Maid of Honor responsibilities

christieandalex10

Hello wedding community,

I am in a fairly unique situation in which I am planning my own wedding and a friend's as well (exaggeration, of course). I am the MOH for a friend a few weeks before my own and have been asked to do many things for my friend that I didn't think were my responsibilities. For example, I have ordered and communicated with all bridesmaids AND flower girl to make sure they ordered their dresses, looked for jewlery for the entire party and was asked to look through the dj's song list and choose favorites.

Yes, I am throwing the typical shower and bachelorette party for her. Yes, I will be there for the rest of her showers, taking notes, pictures, etc. And, yes, I will be her personal slave on the day of the wedding...

But im wondering, what is my role here? Am I really supposed to be planning as much as I have? Can I get paid?

What do all of you ladies expect for your MOH?

MyNameIsNot

MOH duties:
-Get a dress
-Show up clean and sober for the ceremony
-Walk up the aisle, smile for all the pictures
-Sign the license if necessary
-Hold bride's bouquet during ceremony

Anything else MOH chooses to do is optional and a gift or a favor to the bride and groom.  If your friend is asking you to do too much, you need to nicely shut her down. 

It sounds like she's taking advantage of you.

My MOH was my sister.  She did throw a shower, and she went with us to pick out (taste) the cake.  She also helped me with a DIY project.  But she offered to do each of those things because she wanted to.  I only expected her to get a dress and show up. 

brimcleod

I think that most people think of the traditional MOH responsibilities of throwing a shower, helping plan, throwing a bachelorette party, etc. That's the way I am.

After being on these boards, I've realized a lot of people now disagree with that idea. They just want the MOH to be there with her dress.

I guess it varies. If you feel that you're doing too much, just tell her, "hey, I'm planning my own wedding too, can I have my 'duties' assigned to someone else? i'd love to help, but i'm feeling overwhelmed."

bablingbrooke

She's definitely asking more of you than I asked of my MOH (buy the dress and show up, which was frankly asking a lot of her).  This girl needs to know that you aren't her unpaid staff, you are her friend who has a life of her own.  If she blows up at that, you can see what kind of friend she really is and consider whether you really want someone like this in your life.

SocialWorker2B

Communicating with the other BMs shouldn't be your job. TK actually says that it is the MOH's responsibiliity (on their duties checklist) but I believe that should be the bride's responsibility. Ditto on the jewelry. I am the MOH in my BFF's wedding and I sent her some ideas but I would never do it if I didn't want to. Plus, she didn't even ask me to, I did it on my own.

The DJ's song list? That should definitely be the bride's and her FI's job. Maybe she will ask you you opinion after she's made her decision but to actually do it for her? That's kind of odd.

GL with this. Just tell her that with your own life, not to mention your own wedding, doing all of these things is just taking way too much of your time and you're stressed.

mbcdefg

Sounds like she's assigning you duties based on those bogus lists that the Knot and other wedding websites/magazines print, about the MOH somehow having to help the bride plan her own wedding.

But, remember, you always have the power to say NO. She is only going to push you around as much as you let her. If you are unable to, or uncomfortable with, doing something, politely but firmly tell her that you cannot do it.

lyndausvi

In my circle the MOH is some-what expect to get the dress, plan the shower and b-party with the other BMs.  The DJ list, jewerly for the BM's, coordinating the WP... Umm, no.

Now most of my friends had the help of their parents to pay for the weddings (including me for that matter.)  So all of the planning was done by the parents and the couple.  Another opinion would just be too much.

Now that does not mean that the MOH did not help out with little things here and there. Especially closer to the wedding,  but there is no expectation of the MOH to be at the bride's beck and call.

To be honest as a bride, most of my need for help was a few days before the wedding finishing up lose ends like the table cards and folding programs and of course the day off. 

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:15221c51-84b1-4c19-85d4-5a2a8bb651e7Post:f7e859ba-603d-45cd-b64d-855f703d34f3">Re: Maid of Honor responsibilities</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that most people think of the traditional MOH responsibilities of throwing a shower, helping plan, throwing a bachelorette party, etc. That's the way I am. After being on these boards, I've realized a lot of people now disagree with that idea. They just want the MOH to be there with her dress. I guess it varies. If you feel that you're doing too much, just tell her, "hey, I'm planning my own wedding too, can I have my 'duties' assigned to someone else? i'd love to help, but i'm feeling overwhelmed."
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Brim, I think the largest issue here is how the MOH is treated.

