Wedding party blues

slanad1978

My best friend from High School (14 years ago) who still lives close to our home town, still views me as her best friend even though we haven't seen each other in over 3 years and talk only a few times a year.  One of our good friends from high school moved to NYC just like me and we've been inseperable for the last 5 years.  I've asked this friend to be my 1 friend who stands up for me at the wedding.  This friend is the one who has seen my love with my FH blossom & grow & is a huge part of both of our lives.  My old best-friend is furious at me.  We can't have more than 1 family & 1 friend as our wedding party or it will get out of control.  My fiance is one of 6 children & I have way too many close friends.  We just want everyone to have fun.  Am I really a terrible friend for doing this? I've asked my old best friend to help with somethings in the wedding so that she can feel a part of it (she really, really wants to help) but now she feels used.  How do I tell her that my decision to not have her as a bridesmaid says nothing about how much I value the friendship that we had.  She lives too far away and doesn't know me & my fiance like my BF here does.  What can I do to smooth things over?  She's saying she doesn't even want to come if I'm not going to honor the promise that we made to each other in high school.  Shouldn't she just grow up and face reality?  I'm inviting her and have asked her to help, that means that she's very special.  What do I do? 

gottahavashorti

"I'm sorry you feel that way.  If everyone we loved dearly was standing up with us, no one would get to sit and enjoy the ceremony!"

To make her feel special, you could put a picture with her on your "must take" list and send her a framed copy.

blackfire5th

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:fe61830b-d816-457a-8b17-bdae6c66179b">Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE] Shouldn't she just grow up and face reality?  I'm inviting her and have asked her to help, that means that she's very special.  What do I do? 
Posted by slanad1978[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, she should grow up.  You really don't owe her an explanation.  Trying to tell her why she wasn't good enough won't help heal the hurt.  </div><div>
</div><div>I would stop discussing it with her.  The fact is that being a guest is also an honor.  Since she feels used, I would stop asking her for help.  When she offers, you could say that you need help with x, y, and z and see what she would like to do, but at the same time I would really expect her to come through.</div><div>
</div><div>If you are trying to include her in the ceremony (which is probably what she wants when she says she wants to help), you could ask her to do a reading.  I seen some people have a special person to light the candles before the ceremony.</div><div>
</div><div>Another unpopular task would be guest book attendant, although many people view this as a job and not an honor at all.  I know my guest book attendant felt very honored, but she was 12.  I also believe that Meg had a good experience as a guestbook attendant as well.  It really depends on your circle.</div><div>
</div><div>If she really isn't that close to you anymore, I would just send her the invite and leave it in her hands.</div>

aerinpegadrak

You could invite her to get ready with you.  That's usually the best part of being a bridesmaid anyway. 

But if she doesn't understand that you're trying to keep things small and you're not as close as you once were, that's on her.  Just try not to dwell on the wedding with her, because she might see that as kind of rubbing it in.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:fe61830b-d816-457a-8b17-bdae6c66179b">Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend from High School (14 years ago) who still lives close to our home town, still views me as her best friend even though we haven't seen each other in over 3 years and talk only a few times a year.  One of our good friends from high school moved to NYC just like me and we've been inseperable for the last 5 years.  I've asked this friend to be my 1 friend who stands up for me at the wedding.  This friend is the one who has seen my love with my FH blossom & grow & is a huge part of both of our lives.  My old best-friend is furious at me.  We can't have more than 1 family & 1 friend as our wedding party or it will get out of control.  My fiance is one of 6 children & I have way too many close friends.  We just want everyone to have fun.  Am I really a terrible friend for doing this? I've asked my old best friend to help with somethings in the wedding so that she can feel a part of it (she really, really wants to help) but now she feels used.  How do I tell her that my decision to not have her as a bridesmaid says nothing about how much I value the friendship that we had.  She lives too far away and doesn't know me & my fiance like my BF here does.  What can I do to smooth things over?  She's saying she doesn't even want to come if I'm not going to honor the promise that we made to each other in high school.  Shouldn't she just grow up and face reality?  I'm inviting her and have asked her to help, that means that she's very special.  What do I do? 
Posted by slanad1978[/QUOTE]

Next time, please use paragraphs.  That was really hard to read.

