Is it wrong to not invite my large extended family?

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Is it wrong to not want to invite my large extended family? My guy and I want to get married in Las Vegas and only invite a max of 30 guests, but I have a super large extended family and family politics can get ugly if I only invite some or not all. First off, is it ok if I ONLY invite them to attended pre-wedding parties? Or should I have a small party at a different date, in my local home town, which would most likely consist of mainly my family, (1 of his guest to every 10 of mine!)

If I have them only attend the pre-wedding parties, how can I let them know?

If I have a party, can it be after my civil ceremony, (will be a few months before the Vegas wedding), then have my Vegas wedding with my 30 guests?

bablingbrooke

You can't invite someone to a pre-wedding party if they're not also invited to the wedding.  Big etiquette no-no.  

I would invite them to the wedding, but that's because DH and I were in your shoes and decided that 1) we'd regret not having them there, and 2) we'd never be forgiven.  Your situation may be very different.

ETA: I also think it's having your cake and eating it too to have the small wedding and then the AHR with a WP and everything.  Either have the big wedding or the small one, but you aren't entitled to both.  Pick one.

mbcdefg

Is it wrong to not want to invite my large extended family?

No, invite whoever you want, but be prepared for a backlash. Like Stage said, I would set a cutoff point (nobody beyond parents and siblings, or first cousins only, or whatever. Picking and choosing will get you into trouble).

First off, is it ok if I ONLY invite them to attended pre-wedding parties?

No, you should never invite someone to a pre-wedding party if they're not also invited to the wedding. Especially if it's a gift-giving party like a bridal shower. And you should not be planning your own bridal shower or bachelorette party anyway, so if you were thinking of planning these events yourself, DO NOT DO IT.

Or should I have a small party at a different date, in my local home town, which would most likely consist of mainly my family, (1 of his guest to every 10 of mine!)

You can have a larger "at-home reception" after your wedding if you wish.

If I have them only attend the pre-wedding parties, how can I let them know?

There's no polite way to do this, so scrap this idea.

If I have a party, can it be after my civil ceremony, (will be a few months before the Vegas wedding), then have my Vegas wedding with my 30 guests?

You get ONE wedding. Your civil ceremony IS your wedding. Having a civil ceremony, then a Vegas event, THEN a party at home is just ridiculous. Have either the civil ceremony or the Vegas ceremony, but not both. There is no reason why you need two ceremonies.

(However, I could somewhat understand doing two weddings if you and your partner are both men, and if your civil ceremony is in a state/country that allows gay marriage since Nevada does not. But even in that case, I'd personally just do the civil ceremony and then either the Vegas event or the at-home reception with your loved ones ... having both just seems like overkill.)

gottahavashorti

It's okay not to invite the extended family, but do so in circles.  We invited first cousins, their children, aunts, uncles and grandparents.  We did not invite my mom's huge extended family (her aunts, uncles and cousins) who are often invited to weddings or DH's mom's less huge but more distantly related family who she felt should be invited.  Our moms used their own guest allotment to invite a couple relatives, but that was it.

Those not invited to the wedding should not be invited to pre-wedding activities.

frogurt814

I'm still trying to get over the whole civil ceremony, Vegas "wedding", and then AHR.  I really don't get it.  If you are going all the way to Vegas for your "wedding" then why are you actually getting married before that?  Unless like PP stated, you are getting legally married in your home state and then just having fun in Vegas if you cannot legally get married there.  In that case, I would suggest having your reception following your civil ceremony then if you and some friends want to go to Vegas and party or whatever, ok.

bablingbrooke

Like I said, we were in your shoes.  Our extended families total 100 people (just up to first cousins, and in his culture we had to extend beyond that in some cases) and we wound up with 140 for the wedding.  I wanted to elope, DH wanted our families with us and to be married in the church, and in the end that was more important to him than eloping was to me.

It's not fun, but you don't get the small elopement followed by the big party.  Pick one or the other.  No one gets two weddings to the same person.  No one thinks it's cute.

bablingbrooke

Please don't throw yourself three weddings.  Either have the big wedding with the family, or the small elopement.  But seriously, stop this. 

aerinpegadrak

This is a hot mess.  One wedding.  One.  If you're getting married in the civil ceremony so your family can see, what on earth is the point of Vegas?  What would you even be doing in Vegas?  I'm so confused, and I can imagine your families and friends are going to be as well.

As for pre-wedding parties, those guest lists are limited to the people who witness the part that makes you legally married, and that's it.  Besides, pre-wedding parties are thrown for you, so you whouldn't have any involvement in them besides providing that guest list.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wrong-not-invite-large-extended-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:16d64665-29a6-4db7-8a13-e6544541a78aPost:a9beddc4-b5e5-422e-8e47-e69e9cc14f6d">Re: Is it wrong to not invite my large extended family?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't invite someone to a pre-wedding party if they're not also invited to the wedding.  Big etiquette no-no.   I would invite them to the wedding, but that's because DH and I were in your shoes and decided that 1) we'd regret not having them there, and 2) we'd never be forgiven.  Your situation may be very different. ETA: I also think it's having your cake and eating it too to have the small wedding and then the AHR with a WP and everything.  Either have the big wedding or the small one, but you aren't entitled to both.  Pick one.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I agree.  Big etiquette no no to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. It looks like you are only in it for the gifts. Trust me, you'll get more grief for this than not inviting them at all.

If you want a small wedding then stick by what you want but don't come home and do a wedding party and reception. IMO 95% of the money and time goes into planning the reception part of the wedding. Plus a wedding party for an AHR is a little weird. Unless they go to vegas with you and stand beside you they aren't BMs or GMs.

My brother did the small 24person wedding and extended family was a little hurt but they get over it when you explain you really want a small wedding. Don't worry about what everyone will think; you can't please everyone. You just need to decide whether you want a small vegas wedding or an at home big wedding.

mbcdefg

I'd still suggest that you not throw three weddings (or two weddings and a reception), and then on top of that invite people to pre-wedding parties but not the actual wedding.

Do ONE wedding, and then maybe ONE party for the people who didn't go to the wedding. Having multiple parties just sounds really ridiculous, and people could misinterpret you guys as being greedy.

I get wanting to celebrate with everyone. But, really, you have to draw the line somewhere. Either have your intimate wedding and accept the fact that those will be the people you celebrate with; or have a larger wedding and celebrate with everyone you want. But don't throw multiple events. Please.

bablingbrooke

I'm still really confused why you want a small, intimate wedding in Vegas yet are trying to throw more parties and invite more people than a typical couple throwing a "big wedding."  

RebeccaB88

 Private civil ceremony, honeymoon in Vegas, large reception at home later.

One ceremony and you will be just as married as you would be with five ceremonies.  It won't 'take better' the second or third time. 

Having so many events makes you sound like an attention whore.  Have one wedding and be done with it.