answer the other bridesmaid called her also and she didn't answer her phone call either so I was upset. When Monday came around I asked what happened and she said she forgot and that she was sorry. So I made another appointment for everyone else again for that Saturday. Everyone who was suppose to be there came. All except her. I know she works on Saturday but I made it late enough where as though she would be able to make it. But prior to making it on saturday she told me that she wasn't coming because she works. But any other Saturday she manages to do things that she wants to do but couldn't come to a dress fitting. Everyone is saying that she is not making an effort to be there and her actions are starting to show it. My gut is telling me to let her go but how do I tell her. Because if she can't be here now how is she gonna be there later?
Posted by brandidt84[/QUOTE]
Dress fitting is done on her own time.  There is absolutely no conceivable reason that you need to be there for the alterations, or that they all need to be done at once.

If you're referring to dress shopping, that's a different ballgame.  That doesn't have to be done all as one group; many brides and BMs trade pictures of dresses online, then the girls go in at their convenience and try on the options.  Or you could give them a few basic guidelines and let them select their own.  Trying to wrangle everyone together all at once is just a massive, drama-filled headache.

And for a lot of people, dress shopping is BORING.  Of course she's going to manage to do the things she wants to do, that's called, um, being a human being, last I checked.  Clearly she isn't interested in shopping.  If you're seriously drawing the conclusion that she won't show up at the wedding (the only place her presence is required) just because she doesn't want to shop with the group, then you fail logic forever.  It doesn't work like that.

Ultimately, if you kick her out of the wedding, you'll end the friendship with her, and possibly with any mutual friends as well.  And unless she tried to sleep with your FI or committed some sort of assault or other crime, doing so makes you a big honking bridezilla.

Find out if she just doesn't really care what the dress looks like, or if it's trying to schedule a group shopping trip that's the problem.  If it's the former, then make the decision without her (as long as it's within her stated budget, which you hopefully asked for from each girl before you started shopping).  If it's the latter, you'll need to work something out with her.  Standing up in your wedding is a favor to YOU, so you need to be the one to make it work.

Manwaithiel

You are doing this stuff way too early. Way too early. My wedding is in nearly 7 months and my girls have looked at dresses once. They have not bought dresses, they are not thinking of buying dresses yet, and they are certainly not thinking of fittings.

You have plenty of time. PLENTY of time.

Also, this girl is your friend right? If she is there for you as a friend, great. That doesn't mean she needs to be part of your wedding or "be there for you for your wedding". It's a party. An important party, but a party nonetheless.

Please do not kick her out unless you don't want to have her as a friend any more.

saisongbird

You are seriously micro-managing your bridal party.  My MOH got married in March, I got fitted 3 weeks before her wedding.  Why?  I was busy losing weight for my OWN wedding this summer, and had I been fitted for a dress 10 months prior, I would have had to have the dress re-fitted because I had lost a lot of weight.

Calm down.  Put down the bridal magazines.  And FFS, apologize to this girl if you want to save your friendship.

saisongbird

Oh, and paragraphs would help us read your post!

brandidt84

I know the wedding is not until 10 months away but I wanted to see how all the bridesmaid would look in there dress because everybody body shape is different. But they don't have to order there dress until Jan or Feb. Then she also asked me when can me and her go and when I told her any day except tuesday becuase I go to school she said ok. Then asked me to make her appointment and when I asked her when did she want me to make it she never responded back.

