Struggling and need some advice

cfoxwheeler

Ok...I do not even know where to begin, but here goes.  My future hubby(FH) Wes and I asked everyone who we wanted to stand beside us to be in our wedding and it included my brother and SIL (MOH) and his brother (BM) Ross and his wife, Machell.  Over the past few months a lot of things have happened with his family and mine. 

My brother and SIL (MOH) decided to take themselves out of our wedding, including their 3yr old son (our ring bearer) because I am friends with someone I have known for 15 yrs.  My bro and SIL have made it very clear they do not like my friend and just expect me to not be friends with her because "blood is suppose to be thicker than water" as they say.  I have pretty much learned to cope with them not being in our wedding and I was starting to deal and move on.  I had just decided that they will regret it in the long run. 

Anyway, on to my FH side of the family.  A month or so before we got engaged, we found out that his brother, Ross (BM) had been cheating on his wife, Machell (one of my BMs).  Well his Machell kicked him out for about 2 wks and he stayed with us while this was going on.  I would talk to her on a daily basic for hours about it and was there for both of them.  Then they decided that they wanted to work things out and they acted like everything was fine.

We got engaged and my FH wanted to ask his bro to be his BM and he said YES.  I asked his wife, Machell to be one of my BMs and she said yes too.  The whole time we have been engaged I have heard from reliable sources about all the negative things she was saying about our wedding, like how the whole thing is just stupid and it just costs too much to have a wedding that is why they went to Vegas and eloped and how it is just a big inconvenience for them.  It hurt my feelings a lot to have someone say those things but I tried not to let them bother me as much as I can.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago...my FH's bro (BM) has owed us money for a while now and my FH was getting tired of asking for it.  So he called his bro one day and said look I have to have this money you owe me, its Christmas and I just need it.  His bro said "no, I think we are even now since I had to pay for Machell's (his wife) BM dress" and of course Wes(my FH) just thought he was joking, but apparently he wasn't.

While we were over at Wes' Uncle's house the conversation came up about the money and his bro just flat out told us in front of everyone that our wedding is a big inconvenience and that he did not owe us anything and that is why they went to Vegas and married.  It hurt our feelings really bad, because if it was such and inconvenience then why say yes we will be in it? it was their choice to go to Vegas and get married but not ours.  We want our friends and family to be there with us when we say our vows.

A lot of my hurtful things have been said like "well they have never told us how appreciative they were for us being in their wedding and we just felt obligated to be in it but really did not want to because we do not feel like we have to be in someone's wedding we do not like (meaning me).

I just don't understand!  my feeling are so hurt and so are my FH's because we were there for them when they were going through a really rough time and we gave his bro a place to sleep when his wife kicked him out.

Can you please give me any advice how to get through this?  Should I confront them about this or just let it go?  We do want them to be in the wedding if it is such an inconvenience we just wish they could have told us sooner or said no when we asked.  Please give me some advice.

Thanks and Happy Holidays!!

LoveMuffins

It sounds like both your FI's bro and wife are miserable and unhappy and taking it out on you two. Their separation is probably really hard, but instead of putting aside their feelings and being happy for you, they're just trying to make you miserable too. I'm sure it's not personal, so try not to let your feelings get too hurt. It's wrong and immature, but try to remember that they're probably going through a really tough time and that seeing two loving people about to make the bond that they weren't able to make work is probably hard on them.

I would talk it over with your FI and see if you two are comfortable talking to them and asking if they would like to step down from the wedding. NOT kicking them out, but just letting them know that you do not mean to create any hardship, emotionally or otherwise for them, and that if they would like to step down then they can do so without any reprisals from the two of you.

And then cross your fingers that they DO step down and work on working out their issues with each other rather than taking them out on you.

mbcdefg

My brother and SIL (MOH) decided to take themselves out of our wedding, including their 3yr old son (our ring bearer) because I am friends with someone I have known for 15 yrs.  My bro and SIL have made it very clear they do not like my friend and just expect me to not be friends with her because "blood is suppose to be thicker than water" as they say.  I have pretty much learned to cope with them not being in our wedding and I was starting to deal and move on.  I had just decided that they will regret it in the long run. 

You are correct to just deal with it and move on. They're incredibly petty and immature if they cannot just suck it up and be civil to, or ignore, someone they don't like. It's not like they have to be best buddies with this other person, right?

We got engaged and my FH wanted to ask his bro to be his BM and he said YES.  I asked his wife, Machell to be one of my BMs and she said yes too.  The whole time we have been engaged I have heard from reliable sources about all the negative things she was saying about our wedding, like how the whole thing is just stupid and it just costs too much to have a wedding that is why they went to Vegas and eloped and how it is just a big inconvenience for them.  It hurt my feelings a lot to have someone say those things but I tried not to let them bother me as much as I can.

As reliable as you feel those sources are, you cannot go on them as solid information. You just can't. Things that float through the grapevine naturally get a bit twisted along the way ... things are misinterpreted, misquoted, forgotten, embellished, etc.

So, unless you hear something straight out of the person in question's mouth, do not assume that it is the truth.

Furthermore, I would really question the value of someone who enjoys spreading rumors and gossip like that. Not only is it a childish and silly thing to do ... but now that you know they are willing to talk about Machell behind her back, how do you know what these "Reliable Resources" are saying about YOU?

Whoever you got this gossip from, I would politely but firmly tell him/her that you are not interested in rumors and gossip, and please leave you out of it. It leads to NOTHING but trouble. Do yourself a favor and stay out of it.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago...my FH's bro (BM) has owed us money for a while now and my FH was getting tired of asking for it.  So he called his bro one day and said look I have to have this money you owe me, its Christmas and I just need it.  His bro said "no, I think we are even now since I had to pay for Machell's (his wife) BM dress" and of course Wes(my FH) just thought he was joking, but apparently he wasn't.