I'm still stuck on "we can't have more than 1 friend + 1 family." 

WPs are NOT about symmetry.  If you want your friend, have your friend.  Your wedding will not implode if you have one more person than your FI has. 

Think about it:  you're telling your friend that a random number is more important than thevery long term friendship that you've had.

Please reconsider basing your decision on symmetry.  It's just a bad reason.

saxy414

Whatever you do, don't explain why she did not make the cut, that doesn't make any one feel better.  I like the ideas of asking her to do a reading or get ready with you.  I wasn't a BM in one of my best friend's weddings--I was a little bummed at first, but she asked me to sing, and I still felt very honored to be a part of the day.  If she's an adult, hopefully she'll get over it.

gottahavashorti

Trix, I could be completely off base but I read the 1 friend + 1 family thing as being more of a way to keep the WP size from getting out of hand.  Someone FI knows limited her WP to 1 friend from home and 1 from school because she coudln't ask 1 friend from home without asking 7 and didn't want a big WP.

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:6e2004f0-3c86-40ff-839a-687d125229aa">Re: Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever you do, don't explain why she did not make the cut, that doesn't make any one feel better.  I like the ideas of asking her to do a reading or get ready with you.  I wasn't a BM in one of my best friend's weddings--I was a little bummed at first, but she asked me to sing, and I still felt very honored to be a part of the day.  If she's an adult, hopefully she'll get over it.
Posted by saxy414[/QUOTE]
Same thing here - I was bummed not to be a BM, but happy to sing.  We were also added to the "must take" list of photos and helped a lot with the pre-wedding prep (DIY favors, anyone?  According to her, I tie the prettiest bows).

phut_action

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:a3c4e6a5-c0c2-44e2-b4fe-c661011719e3">Re: Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Wedding party blues : Next time, please use paragraphs.  That was really hard to read. I'm still stuck on "we can't have more than 1 friend + 1 family."  WPs are NOT about symmetry.  If you want your friend, have your friend.  Your wedding will not implode if you have one more person than your FI has.  Think about it:  you're telling your friend that a random number is more important than thevery long term friendship that you've had. Please reconsider basing your decision on symmetry.  It's just a bad reason.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

If you can't read a large paragraph then get glasses.

She can have as many or as few people stand up with her as she wants, if she only wants 1 then she only wants 1. I completely get that if you ask 1 friend, others in the same group may be offended by being excluded, so if you want to keep it small then do it.

The friend from high school needs to stop acting like she's still in high school.

I think having her do a reading or some other role is fine.

GRITS86

I faced a similar problem with a good friend of mine. She was one of my orginal 4 BM's, but then I felt like I was forced to have my future sister in law, so I moved my friend and titled her as My right hand lady. Which has now changed, b/c sis in law starting showing her butt over everything, so my honey decided himself to take his sister out, my friend stepped right up and things are settlering down and moving on better w/o the sister in law as a BM...and just think your MOH will busy getting ready also, and you need someone to be there for you not worring about getting ready for pics. I would have her with you for all your prewedding appt...hair, nails, and getting into your dress. She will be able to be able to be with all day as your right lady.

bablingbrooke

Any woman in her 30s who would hold you to a HS promise sounds unstable to me.

Schnebs

I think having her do a reading or something like that would be great.  And inviting her to get ready with you, etc to make her feel included should also work.  If she is STILL not happy at that point then I would ask her if she wants to be up there to say she was a BM or to support you.  Because if offering to include her in stuff doesn't make her happy then I would say she isn't really concerned with your happiness in the long run.

