having a problem w a bridesmaid

APC2011

ive got a bridesmaid who i havent seen since the summer (MID summer) she is one of my old friends from high school and id like her to be in the wedding and i even text her the other day and asked her if she still wanted to be in it. instead of saying "yes" like i thought she would her text back was "y do u ask?" not the response i was excepting from her. she finally said "she would love to be and it would be an honor." i saw her over the weekend and we talked about how long it had been since we had seen each other and i said "yea i havent seen u since i got engaged" expecting MY bridesmaid to say "oh yea let me see ur ring!" "how is the planning going? anything i can do to help?" NOTHING!! i got NOTHING!! ive lost 40 lbs since ive seen her and she didnt say anything about that either!! not that i wanted her to just ask questions and us talk about me but i guess i was expecting alittle more from someone whos IN MY WEDDING!! what should i do?? replace her??

snwilson0416

Um, no you should never replace a bridesmaid. You've already asked her, you cannot kick her out unless you want to completely end the friendship. I can understand being a little disappointed she didn't want to see the ring, but you will hear it time and time again on these boards, nobody is as excited about your wedding as you are.

mbcdefg

Why would you replace her? Because she's not paying enough attention to you? How much attention do you possibly need?

Get over yourself.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-problem-w-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a3504a5-ff5b-4933-80f5-2ce996da2cddPost:2ada374d-7d68-4080-bf27-b45ebdc4a083">having a problem w a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]ive got a bridesmaid who i havent seen since the summer (MID summer) she is one of my old friends from high school and id like her to be in the wedding and i even text her the other day and asked her if she still wanted to be in it. instead of saying "yes" like i thought she would her text back was "y do u ask?" not the response i was excepting from her. she finally said "she would love to be and it would be an honor." i saw her over the weekend and we talked about how long it had been since we had seen each other and i said "yea i havent seen u since i got engaged" expecting MY bridesmaid to say "oh yea let me see ur ring!" "how is the planning going? anything i can do to help?" NOTHING!! i got NOTHING!! ive lost 40 lbs since ive seen her and she didnt say anything about that either!! not that i wanted her to just ask questions and us talk about me but i guess i was expecting alittle more from someone whos IN MY WEDDING!! what should i do?? replace her??
Posted by APC2011[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing.  Your wedding is the biggest thing in your life right now.  It's a pretty consuming time for a bride.  BUT.....on your friend's ranking of important things in HER life, your wedding ranks at about #4,368. 

Your wedding is 11 months away.  Of course she's not excited about it.  Print this out and put it on your mirror where you'll see it EVERY day:  "NO ONE will be as excited about my wedding as I am".  And then read it and believe it.

The next important thing to realize:  she doesn't have to offer to "help" you plan and/or execute your wedding.  It's your wedding.  You and your FI plan and execute it.

If I received a text that asked if I still wanted to be a wedding, my response would be exactly what hers was.  Because the implication of your text is "You're not excited enough about me, and I want you out."  Perhaps it's not what you meant it to be, although I suspect if you look deep into your heart, that IS in fact what you meant.

Finally, I have to ask:  have you contacted her to talk about HER at all?  About what's going on in her life?  And are you willing to lose a years long friendship over a party?  Because that's what you're fixing to do here.

And if you do make a big mistake and actually kick her out, why in heaven's name would you replace her?  How does that conversation with the replacement go?  "You weren't good enough to make the first cut for my WP.  But this girl hasn't done enough for me so she's out.  Now I have an open spot and you'll do."  Now there's an honor!

Step back.  Relax.  She's done absolutely NOTHING to warrant being booted to the curb.  And if you do, people will talk.  And it won't be about her.

