Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen

[Deleted User]

UGH! I am so not looking forward to this part of the process. At first he told me he didn't want a bachelor party so for the past year I have been easy breezy.  Yesterday, with 3 months to go he springs it on my that his boys want to go to Vegas or DR. I want to puke. YES I trust my fiance but not his groomsmen. His newer friends are a great influence but his old friends who are his groomsmen are terrible. They all cheat excessivly on their girlfriends and one of them even told a mutual friend of ours that he didn't think we would end up going through with the wedding. Nice huh?! The worst part about this whole thing is he says he doesn't even really want a bach party but his friends do and he wants to do it for his friends. He doesn't drink and he's not really a partier so I dont understand what fun he would have hanging out with a bunch of drunk guys. I told him absolulty NO strippers but God only knows what these guys have in store for him. We are both Christian but none of his friends are so they don't have the same values as we do. My friends are some christian and the rest respectful.  We are going to Miami for a few days to go out to dinner and have drinks and hang out doing girls stuff. I'm sure dinner and drinks is not all that will be on the boys agenda. HELP!!!!

pixiedust84

Do you trust your fiance? If you do and if he deserves that trust then there is nothing his friends can do to make him go against that trust. His friends sound douchetastic but it's his call whether or not to go out with them. They can't make him do things that he doesn't want to.

You are allowed to have an open conversation with him so that he knows what you are and are not comfortable and he can tell you the same. Just be honest and open with him - just because his friends are sucky doesn't mean he is.

[Deleted User]

Douchtastic is a great word for them. I do trust him and I believe he has a mind of his own but I just feel like he is being influenced to have a bach party that he doesn't even want. Whats going to happen when he tells them no stripper and then "knock knock" on the hotel room door. I could see him just rolling with the punches in order to not look like a dork. His friends already give him crap about being "whipped" by me.

mbcdefg

Yesterday, with 3 months to go he springs it on my that his boys want to go to Vegas or DR. I want to puke. YES I trust my fiance but not his groomsmen. His newer friends are a great influence but his old friends who are his groomsmen are terrible.

If you truly trust your FI, then there shouldn't be a problem. A grown man with intelligence and loyalty to his fiancee does not "allow" his freidns to take advantage of him. If your FI is in control of the situation, there will not be a problem. If he gets drunk or lets them push things onto him that he doesn't want, then it's his own fault, and he's a pushover who takes no responsibility for his own actions and blames it on other people.

They all cheat excessivly on their girlfriends and one of them even told a mutual friend of ours that he didn't think we would end up going through with the wedding. Nice huh?!

It's a shame that they do this, but that's not your problem or concern. Your concern is your FI. If you trust him, then there isn't a problem. If you DON'T trust him, then why are you marrying him? Furthermore, why is your FI even friends with a guy who is predicting that he'll get divorced? That speaks LOADS more of your FI's character than the friends' characters. A person is only as good as the company he keeps.

The worst part about this whole thing is he says he doesn't even really want a bach party but his friends do and he wants to do it for his friends. He doesn't drink and he's not really a partier so I dont understand what fun he would have hanging out with a bunch of drunk guys.

He's feeding you a load of crap. If he didn't want to go then he'd refuse to go. He wants to go, which is why he's agreed to go. Unless these guys are literally holding a gun to your FI's head and shoving him into a plane or funneling alcohol down his throat, they cannot force him into anything. He wants to go, and he's just using them as an excuse so you'll be mad at them and not him.

I told him absolulty NO strippers but God only knows what these guys have in store for him. We are both Christian but none of his friends are so they don't have the same values as we do.

Being Christian has nothing to do with this. Non-religious people can still have morals. You are not automatically better than non-Christians.

And as far as them "forcing" him into being around strippers ... again, unless they have a gun to his head, they can't force him to do anything. If he is around strippers, it's his choice. If he gets drunk enough where others can manipulate him, it's his choice. It's not his friends' fault.

My friends are some christian and the rest respectful. 

Quit it with the "We're Christian so we're better" stuff. You're making the rest of us look judgemental and closed-minded.