Kaite1117

My FH and I are doing a similar thing. He has 3 brothers and I have 2 sisters. I am only have one of my sister's standup and he is only having one of his brothers standup. His brothers could really care less, but I was suprised how cool and supportive my non-bridesmaid sister was. It turned out she didn't even want to stand up, she wanted to help plan. However, it sounds like your friend had her mind set that she would always stand up in your wedding (and probably vice versa). I agree with other posts that asking her to sing or do a reading is appropriate. I read at a friend's wedding, and felt really important, especially since I was the only reader. It was only, the bride, groom, pastor, and me that actually spoke at the wedding, which made me feel extra special. I also thing that inviting her to get her hair done and other BM acitivites would be nice too. Your friend does need to come around and realize your wedding is YOUR special day. I think she will eventually get over her disappointment and you understanding her and where she is coming from is going to make that a lot easier for her.

MyNameIsNot

What do you mean by asking her to help?  If she's saying she feels used, it sounds like you are giving her crappy tasks.  That does not make people feel included.

I agree with Trix about not basing it on arbitrary numbers.  You can say "We can't have everyone we'd like" but saying "we decided to go with 2 and you don't make the top 2" is nasty.  

crakd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:e1c39a19-8373-46bf-916a-98ffd02e7b61">Re: Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>"I'm sorry you feel that way.  If everyone we loved dearly was standing up with us, no one would get to sit and enjoy the ceremony!" </strong>

To make her feel special, you could put a picture with her on your "must take" list and send her a framed copy.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

perfect.

you don't have to explain yourself.  and anyone who would put up a fuss and insist on being included after you've made it clear really has a poor understanding of "supporting" a friend.

stymitz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-blues-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a14fa81-10a4-4435-8819-2775965f3e62Post:3c8fffe3-ba09-4b52-86a7-68cf3c729701">Re: Wedding party blues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding party blues : If you can't read a large paragraph then get glasses. She can have as many or as few people stand up with her as she wants, if she only wants 1 then she only wants 1. I completely get that if you ask 1 friend, others in the same group may be offended by being excluded, so if you want to keep it small then do it. The friend from high school needs to stop acting like she's still in high school. I think having her do a reading or some other role is fine.
Posted by phut_action[/QUOTE]

amen

cellarius

i would ask her to do a reading. tell her you want her to be a part of it but can' have a thousand ppl snad up there with you. 

jennjep24

a similar thing happened to me, my friend moved out of state and I always wanted her to be in my wedding, even though we don't talk as much as we used to...but i needed my Bridesmaids close to be able to HELP me... I offered her to have a less demanding role (an "usheress") so then she can still be in the grand march since I would have a male and a female usher and they would be in the pictures as well. she declined, and was offended, I explained my situation and explained that she still has a large handprint on my heart and I still love her as my own family, and I told her that I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship, she was understanding and it all blew over. I think you should stick to your guns and I do think it was childish of your friend to get so mad... but if you are nice about it, and let her know that she is still important to you, she should forgive and forget.

Good luck!

Kit483

try not to sweat this - i agree with bablingbrooke - she sounds a little unstable.

enjoy being engaged, and try to enjoy the planning as much as you can. you can have whatever number of people in your wedding party that you want - we decided to have no bridal party, and i can't believe how much i've had to defend that decision - except to my girlfriends, who are psyched!

csabatini

NOT AT ALL!!!! 

I am going though something similar with my wedding party and the way i see it people should just get over it!!!! 

tommyandy

Did she stamp her little foot and say 'but you promised'?  I have been happy to get an invite when anybody I know got married.  I have been even happier that I didn't have to shell out hard earned cash for a wear it once bridesmaid dress & shoes for each wedding.  

Trix1223, there is a character limit for these posts and if you have a lot to say there is no room to indent. 

bryan-kaela89

Yes, she does need to grow up. if you havent seen her in 3 years then why WOULD she stand up with you.  also, if somebody thinks its hard to read something because its not typed in paragraphs then they need to find something else to read.

aerinpegadrak

If you're running up against a character limit, your post is too damn long.  I've seen much longer posts on these boards, and the ones I've actually bothered to read all had reasonable paragraph breaks to make them readable.  It's very difficult to follow a long unbroken wall of text. 

I've never before hit a limit, so I'm not sure what you're talking about.