Wedding party poopers

amilinia

Everybody in my wedding party are party poopers including my MOH. Like they are even related to me and can't even get themselves involved. I have five months before my wedding and I do not have anything organized. I thought wedding planning was suppose to be fun but now it seems to be a spin off of bridezillas. Oh just to check everybody I am not a bridezilla yet I am a little bit obessed with wedding planning but what bride isn't when they are DIY. We are on a tight budget and I can't even get the girls to come together and pick out dresses with me. All I hear from them is "I do not want to look like a bottle of pepto bismuth". My MOH just told me to go get a wedding coordinator and I wanted to ask her can you pay for it ? Everybody wants to complain that they are here to help me but they really do not. Most of my issues are with the bridesmaids only because the groom never answers their phones.

May be I should kill the wedding party completely?

tidetravel

I voted yes, but that's more for their benefit than for yours.  No one needs a friend like you.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:d1ad839f-debf-4ad3-89e8-8b058ae0b3c9">Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]Everybody in my wedding party are party poopers including my MOH. Like they are even related to me and can't even get themselves involved. I have five months before my wedding and I do not have anything organized. I thought wedding planning was suppose to be fun but now it seems to be a spin off of bridezillas. Oh just to check everybody I am not a bridezilla yet I am a little bit obessed with wedding planning but what bride isn't when they are DIY. We are on a tight budget and I can't even get the girls to come together and pick out dresses with me. All I hear from them is "I do not want to look like a bottle of pepto bismuth". My MOH just told me to go get a wedding coordinator and I wanted to ask her can you pay for it ? Everybody wants to complain that they are here to help me but they really do not. Most of my issues are with the bridesmaids only because the groom never answers their phones. May be I should kill the wedding party completely?
Posted by amilinia[/QUOTE]

trix1223

Yes you should be getting rid of them.  You'll be doing them the biggest favor they've ever received if you give them their freedom from the  indentured servitude that you seem to believe being a member of a WP creates.

[Deleted User]

Wow. That is all I have. I think you ladies have said the rest.

ckonidak

You and your FI should be the ones planning your wedding. It's not the BP's job. The other girls have covered the rest of what I'd say, so I'll end it here.  

WOW.

kathrynhabibti

I call troll.

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:fa3d0ada-5a05-4fbc-9ee9-381b696070e9">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]I call troll.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

I thought so too at first, but if you look at her post history, she seems legit.  Usually a troll will only have one or two posts, but this one has more that some realistic.

mkrupar

Ditto Tide and Trix. You would be doing your "friends' a favor. I say "friends" because clearly you just want them to be your wedding slaves. You and your FI plan the wedding. BMs show up in dresses, carry flowers, and smile for pictures. If they offer to do more, great, but you can't force them to. I love how you clarify you're not a bridezilla, when clearly you are exhibiting signs of that behavior.

jagore08

You sound like a real prize.  

megk8oz

First off, if you feel that your BMs need to pick up the slack because your FI is ignoring your calls and not helping you plan, then you don't have a "WP problem", you have a "FI problem".

The only people that are actually responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI ... and a professional coordinator (If you choose to hire one) that would be receiving a paycheck to do so.

Your WP is not obilgated to do anything more for you than get the attire and show up on time to the ceremony wearing it. Anything else that they volunteer to do for you is just icing on the big white cake. You're supposed to ask the people you love best, not the people you think will do the most unpaid labor for you.

Wedding planning is only as hard as the couple choose to make it-even brides on tiny budgets. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, it's time to re-think some of your choices (And I do not mean the "choice" of who's in the WP) and scale back to something you can handle.

MyNameIsNot

Wait, the groom isn't talking to you, and you are still planning a wedding?  Are you sure he's even planning to be there?

trix1223

Pepto bismuth?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:ef1f8883-9d5d-45b6-94f9-f5b6d470e9db">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, the groom isn't talking to you, and you are still planning a wedding?  Are you sure he's even planning to be there?
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
No joke.  You've got bigger problems, sweetheart.

The bare minimum that a bridesmaid or maid of honor has to do is get the dress, walk down the aisle, and smile for pictures.  Most friends are willing to do more than the bare minimum, but they're usually only willing to do that when their "friend" isn't way up their ass about how they're dropping the ball and ruining her special daaaaay (even when her daaaaay isn't for months).

So sure, kick them all out.  Your friends are better off without someone who treats them like that.

Summer2011Bride

I think you are way out of line for expecting them to do all this stuff. It is YOUR wedding and YOU and FI are responsible for planning it. If people WANT to help, that is icing on the proverbial cake. You can politely ask, "Would you mind coming with to look at BM dresses?" but if they don't want to or can't, that's the end of it. Say, "OK, I will send you some pics of ones I look at."