We are going to Miami for a few days to go out to dinner and have drinks and hang out doing girls stuff. I'm sure dinner and drinks is not all that will be on the boys agenda. HELP!!!!

Get over it. If you trust your FI, there should not be a problem. You don't have to like your FI's friends, but you DO need to trust your FI if you are marrying him. It's bullcrap to say that your FI is an angel but his friends are a bad influence ... your FI is a grown man and he can run his own life. If he is the type of man where his buddies can convince him to do things he know will hurt you, then it's HIS fault. Not his friends' fault. It is as simple as one word (NO) for him to refuse to participate in certain activities, or even to go on this trip at all.

Your FI is using his buddies as an excuse to get away and do things that he wants to do that you are not "allowing" him to do. Either you trust him or you don't. There's no happy medium here, and you cannot transfer the blame onto his friends. If you trust him, stop whining about his "un-Christian" friends and wish him well. If you don't trust him, then don't marry him.

MissButters

I would encourage the DR over Vegas.  We went to the DR and people mostly stay on the resort and it was a lot of couples (at least where we were) so not too much stuff to get into trouble!

gottahavashorti

If you trust your FI, this shouldn't be a huge issue.  The GM will be the ones getting into trouble if your FI is really not into this stuff.

trix1223

ditto malphabet.   Leave everybody but your FI out of this equation.  Either you trust him or you don't.  And if he doesn't have the backbone to stand up for what he believes in in the face of pressure, then you have much bigger problems ahead than a b-party.

 And as someone who works in a church, and whose faith is very important to her, even I'M offended by your holier-than-thou attitude.

There are plenty of Christians who do sketchy things, and plenty of non-christians who are as upright and moral as anyone I know.

suz62984

If you truly trusted your FI this wouldn't be an issue. He isn't drinking so he won't have any excuses there. So what if he knows people that cheat on their girlfriends(we all do whether we know it or not). It doesn't mean that he cheats on you. Seriously, why is this night different? He knew, and hung out with, these guys before you were engaged. Does that mean when he went out with them one night to "party" and he cheated on you? Just because they hang out for a night doesn't mean something bad is going to happen. And the fact that you are demanding things for his bach. party is douchetastic on your part. You have no part in the planning. You have your night and your FI has his. So sit back, chill, and hush.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:639c9bbb-a110-420d-9222-bdbff455c46c">Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]Douchtastic is a great word for them. I do trust him and I believe he has a mind of his own but <strong>I just feel like he is being influenced to have a bach party that he doesn't even want</strong>. Whats going to happen when he tells them no stripper and then "knock knock" on the hotel room door. I could see him just rolling with the punches in order to not look like a dork. His friends already give him crap about being "whipped" by me.
Posted by amilya213[/QUOTE]

Well then either he needs to grow up and learn to speak for himself, or he really does want this and is afraid to tell you because you're clearly so against it.

Either way, it sounds like it's happening, and if you trust your FI not to do anything that's against his own beliefs or the agreements you two have, it shouldn't be a big deal.

Side note: holy crap, I cannot believe people would spend this much on a bach party! I have friends who've done a weekend in Vegas, but from CA you're talking a few hundred dollars each total, not a full-on international trip.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:8cbcbf36-b2a1-419d-8684-4af297bdf2f1">Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]UGH! I am so not looking forward to this part of the process. At first he told me he didn't want a bachelor party so for the past year I have been easy breezy.  Yesterday, with 3 months to go he springs it on my that his boys want to go to Vegas or DR. I want to puke. YES I trust my fiance but not his groomsmen. His newer friends are a great influence but his old friends who are his groomsmen are terrible. They all cheat excessivly on their girlfriends and one of them even told a mutual friend of ours that he didn't think we would end up going through with the wedding. Nice huh?! The worst part about this whole thing is he says he doesn't even really want a bach party but his friends do and he wants to do it for his friends. He doesn't drink and he's not really a partier so I dont understand what fun he would have hanging out with a bunch of drunk guys. I told him absolulty NO strippers but God only knows what these guys have in store for him. We are both Christian but none of his friends are so they don't have the same values as we do. My friends are some christian and the rest respectful.  We are going to Miami for a few days to go out to dinner and have drinks and hang out doing girls stuff. I'm sure dinner and drinks is not all that will be on the boys agenda. HELP!!!!
Posted by amilya213[/QUOTE]