Then you need to talk it out with him.

But, lesson learned ... it is not wise to loan money to someone unless you are perfectly O.K. with the idea of not getting it back. For whatever reason. If it's money you need/want returned to you, then do yourself a favor and don't loan it out in the first place. I've been burned on this MANY times, by both friends and family members. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I'm sure most people go through it at least once.

If you really must loan someone money in the future, protect yourself and draw up a written agreement right at the beginning.

The rest of your story just sounds ridiculously dramatic and immature. Judging from the rest of your post, the people you're dealing with just sound like ridiculous, immature people. Which is why you're dealing with all of this drama.

I would just simply say, "Look. You've been invited to participate in our wedding. If you don't want to do it, fine, just attend as a guest. And if you don't want to attend as a guest, then that's fine as well. Just make a decision and don't argue about it anymore." Then walk away.

banana468

I think you can count on never getting the money back.

What I would have done was to ask them what their budget was for attire.  Then it's known that it's THEIR money.  If you did that and they still think that they're somehow paying you back by buying their attire, that's rather sad.

So next, just move on from the situation.  They sound like they're miserable and taking out their unhappiness on you two.  Don't let them spoil your fun.

banana468

It really sounds like FBIL is a sad, grumpy dude.

No wonder his marriage is on the rocks!

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_struggling-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:16f4e227-faf0-43ab-8a9e-acc4e87c8ca2Post:8609b506-e6a5-4a2d-8d9a-9a2bd344e949">Re: Struggling and need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks Moderator!  I guess I should have mentioned that the we did not actually let them borrow money my FI did some work for his brother and it was rightfully owed to my FI.  But we actually did get the money...on Christmas day in front of the whole family his brother threw the check at him and said "HERE'S YOUR DA*M MONEY, NOW MAYBE YOU WILL STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT IT!!"
Posted by cfoxwheeler[/QUOTE]

If you want a really honest opinion ... based on what you said in the original post (below), I don't think that Christmas Day - in front of a bunch of loved ones - was a good time to talk about this. Either you guys shouldn't have brought it up at that point ... or if Wes was the one to bring it up, you both could've said, "Now isn't really a good time to talk about it. Let's just enjoy the holidays, and in a week or two we'll sit down in private and work this out together."

It certainly sounds like he overreacted, but you and FI were also in the wrong if you either brought up the topic of the money, or didn't put a stop to it if HE brought it up. I would definitely refrain from talking about money in public again.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_struggling-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:16f4e227-faf0-43ab-8a9e-acc4e87c8ca2Post:8609b506-e6a5-4a2d-8d9a-9a2bd344e949">Re: Struggling and need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]While we were over at Wes' Uncle's house the conversation came up about the money and his bro just flat out told us in front of everyone that our wedding is a big inconvenience and that he did not owe us anything and that is why they went to Vegas and married.
Posted by cfoxwheeler[/QUOTE]

LuluP82

Ugh I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a sort of similar issue when I was planning my wedding. I was talking about plans with my dad and stepmom, since they paid for the bulk of the reception, and my sister kept jumping in and saying, "I don't know why you're bothering to do all this, when I get married I'm going to go to Vegas and do it in a bikini by the pool. This is so stupid" etc etc etc. It was really hurting my feelings, and my stepmom finally jumped in and said she coudl do whatever she wanted when it was her wedding, but this was mine and I was doing what I wanted to do.

I think that's what you should say if it gets directly mentioned to you-- say something like "Yes, I know this isn't necessary, but it's what I've always wanted to do for my wedding. You had yours how you wanted it, let me have mine the way I want it. " Otherwise, just try to ignore it (and I know from experience it's hard!)

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_struggling-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:16f4e227-faf0-43ab-8a9e-acc4e87c8ca2Post:6972b9fe-b2c6-4c45-aa66-197801eb2f76">Re: Struggling and need some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a sort of similar issue when I was planning my wedding. I was talking about plans with my dad and stepmom, since they paid for the bulk of the reception, and my sister kept jumping in and saying, "I don't know why you're bothering to do all this, when I get married I'm going to go to Vegas and do it in a bikini by the pool. This is so stupid" etc etc etc. It was really hurting my feelings, and my stepmom finally jumped in and said she coudl do whatever she wanted when it was her wedding, but this was mine and I was doing what I wanted to do. I think that's what you should say if it gets directly mentioned to you-- say something like "Yes, I know this isn't necessary, but it's what I've always wanted to do for my wedding. You had yours how you wanted it, let me have mine the way I want it. " Otherwise, just try to ignore it (and I know from experience it's hard!)
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]
Um, you situation isn't remotely like OP's.  If you want to talk about yourself, start your own thread.

megk8oz

Something I think everybody needs to learn in life: "Never lend out money expecting to get it back". 

I could never imagine myself not paying somebody back any amount of borrowed money, but I also know that not everybody follows my personal ethics code, and some people just don't pay back.

Brother has not only told your FI in private, but he's also made a "public" family announcement that he's not giving you your money back-I would just believe him at this point. If he asks to borrow money again in the future, and you can't afford for him to not pay you back, just tell him you're sorry, but the Bank of Cfox & FI is closed.

megandjay

They sound like debbie downer-central. I agree with mbcdefg, the next time it comes up just say:
"Look. You've been invited to participate in our wedding. If you don't want to do it, fine, just attend as a guest. And if you don't want to attend as a guest, then that's fine as well."

Then walk away. And don't talk about it anymore, even if they try to bait you into an argument.

And definitely don't talk about it with other people around, that will just get ugly and drama-ridden.