Please either let them out of the WP (doing THEM a favor) or check yourself. They do not have duties and are not at your beck and call. I am surprised they haven't already asked to be out of the wedding. They sound like some great friends; don't lose them by acting this way.

orangecrush32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:494b0d6a-c8dd-42c3-8fe0-c80bf3ac21da">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]Pepto bismuth?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what my response was going to be.

And hun, it sounds like your FI is missing in action, so before I went bridezilla, I'd figure out if I was still a bride. ;)

lauraalanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:a1abe071-910a-4e90-b114-bc41775c397a">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, if you feel that your BMs need to pick up the slack because your FI is ignoring your calls and not helping you plan, then you don't have a "WP problem", you have a "FI problem". The only people that are actually responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI ... and a professional coordinator (If you choose to hire one) that would be receiving a paycheck to do so. Your WP is not obilgated to do anything more for you than get the attire and show up on time to the ceremony wearing it. Anything else that they volunteer to do for you is just icing on the big white cake. You're supposed to ask the people you love best, not the people you think will do the most unpaid labor for you.<strong> Wedding planning is only as hard as the couple choose to make it-even brides on tiny budgets. So if you're feeling overwhelmed, it's time to re-think some of your choices (And I do not mean the "choice" of who's in the WP) and scale back to something you can handle.</strong>
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]


I completely agree with the scaling back suggestion if the DIY is too overwhelming for just you.

I was going to go for a DIY approach but realized that sometimes it's easier to pay more for things you don't have to worry about doing yourself.

I know you said you're on a budget so paying more might not be the best option if funds are limited but maybe try doing some of the DIY in advance to avoid scrambling at the last minute. My wedding is in May and I'm going to start with the favors and everything within the next two months so that when April/May rolls around I'm not freaking out.

Also,parents,siblings,and maybe even some of your soon to be family in-law members can help you with stuff rather than relying on your BMs,which don't seem to be too interested as it is.

Either way,just remember what is really going to be important five years down the road-some big DIY project that takes you a month to do probably isn't going to top the list. Try to keep things in perspective and make things as easy as possible.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:ca25d96f-ab1e-4700-979e-e628beec1939">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding party poopers : I completely agree with the scaling back suggestion if the DIY is too overwhelming for just you. I was going to go for a DIY approach but realized that sometimes it's easier to pay more for things you don't have to worry about doing yourself. I know you said you're on a budget so paying more might not be the best option if funds are limited but <strong>maybe try doing some of the DIY in advance to avoid scrambling at the last minute.</strong> My wedding is in May and I'm going to start with the favors and everything within the next two months so that when April/May rolls around I'm not freaking out. Also,parents,siblings,and maybe even some of your soon to be family in-law members can help you with stuff rather than relying on your BMs,which don't seem to be too interested as it is. Either way,just remember what is really going to be important five years down the road-some big DIY project that takes you a month to do probably isn't going to top the list. Try to keep things in perspective and make things as easy as possible.
Posted by lauraalanna[/QUOTE]
Big ol' ditto to this.  I had a TON of DIY for my wedding, and I started way early.  I think the invitations were designed at 10 months out, and assembled at about 4.  Then when it came time to mail them, the envelopes just had to be addressed and stuffed.  Same with my paper flowers; they actually required many, many steps and dozens of hours of work to complete, but I started at about 8 months out and did the work on road trips or an hour at a time while sitting in front of the TV, so it never felt overwhelming or burdensome and got done on time.

Make a list of all the DIY projects currently under consideration, no matter how big or small.  Even if it's just wrapping up a shoe box to hold your cards, put it on there.  Rank the projects in order of how important they are to you, from absolutely must have to can be skipped entirely if necessary.  Then take a rough estimate of how many hours of labor you estimate each project will take, and double it.  (Trust me.)  Use those two sets of data to make a timeline of your projects.  We ended up dropping a couple of projects (like making a bunch of stuff for a dessert bar), but they weren't projects we were particularly attached to or that were terribly missed.

Remember that your time is valuable too.  So for instance, it might end up being better to order cheap invites from Vistaprint than to make them all yourself.  But you really can't be depending on your BMs to bail you out if you get in over your head.  They didn't make the call to do the wedding in a certain way, that's your choice.  They probably will be willing to help once things get closer, as long as you don't abuse the privilege.

amilinia

Thanks aerinpegadrak I really need to start organizing my wedding projects. I am trying to make use of my wedding checklist. Thanks again!

amilinia

Correction to my first post the groomsmen never answer their phone. My FI and I live together ladies so I pretty see him everyday. Thanks ladies

Robyn5298

When I first became engaged I (like you) thought there was a long list of bridesmaid's responsibilities.  I think many people have the expectation that their bridesmaids are going to get excited about going dress shopping, help the bride stuff invitations, and plan awesome pre-wedding parties.  While many girls do do those things when their friends get married, quite a few of them don't.