HKD817

You are going to have to have faith in your trust for him. You can't tell him what he can and cannot do because I am sure if this were the other way around you woulnd't want him to do that to you. So take a breathe...let him go, and try your best not be crazy about it. He loves you, otherwise you wouldn't be getting married. Trust that.

aerinpegadrak

Ditto the others.  Unless his friends are tying him up and forcing him into the strip club against his will or drugging him, your FI can't do anything at the bachelor party that he doesn't want to.  If you truly trust him, it's not a problem.

My husband didn't have a bachelor party, but I don't have a problem with him going to strip clubs.  We have a mutual "look but don't touch" policy with regards to things like that.  Hell, we went to the topless Cirque du Soleil show on our honeymoon and had a blast.  You can call me immoral if you want, but accepting that humans are visually stimulated creatures and that a wedding ring doesn't change that is part of what has given us a happy, healthy, and faithful relationship.

jenn.daniel

I'm dense and don't know what DR stands for.  Besides doctor, and I don't think they're going to the hospital...or I hope not.  Translation, please?

If you trust your FI, this really shouldn't be an issue.  If he really doesn't want a bach-party, he doesn't have to have one.  Or if he just doesn't want strippers, he needs to put his foot down and tell his friends that.  If his GM are decent friends, they'll listen to him and plan an afternoon of golf (or whatever), instead.  Honestly, if he's mature enough to get married, he should be mature enough to stand up for himself and not give in to peer pressure.

emilyinchile

DR = Dominican Republic, at least sometimes, and that's what I'm thinking of.

quotequeen

You're having a destination bach party, so he can too.  It's not like Miami is known for being the land of morals either.

kelly&wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:8cbcbf36-b2a1-419d-8684-4af297bdf2f1">Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>I told him absolulty NO strippers but God only knows what these guys have in store for him. We are both Christian but none of his friends are so they don't have the same values as we do. My friends are some christian and the rest respectful.</strong> Posted by amilya213[/QUOTE]

First of all...ditto on everyone's advice so far.  The 1st thing that jumped out at me was that you got to have a bachelorette party, but he didn't get to have a bachelor party was immensely unfair to him.  I know he SAYS that he doesn't want one, but if that were truly the case he wouldn't be going.  If he doesn't know how to say no to his own friends or the temptations of Vegas then that would tell me a lot.

However, what I wanted to respond to the most was the part of your OP I quoted above.  You say "the rest of respectful" as if the Christian friends you hold most dear to you and the rest are good enough to be allowed into your social circle, but definitely don't measure up since they're not Christian.  As an atheist, I am not an expert in Christian teachings, but I thought Christians were supposed to be loving and accepting of all people.  It seems that you think non-Christians, especially his non-Christian friends, simply don't measure up to your values and expectations.  While I can't obviously vouch for his friends, I can tell you that my family values and commitments are no less staunch simply because I am not Christian.  I too would not be fine with strippers at my FI's bachelor party and that is not remotely linked to Christian values or my lack of them.  Have faith in your FI, Christian friends or not, and trust in him.   

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:e6ba55cf-e75a-48b0-bebe-0b7c0c947759">Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]However, what I wanted to respond to the most was the part of your OP I quoted above.  You say "the rest of respectful" as if the Christian friends you hold most dear to you and the rest are good enough to be allowed into your social circle, but definitely don't measure up since they're not Christian.  As an atheist, I am not an expert in Christian teachings, but I thought <strong>Christians were supposed to be loving and accepting of all people.</strong>  It seems that you think non-Christians, especially his non-Christian friends, simply don't measure up to your values and expectations.  While I can't obviously vouch for his friends, I can tell you that my family values and commitments are no less staunch simply because I am not Christian.  I too would not be fine with strippers at my FI's bachelor party and that is not remotely linked to Christian values or my lack of them.  Have faith in your FI, Christian friends or not, and trust in him.   
Posted by kelly&wayne[/QUOTE]

