Un-ask a BM....??? I had to do it...

bablingbrooke

I totally agree that it sucks and is not cool for friends to not come through for another friend at an important time in her life.  I agree 100%.  But you can choose to either be really stressed out about it, or to just decide that these things happen and try to move on.  

It's not easy; I had many moments when I just wanted to tell my sister off and boot her out.  But now I'm really glad I didn't.  And her list of "war crimes" is long: she waited until the day before my OOT bach party to tell my friends that she wasn't coming (she didn't respond for 3 months and my friends didn't want to plan something my sister couldn't be a part of); she treated my ILs and the officiant badly at the rehearsal; she brought several of her friends to the wedding uninvited; I really could go on and on.  Prior to the wedding I was really upset, but once DH and I saw each other on the wedding day nothing could upset me or him.  

I say all this to try to impress that these things may seem like a big deal now, but it probably won't after the wedding, and you don't want to say or do things that you can't take back if they will have long-reaching implications.  If I could have a stress-free wedding, anyone can! 

I've posted this before but I've noticed that the BM/Bride issues usually stem from one of the following scenarios (based on what I've gathered from being on these boards a long time):

1. The bride asked someone she hasn't been close with in years but wants to "honor" the friendship by asking her to be a BM. Usually the BM is uninterested or not involved (not unexpected given the fact that they aren't close) and the bride is disappointed.

2.  The friend was never a "wedding" person, was always flaky and unreliable, and/or just not a very good friend and the bride expects that to change for the wedding.

3.  The bride has done something to upset the BM and now the friendship is in trouble.

4.  The friendship is over for other reasons and the wedding is just exacerbating problems that were already there, like alcohol.

The point of listing these is to say that these can all be dealt with as friend-to-friend issues, and maybe you do realize that the friendship wasn't meant to be long-lasting anyway.  But to focus on the relationship, not the wedding.

RogueQueen

Some people get stressed, some dont. Some people get help with their weddings, others dont. Some people have very elaborate wedding with details, others dont. some people have things go smoothly, others get hiccups every time the turn around. No one should make judgements, everyones situation is different, your life isnt mine and vice versa. Kudos of you who have perfect lives, weddings, friends, etc.

For the rest of us we are doing the best we can.

missejayne

I had to do that with a sister in law!!! Some people are just too selfish!

bablingbrooke

You'd be hard-pressed to find someone here who had a perfect wedding.  It's all in how you choose to respond to the inevitable problems that come up with a wedding.  

Alli Paige

Why is it acceptable for a Bridesmaid to not feel obligated to stay in the wedding, but unacceptable for a Bride to not keep a Bridesmaid in the wedding party?  I think every situation is personal and none of us are in a position to judge.  Personally, there are some of us who simply are not interested in the games.  I agree with everyone, a friendship is at stake.  But why isn't the bridesmaid being run through the ringer for being rude and inconsiderate?  If she really wanted to be there for her friend, then she would put her discomfort with her ex aside and just ignore him.  I don't appreciate how so many people are acting like she's terrible for her decision,  maybe there is more to the relationship and this is just the last straw.

KatCarlson

Wow girls.  I did not mean for it to come to this. 
My Friend and i have a unique situation.  Financially there was no way that she could do it and i couldn't fly her in from anywhere USA becuase it is not with in my budget, since my Fiance and I are flipping hte bill.  We have looked into all of our efforts to get her there and it just will not work.  She will forever be my MOH and good friend.  I have not moved anyone in her place and have not named a new MOH.  My other BMs will come together and play that role as they already have done.  I guess my email sounded rather catty but i asure you that i am not and have the patience of a saint.  She was looking for a way out since October and financially that was her last way out.  That is what i have deduced from the situation.  She still has asked me to move up my wedding but she can't tell me when and just gives me a window.  She still wants her husband there.  equally thus more money. 
I have deposits down for the original date and it costs $$ to move those dates.  She really didn't have to worry about that for her first wedding since much of it was given to her by her church. (slight anoyance there)
But i am okay and i will take some of your suggestions into consideration.  I will place her in my program as my original MOH.

Let's cheer up!!!  No use ripping each other apart over one simple reach out.  Everyone's book is different and you can't judge it by the cover.

gottahavashorti

If that was the issue, you could have told her that you were unable to foot her travel costs and leave the decision about attending the wedding up to her.  How did your friend take being removed from the bridal party?

To the PP who asked, it comes across as a very bridezilla move to kick out a BM unless she does something horrible to you and your FI - regardless of whether the BM was being rude as well.  Otherwise, I think that if the friend does something that is friendship ending, it is okay to end the friendship and following that it would be understod that she is no longer in the WP.

aerinpegadrak

Well, you've discovered for yourself what I mentioned earlier: if you kick out a BM, everyone who hears about it will think you're a big ol' bridezilla.  It's not exactly a move that elicts sympathy or understanding for the bride.  Ever.

LarissaAnn

Someone said that declining to be in a wedding is a friendship-ending move.  Absolutely not true!

If your friend ditches you because you decline a place in her wedding party, she sucks as a friend.  And no way should you end a friendship because someone else can't be in your wedding.  That's insane.

I have a very good friend who declined my request that she be a bridesmaid in my wedding.  She came as a guest.  She's still one of my closest friends, 9 months post-wedding... even came to keep my H company yesterday when he was sitting at a crappy craft fair with our soap and I had to run to a face painting gig for a couple hours.  Then we all went to dinner, and then to petco so my H could help her pick a betta for a pet (he knows fish) and then back to her place, where she proceeded to give us a bunch of records she doesn't want anymore and lend us "The Dark Crystal."

Why on earth would a friendship like that have ended because she didn't feel she could be in my wedding?!

banana468

I said it before in this thread but the issue is not in WHAT gets done but in HOW it's done.

With wedding planning and in life, there are good and bad ways to approach people. 

duckie1905

Your situation is no more unique or different than the 10 bagazillion girls that post on here everyday singing their "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" and asking why they can't kick their BMs to the curb.  You kicked her out and that is pretty much that.  You could've let her make the decision to not attend or to step down but you kicked her out which in 99% of cases (including yours) make you look like a mega-zilla.

In your case, there was no reason to kick her to the curb.  You made your decisions and your wedding is not hers to plan, or change, or otherwise arrange to meet her specific ideas, guestlist, or schedule.  So, instead of simply saying "I'm sorry but I can't afford to pay for you to travel.  I would love to have you there but completely understand if you can't afford it" you booted her and thus, made things 1000 times more difficult and drama-filled than they needed to be.