brandidt84

She didn't have any family issues or emergency. She said she was drunk and forgot. Also we work together and even my boss told me that she thinks she is not ready to be in somebody wedding and I shouldn't have her in my wedding.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-kick-her-out-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:11099e37-690e-4cb4-84b0-236fae0ed1dbPost:e745aa3e-6e17-4c5d-b478-9850ede7c6e4">Re: Should I kick her out the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I know the wedding is not until 10 months away but I wanted to see how all the bridesmaid would look in there dress because everybody body shape is different. But they don't have to order there dress until Jan or Feb. Then she also asked me when can me and her go and when I told her any day except tuesday becuase I go to school she said ok. Then asked me to make her appointment and when I asked her when did she want me to make it she never responded back.
Posted by brandidt84[/QUOTE]
Still micromanaging.  Still not okay to kick her out.  Still WAAAAY too early.  And why on earth do they have to order by Jan or Feb?  Is that the shop's deadline or yours?  If the former, they can look in Dec.  If the latter, START looking for dresses in Jan/Feb and let them order on their own.<div>
</div><div>Seriously, you don't need to be <strong>this</strong> involved in the matter.</div>

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-kick-her-out-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:11099e37-690e-4cb4-84b0-236fae0ed1dbPost:000eac7c-cbaa-4b0d-a775-38d77eafbacb">Re: Should I kick her out the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]She didn't have any family issues or emergency. She said she was drunk and forgot. Also we work together and even my boss told me that she thinks she is not ready to be in somebody wedding and I shouldn't have her in my wedding.
Posted by brandidt84[/QUOTE]
Stop complaining about her to everyone.  She may be a flake, but that's rude of you.

mbcdefg

How is she "not ready" to be in someone's wedding? She buys the dress and shows up to the ceremony. None of which requires you babysitting her.

You don't need to hold everyone's hand for fittings or dress shopping. Tell them the dresses you are thinking of, let them try them on on their own time, and they can get back to you by a set deadline date with their vote. Majority rules and that's the dress you go with. Anyone who doesn't try the dress on, or vote, by the deadline date, loses her input and has to go along with the majority opinion.

Chill out. You're placing entirely too much importance on your wedding and her role in your wedding. Organizing group trips is just a case of you making things entirely more compicated than they need to be ... and going around complaining about your bridesmaid/friend to other people is incredibly rude and snotty of you.

LD1970

Your boss needs to mind her own business.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-kick-her-out-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:11099e37-690e-4cb4-84b0-236fae0ed1dbPost:24a1df43-a070-4b12-9671-fbbbfe5d9bcc">Re: Should I kick her out the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell them the dresses you are thinking of, let them try them on on their own time, and they can get back to you by a set deadline date with their vote. Majority rules and that's the dress you go with. Anyone who doesn't try the dress on, or vote, by the deadline date, loses her input and has to go along with the majority opinion. Chill out.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Yes!  Give her the opportunity to provide input, and if she doesn't, she'll have to go along with whatever dress you and the other BM's pick.  If she kicks up a fuss later, remind her that she had the same opporunity as everyone else to voice and now it's too late.

OT: LD, I love your sig picture!!  And I saw that as a Twilight fan.  Haha.

marissa_claire

The answer to this is basically always no.  There are few exceptions (sleeping with your FI, writing a blog about how much she hates you) that make it okay, but this isn't one of them.

MyNameIsNot

Seriously?

That's all I've got.  There is no way this is real.  

jkitchin92473

No you cannot kick her out...by any means!!! NOT OK! However, I can understand why you would want to go with her and or with the bridesmaids as a whole. I did too...not because I am a MICRO MANAGER BUT because my bm's all have diff body shapes and the dresses I liked I kinda thought might not work for all of them. We went together THANKFULLY because the dress that fit 1 didnt fit another. We ended up finding a line of dresses and they all picked thioer own style but same color and fabric. IF we hadnt all gone together this would never happened. Its deifnitly is to early to expect ppl to go to fittings or alterations but shopping...its never to soon! Its your wedding and you can do things at the pace you like but dont be a bridezilla, dont kick FRIENDS out of your wedding either! When your big day has come and gone...the woman who stood by your side during this process as Bridesmaids will STILL be your friends. DOnt let this 1 day change your friendships.

mattycam

Communicate!! If you have a problem with her "antics" then I think it is more reasonable to voice your concerns than kick her out.