As a Christian, I'd like to say that most of us ARE loving and accepting of other people.  Unfortuantely, there are people, such as OP, who take the holier than thou approach.  That line of thought makes ME uncomfortable, because I also believe that we're not supposed to judge others.  (Not thst I never judge anyone.  I'm not perfect!)

kelly&wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:3343d851-87eb-43d2-8636-e72d5eae7f01">Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen : <strong>As a Christian, I'd like to say that most of us ARE loving and accepting of other people.</strong>  Unfortuantely, there are people, such as OP, who take the holier than thou approach.  That line of thought makes ME uncomfortable, because I also believe that we're not supposed to judge others.  (Not thst I never judge anyone.  I'm not perfect!)
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

Jenn.daniel - I couldn't agree with you more.  All of my Christian friends are indeed some of the most loving and accepting people I know.  That is why I was so surprised by OP's words.

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:a11de0d4-3a3b-42a3-ad65-08408f46dc20">Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately, I have to disagree with Jenn.  While a LOT of us are open and accepting, I don't think it's the majority anymore.  Which makes me sad.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

You think so?  When I was typing that I was trying to decide between "most" and "many."  I went the optimistic route.  It makes me sad too.

hugz415

I get what you are saying...if you don't trust his friends and they are scuzballs my imagination would be running wild too.  My FI is going to AC for the weekend for his party and I know they will have fun.  Strip clubs in general don't bother me but its when it goes too far.  And the "Stifler-type" guys that you describe are likely the kind to push the envelope.  

Just try to focus on the fact that you trust your FI.  Neither you or your FI can control what his d-bag friends do.

[Deleted User]

mbcdefg - "Quit it with the "We're Christian so we're better" stuff. You're making the rest of us look judgemental and closed-minded. "

I thought these forums were for support and for other engaged people to help one another. Never once did I say that I was better than anyone. Never once did I say that I non-christians didn't have morals. I would not judge someone based on religion nor would I judge someone at all. I was meerly stating the fact that we have DIFFERENT morals and DIFFERENT standards that we live by. Never said if our morals/standards were better.

[Deleted User]

Thank you suz62984. You are probably right. He doesn't ever really go out to "party" with his friends so this night would be different. But if he decided tomorrow that he wanted to have a night with his boys then it would pretty much be the same deal. As far as me being douchtastic you might be right with that as well lol but I really just don't approve of him having strippers at the bach party. I just personally don't like it. I have friends who are strippers - there is nothing wrong with them as people but I just don't like the idea of it. We both have things that we feel strongly about and respecting those feelings is in my opinion is part of what makes a good relationship.

[Deleted User]

"I'm offended by your holier-than-thou attitude. There are plenty of Christians who do sketchy things, and plenty of non-christians who are as upright and moral as anyone I know." I agree

I was never “against” the bachelor party and never told him he couldn’t have one.  It was never brought up until now. He said from day one that he didn’t want one so the conversation never came up. He was fine with me having one and he voluntarily said he didn’t want it. I think his friends got to him. He does have a bit of a backbone problem. He is too easy going and wants to please everyone.  He didn’t grow out of the peer pressure influence.

The “I trust my FI I just don’t trust his friends” line was not to say that I think he would partake in inappropriate behavior. I just think that even if he says “no strippers” there will be a knock knock on the door anyway and my FI will still be there to experience. Or they might put him in awkward positions – where I am sure he would stand up for himself but it will still cause problems.

I don’t understand why everyone is having such a problem with the fact that I merely stated that I am Christian. I mentioned that my friends are either Christian or have morals. His friends are/have neither. And for someone to say that they know Christians who are corrupt then they are not truly Christian and THEY are only touting their “religion”.