ETA:  You don't have a problem with a bridesmaid, as your title said.  You have a problem with your expectation of what a bridesmaid should be.

saisongbird

First things first:  This is not a text message.  Full words, rather than text-speak, is appreciated.  But onto your question:

She's done NOTHING wrong.  Nothing.  She's a human being, not a drone or a slave.  Are you right to be disappointed that a) she didn't ask to see the ring or b) that she didn't comment on your weight loss?  Yes to both.  Can you kick her out for it?  Nope.  Short of sleeping with your fiance or trying to put a hit out on you, or something as drastic as those examples, you can't ever kick out a bridesmaid without becoming bridezilla.

FWIW, I couldn't talk ANYTHING wedding to one of my BMs because she would get depressed and would snap at me - and she lived locally!  Two of my BMs were out of town and while I could vent to them and bounce ideas of off them, they never flat out ASKED how planning was going.

The PP is right, and it's a mantra you need to repeat to yourself:  No one will ever be as excited for my wedding as I am.  Chill out.  Or you could ruin your friendship permanently.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-problem-w-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a3504a5-ff5b-4933-80f5-2ce996da2cddPost:2ada374d-7d68-4080-bf27-b45ebdc4a083">having a problem w a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]ive got a bridesmaid who i havent seen since the summer (MID summer) she is one of my old friends from high school and id like her to be in the wedding and i even text her the other day and asked her if she still wanted to be in it. instead of saying "yes" like i thought she would her text back was "y do u ask?" not the response i was excepting from her. she finally said "she would love to be and it would be an honor." i saw her over the weekend and we talked about how long it had been since we had seen each other and i said "yea i havent seen u since i got engaged" expecting MY bridesmaid to say "oh yea let me see ur ring!" "how is the planning going? anything i can do to help?" NOTHING!! i got NOTHING!! ive lost 40 lbs since ive seen her and she didnt say anything about that either!! not that i wanted her to just ask questions and us talk about me but i guess i was expecting alittle more from someone whos IN MY WEDDING!! what should i do?? replace her??
Posted by APC2011[/QUOTE]
Considering that her only crime was not paying enough attention to your perfect self, kicking her out would be a major bridezilla move. 

Your wedding is the biggest thing happening in your life.  I'd be surprised if it cracked her top ten.  Because it's someone else's party.  Yeah, it would be nice if she showed an interest, but she doesn't really have to, because to about 90% of the population, wedding planning is boring.

Beachy730

Yes you can be a little upset that she didn't mention your weight loss.  Maybe she's jealous?  Yes you can be a little upset that she didn't ask to see your ring, but get over it.  This girl has done nothing wrong, and the fact that you are looking to kick her out over lack of interest is totally a bridezilla move. 

If you text me asking if I still wanted to be a BM I would have the same exact response as her.  I don't know why brides feel that a BM needs to be up to date on every event, and they need to call and check in on a daily or weekly basis.  I had 4 BMs and a MOH.  My MOH was my aunt who lived next door and I saw just about every day.  1 BM lived 5 hours away and we see eachother basically only at holiday.  We talk maybe once every few months.  Another BM lived an hour and half away.  We've gone 2 years without talking when we were in college, and now sometimes go a few weeks.  Another BM I see/talk to every few months.  And another I see every few weeks.  But when push comes to shove, these are my nearest and dearest friends who I know would do anything for me, and are the ones I wanted next to me on my wedding day. 

PP's already said it, but I'll say it again since clearly you need to hear it again.

1.  Get over yourself.

2.  No one will ever be as excited for my wedding as I am.

bablingbrooke

What on earth has she done to deserve being dumped from the WP and then replaced?

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]What on earth has she done to deserve being dumped from the WP and then replaced?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
It's awful, really:
-She asked OP why she asked if she still wanted to be a bridesmaid, instead of gushing "yes". Finally did say that "it would be an honor" but that didn't happen <em>right</em> away.
-She didn't demand to see the ring, or grill her on how planning was going, and didn't even offer to help out or anything.

With friends like that, right?

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

bablingbrooke

Obviously this girl deserves to be kicked to the curb as publicly as possible.  Make an example out of her to the other BMs so they know what needs to be priority #1 from now until D-Day (since this is obviously what she's planning).