Of course you can always ask them for help if you need it.  They are your closest friends, after all.  But the truth is, all they need to do is get their dress, show up clean and sober, and smile for pictures.  If that's all you expect from them, anything above and beyond is icing on the cake!  I bet if you adjust your expectations you'll be a lot happier with your planning process.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:f9ba77c7-bef4-4291-a4b7-8bb73f4dbac8">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]Correction to my first post<strong> the groomsmen never answer their phone</strong>. My FI and I live together ladies so I pretty see him everyday. Thanks ladies
Posted by amilinia[/QUOTE]


Well, that doesn't change my answer. It's not your groomsmens' jobs to help plan the wedding either. Again: the <strong>only</strong> people that are responsible to plan are you and your FI ( ... and a professional coordinator, if you're giving one a paycheck to do so).

graysquirrel

Your BMs are right-- they are not your wedding planners and don't need to help you. It is a huge misconception to think that BM=co-planner. Their only job is to wear the dress and show up. Saying yes to being in your WP does not mean that they become your wedding slaves. Step back a minute and think about this. If you were a BM and the bride told you to help more or get out, you'd probably tell her where to stuff her bouquet. It sounds to me like you need to conscript FI to help make decisions, purchases, and crafts, not your BMs!

As to your dress problem... If they still have not picked out a dress, I would nicely push them to settle on a time when they can join you at the bridal salon and pick one out. Some places take 6 mo to get the dresses in and altered, and you only have 5. Tell them that if they want to be in the WP, they need to pick and order a dress by a certain date or they will not have one. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:a759c6fa-c315-48d1-9d67-38be5266b12e">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]Your BMs are right-- they are not your wedding planners and don't need to help you. It is a huge misconception to think that BM=co-planner. Their only job is to wear the dress and show up. Saying yes to being in your WP does not mean that they become your wedding slaves. Step back a minute and think about this. If you were a BM and the bride told you to help more or get out, you'd probably tell her where to stuff her bouquet. It sounds to me like you need to conscript FI to help make decisions, purchases, and crafts, not your BMs! As to your dress problem... If they still have not picked out a dress, I would nicely push them to settle on a time when they can join you at the bridal salon and pick one out. <strong>Some places take 6 mo to get the dresses in and altered, and you only have 5. </strong>Tell them that if they want to be in the WP, they need to pick and order a dress by a certain date or they will not have one. 
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]
Well yeah, some places take that long, but they're few and far between.  Most places take closer to 2-3 months, so you just shouldn't shop at the places that take longer. 

You also don't have to get them all to go shopping at the same time, it's far more trouble than it's worth.  Either ask them to choose their own entirely, or let them look (in person or online) on their own time and let you know their favorites, and you can put it to a vote to determine the best one.

Though I highly advocate just letting them choose their own within certain guidelines, especially if you're having trouble getting them to reach a decision.  Identical dresses are going out of style for a reason.

deepcovejackie

If your MOH told you get get a wedding coordinator, then you're asking too much of her.  You're just not getting it.  Your WP are not responsible for planning your wedding.

mikeynkrib2011

i know i will prob get flamed for this, but i am genuinely just asking because i'm confused.

there are all sorts of web definitions and links even on theknot.com that  refer to bridesmaids as helpful 'maids' to the bride (i'm just highlighting that for emphasis on helping...it's in the name!).

some of the tasks they generally help with (according to lots of different sites and such) describe helping pick a BM dress, gown shopping with the bride, putting together favors, and being there for the bride the day of (adjust her dress for pics, help her pee if her dress is big, blah blah blah).

i mean, truthfully, these don't seem like astronomical requests.  and yes, if the BM's want to decline they certainly can.  i have to admit some of my BM's did, and i was so thankful that one lady decided to help because I was getting overwhelmded!

i just can't imagine telling one of my friends, who obviously needs my help with stuff, "No, I won't help you because that's not my job". 

now as a bridesmaid i wouldn't want someone demanding me to do stuff either, and i'm in no way condoning people who do.  

i'm truly asking because i don't know where the notion came from that bridesmaids don't help the bride? 

