.

DaniluvsRoss

.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-ask-drama-queen-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:155579ac-25c4-4a60-ae2f-fe713e816f23Post:4adf9f0e-0cda-4160-9b9d-56dbd57ac572">Is it bad to ask the drama queen to step down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not the type of person who likes drama and don't want to cause any, especially for my own wedding. One of my bridesmaids is a few years older than me, and I never realized it until I asked her to be in the wedding, but it truly bothers her that I am getting married before her.  She makes snide comments about my fiance, me (being so young...24?), my dress being ugly, etc. the typical sort of things people say when they're jealous.  I tried to be sympathetic and was the bigger person about it.  I stopped talking about it in front of her to avoid her comments. Now she's getting married--and I was so happy for her! <strong>However, she was going to make her wedding THE WEEK BEFORE mine, and I was hesitant because--how are you going to be in my wedding AND do yours?</strong> But she's moved it to month after me, so no issues there.  Now she's turning it into a competition--and I'm not dealing with this for the next 7 months. I told her if she  doesn't want be in the wedding anymore, just tell me--i'm fine with it.  So I gave her an out.  She says she'll still be in it but her basic attitude has been "fine, whatever, I'll wear the dress you want and walk down the aisle, but don't expect me to be there for anything else."  --I'm not asking her to stay up all hours of the night doing DIY projects, or attend 8 showers.  Her involvement at this point has been minimal anyway and she's really just showing up and wearing the dress. I get the feeling she feels like she's doing me the favor and being put out by being in the wedding.  And some may say that wearing the dress is all she should have to do--<strong>but if you were in a wedding, wouldn't you WANT to have some sort of involvement, even if it was limited?</strong> <strong> If you don't want to do anything for the wedding (like go to a single bridal shower or bachlorette party), why would you want to be in it, just so you can wear a dress?</strong> Someone wisely said "she's just not that into you and good luck getting her to change her mind" --THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!  So now what?    <strong>There is no reason for me to have her--she doesn't want to be there and she's not interested</strong>.  She's negative about everything, she's upsetting the other bridesmaids and starting arguments with them (I KNOW she's starting them and she's proud of it), so if I have girls who want to be there I don't need her.  <strong>I gave her an out a number of times but she just won't take it.Do I ask her to just bow out because she obviously doesn't want to be in it? or is that nasty/drama queen on my part?  My other bridesmaids have been super positive and excited and they WANT to do things and are begging to me to give them more things to do.  I'm truly fortunate for that, and want us all to be able to enjoy our time together free from negativity
</strong>Posted by DaniluvsRoss[/QUOTE]

You need to stop giving her outs.  That is just rude IMO and a chicken way to kick her out.  If you kick her out of your wedding you will ultimately be ending your friendship with her, so you need to decide if thats something you want. 

Yes, when I'm in a wedding of a good friend I want to help out with what I can.  That doesn't make me any better than the ones who don't want to do it.  I'm a BM in my BIL's wedding next year, and honestly, I'm still burnt out from my wedding so I'm thrilled I'm on the other side of the country and can't offer to help with anything.  Also, she is now planning her own wedding, so you and her should just have a mutual agreement that you work on your own weddings and focus on those. 

If her wedding was the week before yours it wouldn't be the end of the world.  And it would be very possible to be in your wedding and plan her own, since all she has to do is show up at yours in a dress.  A good friend of mine and I had got married a month apart and had no problems.  We weren't in eachothers weddings, but we didn't compare them or compete or anything.  We had 2 totally different weddings, and just loved being able to have someone going through the same thing to talk to. 

You can't she is not interested in your wedding just because she isn't offering to help.  She is now planning her own wedding.  Basically you are saying you need help planning your wedding, so how do you expect that she has time to plan her own wedding and help you with yours?  Don't give her the opportunity to be negative.  Don't ask her for help, and don't hold it against her when she doesn't offer it.  Have you offered to help her with her wedding? 

And to answer your question, I think you are being just as much of a drama queen.  Nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are.  Its nice that you have some BMs who want to help you, but it is not a requirement and shouldn't be held against the BMs who don't.  Don't expect anything out of your BMs and you won't be disappointed. 

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bad-ask-drama-queen-step-down?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:155579ac-25c4-4a60-ae2f-fe713e816f23Post:4adf9f0e-0cda-4160-9b9d-56dbd57ac572">Is it bad to ask the drama queen to step down?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not the type of person who likes drama and don't want to cause any, especially for my own wedding. One of my bridesmaids is a few years older than me, and I never realized it until I asked her to be in the wedding, but it truly bothers her that I am getting married before her. 

<strong>So this is a new behavior from her, I take it? If so, it's important to figure out exactly why she's doing this. Rather than just boot her and not address the problem at all.

</strong>
She makes snide comments about my fiance, me (being so young...24?), my dress being ugly, etc. the typical sort of things people say when they're jealous.  I tried to be sympathetic and was the bigger person about it.  I stopped talking about it in front of her to avoid her comments.