The MOH's only responsibilities are to buy that dress and to be there on the big day.

The rest of what she may do, even if it's traditionally done by the MOH needs to come from the MOH and not from a dictator-like bride.  That's the huge difference here.

I wouldn't even say, "Can you put my duties onto someone else."  The statement itself implies that the MOH isn't pulling her weight which is beyond a misleading statement as it isn't true.

Instead a sweeter, "Oh honey I have so much on my plate right now with everything for my own wedding I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."  Be honest with her and let her know what you'd "like" to do if that's anything.

However the role of MOH never was and never will be, "unpaid wedding planner."

gottahavashorti

Yes, you should be getting paid.

You could point out to her that since she also 'needs' to fulfill her duties of coordinating your BM dress orders, jewelry and DJ song lists, you  might as well trade duty lists and each plan your own wedding.  With exceptions for bachelorettes and showers of course, since neither of you would be planning your own.

SarahPLiz

gottahavashorti has a good point. If you are doing all this extraneous stuff for her and you have to do it fr your own wedding too, maybe you should point that out to her. You are not a cat (or BM) wrangler. It is her job to coordinate, not your's. This wedding is for her and her FI to plan.

banana468

And depending on the friend I might say,

"Since I'm doing this for YOU and you'll be doing this for ME, instead, why don't we go CRAZY and just plan our own weddings?!"

misspx3

I haven't read all the other posts so im not too sure if my post is really going to matter. I haven't asked my MOH to do anything. When I asked her to take on the role I flat out said ' I know you work alot and I dont want to add any stress to you'. We have gone to buy her dress and I was pretty low-key. I let her pick out the ones that she liked the most and we made a decision. I dont want her to hate the dress she is wearing, because I belive it will show if she isnt confident. Ontop of the 65+ hours that she works she has offered to help me find deals ect. But other than that im not asking her to do anything. I am just happy that she wanted to be my MOH.

Something you might want to do is talk to your friend about your responsibilities. You are planning your OWN wedding at the same time and I can only imagine how stressed out you are. Let her know this too. Maybe she'll realize that you and her are in the same boat and it isnt fair to unload work on you. I know not the best advice but i tried

mbcdefg

We should keep this thread around for when brides come here and insist that it's O.K. to assign the MOH "duties."

This poster's situation is proof that friends will oftentimes agree to someone's face to do something or that something is a good idea, but in reality they're quite unhappy with being assigned tasks and responsibilities.

trix1223

Your friend has been infected with wedding website-itis.  Unfortunately she has been reading wedding magazines, websites, and watching wedding tv shows that tell her that all that she's asked of you is not only appropriate but expected.

Please send her here, so that we can have a Come to Jesus meeting with her.  In the meantime, get a backbone and tell her that you are happy to be her MOH, but that you will not and cannot be her wedding planner.

like_fireworks

I think she is definitly asking way too much. I have two maids of honor, because there was no way I was going to choose between my two best friends, and all I asked them to do was to buy a dress and help me look for mine. Yes, they have offered me tons of help. And sure, I'll let them help if they really want to. But I certainly won't demand or expect it. Sure, on my wedding day they are my maids of honor, but the 8 years prior to that day and the many years to come after that day they are my friends.

Pink7781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:15221c51-84b1-4c19-85d4-5a2a8bb651e7Post:abd75e8b-7705-4b20-ad2c-023cc4b68788">Re: Maid of Honor responsibilities</a>:
[QUOTE]MOH duties:
-Get a dress
-Show up clean and sober for the ceremony
-Walk up the aisle, smile for all the pictures
-Sign the license if necessary
-Hold bride's bouquet during ceremony
Anything else MOH chooses to do is optional and a gift or a favor to the bride and groom.  If your friend is asking you to do too much, you need to nicely shut her down.  Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This, exactly this.