StageManager14 – Thank you for the advice. Very helpful. “His friends decided to take him anyway, and DH sat in the parking lot of the car for 10 minutes, refusing to get out.  They gave up and left to go on with the original plan of poker at a sports bar.” – Awww so sweet! HKD – Thank you too. You are absolutely right. My fiancé does tell me things that he does not like and I respect it. Everyone else might not agree with couples telling each other what to do  but it works for us in some ways. aerinpegadrak – I would never call you immoral. Sounds like you guys have something that works for you and that is great!Jenn – You are right! Thank you. kelly&wayne  - thank you for your comment. I must have not made myself clear. All I meant to say is that my Christian friends understand my beliefs and I can relate to them on that level. I have plenty of friends and family that are not Christian – I was brought up Catholic and I have a beautiful Aunt who was a wicken and a cousin who is an atheist and is the most peaceful man. I didn’t mean that my non-Christian friends did not measure up to my non-Christian friends, its just that sometimes they don’t share the same ideas that I do in regards to different things and actions. My Best Friend is not a Christian and I love her to death and we (for the most part) are on the same page on things and then on others (like when I start quoting scripture like a nut) we do not.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelor-party-bad-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1acf96a6-4431-4578-861b-74a81d98f12ePost:34474efa-1ad6-452d-bd8b-d382c7f53962">Re: Bachelor Party and bad groomsmen</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought these forums were for support and for other engaged people to help one another. Never once did I say that I was better than anyone. Never once did I say that I non-christians didn't have morals. I would not judge someone based on religion nor would I judge someone at all. I was meerly stating the fact that we have DIFFERENT morals and DIFFERENT standards that we live by. Never said if our morals/standards were better.
Posted by amilya213[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]I think his friends got to him. He does have a bit of a backbone problem. He is too easy going and wants to please everyone.   He didn’t grow out of the peer pressure influence. The “I trust my FI I just don’t trust his friends” line was not to say that I think he would partake in inappropriate behavior. I just think that even if he says “no strippers” there will be a knock knock on the door anyway and my FI will still be there to experience. Or they might put him in awkward positions – where I am sure he would stand up for himself but it will still cause problems. I don’t understand why everyone is having such a problem with the fact that I merely stated that I am Christian. I mentioned that my friends are either Christian or have morals. His friends are/have neither. And for someone to say that they know Christians who are corrupt then they are not truly Christian and THEY are only touting their “religion”.
Posted by amilya213[/QUOTE]

I know I'm coming late to the party, but I feel like I have to say something about this.

I think that a lot of the PPs were up in arms about what you said because it wasn't really relevant to your issue, not simply because you stated you are Christian.  Being Christian has nothing to do with the dilemma you had.  You don't like the FI's groomsmen...is it because they are not Christian, or because they have issues with infidelity and the like, and are averse to your FI's commitment to marrying you and staying faithful? 

If it's the former...well.  I'm sorry, but I have to agree with PPs.  There are people who profess Christ but have either no morals or "different" morals, and there are people who don't believe and live morally upstanding lives.  You can't just say that if a Christian is corrupt they aren't "really" Christian...none of us are perfect, all have fallen short (see Romans 3:23).  There is a slippery slope between being a Christian who sins, or alternately, a Christian who doesn't believe in the same things as the status quo, and someone who is only "touting their religion" and isn't "truly" a Christian.  Heck, I'm a Christian and my views are oftentimes in conflict with a lot of American Chrisians (although not necessarily Christians worldwide)...there are some people who would say I'm not a Christian because of some of my views, even though I feel they are supported by the Bible also.  The <strong><em>only</em></strong> difference between Christians and non-Christians is that we believe and accept Christ.  That's it...nothing else.

If it's the latter:  If your FI doesn't have a backbone, he seriously needs to grow one before marriage.  You cannot please everyone, and part of being an adult is making hard choices that will make someone upset, but in making these decisions he should keep in mind who he is chiefly accountable to and in what order.  If his prioritizes not upsetting his friends over not honoring his word to you, that's a problem.  If he allows the bach party w/strippers, whether he caved to pressure or if he in fact wanted strippers but didn't want to tell you, he is the sole person responsible for taking it all in.  Even if his groomsmen are cretins, the blame rests squarely at your FI's feet.

Also, remember that this is your FI's choice of friends.  On one hand, we all have friends who are in some way different from ourselves.  But on the other hand, if his friends have that kind of influence to where they can "get to him," then he really needs to rethink his friendships.  If he hasn't, that's an FI problem, not a groomsmen problem.