<strong>Did you ever say to her, "Those comments are hurtful and I want you to stop it"? Or flat-out ask her, "Why are you saying such mean things to me?" Some kinds of problems/behaviors will not end if you simply ignore them ... you need to actually address them. People will only push you around as much as you allow them to. She's not 100% to blame here, if you never told her to knock it off.

</strong>
Now she's getting married--and I was so happy for her! However, she was going to make her wedding THE WEEK BEFORE mine, and I was hesitant because--how are you going to be in my wedding AND do yours? But she's moved it to month after me, so no issues there.  Now she's turning it into a competition--and I'm not dealing with this for the next 7 months.

<strong>So, like you said, don't get involved. Don't talk details with her, don't get sucked into an argument. And if she says something hurtful to you, speak up!!!
</strong>
I told her if she  doesn't want be in the wedding anymore, just tell me--i'm fine with it.  So I gave her an out.  She says she'll still be in it but her basic attitude has been "fine, whatever, I'll wear the dress you want and walk down the aisle, but don't expect me to be there for anything else."  <strong>--</strong>I'm not asking her to stay up all hours of the night doing DIY projects, or attend 8 showers.  Her involvement at this point has been minimal anyway and she's really just showing up and wearing the dress. I get the feeling she feels like she's doing me the favor and being put out by being in the wedding.  

<strong>You asked her if she wanted to just be a guest, and she said no. End of story. Asking again will not change her answer. 

There's no way you can "ask someone to step down." You are kicking them out. "Asking them to step down" is just some people's way of saying that they kicked them out, so that they make it sound nicer .

Like it or not, all she really DOES have to do is wear the dress and show up. That's the obligation of a bridesmaid. Anything else is extra.

</strong>
And some may say that wearing the dress is all she should have to do--but if you were in a wedding, wouldn't you WANT to have some sort of involvement, even if it was limited?  If you don't want to do anything for the wedding (like go to a single bridal shower or bachlorette party), why would you want to be in it, just so you can wear a dress?

<strong>If you feel that way about being a bridesmaid, that's fine. And I agree, most good friends will probably do more than just get the dress and show up.

But you cannot hold other people to your own standards. Again, like it or not, she doesn't have to do anything beyond getting the dress and showing up.
</strong>
Someone wisely said "she's just not that into you and good luck getting her to change her mind" --THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!  So now what?    There is no reason for me to have her--she doesn't want to be there and she's not interested.  She's negative about everything, she's upsetting the other bridesmaids and starting arguments with them (I KNOW she's starting them and she's proud of it), so if I have girls who want to be there I don't need her.  I gave her an out a number of times but she just won't take it.

<strong>Again - you asked her if she wanted out, and she said no. She obviously wants to be there for whatever reason.

Why did you ask her in the first place? It's really hard for me to believe that she was a perfect angel before you got engaged, and now all of a sudden she's a rotten person and absolutely nothing happened to affect your friendship. Did something go on in her life to make her feel this way? Did you say something to her to make her mad, even by accident?
</strong>
Do I ask her to just bow out because she obviously doesn't want to be in it? or is that nasty/drama queen on my part?  

<strong>You wouldn't be "ASKING" her to bow out. You've already done that. She said no. You'd be TELLING her to get out. And that will be the end of your friendship (not to mention that it might make others, especially mutual friends, regard you as a bridezilla). Do you really want to do that?
</strong>
My other bridesmaids have been super positive and excited and they WANT to do things and are begging to me to give them more things to do.  I'm truly fortunate for that, and want us all to be able to enjoy our time together free from negativity

<strong>That doesn't matter. It's great that these girls want to help, but that doesn't have anything to do with the issue at hand.

Plus, there's really no reason why you all need to be around this chick all the time. She can get her dress fitted on her own time. Beyond that, there is nothing else she has to do for your wedding. There is NO reason why she should have to hang out with the other bridesmaids before the wedding. And on the wedding day, she needs to show up and stand there ... she doesn't need to be everyone's buddy or even talk to them.

Why is she interacting with the other bridesmaids so much? Why is she around YOU so much, especially since she's said she has no interest in anything other than getting the dress and just showing up? Maybe the problem is that she feels that too much is being asked of her (either from you, or from the other bridesmaids).

If this girl wasn't nasty before your engagement, then something obviously has happened. Rather than just booting her from your wedding, how about if you, you know, TALK to her and see what the problem is?

And if she WAS always nasty, then why the heck did you ask her to be a bridesmaid? People won't change just because you're getting married.

</strong>Posted by DaniluvsRoss[/QUOTE]

lauralaur

Are you ok with losing the friend? Because there's no way for you to ask her to step down without ending the friendship. If you are not interested in continuing the friendship, then have at it. However, I think once your weddings are over, she may calm down, and you may be interested in being friends again. I know you've talked to her about her maybe not being interested in being in the wedding, but have you tried directly telling her how your comments are hurting you? I would have a heart to heart with her, and if she doesn't respond, and you are not interested in being friends anymore, then ask her to step down.

Manwaithiel

Side note.

I love how you posted this in "Wedding Woes" too. And then DDed. If a bunch of people are telling you one thing (except for the one newbie in WW who thinks it's worth it to end the friendship over your wedding) then they're probably on to something.