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:f5ea39a0-9dbf-4b03-a94d-9ad7f3a2f94f">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]i know i will prob get flamed for this, but i am genuinely just asking because i'm confused. <span style="font-weight:bold;">there are all sorts of web definitions and links even on </span>theknot<span style="font-weight:bold;">.com that  refer to bridesmaids as helpful 'maids' to the brid</span>e (i'm just highlighting that for emphasis on helping...it's in the name!). some of the tasks they generally help with (according to lots of different sites and such) describe helping pick a BM dress, gown shopping with the bride, putting together favors, and being there for the bride the day of (adjust her dress for pics, help her pee if her dress is big, blah blah blah). i mean, truthfully, these don't seem like astronomical requests.  and yes, if the BM's want to decline they certainly can.  i have to admit some of my BM's did, and i was so thankful that one lady decided to help because I was getting overwhelmded! i just can't imagine telling one of my friends, who obviously needs my help with stuff, "No, I won't help you because that's not my job".  now as a bridesmaid i wouldn't want someone demanding me to do stuff either, and i'm in no way condoning people who do.  <strong> i'm truly asking because i don't know where the notion came from that bridesmaids don't  help the bride</strong>? 
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

Ok, I'm really not "flaming" you, I'm just going to set you straight on some things.

These websites (Including The Knot) are businesses looking to make money. And those "To-Do" lists include a lot of stuff that entail spending money-preferably through said website. They just want you to buy 700 favors that need to be assembled-they don't care how you get them assembled, so it's easy to say "Well, it's your BMs job to do it". They want you to tell your BMs to throw you expensive bach parties and showers-even though it's incredibly rude to tell somebody to throw a party for you, because your BMs will have to spend money (Preferably through said website) to put these parties together.


The wedding industry does not, does not, does not give a sh!t if you and your friends still like each other after  your "spashul day" is over. They don't have to be friends with you, they don't see you at Christmas, they don't care if your wedding turns you into a raging b!tch that nobody wants to be around anymore.They just want to bleed you, your friends, your mom, your sisters, your cousins ... pretty much anybody they can get their hands on, for every last dime they can get out of you. That may sound harsh, but it's the truth.


This notion of "you don't have to help the bride" actually isn't a "new trend", that's exactly how it was <span style="font-weight:bold;">before</span> wedding websites came along and started feeding brides the idea that  yes, you must lord over your weddings with an iron fist, and yes, your wedding <span style="font-weight:bold;">is</span> more important than your relationships with your friends and family. When my mom got married the first time, almost 30 years ago, BMs were truly not expected to do anything more than "get the dress and show up wearing it" (That wasn't my mom being "laid back" either, that really was how it was for the most part). Showers (Which are not manadatory) were usually thrown by family members, bach parties didn't exist for women, and having 7 million time consuming DIY projects was unheard of.

If BMs want to do more than just get the dress, and can help the bride, that's great! But they aren't obligated to, and a bride can't expect them to. And somebody who only gets the dress for whatever reason (Money, children, work ... just not being interested in weddings in general) hasn't done anything wrong. "Bridesmaid" does not actually mean "Bride's Maid".

trix1223

Can I also sign meg's post.  Because she's exactly right.

And I'll vouch for her explanation of her mom's wedding:  because I'm on these boards as a former MOG and MOB.  So I know that 32 years ago when I was married, it was literally that my BMs showed up for the rehearsal and wedding.  Not a single other thing.  And it never occurred to us that they should.

The wedding industry has become a billion dollar industry and they've done it by masterfully playing into the "pretty princess day" fantasy.  Unfortunately, far too many women have bought into it, lock, stock, and barrel!

megandjay

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-poopers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:186d248e-2a77-49b7-a67b-b1c1e3b622e0Post:f5ea39a0-9dbf-4b03-a94d-9ad7f3a2f94f">Re: Wedding party poopers</a>:
[QUOTE]i know i will prob get flamed for this, but i am genuinely just asking because i'm confused. there are all sorts of web definitions and links even on theknot.com that  refer to bridesmaids as helpful 'maids' to the bride (i'm just highlighting that for emphasis on helping...it's in the name!). some of the tasks they generally help with (according to lots of different sites and such) describe helping pick a BM dress, gown shopping with the bride, putting together favors, and being there for the bride the day of (adjust her dress for pics, help her pee if her dress is big, blah blah blah). i mean, truthfully, these don't seem like astronomical requests.  and yes, if the BM's want to decline they certainly can.  i have to admit some of my BM's did, and i was so thankful that one lady decided to help because I was getting overwhelmded! i just can't imagine telling one of my friends, who obviously needs my help with stuff, "No, I won't help you because that's not my job".  now as a bridesmaid i wouldn't want someone demanding me to do stuff either, and i'm in no way condoning people who do.   i'm truly asking because i don't know where the notion came from that bridesmaids don't  help the bride? 
Posted by mikeynkrib2011[/QUOTE]

The difference I think is that they are not unpaid labor required to "work" for your wedding.

However, as a former BM (and Bride), friends often help out with a lot of these things. When I was a BM I helped to throw showers, go bridal and BM dress shopping and make table numbers. This is because I offered and was available and happy to help. Had I been mandated by the bride I might have come up with an excuse!

Treat your bridesmaids like friends, and they might just volunteer to help you out!