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-problem-w-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a3504a5-ff5b-4933-80f5-2ce996da2cddPost:2ada374d-7d68-4080-bf27-b45ebdc4a083">having a problem w a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]ive got a bridesmaid who i havent seen since the summer (MID summer) she is one of my old friends from high school and id like her to be in the wedding and i even text her the other day and asked her if she still wanted to be in it. instead of saying "yes" like i thought she would her text back was "y do u ask?" not the response i was excepting from her. she finally said "she would love to be and it would be an honor." i saw her over the weekend and we talked about how long it had been since we had seen each other and i said "yea i havent seen u since i got engaged" expecting MY bridesmaid to say "oh yea let me see ur ring!" "how is the planning going? anything i can do to help?" NOTHING!! i got NOTHING!! ive lost 40 lbs since ive seen her and she didnt say anything about that either!! not that i wanted her to just ask questions and us talk about me but i guess i was expecting alittle more from someone whos IN MY WEDDING!! what should i do?? replace her??
Posted by APC2011[/QUOTE]
 At this point, you are the only one who cares about your wedding.  I'd be shocked if even your FI is excited at this point. 

When I first got engaged, my wedding is all that I wanted to talk about but knew from lurking at that point on TK to keep quiet.  If I had to get something out, I posted something in the form of a question just so I could talk about it.

I was up at 6:30 the morning of my wedding decorating the garden archway and the hall banister before stopping long enough to eat breakfast before heading out the door for hair and makeup - no volunteers to help me with this.  After that I was making sure everything was being set up correctly, that the caterers and baker had arrived, that the bartender had the signature drink recipe and even stopped in to see the florist for a sneak peak at the flowers. 

You see, I was the only one even at that point who cared about these things (FI was in bed sick most of the day with a stomach bug).  What's going to amaze you even more is that every vendor said I was one of the most laid back bride's they'd ever worked with - the reason was because I was more concerned that they had what they needed from me to get the job done.  By the end of the night, I heard gushing guests congratulating me and FI for putting on the wedding we did without any help from anyone.  After their presence, it was the first acknowledgment we had from most of them that we were even planning a wedding.

marissa_claire

Lady, chill out.  It might be hard to understand because YOU are excited about your wedding and about everything in your life, but there's a lot of people out there who could care less about your wedding and your life.  If you want a cheerleader, that's more what your FI is for.  He should be championing you and proud of you and excited for you, and yes while it's nice when friends are enthusiastic, some just serve different purposes - but cheerleader doesn't have to be one of them.  And on that weight thing (which I am honestly glad to hear, good for you!  I mean that seriously) I have a best friend I only see every couple months and my mom always notices that she's dropped weight and I can honestly never tell, so it might just be that she can't tell either.  I would just calm down and focus more on being a good friend through this process to her as well.  

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_having-problem-w-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1a3504a5-ff5b-4933-80f5-2ce996da2cddPost:2ada374d-7d68-4080-bf27-b45ebdc4a083">having a problem w a bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]ive got a bridesmaid who i havent seen since the summer (MID summer) she is one of my old friends from high school and id like her to be in the wedding and i even text her the other day and asked her if she still wanted to be in it. instead of saying "yes" like i thought she would her text back was "y do u ask?" not the response i was excepting from her. she finally said "she would love to be and it would be an honor." i saw her over the weekend and we talked about how long it had been since we had seen each other and i said "yea i havent seen u since i got engaged" expecting MY bridesmaid to say "oh yea let me see ur ring!" "how is the planning going? anything i can do to help?" NOTHING!! i got NOTHING!! ive lost 40 lbs since ive seen her and she didnt say anything about that either!! not that i wanted her to just ask questions and us talk about me but i guess i was expecting alittle more from someone whos IN MY WEDDING!! <strong>what should i do??</strong> replace her??
Posted by APC2011[/QUOTE]

Learn about capitalization.  Thanks.