Including In-Laws in your Wedding Party?

jaking16

My sister in-law asked me and my two other sisters to be bridesmaids in her wedding when she married our brother. I am not particularly close with her and thinking that she just needed more bridesmaids. Now I am planning a wedding and have already asked my three sisters and one friend to be in my wedding party.

Is it common for in-laws to assume they should be part of the wedding party? I'm just worried about offending her if she is expecting me to ask her and I don't deliver.

mysticl

I say have who you want.  Being in a wedding party is not tit for tat.  I have a friend who is a real life 27 dresses.  She has been in a ton of weddings.  There is no way she could have all of those women in hers when she does get married. 

bablingbrooke

Is this something that will cause family drama?  Will FMIL bring it up every Thanksgiving?  Will FSIL bring it up in a passive-aggressive manner every time you ask her to do something?

If it will buy you some family peace to ask her, ask her.  One extra person in the WP is not a big deal, and I've had the obligatory family member in the WP and it wasn't any sort of problem.   When it comes to family, take the long view (the one that goes beyond the wedding day and into the marriage).

lalap69

I'm with Brooke.  I agree that the people you ask should be those that are closest to you, but if it's going to cause problems if you don't ask her, I'd probably ask her just to avoid the drama.

aerinpegadrak

It is expected in many families that the full, blood siblings of the bride and groom (and sometimes adopted, half-, and step-siblings) should be attendants, and can be seen as a huge insult if they're passed over.  I've never seen this expectation extended to those siblings' spouses.

She asked you because you were the siblings of the groom, I'm sure.  So if you're going for quid pro quo, it's your brother that would stand up in the wedding (on your side, preferably, unless your FI agrees to have him as a GM).  I don't think you're under any obligation to ask her unless the two of you are very close.

mbcdefg

Two schools of thought, neither of which are wrong:

1) You're not obligated to have anyone in your wedding party. Even if she is a family member, an in-law, or if she included you in her own wedding (for whatever reason). Your attendants are your dearest friends. And some families really don't care if a sibling is not included, so your in-laws might not start a fight over this.

2) In some families, it's a tradition to include the siblings. Some families really get pissed when the siblings are not included. These fights can sometimes last for years, so it might be worth it to include the sibling just for the sake of avoiding smartass remarks from your mother-in-law at Thanksgiving 2014. The attendants' role in your wedding will only last one day, and their only obligations are to get the outfits and participate in the ceremony and pose for photos ... they don't have to help you plan, attend/plan pre-wedding parties, or be your buddy throughout your engagement. It might be worth sparing yourself a headache and just asking her. - you'll only deal with her for a few hours of one day of your life, rather than hearing about it for the next 20 years. 

Talk to your FI and ask what he wants to do. The final decision lies with him.

If he wants her included, then you can either ask her to be a bridesmaid, or you can tell your FI that she is welcome to wear a black dress and stand up as one of HIS attendants (just like it's O.K. for you to have guy attendants).

If he agrees with you that she does not need to be included, then make 100% certain that he backs you up on this decision if his family goes apeshiit. Since she is HIS sister, then HE is the one ultimately responsible for her inclusion or exclusion ... you are not automatically to blame just because you are a woman and so is she (because there is absolutely nothing stopping your FI from including his sister as his own attendant).

I would personally just suck it up and include her (or she can be a groomswoman), but you're not an awful person if you don't.

[Deleted User]

I am including FI's sister in law, but only because I want to.  I like her and I don't know her really well yet, but we're going to be family and I'm excited about that.  I'm going to be spending every holiday and likely a few other times a year with her (they live 8 hrs away right now) so I thought it might be fun to include her in the WP.

If I didn't like her as much I would NOT include her.  I didn't feel obligated, but thought it was a nice gesture.  She and FI's brother did not expect it though- but she said she'd be honored if I wanted to ask her. 

If the expectation was there I don't know how I'd feel about it.  Although one of the reasons I like her so much is because stuff like this isn't expected

On the other hand.. I'm not asking my sister to be in the WP. 

jaking16

Thanks for all the advice! It's actualy MY brother's wife. My parents keep stressing that my FI and I should do what we want and not worry about everyone else. And the fact is, she didn't have three blood siblings to include in her wedding. I do : )

bablingbrooke

If it's your brother's wife, and you're not getting pressure from anyone (including her) and you aren't close, I think you'd be fine not asking her.  As pps said, it's a different story if it's your FI's sister, which is probably why she asked you, but I don't think she's owed a spot here.  WPs aren't tit-for-tat.

sister2groom

Again, it depends on what's common/how well you know her. I had never really heard of SIL bridesmaids, except in rare situations, like the bride and groom both have one sibling of the opposite sex and really want them standing up with them.

I know when my SIL married my brother my brother sort of put feelers out about whether or not I would be hurt not to be a BM and I made it very clear that I realized there were a ton of other people she knew better (and she has a fews sisters too). So I wasn't a bridesmaid, but had a small part in the ceremony and that was totally fine. And I would definitely consider asking my SIL to be a BM and don't see any inconsistencies with that. that's just my tewo cents, I just wanted you to have a SIL's perspective because it hasn't affected my relationship with her or my brother at all.

mattycam

Siblings, whether by blood or by marriage should stand up with you if you are close with them.